Snow White
On the Mad Tea Party Ride
Wow! It just seems like yesterday that I last did an update (before our trip in August). Major changes - some for the good and some for the really bad. Glad to be back here and getting to see where all of you are at.
Just to refresh, daughter was being deported on a 38 hour flight back to Canada (via Kuala Lumpur and China) and her final destination is the city where she was living before she started this "adventure" 3 years ago (about 800 miles from us) and where "Mr. Finance Man" lives. She was going to stay with him. I suspected that her 11 hour layover in Kuala Lumpur would be a failure and I was correct - she jumped "ship" there and never came back to Canada. In fact, she is still there now.
My husband and I had an absolutely marvelous whirlwind of a trip - the best being our visits with family in Norway and Scotland! We came home exhausted but yet refreshed. Daughter had emailed once during the trip...spewing her usual vitriol, which I ignored. Didn't hear from her the rest of the time.
MEANWHILE....I did something so incredibly stupid and am paying for it now. I have become an enabler to another person. For many years we have maintained a friendship with one of our daughter's former care workers. She is the same age as myself. She has no family here and we kind of 'adopted' her for holiday meals, etc. Later on we became an occasional lifeline for her (sometimes money, help moving things, etc.). She has always been a little quirky and a hoarder (stuff and animals) but has always had a connection with our daughter and us. So, when she found herself on social assistance and living in a slum shack out in the country with her 16 cats, we knew she was in trouble. We had always told her that if she got rid of her cats we would have an emergency place for her to regroup. After 3 years, that time came at the end of June, shortly before our trip. She dealt with her cats and then moved her 100+ large storage bins to our house (with our help to move her). We outlined conditions that we needed to see forward progress with her: medical appointments, psychiatric help for depression & hoarding, efforts to obtain employment, storage locker for bins, etc.). We set up our huge store tent in the backyard so she could go through her bins and start minimizing. That was July 1. We thought it would be great because she would take care of the house while we were gone and could sort through her stuff. The washing machine went 24/7 while she washed every piece of clothing/linens and repacked them. We went on our trip and the house went downhill. By the first snowfall in November the tent was still up and we were losing our minds. Forced her to get storage locker and ended up helping her move it to the locker, then take down the tent in snowfall. She got focused on getting her medical marijuana from her GP for her back pain - spent all the time on the internet. Got it and doesn't use it - would rather take T3s. Sleeps all day and starts making food at 11 pm. So many other issues happening that I just can't post it all. We can't use the basement rec room area because some of her bins and things are all in the way. She started using our weight bench to hold her laundry. Fitness equipment is now in our dining room!!! Had the "chat" in late November that no matter what happened she would have to pay rent in January. January came...no rent. Reminded her. Tears. tears. tears. Told her I was being an enabler and that I cannot change her. I stated that we need our house back to just 2 people and 2 dogs (oh, and she has totally destroyed any obedience that we had instilled in our dogs) by the end of March and that she needs to get her affairs in order. I have 2 months to go. There will be drama. It will be over.
I can't believe we didn't see this behaviour before but I guess that until you live with someone, you never truly know. Never, never, never again.
BACK TO REALITY - Daughter has been in constant contact since November. She knows we went on a trip. She seems to be sober now (has had a couple of lapses). Says she is involved with a church and has found her faith again. She has been very polite except for the 2 times she had the 'lapses'. I'm staying very, very guarded. I know how quickly the tide can turn.
Just to refresh, daughter was being deported on a 38 hour flight back to Canada (via Kuala Lumpur and China) and her final destination is the city where she was living before she started this "adventure" 3 years ago (about 800 miles from us) and where "Mr. Finance Man" lives. She was going to stay with him. I suspected that her 11 hour layover in Kuala Lumpur would be a failure and I was correct - she jumped "ship" there and never came back to Canada. In fact, she is still there now.
My husband and I had an absolutely marvelous whirlwind of a trip - the best being our visits with family in Norway and Scotland! We came home exhausted but yet refreshed. Daughter had emailed once during the trip...spewing her usual vitriol, which I ignored. Didn't hear from her the rest of the time.
MEANWHILE....I did something so incredibly stupid and am paying for it now. I have become an enabler to another person. For many years we have maintained a friendship with one of our daughter's former care workers. She is the same age as myself. She has no family here and we kind of 'adopted' her for holiday meals, etc. Later on we became an occasional lifeline for her (sometimes money, help moving things, etc.). She has always been a little quirky and a hoarder (stuff and animals) but has always had a connection with our daughter and us. So, when she found herself on social assistance and living in a slum shack out in the country with her 16 cats, we knew she was in trouble. We had always told her that if she got rid of her cats we would have an emergency place for her to regroup. After 3 years, that time came at the end of June, shortly before our trip. She dealt with her cats and then moved her 100+ large storage bins to our house (with our help to move her). We outlined conditions that we needed to see forward progress with her: medical appointments, psychiatric help for depression & hoarding, efforts to obtain employment, storage locker for bins, etc.). We set up our huge store tent in the backyard so she could go through her bins and start minimizing. That was July 1. We thought it would be great because she would take care of the house while we were gone and could sort through her stuff. The washing machine went 24/7 while she washed every piece of clothing/linens and repacked them. We went on our trip and the house went downhill. By the first snowfall in November the tent was still up and we were losing our minds. Forced her to get storage locker and ended up helping her move it to the locker, then take down the tent in snowfall. She got focused on getting her medical marijuana from her GP for her back pain - spent all the time on the internet. Got it and doesn't use it - would rather take T3s. Sleeps all day and starts making food at 11 pm. So many other issues happening that I just can't post it all. We can't use the basement rec room area because some of her bins and things are all in the way. She started using our weight bench to hold her laundry. Fitness equipment is now in our dining room!!! Had the "chat" in late November that no matter what happened she would have to pay rent in January. January came...no rent. Reminded her. Tears. tears. tears. Told her I was being an enabler and that I cannot change her. I stated that we need our house back to just 2 people and 2 dogs (oh, and she has totally destroyed any obedience that we had instilled in our dogs) by the end of March and that she needs to get her affairs in order. I have 2 months to go. There will be drama. It will be over.
I can't believe we didn't see this behaviour before but I guess that until you live with someone, you never truly know. Never, never, never again.
BACK TO REALITY - Daughter has been in constant contact since November. She knows we went on a trip. She seems to be sober now (has had a couple of lapses). Says she is involved with a church and has found her faith again. She has been very polite except for the 2 times she had the 'lapses'. I'm staying very, very guarded. I know how quickly the tide can turn.
icon to select. You are kind and warm hearted and that is not a bad thing. But you need to find someone to support you in staying warm and kind and not crossing the line to enabling. Losing your peace and quiet to a stranger along with your yard and home. We may have to call you Saint Macdonna. 
