BusynMember
Well-Known Member
HM, in response to your asking if all my adopted kids had attachment disorder, the answer is "no." I will explain.
1. Goneboy--Lived in an orphanage for six years and had no one caregiver any of his life before us. Was distant, yet obedient when we had him. I think he tried to attach to us, but couldn't do it. We were a terrible match for a brilliant young man who has an IQ in the genius level (I know...everyone says this, but in his case, it's true. He is a self-made millionaire). He needed to go to a very affluent, highly educated family. He did not respect our blue collar roots and lack of college education, although he himself chose to skip college.
2. Princess--Princess went to a foster mother in Korea when she was three DAYS old. Foster moms in Korea are valued and this is seen as a serious job and this was this foster mothers last baby. SHe spoiled her silly, carrying her on her back and sleeping with her. When Princess came to us at five months of age, she was a cuddly, smily, happy baby...very spoiled and I had to sleep on the floor with her for months!!! No attachment problems.
3. Sonic--Came to us at age two. Should, by his age, have had attachment problems. Sonic's biological mother literally went to a hospital in Chicago to give birth, named him (we kept his name) and took off, high as a kite, before she was discharged. Sonic had drugs in his body and a case of syphillis and had to have open heart surgery at age two weeks. He was never not held or carried around by hospital staff, then went to a very strong and well-versed-in-attachment adoptive/foster home where he received endless love. They had to find a permanant home for him when Sonic was two because they were adopting a little girl baby from the Pilappines and the Philapines insisted that they get rid of some of the foster kids or their little girl could not live there. Nobody wanted him. First they called the black families with foster care licenses and explained his many issues. Nope. Then they called all the white families they had (and hispanic, etc). Nobody wanted him. Then they called us, desperate, even though we were still getting our license and didn't have it yet. They begged us to take him and said he'd end up in an institution if we didn't. He had many issues because of his birthmother's drug use, but was happy and loving. We said yes. It was the best "yes" we ever said, although he WAS very hyper and difficult and has a form of autism. But he was NEVER unattached. He easily attached. Thank you and thank God for GOOD, LOVING foster parents who know what babies need and don't just leave them to cry in their cribs.
4. Jumper--We got to know Jumper's birthmom (and loved her) before Jumper's birth. BIrthmom asked us to watch Jumper's birth. Hubby was too shy. I did watch. While birthmom was screaming, I was going, "OH!!!!! How cute! She has so much hair!" Jumper attached right away. I still want to see her birthmother again. I would cry and hug her and love her with all my heart. But shse mararied a man and had three other kids and he didn't want her to see Jumper. He had also given up two kids from an old relationship and wanted them to concentrate on their family. I know we will meet again. I still can't believe she was brave enough to give her up for adoption. It was a very mature, logical decision since she already had one son (by man she eventually married) and her mother had said outright that she would never accept or care for a child who is half black, and she didn't use the black word (cough). Jumper's b-mom knew she'd never be considered a member of the family and she needed her mother's help and she was afraid the birthfather, who was doing time at her birth, would not be good to Jumper. All in all, she signed her rights away, with the undersanding she could see Juper, however, she has chosen not to. We have e-mailed at one time when Jumper was upset about her adoption and she assured Jumper that she loved her and that seemed to do it for Jumper. She stopped e-maling and I am guessing her hubby found out and told her to stop. Together she and her husband have one boy who is about 21 (Sonic played with him a little before Jumper's birth), about 8 and about 6. They look nothing like Jumper. Jumper looks like biodad. The boys are hispanic, which bio-grandma thinks is ok. I guess just part black is wrong, not hispanic.
At any rate, Jumper is a gift from God in the true sense of the word.
Psychokid came to us at age 11. He had been in five foster homes before us. He had always hidden his sickness. He killed two of our dogs, although the first one we did n't blame on him. He stole (we didn't know). He held a knife to the other kids and made them perform sex while he was 11 and they were 4 and 6. He was busted and we called CPS to take him. I still can't even think about him. He could never have stayed with us after that. He was tried by the County as a sexual predator since he was six years older than Jumper. He was found guilty and had to sign the registry. Don't know if he still does. His diagnosis in his jail type Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was "Severe Reactive Attachment Disorder." Before that time, his records and several psychiatrists missed it and every single one said he was a remarkably resiient and good kid who simply had mild cognitive disorders.
We feel he is brilliant and a great actor.
He definitely has attachment disorder. Turned out he peed and pooped all over (we had thought it was the dogs), set fires (little ones), did the sex, stole, lied, told the kids that he'd kill us all if they told on him and they believed him...he seemed very powerful. He insisted he was the Devil and would burn us all if they ever told "Dad" and "Mom" about the sex and he'd say it often.
My head knows it was/is not his fault. Obviously the abuse he suffered was great before he came to us. My heart is so afraid of him and repelled by what he did, that I hardly think about him. CPS was great at getting our family all the help me needed after that...and for no cost. We had nothing to do with the law. They did that on their own.
We were told by his social worker that this was the worst case (Psychokid) he had ever seen in fifteen years on the job.
Do I feel for you?
I don't even know what you went through, but I feel for you with all my heart. All we did was try to love a child. We did not expect this...never this. It is so sad to know that love can not heal some kids...they are too damaged to be loved.
Your son sounds like he is trying very hard to have a good heart, like Goneboy did, and just can't do it. I think you had a very good affect on him.
OK, novel done, but all true.
1. Goneboy--Lived in an orphanage for six years and had no one caregiver any of his life before us. Was distant, yet obedient when we had him. I think he tried to attach to us, but couldn't do it. We were a terrible match for a brilliant young man who has an IQ in the genius level (I know...everyone says this, but in his case, it's true. He is a self-made millionaire). He needed to go to a very affluent, highly educated family. He did not respect our blue collar roots and lack of college education, although he himself chose to skip college.
2. Princess--Princess went to a foster mother in Korea when she was three DAYS old. Foster moms in Korea are valued and this is seen as a serious job and this was this foster mothers last baby. SHe spoiled her silly, carrying her on her back and sleeping with her. When Princess came to us at five months of age, she was a cuddly, smily, happy baby...very spoiled and I had to sleep on the floor with her for months!!! No attachment problems.
3. Sonic--Came to us at age two. Should, by his age, have had attachment problems. Sonic's biological mother literally went to a hospital in Chicago to give birth, named him (we kept his name) and took off, high as a kite, before she was discharged. Sonic had drugs in his body and a case of syphillis and had to have open heart surgery at age two weeks. He was never not held or carried around by hospital staff, then went to a very strong and well-versed-in-attachment adoptive/foster home where he received endless love. They had to find a permanant home for him when Sonic was two because they were adopting a little girl baby from the Pilappines and the Philapines insisted that they get rid of some of the foster kids or their little girl could not live there. Nobody wanted him. First they called the black families with foster care licenses and explained his many issues. Nope. Then they called all the white families they had (and hispanic, etc). Nobody wanted him. Then they called us, desperate, even though we were still getting our license and didn't have it yet. They begged us to take him and said he'd end up in an institution if we didn't. He had many issues because of his birthmother's drug use, but was happy and loving. We said yes. It was the best "yes" we ever said, although he WAS very hyper and difficult and has a form of autism. But he was NEVER unattached. He easily attached. Thank you and thank God for GOOD, LOVING foster parents who know what babies need and don't just leave them to cry in their cribs.
4. Jumper--We got to know Jumper's birthmom (and loved her) before Jumper's birth. BIrthmom asked us to watch Jumper's birth. Hubby was too shy. I did watch. While birthmom was screaming, I was going, "OH!!!!! How cute! She has so much hair!" Jumper attached right away. I still want to see her birthmother again. I would cry and hug her and love her with all my heart. But shse mararied a man and had three other kids and he didn't want her to see Jumper. He had also given up two kids from an old relationship and wanted them to concentrate on their family. I know we will meet again. I still can't believe she was brave enough to give her up for adoption. It was a very mature, logical decision since she already had one son (by man she eventually married) and her mother had said outright that she would never accept or care for a child who is half black, and she didn't use the black word (cough). Jumper's b-mom knew she'd never be considered a member of the family and she needed her mother's help and she was afraid the birthfather, who was doing time at her birth, would not be good to Jumper. All in all, she signed her rights away, with the undersanding she could see Juper, however, she has chosen not to. We have e-mailed at one time when Jumper was upset about her adoption and she assured Jumper that she loved her and that seemed to do it for Jumper. She stopped e-maling and I am guessing her hubby found out and told her to stop. Together she and her husband have one boy who is about 21 (Sonic played with him a little before Jumper's birth), about 8 and about 6. They look nothing like Jumper. Jumper looks like biodad. The boys are hispanic, which bio-grandma thinks is ok. I guess just part black is wrong, not hispanic.
At any rate, Jumper is a gift from God in the true sense of the word.
Psychokid came to us at age 11. He had been in five foster homes before us. He had always hidden his sickness. He killed two of our dogs, although the first one we did n't blame on him. He stole (we didn't know). He held a knife to the other kids and made them perform sex while he was 11 and they were 4 and 6. He was busted and we called CPS to take him. I still can't even think about him. He could never have stayed with us after that. He was tried by the County as a sexual predator since he was six years older than Jumper. He was found guilty and had to sign the registry. Don't know if he still does. His diagnosis in his jail type Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was "Severe Reactive Attachment Disorder." Before that time, his records and several psychiatrists missed it and every single one said he was a remarkably resiient and good kid who simply had mild cognitive disorders.
We feel he is brilliant and a great actor.
He definitely has attachment disorder. Turned out he peed and pooped all over (we had thought it was the dogs), set fires (little ones), did the sex, stole, lied, told the kids that he'd kill us all if they told on him and they believed him...he seemed very powerful. He insisted he was the Devil and would burn us all if they ever told "Dad" and "Mom" about the sex and he'd say it often.
My head knows it was/is not his fault. Obviously the abuse he suffered was great before he came to us. My heart is so afraid of him and repelled by what he did, that I hardly think about him. CPS was great at getting our family all the help me needed after that...and for no cost. We had nothing to do with the law. They did that on their own.
We were told by his social worker that this was the worst case (Psychokid) he had ever seen in fifteen years on the job.
Do I feel for you?
I don't even know what you went through, but I feel for you with all my heart. All we did was try to love a child. We did not expect this...never this. It is so sad to know that love can not heal some kids...they are too damaged to be loved.
Your son sounds like he is trying very hard to have a good heart, like Goneboy did, and just can't do it. I think you had a very good affect on him.
OK, novel done, but all true.
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