Our daughter was very belligerant the moment she turned 14. We took her to therapy and the diagnosis was conduct disorder. After destruction of property (putting holes in the walls) we had her arrested for incorrigibility. Nothing else was working.
She graduated from high school but did not attend the graduation. She wanted out, she wanted to leave. She went to college and lasted there less than a year, attending parties, pot, you name it. Rampant sexual behavior with allegedly scores of men.
My husband signed her student loans. He did not check with me, he was on autopilot. he wanted her to have a chance at life. He didn't know she was spending her loan money on a $500 kitty litter box, electric violin, a couple of pure bred shih tzus (one for her and one for her boyfriend at the time).
She wanted to be a chef. He paid for schooling for that, student loans.
the loans went to $120k. She got her AA in culinary, and split for code school on the west coast with her boyfriend and has her loans on deferment. My husband did parent plus so the loans grew to the $120k because she wasn't paying on them and interest charges were piling up. When he found out, he started paying them, to the tune of $1400 per month. We had to sell our house and move to a really bad neighborhood in a city up north.
When I couldn't take the neighbors knock out drag out fights, I asked what we could do...fortunately all of our equity had paid off the house we were living in, so we got a line of equity on that house and bought a house on a cash sale in a peaceful country town that is actually worth what we paid plus $120 more. We have recovered with the equity in our home, but I am so upset that she did this, and upset that my husband didn't talk to me about it. I don't want him to feel any worse than he already does about it.
Let's put some icing on the cake, shall we? She's marrying her boyfriend in 2017, as we found the wedding announcement on the internet. Of course she didn't contact either of us to let us know she was doing this. She has cut us off. She has told us that the student loan is our punishment for being "bad parents". She said "I don't love you!" then admits she loves us but only a little. Her boyfriend can't stand us.
The little girl she had with this man - put her arms around me when I last saw her, and said "oh Grandma, I love you so much!" Her mom taking drugs, her father cheating on her mother, which caused the fight that had me fly across the country. Due to memory lapses, she told me to please find a home for the expensive parrot that talks, and when I did, she said I didn't have permission to do that - and threw me out of her apartment. I had a rental car and an airline flight 2 weeks out...I drove to my sister in laws and got another flight home.
Do you ever feel that with these kids that have conduct disorder growing up, their expectations of you were thru the ceiling and if you didn't tow the line, you were awful parents?
I remember a Christmas when my husband had partial layoffs, thus a humble Christmas with books and sweaters, you know, normal Christmas presents. She expected so much. She went around, got her and her siblings Christmas gifts - as I was working on dinner, I found them in the trash. Broke my heart. My husband couldn't afford gifts that year due to the work situation, so I had earned the money for them.
No matter what I did no matter how I tried, I wasn't good enough to be loved by my daughter. I was only good for cleaning her dishes, doing her laundry and duties. Christmas was about serving her, not about being a family. She told our oldest daughter that I was narcissistic, oldest daughter was buddies with her and well, they are both gone. Our sons are still with us.
I wonder if someday, my baby grandaughter will come find me when she's all grown up. I don't know how they feel it is correct to remove her maternal grandparents from their life. My husband was ousted because he wouldn't take a stance against me when I told her to pay her student loans and he supported my stance. He has never been able to be really firm with her. he tried and she pretty much laughs it off.
We are tired, so very tired. When I am at the department stores, I will consciously walk really fast by the children's clothing area so I don't have to see the cute outfits and be reminded of my granddaughter. I do love my daughter but drugs have friend her brain. Unfortunately her conduct disorder morphed into dissassociative disorder, where she will literally go "blank slate"...in times of extreme stress and attempt suicide. She's done it 3 times and it's always a result of a boy relationship gone bad.
So get this. in January of this year, she had a restraining order against her boyfriend for "abusing her" and now, she's marrying him? It makes no sense.
We are left with toxic memories and a bill for $120k for money we didn't spend. She did. The money is locked up in our new house now, so we have equity we earned by several wise decisions made, but I am not sure we will be able to forgive her for what she has done to us in our empty nested years. Gone are the dreams of going on a second honeymoon (we wanted to go to Europe). She took that from us.
but she took away from us something far more important. Granddaughter, our precious little granddaughter, whom I am confident we will never see again. Our daughter has told us she doesn't want her daughter to be around us, that we are toxic. yet back in January one of her own friends said "wow your mom flew across the country to be with you during this difficult time". Yes, I did. Both my husband and I loved a little too much.
Don' t sign the student loans, unless you want to tempt fate and be stuck with them like we were.
She graduated from high school but did not attend the graduation. She wanted out, she wanted to leave. She went to college and lasted there less than a year, attending parties, pot, you name it. Rampant sexual behavior with allegedly scores of men.
My husband signed her student loans. He did not check with me, he was on autopilot. he wanted her to have a chance at life. He didn't know she was spending her loan money on a $500 kitty litter box, electric violin, a couple of pure bred shih tzus (one for her and one for her boyfriend at the time).
She wanted to be a chef. He paid for schooling for that, student loans.
the loans went to $120k. She got her AA in culinary, and split for code school on the west coast with her boyfriend and has her loans on deferment. My husband did parent plus so the loans grew to the $120k because she wasn't paying on them and interest charges were piling up. When he found out, he started paying them, to the tune of $1400 per month. We had to sell our house and move to a really bad neighborhood in a city up north.
When I couldn't take the neighbors knock out drag out fights, I asked what we could do...fortunately all of our equity had paid off the house we were living in, so we got a line of equity on that house and bought a house on a cash sale in a peaceful country town that is actually worth what we paid plus $120 more. We have recovered with the equity in our home, but I am so upset that she did this, and upset that my husband didn't talk to me about it. I don't want him to feel any worse than he already does about it.
Let's put some icing on the cake, shall we? She's marrying her boyfriend in 2017, as we found the wedding announcement on the internet. Of course she didn't contact either of us to let us know she was doing this. She has cut us off. She has told us that the student loan is our punishment for being "bad parents". She said "I don't love you!" then admits she loves us but only a little. Her boyfriend can't stand us.
The little girl she had with this man - put her arms around me when I last saw her, and said "oh Grandma, I love you so much!" Her mom taking drugs, her father cheating on her mother, which caused the fight that had me fly across the country. Due to memory lapses, she told me to please find a home for the expensive parrot that talks, and when I did, she said I didn't have permission to do that - and threw me out of her apartment. I had a rental car and an airline flight 2 weeks out...I drove to my sister in laws and got another flight home.
Do you ever feel that with these kids that have conduct disorder growing up, their expectations of you were thru the ceiling and if you didn't tow the line, you were awful parents?
I remember a Christmas when my husband had partial layoffs, thus a humble Christmas with books and sweaters, you know, normal Christmas presents. She expected so much. She went around, got her and her siblings Christmas gifts - as I was working on dinner, I found them in the trash. Broke my heart. My husband couldn't afford gifts that year due to the work situation, so I had earned the money for them.
No matter what I did no matter how I tried, I wasn't good enough to be loved by my daughter. I was only good for cleaning her dishes, doing her laundry and duties. Christmas was about serving her, not about being a family. She told our oldest daughter that I was narcissistic, oldest daughter was buddies with her and well, they are both gone. Our sons are still with us.
I wonder if someday, my baby grandaughter will come find me when she's all grown up. I don't know how they feel it is correct to remove her maternal grandparents from their life. My husband was ousted because he wouldn't take a stance against me when I told her to pay her student loans and he supported my stance. He has never been able to be really firm with her. he tried and she pretty much laughs it off.
We are tired, so very tired. When I am at the department stores, I will consciously walk really fast by the children's clothing area so I don't have to see the cute outfits and be reminded of my granddaughter. I do love my daughter but drugs have friend her brain. Unfortunately her conduct disorder morphed into dissassociative disorder, where she will literally go "blank slate"...in times of extreme stress and attempt suicide. She's done it 3 times and it's always a result of a boy relationship gone bad.
So get this. in January of this year, she had a restraining order against her boyfriend for "abusing her" and now, she's marrying him? It makes no sense.
We are left with toxic memories and a bill for $120k for money we didn't spend. She did. The money is locked up in our new house now, so we have equity we earned by several wise decisions made, but I am not sure we will be able to forgive her for what she has done to us in our empty nested years. Gone are the dreams of going on a second honeymoon (we wanted to go to Europe). She took that from us.
but she took away from us something far more important. Granddaughter, our precious little granddaughter, whom I am confident we will never see again. Our daughter has told us she doesn't want her daughter to be around us, that we are toxic. yet back in January one of her own friends said "wow your mom flew across the country to be with you during this difficult time". Yes, I did. Both my husband and I loved a little too much.
Don' t sign the student loans, unless you want to tempt fate and be stuck with them like we were.
