At the END OF MY ROPE

[Poisonouslovely]

My daughter was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia, she was staying on her own with her boyfriend, and she had a breakdown I suppose. I found out that she had been prostituting and God knows what else. Well here we are three months later and she is still up to the same things. She has two younger brothers up under her and she is disrupting the whole household now! I have asked her to stop but she refuses. She lives at home now and I provide everything for her so I just dont understand why she continues with this behavior! I LOVE my child but I CANNOT tolerate her behavior. I have had a job all of her life and I have worked very hard for what we have, and I am proud of myself for doing it the right way. I want her to have that same pride about herself and what she does! How can I have more patience with her and her situation, and how do I get her to stop? Why doesn't she understand how this hurts me to see her like this, I dont want men using her all up!! She was a straight A student on honor roll, she did soccer , student counsel, and sooo much more, how did she go from that to this?? I feel like failure. I feel like I failed her in some way. Why would anyone choose to live a life like that? She could be anything she wanted to be, and this is what you choose to do??? Im just sooo hurt and depressed right now. I feel hopeless and helpless!

 

[Sister's Keeper]

Is there substance abuse? My sister, not schizophrenic, but addicted, prostitutes for drugs/drug money.

Is she on medication? Is she delusional? Is she manic? I know manic people can be hypersexual.

 

[Kalahou]

Hello Poisonouslovely,
I am acknowledging your post and welcome you to this forum, although I am sorry for the reason you have had to find us. I can tell your heart is hurting with the situation about your daughter. This is a safe place to be with others who are experiencing similar trials with their adult children. You are not alone. Members will be along to share guidance and comfort with you. It may help others to reply if you will share some more info about your daughter. For example:

· How old is she? How old are the younger brothers?
· How long was daughter living away from you with her boyfriend or elsewhere?
· Does she have a history of any substance abuse ?
· What led up to the diagnosis of schizophrenia?
· Has she ever worked?
· What other traits of difficulty with her living in your home do you see?

Feel free and safe to share what you want here. It really helps to release our fears and guilt on this site. Others here understand. It also helps very much to read the threads others have posted, as you will recognize similarities to your own situation and pick up wisdom from others' feedback and input.

Stay strong. We are all taking it day by day and staying strong together. Take care, and stay with us here. You are going to be alright. Kalahou

 

[Childofmine]

Welcome to the forum PL, we are glad you are here. You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here.

Is she taking medication for her mental illness? Does it help? I only know anecdotally about schizophrenia and I understand it's a very difficult mental illness to manage if it can be managed at all.

I have asked her to stop but she refuses. She lives at home now and I provide everything for her so I just dont understand why she continues with this
behavior! I LOVE my child but I CANNOT tolerate her behavior.

I don't think this has anything to do with you or what you want. Most of us have gotten to the point of loving o ur children but not being able to tolerate their out-of-control behavior. At that point, you have to decide what your boundaries are. Can she continue to live with you? Many of us have found that the answer is No. Regardless of where they go or what they decide to do, even live on the street, they can't live with us anymore. I got to that point with my son, and it was very hard to stick to my guns and say No more, you aren't living here, so get out. He left and was homeless off and on for several years.

I know that sounds heartless and cold, but I did what I had to do, even though it was the hardest thing I have ever done. He was not getting better at all living here with everything provided for him. He had to have the "cold water in the face" (over and over) in order to wake up and change. He was addicted to opiates and alcohol at the time, and I know that is different from schizophrenia.

How can I have more patience with her and her situation, and how do I get her to stop? Why doesn't she understand how this hurts me to see her like this,

You are asking hard questions here, about having more patience. You will have to work on yourself and again, decide what your boundaries are. It's not easy.

Regarding getting her to stop, you likely won't be able to get her to do anything she doesn't want to do.

And again, it's not about you and your feelings. None of this is about you and what you have or haven't done.

As I often describe, you are one thin spoke on her wheel. There are many other spokes. You aren't the main spoke anymore.

I feel like I failed her in some way. Why would anyone choose to live a life like that?

You didn't cause her mental illness or her choices. As an adult, she can make her own choices unless she is completely psychotic, which she may be with this illness. Please share more with us about her condition.

This is a very hard situation, and complicated. It's not going to be easy to navigate this, but I would suggest you get in contact with NAMI, the National Association for the Mentally Ill. They have lots of support and programs for caregivers for mentally ill people and many on this forum have found tremendous strength and support there.

Please keep posting. We're here for you.

 

[BusynMember]

I I am sorry. I think it would help you a lot to learn about schizophrenia which causes delusions, psychosis hallucinations and eveb cognitive problems. It is not a coice tohave it and your daughter may be unable to reason right now. You didnt cause it, nor did she, but it tends to be hereditary and often the patient uses substances to quiet the auditory hallucinations. You cant expect her to make good decisions until she is stable on psychiatric medication and that can take time and she has to cooperate because even if one is psychotic, in our country the person has rights. Yes, I think its horrible but thats how we handle mental health in thr united states.

There is no one or good answer about how to deal with the monster that is schizophrenia. Your daughter is not in her right mind. She is extremely sick, but often it is impossible to deal with them at home too. I suggest you contact NAMI to get support and to learn all you can about schizophrenia so that you dont misinterpret it as willful bad behavior. Then perhaps NAMI can help you with places your daughter can both live or get help. Often schizophrenics truly believe the government and even loved ones are trying to kill them and they truly believe their medication is poison so they wont take ut.
Im sorry for you and your daughter. This is not about what you did to cause it. Its like cancer...it happens. And it is not about your daughter making bad choices. Schuzophrenia zaps your ability to know reality from hallucinations. Usually there are voices in the patients head telling them what to do and the patient doesnt realize the voices arent real. Schizophrenia is a VERY serious thought disorder. It is not about rational decisions. It often comes on very suddenly in the teens or early twenties and devestates everyone, especially the ill person if she is even capable of knowing he/she is ill.

Hugs.

 

[AppleCori]

Hi, Lovely,

Welcome to the forums.

We have at least one other person with a schizophrenia here on the forums. I hope that she will find this post.

The great news is that your daughter has a diagnosis so that you know what you are dealing with.

Has she applied for SS Disability?

Have the doctors put you in touch with services she might be eligible for, including assisted living housing where she could stay and be under the supervision of trained caregivers, yet partially independent?

Is she taking her medications and continuing to see her doctors/psychiatrists? If so, you could write a letter to her doctors, letting them know what is going on with her, of the dangerous situations she is putting herself and the rest of you in.

I think this situation is one that needs professional interventions. It is not one you are equipped to handle on your own, and your younger children don't need to be exposed to this.

You need help, Lovely.

Stay with us and continue posting.

It helps.

Apple

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Hello and welcome- If it were me, I would set some goals, boundaries, time limits. Since asking her to stop is not working and she is disrupting the whole family, you need to tell her she has to get counseling, get on medications, write out some goals for herself and then give her a time limit. Like a month to get to Dr and get counseling, medication. If she doesn't then you should ask her to leave. If you don't, she will continue to defy you- it's your house, your rules. You have other kids to care for- and she is going to suck you dry emotionally.

How old is she? What about college goals?

 

[A dad]

Ok I am really sorry for what you have to go trough really sorry I can imagine how big is your pain your daughter has a disease a very very ugly disease that she got without any choice of her own.
In this forum we usually talk about difficult children and adults that make their life hard and for other around them because of their own choices and we can give advice on how to make them take responsibility for their choices usually by them reaching rock bottom.
But this disease this terrible terrible disease never makes you reach rock bottom because the disease does not care in what situation you are it will still run its course it takes your ability to make good decisions.
I do not know in what country you live but there are solutions depending on the country. In USA I found this site that might be very helpful for you.
http://schizophrenia.com/invol.html#
This is such a ugly disease that one of the solutions is that the sufferer breaks the law and its court ordered to get treatment.

 

[BusynMember]

Adad, yes. This is not like the bad choices our adult children make. This is a serious illness in which the adult child often doesn't even realilze reality from fantasy. I think it is a different category. The afflicted person is very, very sick and did not do anything to make it worse...it IS worse.

It is also hard to treat as the person has delusions and often thinks he/she is being poisoned and therefore doesn't trust doctors or medications. The mind betrays the person and sends it a false send of reality.

Very sad indeed, but not deliberate and the person cant willfully stop the hallucinations and honest beliefs. A person often does end up in jail, which have become our new long term psychiatric facilities. It is all very sad, and nobody's fault, and it would not be schizophrenia if the person could follow rules. Their rules are the ones in th eir minds.

My heart goes out.