Marguerite
Active Member
Sandy, I also have limited mobility. I could never run after my kids (not after difficult child 1 and from then on). With GFG3vespecially, he would run (not to be naughty, he just was excited by things he saw and wanted to follow). If anyone tried to chase him it became a game and he would keep running. I couldn't run, so he learned that he had to come back. Other people who minded him for me would go into panic mode when he ran from them, because he often would get out of sight before he thought to come back, and he wouldn't respond to being called or anything.
I had no choice. I couldn't chase him. I just had to hope, heart pounding. But he did come back.
difficult child 3 would also climb into everything. We locked stuff away but he would find the key, climb to ceiling height if necessary to get it, often very risky. So we stopped locking things up that we knew he would want to get into. Stuff tat was genuinely dangerous, we removed from the premises. He would get out of the house and go wandering, so we had a front fence installed and used octopus straps to hold the gates shut. He knew how to unti them, but they were too strong for him. We installed a fence that was unclimbable.
Otherwise - my attitude has had to be, let him go. I sit and wait. Soon enough he has to come back to me. Because eventually, he will need his dinner. And then I have power over him, because he wants something from me and has to face what he has done before I give him what he wants.
Climbing over benches, stovetops etc - I bet you anything, she won't climb on a stove with a hot plate that is on. We often worry too much that our kids will be so aroused that they will hurt themselves, but we forget that kids seem to have almost superhuman skills of balance, danger management etc. Kids take huge risks. And kids do fall sometimes, but they generally bounce.
difficult child 3 has only fallen out of a tree once, and that was because there was another kid up there with him who pushed him suddenly (difficult child 3 reached out to hold his friend's hand, his friend was socially aware enough to think it 'gay' to hold another boy's hand, and pushed him away, three metres up).
easy child 2/difficult child 2 used to send her teachers into a panic over the way she would climb on things and walk along narrow rails, fence tops etc. Then someone at after school care introduced acircus skills program, and easy child 2/difficult child 2 immediately took to stilwalking like a duck to water. She now works professionally as a stiltwalker, despite having kinesthesia problems in every other way. She just happens to have a brilliant sense of balance, difficult child 3 has the same.
What I'm saying - if Eris runs, climbs, goes and hides - leave her. If she breaks something or disconnects something, then she has to wear the angerthis causes from the person whose stuff she's damaged. She has to make it good. The more you try to drag her out form under husband's desk, for example, the more she will in a panic grab at stuff to hold on. If you aren't chasing her as she goes under the desk, she will probably climb under more carefully. It hurts to put your knee on a plug or a cable, it's more comfortable to sit on the carpet.
Don't punish yourself and your body, to try to prevent her. She is alreayd probvably more agile tyhan you, stronger than you, more capable physically. Don't embarrass yourself and set yourself up for failure. It's better to not try, but remember YOU are the mum, you have power over her in so many little ways. She wants soemthing form you (washing done, dinne cooked, help with homework, reminding, driving her to friends - so many things). YOU HAVE CONTROL.
The more you chase and try to control her, the worse will be the tantrum. If you simp;ly stand back and wait, she is the one fighting shadows (the image of you chasing her that in reality is not ther)and will realise sooner how foolish she looks, climbing onto the kitchen bench with no reason for it at all.
A good punishment for that, by the way - get a cloth and make her clean her footprints off the area that is used for food preparation. Why should everyone else in the family risk eating her foot germs? But don't push that button unless you're sure you cna make it stick.
It takes courage to do this. Also, depending on how determined she can be, you may have to modify my suggestions. If she already is really extreme in the risks she takes even if you don't pursue, then you may have to either clear the decks (and tie cables in firmly and safely, in husband's desk) to make things safer for her when she next rampages. Jut as we installed a front fence so when difficult child 3 wandered, we knew he wouldn't be able to leave the property). Make her existing range safer, at least for a while until she learns the new way of management. But she has to stop this some time, it's going to look ridiculous when she's a lumbering 15 year old still wanting to climb over the kitchen bench or hide under Daddy's desk.
Another thing to use - send her to her room as you are doing, but make the room her refuge. It's not a punishment, but somewhere for her to take herself until she can regain some self-control. So if she comes home form school upset because a kid was mean to her, she can put herself in her room. If she argues with her and is upset by you, she can put herself in her room. Going to her room then becomes a coping skill, not ap unishment. We go somewhere quiet to regain our composure (like crying in the ladies loo when the boss yells at us at work). From what you say, I think you're already well on the way for this one with her.
Talk to her. Put strategies in place ahead of time. tell her you will no longer chase her, but if she does this there will be consequences because she needs you more than you need her. You love her, but you don't rely on her to feed you, to drive you places. It's the other way around. And it's now quid pro quo time. Words are now what will be used to resolve things, not physicality. If she's feeling angry and aggressive, she needs to find another outlet (I used a jogging trampoline for the kids, for years - "go do 40 jumps then come and talk to me about it.")
Since you joined us, I've been impressed by your posts and how you handle your daughter. I think you're a good mother. You're already donig a lot of really good things with her, but she IS a handful. Maybe trying this could help.
And remember - I speak from experience. I don't have a specific diagnosis for myself (after 25 years, that's ridiculous, I know) but it resembles MS as much as anything. I walk with crutches, I use a mobility scooter (the "little old lady" type). I've had to find different ways to cope with toddlers, because I've had this while my babies were being born and growing up. So far, I haven't lost one. Nor have we had any broken bones (other than easy child/2GFG2 breaking her wrist falling off her stils right before the audition for the Sydney 2000 Olympics Opening Ceremony).
Marg
I had no choice. I couldn't chase him. I just had to hope, heart pounding. But he did come back.
difficult child 3 would also climb into everything. We locked stuff away but he would find the key, climb to ceiling height if necessary to get it, often very risky. So we stopped locking things up that we knew he would want to get into. Stuff tat was genuinely dangerous, we removed from the premises. He would get out of the house and go wandering, so we had a front fence installed and used octopus straps to hold the gates shut. He knew how to unti them, but they were too strong for him. We installed a fence that was unclimbable.
Otherwise - my attitude has had to be, let him go. I sit and wait. Soon enough he has to come back to me. Because eventually, he will need his dinner. And then I have power over him, because he wants something from me and has to face what he has done before I give him what he wants.
Climbing over benches, stovetops etc - I bet you anything, she won't climb on a stove with a hot plate that is on. We often worry too much that our kids will be so aroused that they will hurt themselves, but we forget that kids seem to have almost superhuman skills of balance, danger management etc. Kids take huge risks. And kids do fall sometimes, but they generally bounce.
difficult child 3 has only fallen out of a tree once, and that was because there was another kid up there with him who pushed him suddenly (difficult child 3 reached out to hold his friend's hand, his friend was socially aware enough to think it 'gay' to hold another boy's hand, and pushed him away, three metres up).
easy child 2/difficult child 2 used to send her teachers into a panic over the way she would climb on things and walk along narrow rails, fence tops etc. Then someone at after school care introduced acircus skills program, and easy child 2/difficult child 2 immediately took to stilwalking like a duck to water. She now works professionally as a stiltwalker, despite having kinesthesia problems in every other way. She just happens to have a brilliant sense of balance, difficult child 3 has the same.
What I'm saying - if Eris runs, climbs, goes and hides - leave her. If she breaks something or disconnects something, then she has to wear the angerthis causes from the person whose stuff she's damaged. She has to make it good. The more you try to drag her out form under husband's desk, for example, the more she will in a panic grab at stuff to hold on. If you aren't chasing her as she goes under the desk, she will probably climb under more carefully. It hurts to put your knee on a plug or a cable, it's more comfortable to sit on the carpet.
Don't punish yourself and your body, to try to prevent her. She is alreayd probvably more agile tyhan you, stronger than you, more capable physically. Don't embarrass yourself and set yourself up for failure. It's better to not try, but remember YOU are the mum, you have power over her in so many little ways. She wants soemthing form you (washing done, dinne cooked, help with homework, reminding, driving her to friends - so many things). YOU HAVE CONTROL.
The more you chase and try to control her, the worse will be the tantrum. If you simp;ly stand back and wait, she is the one fighting shadows (the image of you chasing her that in reality is not ther)and will realise sooner how foolish she looks, climbing onto the kitchen bench with no reason for it at all.
A good punishment for that, by the way - get a cloth and make her clean her footprints off the area that is used for food preparation. Why should everyone else in the family risk eating her foot germs? But don't push that button unless you're sure you cna make it stick.
It takes courage to do this. Also, depending on how determined she can be, you may have to modify my suggestions. If she already is really extreme in the risks she takes even if you don't pursue, then you may have to either clear the decks (and tie cables in firmly and safely, in husband's desk) to make things safer for her when she next rampages. Jut as we installed a front fence so when difficult child 3 wandered, we knew he wouldn't be able to leave the property). Make her existing range safer, at least for a while until she learns the new way of management. But she has to stop this some time, it's going to look ridiculous when she's a lumbering 15 year old still wanting to climb over the kitchen bench or hide under Daddy's desk.
Another thing to use - send her to her room as you are doing, but make the room her refuge. It's not a punishment, but somewhere for her to take herself until she can regain some self-control. So if she comes home form school upset because a kid was mean to her, she can put herself in her room. If she argues with her and is upset by you, she can put herself in her room. Going to her room then becomes a coping skill, not ap unishment. We go somewhere quiet to regain our composure (like crying in the ladies loo when the boss yells at us at work). From what you say, I think you're already well on the way for this one with her.
Talk to her. Put strategies in place ahead of time. tell her you will no longer chase her, but if she does this there will be consequences because she needs you more than you need her. You love her, but you don't rely on her to feed you, to drive you places. It's the other way around. And it's now quid pro quo time. Words are now what will be used to resolve things, not physicality. If she's feeling angry and aggressive, she needs to find another outlet (I used a jogging trampoline for the kids, for years - "go do 40 jumps then come and talk to me about it.")
Since you joined us, I've been impressed by your posts and how you handle your daughter. I think you're a good mother. You're already donig a lot of really good things with her, but she IS a handful. Maybe trying this could help.
And remember - I speak from experience. I don't have a specific diagnosis for myself (after 25 years, that's ridiculous, I know) but it resembles MS as much as anything. I walk with crutches, I use a mobility scooter (the "little old lady" type). I've had to find different ways to cope with toddlers, because I've had this while my babies were being born and growing up. So far, I haven't lost one. Nor have we had any broken bones (other than easy child/2GFG2 breaking her wrist falling off her stils right before the audition for the Sydney 2000 Olympics Opening Ceremony).
Marg
