Buying cars for our difficult children...discussion

[GuideMe]

So...why do they need their own car? Because I utterly detest driving. Because of insomnia issues and other health issues, it's very difficult for me to drive anymore. Also there are no side walks or public transportation in the town that I live in.

Do you feel safe with them on the road? Yes, for the most part.

Am I missing something, but do you feel you SHOULD buy your kids cars? Nope. I totally agree they should buy their own car. However, I detest driving so much, so, so, so very much.... especially with HER in the car with me ,we would have severe fights every time we drove together which was very, very unsafe if you want to talk about unsafe... seriously, major hazard, I came close to accidents several times just by arguing with her.... that I was very happy to buy her her own car. More like relieved. However, she has to help pay for the payments and insurance.

 

[GuideMe]

Also being a single mom in this situation, it was truly impossible to have to be the one to drive her all the time everywhere that she needed to go. Note the word needed, not wanted. I couldn't even do the need part.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm glad I asked this question. It doesn't sound like too many parents are buying their kids cars, certainly not new cars.

I still think people appreciate stuff THEY buy over what they are given.

My parents let me use their old car. After I cracked it up, they fixed it and let me drive it again. I could barely drive and it was some sort of magical miracle I ever got my license. I wasn't ready, even though I was almost 18. I was the only one of my friends with free access to the car, however I did have to put in my own gas.

I was struggling with mental health issues and had serious trouble judging distance, as one of my many learning problems and should never have been on the road that often. And it was very uncharacteristic of my parents to give me anything. I was certainly not entitled. My theory is the car kept me out of the house, out of their hair, and they could have arguments without my begging them to stop and pointing out how bad it was for us to keep hearing the fights.

I shudder to think of my early days driving. I did not drink...ever....I did not do drugs. But I had serious problems figuring out how to drive well. Although I only had one accident, I dinged that car up so badly...couldn't judge where the gas pump was, for example. My parents never fixed those dings. I didn't care. They did pay for the insurance, but I was the second driver...my dad made a lot of money.

I guess my point is, it was crazy of my parents to let me have such access to their car. Not only did I go to places where I could have been arrested, even though *I* wasn't doing anything (the other kids and my friends were), but I was a horrible driver. I drove as poorly as one who drank or smoked pot.

I did eventually catch onto driving and have not had an accident since my first one, but I compensate by going slower and I did even as a teenager. My friends said I drove like a grandma...lol.

When I saw that my daughter was going to be a danger on the road, like I was, I took her off of it, at least from being on it in our vehicles. I remembered how perilous I had been behind a wheel and was not going to be responsible for her death or somebody else's because I wanted to shut her up so I gave her car access.

Let's face it, that is often why we do it, but there is a risk attached to that with any difficult child. They don't need to party every night or hang with their friends 24/7. A difficult child will not take good care of a car or be careful.

Jumper does have our second car for college. She has also been driving for two years without getting a ticket or even dinging up our car once time, she doesn't drink, smoke pot, or break the law. We feel safe letting her drive our vehicle. She doesn't even drive it that much though.

 

[GuideMe]

I was a difficult child when I was a teenager and I had supreme driving skills. I don't mean to toot my on horn (no pun intended) but this is a known thing in my family and people who know me, that I am a very good driver. The one thing everybody unanimously ever agreed on with me is that I was indeed a great driver. My grandfather taught me how to drive at age 9 and he even allowed me (with him in the car ofcourse) to drive on 1-95 highway. He was a very good teacher. By the time I was 13 , I was taking my moms car (without her knkowing) and all my friends would be like "Wow Gina you are such a GOOD driver." I always, always get complimented on my driving skills, especially when I was a teenager even despite being royal difficult child. That was the one thing my family trusted me with entirely was driving. Thus far in my life I only got into once accident back when I was 23 years old in a parking lot. Other than that one accident, I never dinked my car, put a scratch or dent on it. Never. Not once. I never got a speeding ticket, never once. Never got a traffic violation either. The only tickets I ever got were for seatbelts violations back when I didn't believe in seatbelts lol. My grandfather, tells everyone in my family that I'm the greatest driver in the family and everyone , including the males get upset when he says this because my grandfather only speaks the truth, so his word means a lot in our family.

 

[GuideMe]

I never drink and drive. I am not going to lie, one time I drove, on of the few times I ever did xanax and I was barely coherent. I drove 45 miles to my boyfriends house in the next town that I barely knew, and somehow I got there without incident but it could have been disaterious. I could barely remember how I got there. That was the only time I ever drove impaired. So, aside from that one and only time, I never drink and drive or drove high. There are some things difficult child's can be responsible with and driving was one of the things for me.

 

[BusynMember]

I believe you, hon.

You would have been scared to drive with me the first day I got my license. I was out with my friends and they were freaking out as I drove over curbs and had some near misses. I was freaked out too. But I really wanted to be able to drive so I didn't have to be home and since nobody stopped me, I kept trying...lol.

I did anything I could NOT to be home. I think you can relate to that. I just wanted to be away from my family as much as I could. If they were going to let me be away from them, I was going to do it. That was the reason I wanted a car the most. Although we had no public transportation where I lived wither, I was ok with walking to work (and I started working very young) as that was another reason to be away from home. By 14, I was almost never at home. Once I had a vehicle it was easier to go places.

My mom did not drive until I got my license. Then she got hers. Once that happened, I had the car a lot less. I still stayed out of the house as often as I could.

 

[GuideMe]

I believe you, hon.

You would have been scared to drive with me the first day I got my license. I was out with my friends and they were freaking out as I drove over curbs and had some near misses. I was freaked out too. But I really wanted to be able to drive so I didn't have to be home and since nobody stopped me, I kept trying...lol.

I did anything I could NOT to be home.

haha. You sound like my good ol' best friend. Joking, you didn't sound quite as bad as she was. She was the opposite of me when it came to driving. Every other week in our teenage years she was hitting something or going through some red light somewhere! In her twenties, she gotten into 7, count them 7, car accidents by the time she was 26 years old, perhaps younger. I remember hanging on to dear life when I drove with her praying Dear God Almighty please keep me safe. No joke, the most sincerest time I ever prayed with my eyes wide open. One time when she dropped me off at home (back when we were teenagers) and as I walking into the house, I hear BOOM ..BAM ...CRASH!!! I whipped my head around, she drove right into a parked a car down the street!!! Injuring all of our friends in the car!!! How can you hit a parked car when there are no other cars on the road and the road is wide??? Get THIS....she was SOBER for all of these wrecks and mishaps!!! It was her sisters car and when her brother in law came to see the wreck, he grabbed her by the neck, picked her up off her feet and starting choking her! Not cool, but interesting (ok kinda funny if you have a warped mind lol). However, that was here nor there though, lol. So there are people who were much worse drivers than what you described hehe

 

[GuideMe]

Yeah, she really shouldn't have been driving. Seriously.

 

[GuideMe]

I think you can relate to that. I just wanted to be away from my family as much as I could. If they were going to let me be away from them, I was going to do it.

Oh yeah, I can relate to that. By what you described, you didn't seem to me as bad as a driver as you thought you were, as I said, I have seen a lot worse. A LOT worse.

 

[BusynMember]

I was t hat bad, but not on purpose. I just had no idea how to judge distance and speed. I would go slow then speed up, then slow down, then get too close, then back up.

But I learned. It took time.

Anything not to have to be at home.

 

[GuideMe]

was t hat bad, but not on purpose. I just had no idea how to judge distance and speed. I would go slow then speed up, then slow down, then get too close, then back up.

Maybe because you didn't have good driving teachers

Anything not to have to be at home

I feel you (((hugs)))

 

[TerryJ2]

We are leasing a third car. We live in a small-ish city that's sort of suburban, sort of farm, sort of city, and do not have good bus service. I end up driving difficult child everywhere, especially to work. We told him that he could have/use a car if he got a job and paid for part of the insurance and gas and kept his grades up.
I paid for driver's ed and spent nearly 3X the amount of training/driving/practice time with him that was required. He is impulsive and does not have good judgment, and I wanted to make sure he had as much experience as possible with an adult beside him. I do worry about him crashing and being killed. I have to force myself not to think about it. He accelerates too fast to achieve the speed limit, and he tailgates, but he does follow the law, and is very aware of road rage and aggressive drivers in Hummers and SUVs. The time was fast approaching toward his 18th birthday, and he would be able to take driver's ed on his own, and get his own license, so I wanted to know that I did the very best I could to train him. There is only a small window of time to teach him certain things, and I treated it like a gift and gave it my all.

His grades have plummeted (one F at last report card in Dec., 3 Fs as of today). And it appears as though he will lose his first job, due to his lack of responsibility. We also found *something* in a bag in the car that appears to be pot, spice, tobacco or some combination thereof.

No more car. It is now husband's 2nd car.

P.S. My grandmother told all of us 5 kids that she would give a car to anyone who graduated from college. What a great incentive! Three of the five of us got cars. I still wonder who dropped my older sisters on their heads.

 

[pasajes4]

My granddaughter lives about 5 miles from me in a small township. They do not have buses for public transportation. She has to walk to H.S., or find a ride since she lives less than 2 miles from the school. She has a job after school and either walks the 3 miles or finds a ride. She is saving for a car. She will tell you that it is her responsibility to get where she needs to go. She looks fantastic because of all the exercise. She says that is an added bonus. I love that kid. I wish some of it would rub off on my son.

 

[judi]

Oh this is such a loaded topic for me:

Our difficult child had been out of our lives (by his own choice) for approx 4 years and returned in 2011. He moved back home in 2012 and as we live in a very rural area (and he had lived in the city) he needed a car to get to/from work.

Okay stupid Mom co-signs for a car loan (approx $17k) and off difficult child goes to work. Truck runs great, difficult child makes the payments - life is good until.....Nov 2013 when difficult child has a night of alcohol fueled stupidity. He runs from the cops, thru a corn field, thru multiple barbed wire fences and runs out of gas.

Police find truck, impound it.

difficult child gets arrested the next day via the SWAT team. Police call dumb Mom and tell me that car is impounded and I need to get it outta the lot. So $80 tow fee and totalled truck is in my driveway.

Two days later, credit union calls dumb Mom and says "since the truck was used in the commission of a crime," they need the entire loan paid off within 24 hours!

Well, dumb Mom is out $12k for the truck. difficult child is in prison, there will be no more trucks, no more cars, no more freedom for many years.

 

[GuideMe]

Two days later, credit union calls dumb Mom and says "since the truck was used in the commission of a crime," they need the entire loan paid off within 24 hours!

I would have told them very kindly, good luck with all that! They wouldn't have gotten a penny from me because I don't have that kind of money on hand, ever!

difficult child is in prison

If you don't mind me asking, and I know this is a sensitive topic, but how much time in prison did he get for that?