Can I Get Some Opinions on this Please?

[DammitJanet]

That very well could be the case DDD but one would think the therapist would clue the parents in on the fact that the therapist didnt really expect them to run out and get the kid their license. I know none of Cory's therapists ever suggested that to me and I am sure he wanted them. Of course, all my kids knew my requirements getting their licenses from about the time they hit middle school. Not a one of them met the requirements. It wasnt so hard: keep a B average, work part time job to help with the increase in insurance and sign the adhd contract. Cory wasnt in school and no one managed to keep a B average. No drivers licenses. They all had to wait till 18 or over. Oh well.

 

[AnnieO]

There's a sort-of parallel here; Onyxx expected US to drop everything and get her license for her. Pay for drivers' ed, take her to get her temps, take her driving, etc.

However - dropping $425 for drivers' ed wasn't in the cards. For Christmas last year she got $150 toward it, and had to work to make up the rest. Did she? No.

She got upset when we wouldn't take her to get her temps; but we would arrange for time to do so, and she would be too busy with her friends to go. When everything aligned right? She failed the temps test. TWICE. because she would not study.

She refused to call the insurance agent to find out what insurance would cost. She wouldn't even help by pumping gas.

So... We bent over backwards to help her - but she would not do the work. Ergo, no license...

 

[buddy]

Did the BT actually say all this to you or was it through difficult child? It is very interesting that any professional would say something that goes against a parent, even if they disagree, that is a conversation to have with you in private (or did she at least do that?). I sure hope she is not allowing difficult child to think she can play you against eachother. Anyhoo, there clearly needs to be a reality check and steps to achieving any goal like everyone else in the world. No matter the disability there is a step one step two, and a plan a, b c..... etc. I sure hope bt is not an entitled kind of person herself, I never thought for a second my parents would be able to pay for a car, college etc.

 

[InsaneCdn]

It wasnt so hard: keep a B average, work part time job to help with the increase in insurance and sign the adhd contract

Janet...
What is the "adhd contract"?
I'm suspecting I might be able to make use of it...

 

[susiestar]

Is this the same BT who got info so that difficult child could get a bank account that would NOT be under your supervision? If so, forget about being on the road when your difficult child is driving. This woman is so out of touch with reality that I don't watn to be on the road wehn she (BT) is driving!!! Does she think those red lights and speed lmits mean that the cops are being totally unreasonable and should "ease up" so that she can drive through the intersection at 150 mph?

in my opinion someone needs to drug test her hair to see what she has done to her brain that makes her think she is better able to parent your child than you are.

College? Let it go. Tell difficult child that if she gets the scholarship and it covers everything then you will happily support her going - emotionally. But NOT financially or to bail her out in any way. Tell her that BT has promised to arrange the scholarship, so this is between her and BT.

Job? Why is it a problem to walk 2.5 miles? It might not be fun, but if you want a job you will do it. I know a man who walked four miles to work each day and 4 home. This was 3 yrs ago he was doing it - NOT when he was a teen. His family had gotten a lot of credit card debt and they cut back to pay it off and to be able to keep their home. His wife needed their one car, so he walked. To go teach jr high all day and walk to a second job each night. He thought he was LUCKY to be able to sometimes use the car on the weekends for his third job.

As for the job - let BT take her to work. Heck, if BT is this invested in difficult child doing all this stuff, drop difficult child and a bag off at the office wehn you tae difficult child for her next appointment. Let her spend a month or two with BT. If it isn't a big deal to take difficult child to a job that far aaway, then it is perfectly reasonable for bt to do it. After all, getting a job IS a BEHAVIOR, isn't it? So as a behavior therapist, it is BT's job.

Then quietly suggest to BT's boss that BT is working while stoned because any halfway competent person could see that BT's promises are crazy.

Honestly, I don't know how you handle this. I would already have told BT that if she suggests any more hair-brained, dangerous things like letting my daughter have a checking acct that has no adult supervision over it, then bt was going to have a really tough time after I complained to every single supervisor/director/big cheese in the dept that employs her and in the organization that licenses her.

 

[DammitJanet]

IC...several insurance companies came out with a contract for teens with adhd to use I believe. If you do a google search for teen drivers with adhd you should be able to find it. Maybe add contract on the end of that sentence.

 

[DaisyFace]

These responses have been so helpful!

I have a meeting with the treatment team tomorrow...and this thread has helped me get my thoughts together as far as some of these goals and realities are concerned.

Chaos--

I'm not sure that I can fire the therapist...but we can discuss how she is handling things. "Firing" and "Hiring" is not up to me - it's up to the supervisor.

MaKettle--

Thanks! I thought husband and I were being pretty fair...

SLSH--

Thank you for addressing this point-by-point! Yes...difficult child should be required to do-to-get.

Step--

You walked 2.5 miles? Wow! I thought I was pretty reasonable saying walk or bike up to two miles.

Jal--

Yes, I think the therapist is a little too young to appreciate some of this. In many ways she does not understand how things work.

Confuzzled--

I don't know about the unicorns, but yeah....a lot of this is pure fantasy

TeDo--

Yes, I agree the therapist needs to get a little more experience. Are you sure you want to volunteer?

Insane--

I think we're being pretty supportive. difficult child has a nice bike that we do keep "tuned up" for her...she just argues that she can't ride it to a job.

KTMom--

Thanks! I didn't think our expectations were so outlandish. It's great to know we're not alone.

Bunny--

Exactly! Driving is a priviledge - not a right.

ThreeShadows--

She does sound a bit like a 16 year old. I have been surprised when she looks at certain issues from almost a teenaged point of view

Methuselah--

I like that line of reasoning!

DDD--

You make a really good point. And yes, I can see that the therapist may be trying to find a way to motivate difficult child. That might very well be what she is trying to do...
But in the meantime, difficult child is barely passing school - I wish the therapist would be a little more realistic and help difficult child set more attainable goals for the short-term...like passing her classes.

Timer--

Yes - the therapist is not quite as "down to earth" as we would like

Janet--

You are right - the parents should be informed beforehand...not afterward

Buddy--

Sadly, this came directly from the therapist...on behalf of difficult child. She told difficult child that she would talk to us about difficult child's concerns

Susie--

Yes, this is the same therapist. At tomorrow's meeting I finally get a chance to address some of this stuff (although it sounds as if the supervisor already suspects that therapy is not quite going the way it was intended)

Wish me luck!

 

[InsaneCdn]

<big bucket of luck>
Dig in as needed...

 

[AnnieO]

I'm lugging over another big bucket of luck for you. Suggest you anoint yourself with it beforehand...

And, yes, I did - not every day, but when I had to.

 

[busywend]

I agree that your requirements are not to strict or out of line. And with a easy child they would actually work to make them a better person. Not so sure you are going to actually teach your difficult child anything about life with those normal rules though. Just being realistic here.

I would like you to think about what the ultimate goal is here. Unless I am wrong, I do not believe you want your difficult child living with you until she is 30, right? So, anything that will help her learn independence and get her on the road to moving out is a good thing!!

So, while my difficult child did walk to work (like a block) I would have gladly driven her just to get a few hours of peace in my house at night - LOL! True! Now, I do work a full time job, so I would not have been able to drive her if the hours she had to work were not when I was available. But, that actually works out better because it ensures that the peaceful hours of her working were when I was NOT working and I could enjoy being home alone for a few hours.

All I really wanted was for her to get some job experience down so she could continue working and eventually move on out!

Sometimes you have to think about things in a non-easy child way in order to get them to where they need to be.

 

[susiestar]

hope the meeting goes well. Make a list of bulleted points - and take your original post(s) about this therapist's crazy plans for the scholarships, bank account, etc.... and make sure the supervisor can SEE how telling difficult child what she wants to hear is going to make your AND difficult child'S life a misery when those things do NOT come about. The supervisor hopefully can see that with a child who will NOT work to even pass a class, a full ride to college iwth all bills paid is just NOT going to happen. The therapist needs to live in the real world and help difficult child to see that the real world is NOT going to just give her everything. There are no colleges that will rain money down on someone - esp not on someone who won't even work to pass a class. They give $$ to students who work HARD for good grades and awards and who do a LOT of thigns. NOT to difficult children like yours.

 

[Liahona]

Also hoping the meeting goes well for you.

 

[exhausted]

Ok-this therapist is just off her rocker! How old is she? We have all the same expectations with the support od a very good therapist and past Residential Treatment Center (RTC) therapists as well! Our difficult child did finially get a job (2 days now) and is within biking ir bus distance. We will not transport and we will not let her drive until we have at least 6 months with no issues that get in the way. You are doing what is right. Hang to your guns. It took our difficult child about 3 months to get on the program. she got no money, no new clothes, no new makeup nothing. She decided to get her rear in gear. It was the only leverage we had! You stick it out and tell therapist you will not budge!