rebelson
Active Member
I think that the answer to whether you should let him live in your home again, is right there in your quotes above. [emoji17]
Bad phone Call
- Thread starter pasajes4
- Start date
Ironbutterfly
If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree
Pasa- whenever you feel tempted to give in to his pleas and begging, write down all that he has done and said in a notebook. He threatened you, punched the hood of your car and said next time that is your face. He is out of control. He has to totally hit rock bottom in order for him to want to change his life. There are shelters he can go to, they know where to go and how to survive. I am glad that you started the process of restraining order. Allowing him into the sanctuary of your home is a reward, does he deserve that reward? No, he doesn't.
Lil
Well-Known Member
Oh Pasa, I'm so sorry. Just reading about what you are going thru is hard...I can't imagine living it. I'm the worst enable, I know. But even I would not let this young man back into my home. I understand how it hurts to say no. I understand that he's not physically well on top of everything else and that must make it so much harder. But, he is also dangerous to you. I don't know if he's ever actually assaulted you...but the threats and property damage are enough. You are doing the right thing. You can NOT let him come back.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Hi PASA
My rules in my place. Your rules in yours.
My son is older than is yours. He stayed in my home until he was 23--trying to impose his rules on me and my home. Unbelievably, I endured it. I threw him out because M said he thought that having to survive would teach him to conform, that he would sink or swim.
Unbelievably, I had to endure years of craziness before I realized I had any option about tolerating it. I never ever entered the equation until I got him out of my house.
Unfortunately, my son found others to enable him. It took 4 years for this to work itself out. He had to have exhausted every other source of support, to be able to begin to accept our rules. He was essentially homeless for the better part of 2 years.
My son is mentally ill. On SSI and has a chronic illness. He is also brain injured.
Even before I found this site I threw him out if he tried to dominate us. PASA, your son is trying to dominate you, your home and your life.
He does not get it. You have nothing to do with this really. He is acting like one of those dolls, a Chatty Kathy they used to be called. She talks when you pull the wire. "I am hungry," she says. There is no relationship to reality here.
Your son either does not understand or does not want to understand that your role as his mother has changed: no more diapers, playpen. He is his own child now. Your expectation is that he be adult. An adult conforms in your space, or in anybody else's.
PASA, there is no role for you here. Insane is right. To harbor him now is to empower him to hurt himself and everybody else. Which you cannot and will not do.
My rules in my place. Your rules in yours.
My son is older than is yours. He stayed in my home until he was 23--trying to impose his rules on me and my home. Unbelievably, I endured it. I threw him out because M said he thought that having to survive would teach him to conform, that he would sink or swim.
Unbelievably, I had to endure years of craziness before I realized I had any option about tolerating it. I never ever entered the equation until I got him out of my house.
Unfortunately, my son found others to enable him. It took 4 years for this to work itself out. He had to have exhausted every other source of support, to be able to begin to accept our rules. He was essentially homeless for the better part of 2 years.
My son is mentally ill. On SSI and has a chronic illness. He is also brain injured.
Even before I found this site I threw him out if he tried to dominate us. PASA, your son is trying to dominate you, your home and your life.
You cannot give him this. It is not real life. He has to learn to conform. He must learn to adapt himself and his lifestyle to the safe, air conditioned space--and your rules.
He does not get it. You have nothing to do with this really. He is acting like one of those dolls, a Chatty Kathy they used to be called. She talks when you pull the wire. "I am hungry," she says. There is no relationship to reality here.
Your son either does not understand or does not want to understand that your role as his mother has changed: no more diapers, playpen. He is his own child now. Your expectation is that he be adult. An adult conforms in your space, or in anybody else's.
This is ludicrous putting all of the responsibility on you. This is like the criminal who blames the victim for making him feel mad. As long as he sees his environment and others in this manner, he is dangerous for you to be around.
This is exactly it.
PASA, there is no role for you here. Insane is right. To harbor him now is to empower him to hurt himself and everybody else. Which you cannot and will not do.
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toughlovin
Well-Known Member
Pasa, I feel for you. Sometimes doing the best right thing does not feel good. I think ultimately we have to make the best decision for ourselves, but that decision does not always feel good. I think the fact that it makes you feel sick to your stomach to bring him back into your home is your gut telling you that is not the right thing to do. And the fact that he has threatened violence is a big thing. And the fact that he is blaming you for his behavior is also a big thing. These two things say to me it really is not safe for him to come home to your home.
You deserve to have your home feel like a safe secure place, and not to be walking on eggshells all the time.
But I also know that the times I have had to say no to my son when he was hurting are the hardest times.... The tears and the begging are awful. They tear at the heart strings in a big way. At least for me it is easier to hear the nasty abusive talk (that with my son often comes when he doesn't get what he wants) because that makes me angry and I get clear. But the heart breaking tears are the worst.
Stay strong. They do find ways to survive.
You deserve to have your home feel like a safe secure place, and not to be walking on eggshells all the time.
But I also know that the times I have had to say no to my son when he was hurting are the hardest times.... The tears and the begging are awful. They tear at the heart strings in a big way. At least for me it is easier to hear the nasty abusive talk (that with my son often comes when he doesn't get what he wants) because that makes me angry and I get clear. But the heart breaking tears are the worst.
Stay strong. They do find ways to survive.
pasajes4
Well-Known Member
Thank you for your kind replies. The intake person called me today. Son contacted him. He has to go for an interview. I don't know if he will or if this is another ploy to try to get me to pick him up and then refuse to go. He is going to have to do the work and find away to get there if he is serious. I am home in bed sick again.
Roxona
Active Member
I'm sorry for you, Pasa. It's so hard to say no to our kids, especially when all you ever wanted for them was the best in life. I don't know if I could say no. I haven't been in your shoes...close...but not. I say you should stick with your gut. (((Hugs))) Try to stay strong.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Pasa
So sorry to hear this. Stay strong. You have been through too much already.
I know the thought of my own son coming home makes me feel terrified.
My son left the sober living he was in to go to another one in another town with his roommate and now isn't sure if he made the right decision. He wants to live normal he said. Well not right now. You need to be in sober living for a long while first. It breaks my heart but if he were mean to me I think it would be easier.
They have to figure this out for themselves.
So sorry to hear this. Stay strong. You have been through too much already.
I know the thought of my own son coming home makes me feel terrified.
My son left the sober living he was in to go to another one in another town with his roommate and now isn't sure if he made the right decision. He wants to live normal he said. Well not right now. You need to be in sober living for a long while first. It breaks my heart but if he were mean to me I think it would be easier.
They have to figure this out for themselves.
pigless in VA
Well-Known Member
No, restraining or protective orders are not worth much, but it is a record of his behavior. You may need it in the future. You deserve to be treated with respect in your own home. Stay strong.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
OK in my work life, before I retired, I helped a lot of people get restraining orders. Yes they are only a piece of paper, but they are an important tool. The are a tool for the police, because violation of a restraining order is a criminal offense. So if someone breaks a restraining order and gets caught they should be arrested.
So they are only useful if you are willing to call the police if the RO is violated. If you are not willing to call the police then they will not do any good at all. I have seen them be very useful though.
So they are only useful if you are willing to call the police if the RO is violated. If you are not willing to call the police then they will not do any good at all. I have seen them be very useful though.
pasajes4
Well-Known Member
I obtained a restraining order through the attorney that did the eviction. I live in a part of town that has become a high crime, high drug usage area. The police dept. has gone from immediate response to calls to lengthening their response time. They have said in neighborhood meetings that if the person is stopped for something else they will arrest them, but they will most likely not actively look for them do to the high volume of calls and lack of man power. I personally do not have a problem calling the police.
I have a restraining order in place. I had one on his father who broke into my house and beat me senseless. He was arrested 2 years later when he tried to renew his drivers license. This is of course only my experience with a restraining order and subsequent protective order.
pasajes4
Well-Known Member
I agree that it does create a paper trail. I do not discount what they should do. I have one on my son. They can be very good to have. It is sad that it sometimes comes down to other factors for them to be enforced in timely manner.
