Can we chat about Matt?

[Steely]

I re-read RM and Sammlers last paragraphs - and yes you guys are very very correct. Absolutely.

Actually sending him to ID was a huge detachment step for me and very scary. Recently he has been overflowing with horrible emotion, panic attacks, violent images, suicidal - remember that last post? In addition we found out his back has a previous injury and it at times cuts off feeling in certain areas of his body. I also know that the first thing he wanted to do when he got there was find weed. At yet - I was done with enabling him. Be free Matt - go! Find your way.

Yet after all of the loss I have had recently - it was really hard. I had to accept he might die, or end up in jail - and that still leaves me feeling pretty numb. Actually I feel very weird, pretty non-functional right now. I am afraid to think, because I might lose it.

And I have never felt more alone. I have no job, no friends or family in this town - if I died no one would know for days. That is a way creepy feeling. It was not my personal best timing for this to happen - but it was his - and it had to happen.

I am starting to wonder where my life is going to end up. I feel like slowly the people I love the most are being plucked from my world, and where will that leave me? My mom is the only one that seems to still be standing, and yet she is acting very weird in the wake of my dads death. She never cried when my sister died, and she has barely cried since my dad died - and now - it is like her grief is coming out by pushing people away, being mad, and overly worried and concerned with little things. I hope against all hope that she will get some therapy and help. She has not processed HUGE amounts of grief - and unprocessed grief turns into a myriad of mental and physical problems.

And so....anyway. I guess I am also losing the type of relationship I had with my mom and Matt - which in a way also feels like a death. There are days I wake up and don't feel real because there isn't anyone around to ask me if I am here.

I am going to move in the next couple of months to a bigger city - I know I have to now. I can only pray that Matt suddenly turns into the person I know he can be - gets help, and turns his life around. One of the last things my dad said to me was "take care of your mom", and "matt is going to do something amazing with his life". OMG....wow. I miss him more than I thought I ever would.

 

[DammitJanet]

Steely...interesting thing happened today. My step-mom called me today to tell my that the flowers I sent for my Dads grave were absolutely beautiful. Now for some folks that might now be an amazing phone call but my step-mom hasnt exactly been bending over backwards to stay in touch with me and my family since my dad died so I was kind of amazed that she called me. I was touched.

We spoke for quite a while in fact. I think, no I know, she is really beginning to feel the loss of my dad. She told me how the first several months were such a steady push of things to do with his death...like getting all the insurance, banking, cars, social security, all that daily junk taken care of that she constantly had something to do...but now it is sinking in that he is really and truly gone.

I get it. I think for us kids we do it either in small bursts and it hurts hugely when we do it...then we have days or weeks when we dont have to have that constant reminder that they arent with us because they havent been at our side like they were at the spouses side. Your mom is going to be doing the constant stuff with all the funeral stuff, selling the house stuff, moving, getting settled, then eventually she will slow down and then it will be when she relaxes.

Hope this helps some.

 

[Steely]

Yes it totally helps, just to know someone understands helps immensely. Thank you.

 

[CrazyinVA]

My dad died in 2003, and I still miss him. I was closer to him than my mom, who died in 2006. Random things will make me think of my dad, and I'll occasionally even tear up thinking about him (this past father's day was one of those times). The grief mellows as the years go on, but I think the loss of our parents is such a significant milestone that it affects us for a long time. It will take time before that grief stops hitting you daily.. but it will get better, I promise.

 

[toughlovin]

Yes I so agree with CrazyinVA..... my mom died in 2004. I still miss her greatly. She was my mom but also my best friend and it was a huge loss for me. I especially miss talking to her about the issues with my son... however CinVA is right it gets much easier over time. At first the loss was acute, immediate and very often. Now I think of her a lot, with humor, great memories and there are moments when the feeling is acute.... but nothing like it was. It does get better.