Back again

[ksm]

I hope your son does not come to your house. It's too bad your husband didn't talk to you first! If he comes, will your sons husband come with him to help?

If not, I'd tell your husband he needs to call and postpone his surgery until your son is living somewhere else. This would be a deal breaker for me.

We went thru a similar situation with our granddaughter...she was psychotic for about two months as she was detoxing from meth. She wasn't violent, but it was awful. At first, she was focused on her bio mom who she had been living with...her mom was "evil and Satan". At our house, it was my husband who was the evil one. She wanted us to take her to a priest for an exorcism. We aren't even Catholic! Plus we had already flown across the country a month earlier to bring her 18 months old son back to the mid-west. I had my hands full! It was like she was afraid of her child and wouldn't interact with him.

I hope your son gets the help he needs...but not at your expense, not emotionally, not physically, and not financially. Ksm

 

[LetGo]

I haven't been here for quite a few years, but I treasured the support and wisdom I found on this site. I thought our family had reached a good and stable place - my oldest son married with 2 sweet daughters now, my second son having stabilized and returned to live with us peacefully, my third son having become a CPA and having his life on a good track, my daughter married and having finished her apprenticeship as a pipefitter.

But these illnesses and personality traits seem not to go away, they just go dormant for awhile.

For the past few months my third son has been deep in severe alcohol use disorder (AUD) with weeks-long binges, hallucinations, scary calls all night long ... he lost his job earlier this year, completed 28 days of inpatient rehab, and is back to drinking to blackout every day. We were in his city recently to visit his oldest brother and, stopping by his house, found him on the sofa barely responsive. We brought him back to our state and within a few days our disabled son who lives with us was destabilized and angry with us ...??

My third son always brings drama with him. He hasn't been with us for quite a few years so that part was no longer fresh in our minds, but it is now! He wanted to go home within a week of arriving at our place, so my husband drove him back (a round trip of almost 500 miles). Now my son is back to daily binges. He calls and hyperventilates into the phone and makes strange noises, sounds like he's dying. Last night he called like that; from the background noise I could tell he was outside. He had had another fight with his husband (who is addicted to various drugs - their relationship is on the rocks due to other issues, but neither will move out and move forward). He was incoherent and would not really talk. Eventually I hung up the call because he was there, but saying nothing. I told him to go inside his house - he lives in a big city and it's dangerous to be outside in that condition.

I didn't sleep last night. It's the first time I've hung up on him, and I know there was nothing I could accomplish at the time but all the bad scenarios ran through my mind all night. I spent a lot of time praying and trying to leave the situation to God ... but have a knot in my chest still. My husband and I have a nice bike ride planned for today and I feel like a heap of old clothes. I am having a hard time detaching despite what my logical brain says.

Katya, I am sorry that you are going through this. By hanging up on him you accomplished two things-you gave your son a message that you will not deal with him while he is in this state (he might not have been coherent enough to actually get the message but over time, with repeated hang ups, it might sink in). The second thing that you accomplished by hanging up is putting yourself first. This is key and it is so important. Hang in there.

 

[katya02]

Thank you both! I also hope very much that my son doesn’t agree to come home with us. Between the stress of the past week and my husband’s surgery, and my son’s attitude to me, I can’t deal with it. My husband has let on that our son has made verbal attacks or verbal pokes at me in the past when I wasn’t there, and says when it happens again that he will take him up on it. I wish that had happened before …

Right now I am trying to detach, calm myself, and let God take care of it. I spent the past 24 hours in such stress as we learned that our son would be allowed to walk out of hospital ‘if he knows his name and can walk a little bit’. I could only picture him coming to harm on the street and ending up dead, and I was so angry at hospital staff who are so callous - the law requires that someone have capacity to understand their decisions before they can leave against advice, and knowing your name and taking a few steps does not constitute capacity. But in the end he can walk. I am getting a handle on compressing the stress and grief that causes, leaving it in a compartment, and trying to function. My son’s hostility is a painful thing, a knife twisted in my heart. It‘s not the first time he has driven in that knife. It makes me question my parenting and everything I thought I did that was good, but apparently wasn’t. It makes me doubt myself as a person.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Katya
I am so sorry things have come to this. Let me first suggest that you copy this post and start your own, new thread. Piggybacking on an old thread means that others won't so much see and read your post. This is the reality here:

My husband has surgery scheduled for next Monday and I have to care for HIM afterward, he is my priority, and I don’t think I can care for them both.

You and your husband seem to rightly see that your son's behavior, cognition and emotions are severely distorted by alcoholism, and illness. ANYTHING he says or does comes from this fog. It can't be, to my way of seeing, anything to base your rational decisions on. Also, your own feelings and your husband's are not reliable in this time of confusion, distress and need.

We need to do our best to hang onto reality and go from there. The reality is your husband's impending surgery, the fact that you are only one person, and can only do so much. The other reality is that your son is a grown man with a mate. He is acting impossibly and in his suffering and thrashing about he is hurting you. Those are real factors here, not to be minimized.

I hope you put into place serious boundaries and attend to your husband, and let your son's husband attend to him. You may have to set limits with your husband too. To tell him, your care right now is all I can do. And that is that. That is how I see it. Welcome.

 

[katya02]

Very, very helpful Copa, thank you. I have conveyed this to my husband. He has already offered to bring our son for the next week, but he agrees to stipulate conditions that a) my son may not bring his wallet or driver’s license, b) he may not bring his phone, and c) he may not pressure/bully our disabled son who lives with us into buying alcohol for him. Just the first two of these conditions will result in our son refusing to come. He will definitely want to get alcohol while here, and lack of a phone and ID will prevent that. So that will mean he stays in his own city and his husband will have to care for him. He will be able to get alcohol there, but it seems like carrying water in a sieve to try to prevent it. If he has a complete change of heart and wants inpatient treatment then he won’t be trying to get alcohol. But that’s unlikely. So I will take care of my husband and leave responsibility for my son’s health choices with him.

 

[Copabanana]

He has already offered to bring our son for the next week,

Did he talk this over with you?
Honestly. I don't understand not being direct and honest with your son. And your husband. (It can be difficult for me to be direct, but I force myself if my welfare or somebody else's depends on it.)

This is honest and direct:

he stays in his own city and his husband will have to care for him.

Your son is hostile. He is abusive. He is ill. I don't know how old you and your husband are but how is it that you can tolerate this drama? And with a disabled son in the house?

If your husband has already tendered an invitation without consulting you, is this really fair? What about telling your husband you need to be consulted about decisions that impact you?

Can one or both of you tell your son directly what is true, and what you know to be the best course of action for him, for you and your family? That he should stay in his own city under the care of his husband.

PS It's abusive to "bully and coerce" a disabled person.

 

[katya02]

I agree with your comments and have taken my husband up on making an offer when I have said no. We have agreed that our alcoholic son cannot come and stay next week. Last evening it was clear that he’s still confused but at the same time being deceptive - his husband told him that he would get Powerade from the hospital cafeteria and went to do so, but my son left his ward to go and find his spouse and became lost. He was found, wearing a gown with nothing underneath, wandering the halls, and said he had left the ward by a back way to avoid being detected. So his brain is working enough to be deceptive but he gets confused and lost. The nurses on his ward couldn’t care less. There are no safety nets in place.

The good thing is that our son seems content to stay in hospital for now, a big change. I think it will not be an issue re bringing him back. If his husband has to take next week off work, so be it. Everything is day by day now, and at least it has become clear that he’s not coming home with us. We will see if he does agree to enter residential rehab - not holding my breath but who knows. For today he is safe.

Thanks for the reality checks, Copa. Your comments bring clarity to a difficult situation.

 

[LetGo]

Did he talk this over with you?
Honestly. I don't understand not being direct and honest with your son. And your husband. (It can be difficult for me to be direct, but I force myself if my welfare or somebody else's depends on it.)

This is honest and direct:

Your son is hostile. He is abusive. He is ill. I don't know how old you and your husband are but how is it that you can tolerate this drama? And with a disabled son in the house?

If your husband has already tendered an invitation without consulting you, is this really fair? What about telling your husband you need to be consulted about decisions that impact you?

Can one or both of you tell your son directly what is true, and what you know to be the best course of action for him, for you and your family? That he should stay in his own city under the care of his husband.

PS It's abusive to "bully and coerce" a disabled person.

I totally agree with you, Copa. It is hard to be direct but it is important. It is abusive to bully a disabled person into buying alcohol. Take care of yourselves first...you and your husband might want to think about telling your ill son this.

 

[Copabanana]

The good thing is that our son seems content to stay in hospital for now, a big change.

Good!

it has become clear that he’s not coming home with us.

Good job!

 

[katya02]

Our son was discharged from hospital yesterday with no care plan or followup. He was given a printout listing all AA meetings in the greater urban area . No other info. No Orthopedic followup for his fractured shoulder and no splint or immobilizer. From looking at his CT, he needs one.

He refused to come with us, he also refused to consider any inpatient rehab, threatening suicide if placed in a rehab facility. He barely looks like himself anymore, now a shaky, unkempt, potbellied shadow of the fit, beautifully groomed and dressed man he used to be. His partner is planning to start guardianship proceedings but appears focused on finances and getting our son out of theiir house. On the other hand, our son simply expects to carry on the same as before. Everything he says is a lie to facilitate continuing his addiction. I know that’s what addicts do, but watching him go through the entire addict repertoire is profoundly painful. The highly capable, intelligent, organized, meticulous, caring, creative, family-oriented man who could have done anything he wanted in life is gone.

 

[LetGo]

Our son was discharged from hospital yesterday with no care plan or followup. He was given a printout listing all AA meetings in the greater urban area . No other info. No Orthopedic followup for his fractured shoulder and no splint or immobilizer. From looking at his CT, he needs one.

He refused to come with us, he also refused to consider any inpatient rehab, threatening suicide if placed in a rehab facility. He barely looks like himself anymore, now a shaky, unkempt, potbellied shadow of the fit, beautifully groomed and dressed man he used to be. His partner is planning to start guardianship proceedings but appears focused on finances and getting our son out of theiir house. On the other hand, our son simply expects to carry on the same as before. Everything he says is a lie to facilitate continuing his addiction. I know that’s what addicts do, but watching him go through the entire addict repertoire is profoundly painful. The highly capable, intelligent, organized, meticulous, caring, creative, family-oriented man who could have done anything he wanted in life is gone.

Katya, I am so sorry that you are going through this. It was good to read in your post that your son-in-law is planning to seek guardianship. This is a positive step. He might be able to get your son some help this way. I'm sure he has to focus on finances as he will be living on his own for now anyway. He is wise to have your son move out at this time. I know that might sound harsh but this is reality for your son-in-law also. Try to see some of what he is doing as positive. Most importantly, please take care of yourself. Hugs

 

[katya02]

Thank you, LetGo. I am happy that my son-in-law is going to seek guardianship, and I hope it happens. Sometimes my sister in law has some difficulty with follow-through, but I do think he’s at his wits’ end and knows something has to change. He isn’t seeking to simply evict my son either; he sees their house as unsafe for my son and wants to get him into residential treatment. i completely agree with that.

I’m turning my focus now to my husband and his surgery, and to my disabled son with whom I am committed to develop some healthy eating menus and go on daily outdoor walks as he’s too anxious and deconditioned to leave the house. Plus I have two beautiful granddaughters within driving distance to visit and another granddaughter and grandson out west to visit.

The thing with addiction is that it sucks all the oxygen out of the room. For quite some time there has been nothing left, no time or energy, for anyone else. Now that my addicted son has had a serious health crisis and injury but is still adamant about not changing, I can respect his decision and I know that I haven’t left anything undone. This is truly in his court.

 

[LetGo]

Katya, Yes!! These addictions and disorders do suck the oxygen out of the room! I felt that all of our resources, financially and more importantly, emotionally, went to my daughter first even though we tried to balance things. Not okay when everyone else in the family has needs, too. That sounds like a great plan that you have for your son with disabilities with a menu plan and walking. I want to do that for me!! Hugs

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Katya. I am sorry that the situation has become so clearcut (not in a good way)--but there is that silver lining. All of us here have had to accept that someone we love the most in the world wants to live in a way that will hurt them or kill them. That is why it is so very, very hard for us to let go.

I personally found it unbearable to let go. Until I did. I learned that my son and my son's life were separate and different from me. You would think I would want to feel and know that, but I fought it tooth and nail. I am remembering when I came to this forum 10 years ago, I knew I had hit bottom when I wanted to enroll in my son's college classes to make sure he was attending and doing the work. I guess I even contemplated doing the work. I knew this was disordered thinking, but I couldn't stop myself.

You are not alone.