Court again, jail again?

[Dawn N]

I don't sleep well for days before my adult son has to once again go to court. Not knowing if he will be in jail tomorrow or not. I am worn out. No longer can I help to get any of the therapy, doctors care, services or placement he needs. He is unstable, I feel helpless. But I have learned to stop enabling him, a hard reality I had to face and have discussed with him. My son is not a criminal, but his choices and living in the moment has time and again caught up with him. I cannot go to court this time, I cannot see him taken away again. It is too hard. I have told him the last time he was in jail, if you ever are incarcerated again, I cannot visit you. I will talk to you and write to you I have gone to the wall for my son all his life, home schooled him, got help in placement when crisis hit, and people would tell me couldn't be done, for example from the youth hkme, but I got him directly into placement. I would not take no for an answer and talked to people until I found the ones that would work with me to help him all through his childhood. I never imagined he would struggle so much as an adult. Was I naive to think things would get better? I have to find strength to take care of myself through this once again. And pray for him that things work out tomorrow and he can still work and have a place to live in an apt. he shares. If not, he starts counting days once again. I feel alone in my crisis with my son but I know there are many parents that feel my pain.

 

[BusynMember]

Sounds like you did an amazing mom job for your son and that he must have issues that are beyond your control. Mental illness, neurological differences and addiction are common here.

You did not share much about your son, but YOU sound like you did all you could to help him learn the skills to be a productive adult. Unfortunately, we cant force them to take advantage of the things they were taught.

But you sure did your best and now its up to him. im glad you are taking care of yourself and staying away from court.

Hugs for your hurting heart. You are not alone.

 

[Childofmine]

Hi Dawn, and welcome to the forum. We're glad you are here.

I have gone to the wall for my son all his life,

I would not take no for an answer

Here, we so understand what you wrote and what you did for your son all his life. This resonates with me, and I imagine, with so many here.

We pulled and pushed and researched and called and read and tried everything in the world to get our precious DCs moving forward on the right path. It sounds like you pulled him out of the fire again and again.

That's what we do for our struggling Children. But then, those Children become Adults. It sounds like your son is an Adult. Adult problems = Adult consequences.

My son was in jail many times. At first, I was devastated when he would go to jail, but as time went on, I was relieved. Jail meant he wasn't homeless, he wasn't "somewhere", wherever that was, he wasn't lying in a ditch hurt or high, he was relatively safe. Isn't that crazy, that you get to a point when jail is so much better than the alternative? I could rest when he was in jail. It was more defined than the rest of his life seemed to be for me.

Dawn, there comes a time, I believe, when we have to stop. We have to stop for many reasons. First, because we literally have no more to offer. We love them so much, but all of our love and our best efforts (better than best, amazing efforts!) didn't. change. anything. They kept on doing what they do, as fast as we tried to stop it.

Second, we have to stop because we see that our efforts are not good...for them. Creating a safety net for another person so he/she doesn't have to live the natural consequences of their own actions and their own decisions and their own choices isn't good for them. This is not how adults are made. Adults are made through recognizing that their choices have consequences---not for us...for them.

They have to feel the full force of those consequences...and maybe, in time...they will be motivated to change.

You wouldn't believe the times I drug my son to doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors. If I could get him there (many times he didn't answer the door or just flat refused to go), he wouldn't say a word. He would slump down in his chair, with his hoody pulled over his head, and his momma would do all the talking. Well, that sure doesn't work.

Last night, my son told me on the phone that he went to the doctor---one of the ones I drug him to years ago---and asked for antidepressants. He did all of this himself. He called the doctor, he made the appointment, he went to the doctor, he took the prescription to the pharmacy...he did it all himself. I didn't even know about it until after it was all done. This is what has to happen, if people are to ever change. Their own skin has to be in the game---not our skin---their skin.

Dawn, please rest. Please restore yourself. You're off duty. Your shift is over. Someone else is on duty now---the courts, the lawyers, the jail. Let them have it all, at least for a while. He is somewhere. He got there under his own steam. In time, after you are rested, after you get back to level ground, you can decide then what you will do. You can always change your mind, at any time.

We're here for you in the meantime. There is hope, Dawn. There is hope for us, and to live a happy and peaceful life. Hang in there. Warm hugs.

 

[so ready to live]

Hi Dawn. Many of us here "get it". We do.

YOU sound like you did all you could to help him learn the skills to be a productive adult. Unfortunately, we cant force them to take advantage of the things they were taught.

So true in every respect. BUT-we did teach them, didn't we? I'm not sure it's naive to think they will function as adults, I think when you're working so hard to get them through your heart can't bear the thoughts of future struggles, failures. So we simply keep trying, that's what we do, we're moms. We fix it. And then we can't.

You're off duty. Your shift is over. Someone else is on duty now---the courts, the lawyers, the jail. Let them have it all, at least for a while. He is somewhere. He got there under his own steam. In time, after you are rested, after you get back to level ground, you can decide then what you will do. You can always change your mind, at any time.

I too have felt better knowing my son was in jail, sounds absurd, who lives like this? We do. I've thought "He gets arrested and I get rested". Because he has a roof over his head, 3 hots and a cot, he isn't being hurt or hurting others.
Take time now to restore you. You've done all you can and then some. There's a time to just stop and watch, backing off to see how this plays out, knowing you have no part in it. Do you still love him? Of course. Continue to love him, but first love you. You'll make it. We're here. Prayers.

 

[RN0441]

Dawn:

Warm hugs for you. I have not done the jail thing with my son but I can see how it could be a relief. I'm hoping that since WE took such drastic changes that maybe we can avoid that. But who knows.

Child of Mine and So Ready - your posts sounds like me. Couldn't even keep up with all the stuff. Kept thinking, just this last bit of mess I can clean up and then we're good. Uh. Not.

Just wanted to offer my support. Welcome and we get it.

 

[Dawn N]

Hi Dawn, and welcome to the forum. We're glad you are here.

Thank you so much for your kind reply. It is good to know we are not along in all this. I rediscovered this forum as I had posted it around 6 or 7 years ago when I was going through a divorce and many teenage issues with my son. The community here wrapped their hearts and arms around me to the point it truly helped me to cope. As I sat there wide awake in the middle of the night last night I remembered this forum and well, her I am once again.
I have definitely felt the same when my son was in jail at times, at least he is safe. Even my mother say that. But for some reason now I look at his possibly going to or being in jail differently. Probably because jail puts him in a situation where he looses his job and his place to live when he gets out so inevitably it seems like more problems. I look at it like at least he is working and has a roof over his head now.
Somehow my son avoided being processed to jail today. He kind of "bragged" he must have some attorney traits, as this is the 2nd time he broke probation and they re-instated it, he goes back to court at the end of the month. He can speak respectfully to a judge and speak well for himself to try and "get out of trouble" but what he promises the judge may be short lived. Although he has been in boot camp, psychiatric hospitalization, youth home therapy program and adult jail it sounds heartless to say he has been given many 2nd and 3rd chances by the "system". Sadly there is not much help therapeutically for low income adults with no insurance, as you all know too well.
It is wonderful that your son has taken steps himself to get some help with the doctor. I hope he continues down this positive road, one step at a time.

"Dawn, there comes a time, I believe, when we have to stop. We have to stop for many reasons. First, because we literally have no more to offer. We love them so much, but all of our love and our best efforts (better than best, amazing efforts!) didn't. change. anything. They kept on doing what they do, as fast as we tried to stop it. "
I appreciate the advise...as I realize how very true this is. If we allow, it seems a stressful life could be with us until our retirement years and there after. We have "paid our dues" and shown unconditional love". Even though I can sleep a bit better knowing for now he is not in jail, I will do my best to keep busy, carry on and in the words my step mom left me before she passed..."Rock on"!
Thanks again for the support!


Here, we so understand what you wrote and what you did for your son all his life. This resonates with me, and I imagine, with so many here.

We pulled and pushed and researched and called and read and tried everything in the world to get our precious DCs moving forward on the right path. It sounds like you pulled him out of the fire again and again.

That's what we do for our struggling Children. But then, those Children become Adults. It sounds like your son is an Adult. Adult problems = Adult consequences.

My son was in jail many times. At first, I was devastated when he would go to jail, but as time went on, I was relieved. Jail meant he wasn't homeless, he wasn't "somewhere", wherever that was, he wasn't lying in a ditch hurt or high, he was relatively safe. Isn't that crazy, that you get to a point when jail is so much better than the alternative? I could rest when he was in jail. It was more defined than the rest of his life seemed to be for me.

Dawn, there comes a time, I believe, when we have to stop. We have to stop for many reasons. First, because we literally have no more to offer. We love them so much, but all of our love and our best efforts (better than best, amazing efforts!) didn't. change. anything. They kept on doing what they do, as fast as we tried to stop it.

Second, we have to stop because we see that our efforts are not good...for them. Creating a safety net for another person so he/she doesn't have to live the natural consequences of their own actions and their own decisions and their own choices isn't good for them. This is not how adults are made. Adults are made through recognizing that their choices have consequences---not for us...for them.

They have to feel the full force of those consequences...and maybe, in time...they will be motivated to change.

You wouldn't believe the times I drug my son to doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors. If I could get him there (many times he didn't answer the door or just flat refused to go), he wouldn't say a word. He would slump down in his chair, with his hoody pulled over his head, and his momma would do all the talking. Well, that sure doesn't work.

Last night, my son told me on the phone that he went to the doctor---one of the ones I drug him to years ago---and asked for antidepressants. He did all of this himself. He called the doctor, he made the appointment, he went to the doctor, he took the prescription to the pharmacy...he did it all himself. I didn't even know about it until after it was all done. This is what has to happen, if people are to ever change. Their own skin has to be in the game---not our skin---their skin.

Dawn, please rest. Please restore yourself. You're off duty. Your shift is over. Someone else is on duty now---the courts, the lawyers, the jail. Let them have it all, at least for a while. He is somewhere. He got there under his own steam. In time, after you are rested, after you get back to level ground, you can decide then what you will do. You can always change your mind, at any time.

We're here for you in the meantime. There is hope, Dawn. There is hope for us, and to live a happy and peaceful life. Hang in there. Warm hugs.

 

[Dawn N]

Thank you so much for the insights and support. I find it amazing that even though I do have family and a friend that is a huge support I needed to reach out to parents like yourselves for the comfort and compassion I truly needed last night, in the middle of the night. And after a few hours.of sleep I woke up and there you all were, giving me faith and the strength I needed to get to work and get on with my day. My son did not end up going to jail, which amazes me. It is a blessing and he was given once again, another chance u too court again at the end of the month. I will pay it forward as you all do when I can. Thanks again for your kindness and support
When they say it takes a village, members here are like no other village. Very special, soft place to land.

 

[Childofmine]

Dawn, my son would dodge the jail bullet many times too. The jails are full, and they let them go, even when the attorneys advise they won't let them go. I don't know if this is good or bad, it just is.

Before my son got a felony for selling drugs, I focused on his "record", his job, his remaining respectable parts of his life. I worried myself to death about all of that. Finally, I had to let all of that go. It really didn't matter.

Once, my precious parents wanted to bail him out of jail and pay the $200 so he could keep the job he had just gotten---a good thing, right, getting a job?---the Friday before. I gently suggested they not do that.

I hope your son sees this is a second chance to fly right. If he doesn't, don't despair. I think every situation, every experience is teaching them something that hopefully they will draw on later, when they are ready to walk a new path.

 

[AppleCori]

Hi Dawn,

How did court go?

 

[savior no more]

f I could get him there (many times he didn't answer the door or just flat refused to go), he wouldn't say a word. He would slump down in his chair, with his hoody pulled over his head, and his momma would do all the talking.

This brought back such memories for me. Two of the most vivid memories were first when he was around five years old and I hauled him to a nice lady psychologist. He had on a yellow hoodie and he spit on me the whole way up the elevators to the second floor of this building. He was pounding his feet on the floor while we were waiting. I can't remember my response to him exactly - I do remember the desperation of trying to get SOMEONE TO PLEASE help me with this kid and overwhelming shame and guilt for his public behavior.

The second time that is so vivid is he was 17 years old and had spent 18 months in a residential treatment center. I hauled him then to a male psychologist and he went willingly but then slumped in the chair and had this attitude such as "you can't make me do one thing". The psycologist then evaluated him and asked to speak to me privately. He said my son's demeanor was one of pure opposition and that he really didn't like to work with kids like this as he had little impact but he would consider it. I booked another appointment but later called and related to the receptionist that I didn't think we needed his services. I was certain the psychologist had it wrong - he just didn't understand my son. ha Who had it wrong was me and this man understood my son way better than me. There are times I think about writing a book on the tales of raising him but I'm not sure I could stand re-living the trauma.

 

[jude-in-nj]

Hi Dawn, welcome to the forum and I am so sorry for what you are going through.
I can completely relate to what you are dealing with, my son is due to go to court next week and could very well end up back in jail for 3-5 yrs. on a violation of probation.

I am glad your son did not end up in jail, I am hoping the same for mine.. but feel guilty when I think if the peace that will bring us if he does go away again.

I don't cry often, I think I have become so desensitized to everything that happens.. but when I cry it is for my other children and the "memories" that we are creating for them.. memories that cannot be undone, memories of their oldest brother being hauled off to jail, memories of Difficult Child going after his (their) dad... I cry for them because I don't want them to look back one day and only have the negative things to remember. But... sadly it's too late for that.. And I hate myself for that..

Just hang in there, this is a wonderful place to come for advice from parents who can honestly say "we've been there!"

Hugs to you....