Can't even get him to brush his teeth! Am I totally ineffective as a parent?!

[pepperidge]

we're working on showers....it is SO frustrating.

Teeth sealants to prevent cavities hopefully!

As for going to school when my child was a bit older, I offered the free limousine service provided by our sherrif's deputy... that usually got some action. But ultimately if they are totally noncompliant with absolutely everything, either a medication change is in order, you really need to scale expectations (basket A) only, or an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) might be in his future.

You sound like a good mom. But I know the feeling of feeling like you are a total failure....

 

[DammitJanet]

I will say that even the most non conforming child with hygiene will eventually figure out showers in mid adolescents. They find girls or boys. That seems to make some difference. My kids who went from think water was going to kill them into showering 3 times a day...lol. I did do something to help with a bit of the greasy hair deal. If you dye the hair even the same color, it seems to dry it out enough to keep the greasy hair at bay even if they only wash their hair once every three days or so.

 

[TerryJ2]

1) difficult child had his first cavity 3 mo's ago and it didn't faze him. Sigh.
2) Temple Grandin had to be told, during her first job, to wash and use deodorant. I'm sure her boss mentioned toothbrushing as well. And we all know how great she is. So keep the faith!

 

[BellJar]

Thank you all SO much for your feedback. Not only for the useful advice but you have no idea how much of a relief it is to know I'm not alone, and maybe I'm not just totally messing everything up. (Actually, I'm sure you all do know )

Poe goes up and down. Some mornings he's great and so cooperative. Other mornings it's just awful. I remember when he was back in kindergarten and would refuse to go to school. One morning I got him out the door but it was about a mile long walk back then and we only made it a block before he totally melted down and started hitting me. Went home in tears and called the school to tell them that I couldn't make my kindergartner go. Now that I remember that, refusing to brush his teeth doesn't sound so bad.

But as much as I want to say it's gotten better, Poe lost it again the other day though, hit his karate instructor, and to top it all off we just found out that in order for him to have his assessment done at the development center here we have to come up with a $300 deductible and a good deal of the costs on top of that as well because the center is 'out of our network'. They are the only ones in our whole town who do this kind of testing on a child - if they are out of our network who in the world is IN our network? We plan to fight this with the insurance company but in the meantime we had to cancel Poe's appointment because there is no way we have that kind of money right now.

If it's not one thing, it's another...

 

[TerryJ2]

You're welcome and I'm sorry. If it weren't for this board, I don't know what I'd do. It's all about venting, support and solutions. Can't think of anyplace else that does all three.

 

[Mattsmom277]

Ugh. Wow this post brought back memories of my earlier years here on the board. My Matt was wretched about hygiene. I well remember he wars and all the various methods I tried. His resistance and he blow out fights. The times I moved one then another and another thing to Basket C to save my sanity. He would wear dirty clothes from the floor, or the same thing for days. Teeth brushing was as rare as sighting Santas sleigh. Deodorant was something that disappeared on his bedroom or locker to be constantly replaced and then magically disappear again. About the only thing he did was use facial products during his acne phase but he did so to stop the pain from his outbreaks. Showers? We're for other people and his hair was long and dirty and nasty.

The good news? I let it go but he grew into common sense. When I let it go I did so with some basics. Family functions, family outings for shopping or meals meant he could participate only after showering, deodorant, clean clothes and cleaning his teeth. Otherwise he missed out. He complied under those circumstances.

Now at 18 this is a embarrassing history we love him enough to not talk about or tease about. He takes good care of his hygiene and the only reminder o how it was is teeth staining. He now lives across the country with his girlfriend. Works, joined a men's basketball league, owns a home, is saving for a car and is starting to be a snappy dresser. So it can and does pass for many/most.

I'm glad I stopped the battles. Back then there were bigger fish to fry with his other issues.

I've told him that if gets a good teeth cleaning on his own and fixes any cavities should he have any, that I will pay for professional restoration/whitening for his next birthday. If he is now good to take care of his teeth I'm more than happy to help that last step to undoing the staining from those rough years as I feel he has earned it and come so far.

You are so not alone in this battle and so not a bad parent

 

[InsaneCdn]

Hint on dressing issue... for YEARS, difficult child would only cooperate on clean clothes... if they were the exact same article.
So... he went through a "red' phase... this meant that we bought multiple identical red shirts, and a couple pairs of matching jeans. I could wash what he wasn't wearing. And he would wear what was clean. But he liked LOOKING like he never changed his clothes. And then it was a "yellow" phase, and a "white" phase (I know... pre-teen boy and white?) and so on. But it kept him from thinking that filthy was OK... its a bit better now (teens)

 

[Bryan]

Old OLD thread, and I do apologize, but I am glad I found this. It helped ease my mood a little. Very same situation. Got a 16 year old, refuses to brush. I feel like I am alone telling him to brush because my wife thinks he does, but I know for a 100% fact he is not. So when I bring the topic up to my wife, she sticks with my son's story. Its just not feeling the bristles to see if they are wet, its the fact that the toothbrush is in the same exact position, day after day. I told my wife this and she just refuses. So, I have the battle on my own. I was even losing sleep over it. I am thinking "How does someone go THREE WEEKS without brushing. That's the longest I have seen him do it. I am even so upset over this that I have to turn my head when exiting the bathroom and move his toothbrush so I don't see where it ends up, pointing a different way. EVERY DAY. This way I won't know if he brushed and it eases up only a little - but I still know he's not doing it. He goes right in his room every night and doesn't do it. And in the mornings, he's on his Xbox, and doesn't really come out much. Don't get me wrong, we get along great! But the argument with him is not worth the hassle. Its sad to say, but I am hoping he gets a horrible cavity soon. Painful one. Is that mean? This way I can say "Well, I told ya so." And I am hoping that if anything happens, like a root canal, gingivits, cavities, etc, happen before the health insurance stops at age 18. But seeing that others have the same issue with kids at the same age makes it ease up a little. I know I am still going to be moving that toothbrush thing forever, but damn, how can anyone go that long without brushing teeth! I can't even go a day without it.

Comments? If anyone even subscribes to this thread anymore....

 

[Wiped Out]

This is an old thread. However, I have a 16 year old who also does not brush. As disgusting as I think it is I have learned that this is not a battle I would like to fight with him anymore.

We still remind him and every once in a great while insist but the daily battle-not anymore.

 

[Bryan]

It really does help to know more people are out there like me. I'm just going to give up on it too. Thank you.

 

[BusynMember]

You may start your own thread because it will get more attention.

I'd say that if your sixteen year old's only issue is not brushing his teeth, you have it easy...lol. I wouldn't stress over it myself. Natural consequences should work...kids are mean and eventually somebody will say something.

 

[Bryan]

I was thinking of my own thread, but after reading this and seeing that others have the same problem, I am at ease. Natural consequences for him, yeah, but high dentist bills for us. Other than that, he is a good kid. Almost a straight A student. He does get away with barely any chores at all, but that's a whole new topic. Thank you Midwest Mom.

 

[BusynMember]

Sure.
Feel free to start a new thread whenever you feel like it.

 

[Confused]

I understand as well! Teeth and bathes for my one child is a battle, and possibly she is on the spectrum side! Actually, I agree with being as clean as possible and our kids should be too! I also didnt/dont like getting comments from others about these issues because as a mom, I feel I have failed the basics for my kids. And with bad hygiene, the possible medical issues scares me for them. I really understand but, like all the others said, yes, it seems to be an issue and we can do everything we can to convince/help our kids, but at a certain age, Im trying to learn to leave it alone, if parents make comments I would always defend us! But why defend us when we are doing the best to care for them...so .. as much as it hurts us.. I have to let my kids hear it from strangers. I want to protect them but... theres only so much I can do without battling it out daily. They dont know what is going on in our family.

I tried not allowing them to go to school/ outside etc with no baths and sometimes it works and they shower and brush their teeth. But most times.. well, Im still learning. So I will take everyone's advice for you for myself as well! Hugs and good luck.

(interesting about the toothpaste flavors!)

 

[TerryJ2]

Old thread, old battle, ongoing battle. We're still fighting it too.

 

[Bryan]

Know what guys? You helped. I am not stressed anymore. I just don't give a shi*. Really, its like a huge weight was lifted off me. He don't brush, who cares. He suffers in the end. Is that mean?? And TerryJ2, your STILL battling that? Didn't you post the problem 2 years ago?

Damn I feel so much better.

 

[TerryJ2]

LOL! Yes, Bryan.
And *I* care because my difficult child has no concept of personal space. He gets up-close and personal and OMG, he could win any argument just by breathing on me. I can't even concentrate. And then he scrapes crud off of his front teeth with-his fingernail and I think I'm going to puke.
I need more civilization than you do.

 

[TerryJ2]

Confused, I've gotten teachers and school counselors in on the bath thing. Embarrassing for difficult child? You bet. But it works. And by the way, it is very common for them to have this issue with-students. It is no judgment at all upon parents. It doesn't take long to figure out which teachers are happy to help.

 

[Bryan]

In all seriousness, since I posted this message, the stress is nearly gone. I thought I was alone. I'm not happy that TerryJ2 says she still has the same problem even after years (is this what I have to put up with too??!?!) But really, I don't even bother asking him to brush anymore. His toothbrush sits in the spot every single day and ya know what? I don't care. How did you guys manage to help, that's truly amazing. I used to think about how bad it was a dozen times a day at least. Now, once or twice a week.

Are you FLYING in yourr photo there TerryJ2?

 

[TerryJ2]

Lol, Bryan! Actually, it's my daughter, but quite symbolic of the craziness in our home.

We went to the therapist the other day and husband and I talked with-difficult child and the dr about hygiene. I reminded difficult child that I had taken away his iPad until he could go for two straight weeks of brushing his teeth and bathing. He did very well for the first few days. Now ... not so much.
Sigh.