Mattsmom277
Active Member
I cant claim how I would handle it, is necessarily how others might see it or do it. From my experience with s/o, I realized that (maybe it was just with him as an individual and not for all addicts attempting recovery, this is just my personal experience) I felt better and he was much relieved (if embarrassed) when I called a spade a spade. When he messed up, I didn't beat him with it over his head. But when the time was right, it was not pretended by me that I was not aware. My thinking was, we needed a relationship based on honesty. Also, part of addiction is hiding substance abuse and accountability. I also realized that punishing HIM wasn't helpful, he needed to be self reflective all on his own to be truly sober. He needed to all on his own realize this wasn't working for his life. What I COULD and DID do, was always use his "slips" to reinforce how I felt about the impact of his addiction on MY life, and enforce my boundaries, which grew stronger and broader with each "slip". For example, for something like your situation, how I would typically handle it back when I was dealing with this in early years of dating s/o? I would absolutely wait for your daughter to reach out to you, and not reach out to her first. I would then not be berating, but also would NOT behave as though I wasn't aware. If your daughter reaches out and brings up her relapse first, that is a positive step for her. If she reaches out but does not bring up her relapse herself, that gives you a opportunity to bring up her addictive behavior of pretending the addiction didn't take precedent again. Either way, I would ensure it was addressed. The message would basically be the same, regardless of who brings it up. But it would be first thing that was up for discussion, not debatable or negotiable. "I am aware of your relapse, which is why I waited for you to reach out to me instead of getting in touch with you first. I was using this time to decide if I needed once again to redefine MY boundaries in terms of your addiction and its impact on my life. While it is completely up to you to use this slip as a stepping stone to realizing your own triggers and how to better avoid them to maintain sobriety, it is up to me to ensure that I insulate myself and our family from the effects that your relapse has on us. So I have done that. I have decided that getting back to actively working your program to avoid relapse is the top of the priority list for you. The top of my priority list is loving you while not enabling you. I also need to practice letting you work with addiction specialists to address relapses. I support your efforts and encourage you in every way obviously. At the same time, I must put limits on physical support. I will continue to pay your weekly cost for your program. I will no longer provide extras such as clothing, (insert whatever applies). So long as you are sober at the time and working a program, I will not allow this relapse to ruin our family holidays and I hope that you can and will join us and enjoy the holidays. You should know however, that I will not allow you to participate if you aren't sober, and I must also let you know in advance that I will not allow participation if you are actively using in the future, even if you remain sober during our celebrations. It would still mean you are actively using." I would then make it clear that your support is unwaivering. And that does not mean that it is wrong for you to place these boundaries. And that if you ever must draw that line because she actively uses again, it does not constitute lack of support for her, it simply implies refusal to engage in addict behavior and acts.
I think you are doing a wonderful job, and I think that addicts are all different in how they respond. I can't say if this works for others. I know it worked for me. I did spend 9-10 months without a word of contact with s/o when he stopped trying to be sober and was actively using. My message was clear, I support you and DO believe in you. However returning to active drinking meant, for me, an end to relationship as normal. I made it clear I was absolutely here for him if he got truly sober, but eventually the "relapses" came to close together and active efforts to be a sober man went to the wayside. So during random, few and far between one night relapses, I followed the advice I posted above for you. When relapses became relapse (singular, ongoing), I opted out. My heart didn't. But my life did. And I know its different with a child rather than a spouse. I can say though, that I truly believe that with addicts actively engaging their addictions, I strongly believe there comes a point that it may have to be all or nothing. Sometimes it takes baby steps to get there. But I really believe bottom often comes from losing so much that an addict wants back what they have sacrificed for their addiction substance of choice. I also never feed into the naysayers who believe it is too harsh to deny family contact for holidays etc.
In terms of your daughter, I really am glad she went back. And perhaps her lack of contact with you since returning has been shame. It could also largely be because she needs to focus on her own issues, and not those of others right now. And that isn't wrong at all. Frankly, I believe addicts have to get it right with themselves for the most part, before doing much worrying about how they have hurt their relationships. In the end, its better for her and for you if she reaches out after she has had time to analyze herself and her relapse. Although addiction hurts a entire family, I really believe that addicts can't be focused initially on effects on others, that their efforts must focus on one step at a time, beginning with themselves. Just as rehab works best when one chooses it for themselves, I also believe true recovery often begins when a person can learn to love themselves enough to put their own needs first. For your daughter right now, she may be doing just that as she tries to put this relapse in perspective and find a steadier path in her sobriety. If that is the case, this is a blessing. It is obvious she loves you and needs you and wants a healthy relationship. I really believe she is going to achieve sobriety and get to a point where she is healthy enough to begin repairing damage her addiction inflicted upon her loved ones. While she is working on her needs right now, I see you doing everything you can to work on yours. It is hard to let go completely of participating, but she is in a supportive place with trained persons to help guide her path right now. You are facilitating that by paying for it and supporting her decision to participate. That really is enough. Now focus on your needs. You want your daughter for the holidays. I don't see it being needed to worry about involving her for the holiday considering she is working her program right now. Of course I would advise otherwise if she was actively using come the holiday, in which case I'd merely send caring and understanding hugs about how hard it is to set that needed line in the sand for yourself. But right now, I don't see involving her for holidays as a bad thing at all. She has an addiction. She is also a daughter and currently working to maintain sobriety. What a major change from not so long ago!!!! I hope you all enjoy each other for your holiday. (sorry I got so long winded, this just got away from me as I started typing)
I think you are doing a wonderful job, and I think that addicts are all different in how they respond. I can't say if this works for others. I know it worked for me. I did spend 9-10 months without a word of contact with s/o when he stopped trying to be sober and was actively using. My message was clear, I support you and DO believe in you. However returning to active drinking meant, for me, an end to relationship as normal. I made it clear I was absolutely here for him if he got truly sober, but eventually the "relapses" came to close together and active efforts to be a sober man went to the wayside. So during random, few and far between one night relapses, I followed the advice I posted above for you. When relapses became relapse (singular, ongoing), I opted out. My heart didn't. But my life did. And I know its different with a child rather than a spouse. I can say though, that I truly believe that with addicts actively engaging their addictions, I strongly believe there comes a point that it may have to be all or nothing. Sometimes it takes baby steps to get there. But I really believe bottom often comes from losing so much that an addict wants back what they have sacrificed for their addiction substance of choice. I also never feed into the naysayers who believe it is too harsh to deny family contact for holidays etc.
In terms of your daughter, I really am glad she went back. And perhaps her lack of contact with you since returning has been shame. It could also largely be because she needs to focus on her own issues, and not those of others right now. And that isn't wrong at all. Frankly, I believe addicts have to get it right with themselves for the most part, before doing much worrying about how they have hurt their relationships. In the end, its better for her and for you if she reaches out after she has had time to analyze herself and her relapse. Although addiction hurts a entire family, I really believe that addicts can't be focused initially on effects on others, that their efforts must focus on one step at a time, beginning with themselves. Just as rehab works best when one chooses it for themselves, I also believe true recovery often begins when a person can learn to love themselves enough to put their own needs first. For your daughter right now, she may be doing just that as she tries to put this relapse in perspective and find a steadier path in her sobriety. If that is the case, this is a blessing. It is obvious she loves you and needs you and wants a healthy relationship. I really believe she is going to achieve sobriety and get to a point where she is healthy enough to begin repairing damage her addiction inflicted upon her loved ones. While she is working on her needs right now, I see you doing everything you can to work on yours. It is hard to let go completely of participating, but she is in a supportive place with trained persons to help guide her path right now. You are facilitating that by paying for it and supporting her decision to participate. That really is enough. Now focus on your needs. You want your daughter for the holidays. I don't see it being needed to worry about involving her for the holiday considering she is working her program right now. Of course I would advise otherwise if she was actively using come the holiday, in which case I'd merely send caring and understanding hugs about how hard it is to set that needed line in the sand for yourself. But right now, I don't see involving her for holidays as a bad thing at all. She has an addiction. She is also a daughter and currently working to maintain sobriety. What a major change from not so long ago!!!! I hope you all enjoy each other for your holiday. (sorry I got so long winded, this just got away from me as I started typing)
