Chronicle of A Failed Suicide Attempt

[JRC]

Culturanta, I am so sorry. Sorry that your wife is so angry. Sorry that YS is at the mercy of DS and the whole dysfunctional system. And sorry that you are in many ways simply a guest at the table in this crazy Alice In Wonderland tea. ((hugs))

 

[recoveringenabler]

My son-in-law committed suicide. He was from a DYSFUNCTIONAL family the likes of which I had not known before. He was the "normal" one. His act was brewing for decades before his choice. That act blew up many lives, my daughter's being one of them.

This did not happen in a vacuum for YS, he is not alone in the need for professional help........

I think they would protect DS, even now, above YS' needs.

That is a sad statement and doesn't bode well for YS in the future.

YS asked me once to run away with him and raise him myself. At this point, I may actually consider it!

Culturanta, I'm glad you are not in denial, but that's a tough place to be for you. Being the one who sees the truth is a precarious position in such a broken system. Seems as if YS sees the truth too.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

YS does see the truth and he has been screaming it for years.

His father and mother did not listen. They knew DS was abusing YS, but their solution was to tell YS to hide in his room and not do anything to "upset" DS. Never once did it occur to anyone that YS deserved to grow up normally, and removing DS from the home would have been best for both of the boys.

Not one person has ever stuck up for YS, taken his side, or put him first. DS has always come first.

When I came into his life YS was turning 11. He tried to enlist me as his savior, because I could see the same things he did. I tried to talk to my wife about this, but her denial and other issues were very strong, and she didn't listen.

YS began to shut me out when it became clear I could not rescue him from his situation. He was very angry and I don't blame him. I know in the end my relationship with him will always be loving and positive.

I am in a very difficult position and it helps so much to share it with you wonderful people.

If I have the opportunity to speak privately with the mental health professionals who will eventually treat him when he reaches the point of inpatient psychiatric, I will do so and will tell them everything.

 

[recoveringenabler]

YS needs an advocate.....and so do you. I have often been in the position of holding the light of truth in a dark situation. As a therapist once said to me, "when you hold the light of truth, what others get to see is their own darkness." It can be a slippery slope and can induce anger and hostility in others. You and YS require support, comfort and love in the midst of this chaos. You two are the ones I feel most concerned for.

After my son-in-law died, I observed the family system get worse, they closed ranks and blamed everyone, including my daughter and myself for their loss. It was one of the ugliest times in my life, all induced by denial, shame, blame, rage and powerlessness. It may be prudent for you to seek professional support as this saga unfolds. Also to help you to come to terms with how much you can really do to support YS in his healing.

My heart goes out to you Cultaranta, you are seeing denial and dysfunction from a front row seat, not in the inner circle, but having to be on the sidelines with no power to change anything. I've been there. Make sure you take care of you now.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Not one person has ever stuck up for YS, taken his side, or put him first. DS has always come first.

This reminded me so much of my son-in-law whose brother was a raging alcoholic always in trouble, always creating chaos, always the center of the family's care. My son-in-law took care of everyone else all the time, no one took his side or put him first either. No one saw it coming. Right before he died, he asked his family for help, they all turned their back on him.....their guilt and denial over that fueled their remarkable rage.

I'm so sorry Culturanta, I so empathize with the position you find yourself in. Many, many hugs to you......

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

YS needs an advocate.....and so do you. I have often been in the position of holding the light of truth in a dark situation. As a therapist once said to me, "when you hold the light of truth, what others get to see is their own darkness." It can be a slippery slope and can induce anger and hostility in others. You and YS require support, comfort and love in the midst of this chaos. You two are the ones I feel most concerned for.

After my son-in-law died, I observed the family system get worse, they closed ranks and blamed everyone, including my daughter and myself for their loss. It was one of the ugliest times in my life, all induced by denial, shame, blame, rage and powerlessness. It may be prudent for you to seek professional support as this saga unfolds. Also to help you to come to terms with how much you can really do to support YS in his healing.

My heart goes out to you Cultaranta, you are seeing denial and dysfunction from a front row seat, not in the inner circle, but having to be on the sidelines with no power to change anything. I've been there. Make sure you take care of you now.

Thank you so much RE and I am so sorry for what your family went through. It makes me wonder if my stepson is one of many who exist in the shadows of these terribly screwed up families. The devastation to their self-esteem is immeasurable and can eventually lead to this kind of tragedy.

I have tried to interest their father in Al-Anon. He has not been interested yet. I will continue to try. He is a good person, just "sick" from a lifetime of caretaking mentally ill individuals including his own parents. He and I have always gotten along well. This helps the boys though it frequently annoys my wife.

I am taking time for myself today and tomorrow. I fear this family will experience the same deterioration that you experienced. They are not ready and perhaps, not able to look honestly at their actions. It will be easier to blame each other. My wife's mother, my Monster In Law, is the matriarch of the DYSFUNCTION and she's already started playing that game.

I agree with you that I need to protect myself. I feel confident I can do that. YS is another matter. Unfortunately, I have no legal right to YS or DS for that matter. I can do little except love him and encourage him to take care of himself. I couldn't run off with him without getting arrested.

Didn't cause it, cannot control it, and cannot cure it.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I can do little except love him and encourage him to take care of himself.

Well, that is A LOT. As you likely know, one person's love for another, even in these kinds of horrific circumstances, can make a HUGE difference. There is nothing you need to do, just be there and love him.....and mirror your own self love and self compassion.

my Monster In Law, is the matriarch of the DYSFUNCTION and she's already started playing that game.

My son-in-law's mother was the same, she orchestrated the assault on myself and my daughter in the aftermath of the suicide....she kept it going for years and years, the bitterness and ugliness knew no bounds. In one of my suicide support groups, the therapist told us that the parents of the person who committed suicide will actively look for someone to blame. Interestingly, we were told that if there is no one to blame, they will often blame the authorities, the police, the medical people....they WILL find someone to blame.

For the last 17 years I've held on to my integrity and taken care of myself while letting the children know I was always there. Recently at a wedding, the first wife of my son-in-law, (who was also part of the major craziness that went on all those years ago), thanked me for being there for her 2 daughters (my daughter's step daughters) for all of these years while she was struggling with addiction. Just being me and caring for the kids made an enormous difference. I couldn't see it for many years, but now that the kids are all grown, they have told me how much it meant to have me quietly on the sidelines, NOT engaging in the insanity, but simply being the calm and stable voice of reason and love. I never knew how much it meant to the kids and remarkably to their mother as well, who I didn't know at all, had never even met.

Being you......is enough. There is nothing else you have to do. You're doing a really good job with your boundaries and self care....and I know how hard it is.

 

[AppleCori]

Culturana,

There may come a time when you will have to talk to YS's doctors about his home life situation, in order to make sure he is away from his older, abusive brother. Maybe even CPS, though hopefully it won't come to that...

My adult daughter was in the ICU a few months ago, after developing Septic Shock. She also said some unusual things and had memory lapses and confusion ( not to the extent YS has, though). She had seizures and then developed migraines.

The neurologist said it is common for people to get something akin to PTSD from the stress of being in the ICU. Recovery for that alone can take 18 months.

I'm glad you are getting away from things for a while.

Have you thought about marriage counseling?

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Culturana,

There may come a time when you will have to talk to YS's doctors about his home life situation, in order to make sure he is away from his older, abusive brother. Maybe even CPS, though hopefully it won't come to that...

My adult daughter was in the ICU a few months ago, after developing Septic Shock. She also said some unusual things and had memory lapses and confusion ( not to the extent YS has, though). She had seizures and then developed migraines.

The neurologist said it is common for people to get something akin to PTSD from the stress of being in the ICU. Recovery for that alone can take 18 months.

I'm glad you are getting away from things for a while.

Have you thought about marriage counseling?

Thanks for this info. I hadn't thought about reporting to DCFS. In my work I am a mandated reporter, I wonder if that applies just to my students or to my personal life as well. That is an option I will keep in my back pocket. I do want to protect YS as much as I can.

 

[Littleboylost]

There's much I don't share here. Suffice it to say that as far as families go, there is dysfunctional, then there is Dysfunctional then there is DYSFUNCTIONAL!!!!!

Hi Cult;

I am just carching up here. So much going on, so much progress and yet the outcome still remains unknown with YS.

I came from a very DYSFUNCTIONAL family. I took a lot of years of self care and self help to get where I am in life. Indeed it takes its toll on everyone.

The ICU psychosis can mask a lot. It does take a good long time to wean off of Fentanyl and Versed. They are a long shot better than Valium and Morphine and are a necessary evil to keep things functioning to sustain life.

Very few people become addicted to medications given in critical situations.

The dialysis will definitely clear some of the medication out of his system.

they are managing his taper wisely and this will help reduce the psychosis.

Hang in there. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[JustForToday]

YS does see the truth and he has been screaming it for years.

His father and mother did not listen. They knew DS was abusing YS, but their solution was to tell YS to hide in his room and not do anything to "upset" DS. Never once did it occur to anyone that YS deserved to grow up normally, and removing DS from the home would have been best for both of the boys.

Not one person has ever stuck up for YS, taken his side, or put him first. DS has always come first.

When I came into his life YS was turning 11. He tried to enlist me as his savior, because I could see the same things he did. I tried to talk to my wife about this, but her denial and other issues were very strong, and she didn't listen.

YS began to shut me out when it became clear I could not rescue him from his situation. He was very angry and I don't blame him. I know in the end my relationship with him will always be loving and positive.

I am in a very difficult position and it helps so much to share it with you wonderful people.

If I have the opportunity to speak privately with the mental health professionals who will eventually treat him when he reaches the point of inpatient psychiatric, I will do so and will tell them everything.

Culturanta,

1st I want to say how very sorry I am about your situation. I cannot imagine the pain you are experiencing.

I am not a stalker, I tried posting on this site, under a different name before, but I was met by some pretty sharp criticism and judgment by one of the more active members, so I decided that posting here wasn't really helpful for me.

However I read here sometimes, to see how some of the supportive posters were doing. Your story, and, particularly this post, touched me. I would like to share something that I have only shared with one other person in my life.

I was your YS. I was abused, physically, verbally, and emotionally by an older sibling throughout my life. My family;s solution was like you wife's. Tiptoe around, walk on eggshells, don't do anything to anger Abusive Sibling (AS) I spent many summer days (we were left home alone together) locked in a bathroom, hiding in the back of a closet, or hiding in the detached garage.

What this did was blame the victim. It was always my fault when I was assaulted because whatever I did, and it, really, didn't have to be anything other than exist, it was my fault I was assaulted. Because I had shame and guilt as a child, I never told anyone. I always felt that it was my fault.

I was depressed, anxious, and intermittently suicidal throughout my childhood. I remained so until I left for college. I never felt as if I mattered. I always felt like I was a burden, merely tolerated, the AS was the only one that was loved, because his feelings were the only ones ever taken into consideration. I had no self worth and allowed "friends" to mistreat me because I was so desperate to be liked. By anyone.

I am in my 40s. I still have very low self esteem, and I struggle with social anxiety and an eating disorder. My 1st marriage was to an emotionally distant man who constantly criticized me and cheated on me with any female that smiled at him, and I tolerated it for 12 years, because I never though I deserved better.

I write this not for sympathy or criticism or to solicit opinions. I shared this because I want those of you who have violent or aggressive or verbally abusive troubled children to know that the damage they inflict on their siblings id lifelong and very difficult to overcome.

I urge you (generalized "you") to protect your "non-troubled" children. Remove the aggressor from the house, or if you are unwilling to do so, please find a safe place for their victims to live, even if you have to leave your spouse to do so.

Culturanta, I have often felt that if I had one person in my life who had defended me, who let me know that I mattered, that my safety, and my happiness was important, that I would be a very different person today. YS, at least, knows that you believed him, that you didn't blame him for the behavior of his brother. That is something important, believe me. I, and probably he, realize that as a step-parent your hands are somewhat tied.

I wish YS a speedy and complete recovery, and I wish your family, and, particularly you, peace.

 

[Copabanana]

jftoday. i hope very much that is was not me who judged and hurt you.

i have struggled with much of the same in my life. i was bullied by a younger sister. Not to the extreme you describe, but bad enough. My mother defended my sister and did not believe me. My sister invented stories and I was beaten and treated sadistically by my stepfather. treated harshly by my mother. I was all all alone. i had no self- confidence. No sense of value as a person. No awareness of boundaries and that I could protect myselfor was worth it.

The only reason I was driven to succeed was to establish I had value enough to be loved. To establish I deserved something by virtue of achieving. Without it i was nothing. Of course i see the futility of this.

Still, I have a despair, a yearning, something that feels broken within me. I always was aware of my biography. But I warded off the feelings.

Now that i am old the chickens have come home to roost. There is no running anymore. nowhere to go. to hide. no more dreams. i am the effect of my whole life.

I am been hurt by somebody here. One thing I have realized is that i can only be hurt where i have not healed. So by this i mean i have to collaborate to feel the wound. I have to take it to heart in order to feel the blow.

Somebody that has posted here said she felt it was like going to starbucks and shouting out one's problems. And permitting anybody to take a shot no matter what their motivation or their own self-awareness. There is truth to this but it is not the whole truth

There is great wisdom here and courage and nobility, strength and love. Your post is all of this. The voices on this thread come from this place.

By reading your post I was able to see more, feel more, some of the truth of my own life.

Thank you

 

[pigless in VA]

"when you hold the light of truth, what others get to see is their own darkness."

This is a powerful quote, RE. Thank you.

the parents of the person who committed suicide will actively look for someone to blame. Interestingly, we were told that if there is no one to blame, they will often blame the authorities, the police, the medical people....they WILL find someone to blame.

My father in law blamed me for my husband's suicide. I did everything I could possibly think of to keep Lloyd alive, and yet I was blamed for his death. Lloyd's uncle wanted me to sue the hospital for discharging him too early. It was their fault. This is the horrible legacy of death by suicide. People turn on each other. They don't comprehend mental illness and they want it to be someone's fault.

JustForToday,

Thank you for sharing your story.

culturanta,

I agree that the love you show YS is meaningful to him. I know you will do whatever you can to teach him resiliency.

 

[wisernow]

Culturana....you are in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of yourself. This is such a stressful situation and unfortunately not one that you can control or change at the moment. I hope for a good recovery for YS and agree that yes the two boys need to be separated. How has DS been handling this experience? I am sorry that your wife is unleashing her anger at you. That must be very hurtful and something you don't deserve! YS is very lucky to have you in his life.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

JFT, I am sorry I haven't responded directly to your post until now. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I feel empathy and compassion for you and I am so glad you made it out of that home and into adulthood. Yes our past pain leads us to make mistake after mistake as we keep trying to learn our worth. Eventually we do learn those lessons and it sticks. We do start caring for ourselves better. I am probably halfway there myself. You will get there too. (big hugs)

One thing I am learning observing my YS' and DS' family of origin handle this crisis is that toxic family systems function like a totalitarian society. The individual members of the family are much less important than keeping the diseased family system itself operating. Already (as I predicted) my wife in particular is leaping to the defense of DS. Already my Monster In Law is saying this was all a big mistake and everything will go back to normal as soon as YS finishes his physical rehab. I keep gently reminding my wife that the real issue here is YS' psychiatric state and safety, not the problems he has created for his body - which are considerable and which are the sole focus of his treatment at the present time. My wife doesn't want to know what she doesn't want to know, if that makes sense.

I have learned a deeper appreciation and loyalty for my own family of origin. My family was Dysfunctional but absolutely nothing compared to what my wife and my poor stepsons have endured. This family I married into is beyond dysfunctional, it is truly TOXIC, poisonous.

I need to make more time for my elderly mother and my niece and nephew who are 8 and 11 respectively. I tend to ignore them in favor of this toxic mess. I need to stop that for my own well being. I need to find a balance.

I have been participating in telephone meetings for my fellowship of choice and they are helping me SO much. It is going to be almost impossible for me to keep my nose out of the coming discussions about YS' care. As much as I love him and can see the lights of the approaching freight train, I have no right. That is the sad reality. I will try to influence my wife as much as possible and in the past she's been open to that, she knows I am sensible and intelligent and have her children's best interest at heart.

Things with the wife are better, she is thrashing against my boundaries but I am holding firm and she is beginning to accept them. I am (strongly) encouraging her to resume her self-care activities that help her stay grounded and in control of her emotions and she is slowly doing that.

Will keep you all posted. I am thinking of you all.

 

[BusynMember]

You are so smart and strong, culturanta. I am sure you could be a rock if you'd be allowed. Praying for more strength for you and everyone else as this continues.

 

[Sam3]

I also have in-laws that are bad for each other. I do have an observation though and I hope you can take it in the spirit in which it is made,

Sometimes feeling bad things are likely is easier than feeling hope -- but that's for our own sense of control and preparedness. Both can be future tripping. I think it's a challenge to do what's best in the moment without ascribing any success
rate to the potential outcome. (I am telling this as much to myself as to you.).

Give selflessly and let go. Lather rinse repeat.

 

[Copabanana]

sam. what a wise, wise post.

i for one deal with anxiety, fear and vulnerability by catastrophizing and thereby giving energy to negative outcomes.

thank you.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Well, the universe sent me a message to focus on my self-care above all else. I had what I thought was a nagging injury. I made a doctor appointment but the pain got too bad so I went to the ER. Turns out I have a chronic, manageable, but very painful condition that will ultimately require surgery. It is not life-threatening. But painful and limiting. I am seeing a specialist today (the appointment I referred to earlier) to develop a treatment plan. I am grateful that this health issue is manageable and not life-threatening. I am reminded to keep it simple and focus on what I can do and change in the moment.

 

[pasajes4]

I am sorry that you are facing a health issue in the middle of all that you are going through. Praying for healing and comfort.