Beginning of the end?

[skeeter]

Mikey (I think you know this....)

There are many kinds of abuse. And verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse.
If the tables were turned, and it was a wife having to stand there and take either the "flamethrower" or the "icemachine", walking on eggshells and still not living, etc. - what would you tell her?
So, and I mean this with the utmost of good thoughts for you, why are you letting wife treat you this way?

McWeedy is lost for now. Stop all interaction with him.
wife is not interacting with you in a respectable, adult fashion. The reason for that doesn't matter. It needs to stop, too.
And unfortunately, you are the only one that can truly make it stop.

 

[Mikey]

Hey! Why don't you Sarge and Dancer make some popcorn, grab some milkshakes and settle in to a movie (something Python sounds great! I think I'm digging into the back of my DVD's tonight myself - I could use a good laugh!) tonight?

Take a break from it all!!!

Sir Robin (aka Beth)

You do realize, of course, that Sir Robin ended up as the entree, right?

'Sides, not sure I'm comfortable with some of the risque' humor in the movie with Dancer.

But we can find something, I'm sure. Thanks for the advice. Sounds good.

Mikey

 

[nvts]

It's appropriate! My kids are eating me alive!!!



Beth

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Oh Mikey.

Nothing to say. Just a big hug this time.

 

[meowbunny]

Mikey, if you're really going to remove the battery and alternator, toss them immediately and not in your garbage can at home -- take the battery to an auto parts store for recycling. Take the alternator and dump it away from home, someplace you won't be able to get it. The reason I'm saying this is because then there is no chance you will cave when McWeedy and your wife (sorry, I can't call her dear anything with her behavior) both start in on you.

The next question is does your wife have her own car? If so, what is there to stop her from letting McWeedy use it?

You truly are in a horrible position. Some of that is your own fault. Much of it, however, is out of your control. Please step back and give it up or have a show down with your wife and stand by your word when you say this is it, this boy/man either abides by all rules of this household or leaves. Do one or the other but don't keep going back and forth. It hasn't worked to date, so try something new.

 

[gottaloveem]

>>> I would let your wife handle all legal issues regarding this next court date, in fact, let her handle it all.>>>

This is what I said in my first response, and when I say it all, I mean all of it, just as others are suggesting. Next time there is an issue with McWeedy, kiss her on the forehead tell her you love her and that you are confident that she will make the right choice. Remind her that whatever you decide isn't the right decision by her and you will stand by her as she chooses what to do.

I definitely support the idea of showering Dancer and Sarge with all of your love and attention. Be the father to them that you are missing out with McWeedy. McWeedy doesn't want your love and attention right now. I remember once looking at my younger son while we were in the midst of problems with Alex realizing that I pretty much ignored my younger son, all while I was trying to fix somebody that didn't want my help.

I believe you when you are saying that his drug tests come back clean. However, his behavior is so much like kids that are using. Re-read the post in the T/SA archives, "34 signs your teen is using drugs"
http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6231
I'm not trying to insist he is on drugs, but he acts like he is. Like you said he may be hanging on to that lifestyle so he can fall right back into it. Truthfully, even if he is using there isn't much more you can do.

Hopefully, McWeedy sees the light soon and quits testing his luck and fate.

Take Care,
And please, go enjoy being dad to your other two. They need and want you.

Lia

 

[gottaloveem]

Mikey,
I just wanted to add, that I didn't notice, or I rationalized away many major signs that Alex was doing drugs. When I think about them now, I think how could I have missed it, how could I have been so trusting, it was clear as day.

Hang in there Mikey!

 

[susiestar]

Mikey,

the situation being what it is, what would happen if you just walked away from wife when she started telling you about everything? She has done the "flamethrower" and you have taken it. What happens if you just go to the bathroom, for a LOOOONG time (bubble baths or aromatherapy baths are good for guys too, ya know!).

Let her work it out. She doesn't want you to "fix" it. she doesn't seem to want your help with any of it. So let her do it.

As I have said before, GO TO AL-ANON. there will be others there with enabling spouses. They will have been there done that and will help you through this.

McWeedy probably won't get much in the way of punishment from the courts, and his PO may not even notice.

Just let it be.

What have YOU always wanted to learn to do? Take a class, find a hobby. I think that this would be healthy for you. there is NADA you can do to help wife or McWeedy until THEY want help. You can only deal with YOU, and it seems not even Dancer.

So, find something else to occupy your mind. When she starts, start talking about YOUR new hobby, your old hobby you started again, whether to paint the house.

Just SOMETHING to make MIKEY healthier.

I am sorry McW is such an idiot, and that wife is so strongly set on enabling.

Get the book boundaries, by Cloud and townsend. REad it and DO IT. You will be healthier.

Susie

 

[BusynMember]

I didn't know my daughter was taking drugs either. There are drugs that don't show up in these tests. in my opinion if he's not using drugs, that's even more alarming because he's still acting like he is. in my opinion you need to do something to change the cycle of your own life. It can't be a very happy life. If you don't do something to alter the way things are for yourself, you'll remain unhappy. Distance yourself from McW and let wife deal with him in her own way.
I strongly back up the suggestion of Al-Anon. Those groups are TERRIFIC. You'd get in-person support and you don't have to say a word, only listen, if that's what you want to do.
Look, ya always get a HUGE response here, and I think it's because we are all cheering for you to finally make that move to help yourself. I can almost hear us cheering like high school cheerleaders. I hope you do decide to go to Al-Anon and detach from wife and McW. You deserve to have some peace.

 

[standswithcourage]

You should go to Alanon!!!! It practically saved my life and sanity. I have been going for 4 years now and those people completely understand everything I say. Even the stuff I wouldnt tell anyone else - they know. It feels so good to have their face to face support, hugs, encouragement - complete strangers at first then practically family later. I would encourage you to find a support group in your city. Basically in our case - I was the enabler - my husband was the tough one - I went to Alanon to help myself - he went with me twice and decided he didnt "need" to go - I stayed on and it has helped me detach and work on myself. Good Luck!

 

[DammitJanet]

Mikey...take out the battery...or there is a fuse to the fuel pump you can pull out quite easily. That is how I have stopped Cory cold in his tracks from stealing husband's car. They can get a battery anywhere...trust me. Now I have the fuse nicely locked up in my safe. He cant figure out what I did to the car but it wont start for nothing!

 

[PonyGirl]

Hey Mikey, I'm following along and I don't have any additional advice to offer from what others have said. I feel for you, you're in the toughest spot anyone could be in.

I just want to share with you one of the biggest little things that helped me about this site. Yeah, you read that right. The biggest little thing.

The term difficult child.

Helped me immensely!

I know your references to your son as McWeedy and McButthead etc. are meant partly in jest, but I read anger behind it. Justified, no question. For me, anger was a block. I had a hard time getting past my anger to do anything else.

When I started referring to my son as difficult child (Gift From God) instead of referring to him as my problem child, my worst nightmare, my crappy kid, etc. I began to feel better about him. I can't explain it much better than that.

And I don't mean to come across as being critical of your reference or telling you to change it, I just wanted to offer something that I found had helped me.

Peace

 

[JJJ]

Hi Mikey,

So sorry that McWeedy is still causing havoc. It is so frustrating to deal with a child who doesn't want help.

 

[rejectedmom]

Sorry to see that basically nothing has changed about your situation during my absence. -RM

 

[Kjs]

Mikey
I must share my experience, possibly what wife is feeling, and going through.

Many years ago I was living in a very abusive relationship. this was back when there was no Domestic Violence Law. If he were to go to jail, I would have to put him there. I had police tell me "you must like it, you have witnesses who called and you won't sign the complaint". I had friends tell me that. I lost all friends. Lost my job.
Had a son. Didn't all those people realize if I put him in jail, he would be out the next day. If he beat me this bad now...what would he do when he got out????
Anyway the part of this story that I can relate with wife is the fact that he always came back with flowers. With candy. with a gift and a card. He always told me in such a loving way how sorry he was. How this would never ever happen again.

My heart wanted to believe him so much. My head knew it was only a matter of time. My heart won for a very long time.

Finally, I snuck out and attended a meeting at the family violence center. I had been hurt one to many times. They supplied child care and I attended a meeting. I didn't talk at first. When I tried, I cried too hard. Eventually, I could talk. Eventually I saw people come in who were like I was. And I realized that I had become a very strong person. Nobody was going to hurt me ever again.

It took me a good three years before I went to that meeting. You couldn't even imagine the things that happened. Like a TV movie ending tragically.
It took me until I just could not take anymore pain. I couldn't believe what my heart
wanted any longer.

It took those meetings to make me realize how strong I really was. It took all those other people who knew how I felt. Who have been there, are there. I could not let my son grow up in a home like that. This is MY life and nobody has the right to hurt me.
I honestly believe you can only be hurt so many times. You can only believe your heart so many times when you know in your head what the truth really is. I believe wife will come around in her own time. I had nobody to lash out at. My family and friends all abandoned me after years of telling me to leave, and years of me going right back. This had to be my decision. Just as it has to be wife's. And McWeedy's decision when he wants to change. When he hits that brick wall and there is nobody there to pick him up...he will make a choice.

Good luck to you.

 

[rejectedmom]

Mikey
This is MY life and nobody has the right to hurt me.
I honestly believe you can only be hurt so many times. You can only believe your heart so many times when you know in your head what the truth really is. I believe wife will come around in her own time. I had nobody to lash out at. My family and friends all abandoned me after years of telling me to leave, and years of me going right back. This had to be my decision. Just as it has to be wife's. And McWeedy's decision when he wants to change. When he hits that brick wall and there is nobody there to pick him up...he will make a choice.

Good luck to you.

Beautifully said. I had a friend many years ago whose husband would get drunk and beat her. One night she asked me for help. I offered her my home but she would not move in saying she was afraid of what he would do to all of us. I then got all the info I could on safe houses and programs and brought it to her. She refuse to get help said that he would loose his job etc. I said to her "but you told me you were afraid he will kill you someday" She replied in the affirmative. I left the brochures and phone numbers and left. She stayed and became an alcoholic and I moved away and lost touch but before I did I talked to a mutual friend who was a psycologist. He told me I had done all I could and that it was up to her now. Years later my daughter became her daughter's RA at college. (This was unbelievable since my daughter went to college in MD they were from upstate NY I believe God had a hand in it.) It was a blessing to finaly know the outcome of the family. I had wondered about and prayed for them for all those years. The family did eventually get help and the kids were grown up and reasonably OK. They both went on to become teachers in their local school district married and now have children of thier own. So it goes to show you that eventually people do over come their fears out of necessity and reach out for the right kind of help. Hopefully both your wife and your son will do this soon Mikey. In the meantime take care of you. -RM

 

[Mikey]

Sheesh...

As if running away with the car all night after being warned wasn't enough (and suffering for it)...

As if getting arrested for shoplifting while on diversion wasn't enough (we'll see on March 13 what happens from that)...

wife was moving his school backpack out of the living room into his room; when she opened it to find out why it weighed so much, she pulled out 21 cans of beer.

"It's not mine - I'm holding it for someone". Okay, so I say that I'm dumping it, too bad for "whomever" owned it. "You can't do that - I was going to get rid of it". Really? You were going to 'give' it to another one of your friends? "Yep".

WRONG ANSWER. I told him that if it's wrong for him to have alcohol, it's wrong for another underage person to have it. Furthermore, I won't be responsible for handing booze back to him to give to another kid; if that kid got drunk and killed themselves (or someone else), and they found the beer came from McWeedy, and then found that we'd given it back to him, then we'd be in serious trouble.

Besides that, it's just wrong and we wouldn't do it anyway, under any circumstances. We flushed the last few bags of pot we found, why is this any different?

"But now I can't get my money back!!!" {stomps off to his room to pout...}

Already on diversion, already headed back to court on new charges, waiting for a date on his diversion revocation hearing, and has lost just about everything we can take from him other than food and a roof, and if he'd been caught with that much beer in his car he'd already be in jail.

And he's mad that he can't sell his beer to another kid to get his money back.

How, oh how did he get past the gate attendants to swim in my gene pool?


I'd laugh if it weren't so serious. Maybe I can, anyway, as I'm flushing the beer. I wanted to take it to his diversion officer to force the issue of sending him to rehab, but (yes, you guessed it), wife shot that down. "He'll get caught on his own, we don't need to help it along..."

Blech. Maybe I'll save a can or two to make soup with. It'll be McWeedy's contribution to our dinners (God knows he doesn't contribute anything else).

Mikey

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

OMG. The nerve. Now he can't get paid.

Wait right here, I have a violin somewhere.

 

[DDD]

First, and very sincerely, I am sorry that you all are still on that long, winding road.

2nd??? How do these addict kids learn the same language when they live thousands of miles apart? My kid was "just holding it for someone" the lst time we found and destroyed pot. He was "just holding it" when we found money.

Good Grief. DDD

 

[Shari]

Maybe they see it on Cops.
What they don't see is that the dude "just holding it" gets cuffed and stuffed, anyway.