Culture of Mediocracy

[JJJ]

I find that if kids study together with friends who are somewhat ambitious about school it helps.

She has actually taken the initiative to think about some girls that are better students than she is and asked them to study together in the fall. It won't help for summer as one is in Europe and the other isn't taking a summer class, but that is the plan for fall.

 

[welcometowitsend]

I hear you on this!

easy child is such a hard-working child. Already looking at ways to pursue her career goals as she gets older. She wants to be a dance teacher and a photographer and is researching how to achieve these goals. Not academic but she has so many significant Learning Disability (LD)'s that I can't say I blame her. She has a plan and is willing to go after it.

difficult child is the opposite. Seems to be lazy in the extreme. Not sure if that's the ADD or something else but it's there. Smart as a whip, could pursue anything he chooses to... but does the minimum to get by. I believe that if he actually did any work he could get mid 90's - he gets low 70's.

easy child is internally motivated and difficult child needs to be externally motivated - I think this is the main difference between them. Is it possible to teach a child to be internally motivated? Or is it just something you're born with? Does it come from discovering a passion for something you love? We don't all find that, do we?

That said I find that I must externally motivate difficult child like you have done in order to get any work out of him that will get him a decent grade. Everything is left until the last minute and an all-nighter is usually pulled in order to spit out something that can be handed in. Ugh!

Interesting conversation.

 

[SuZir]

SuZir... Something you said caught me. You have set goals and reached them - how is this mediocre? You decided to mommy-track your career - I like that. YOUR goal, not society's. Which does NOT make you mediocre in my humble opinion.

Well it kind of does. And I don't see anything bad in that. We don't need to be extraordinary in any way to be happy and have a good life. In fact world would end up in chaos, if anyone would not be just mediocre and ordinary. I don't see that there is anything wrong in being your ordinary engineer, plumber, nurse, hairstylist, bus driver, paper pusher, teacher, chef, janitor, farmer, physician, carpenter or police officer. All kinds of work has meaning. Yes you should take pride of your work and do it reasonably well, but you don't have to strive to be the best. Of course you should support yourself if you are able bodied and minded (or find a one who wants to do that for you), but for me it is totally okay to decide that success is not your goal. I have several friends and neighbours who have decided that their free time is more important to them than higher standards of living. They have found jobs that support them, but are not stressful and don't need long hours are concentrate to other things in their lives. Job is just a job and pays the bills. I see nothing wrong with that. And at least here you can have reasonably nice standard of living with many manufacturing etc. jobs that don't require, and never have required, you to be a straight A student or even close to it or to be otherwise driven. You just need to do things 'good enough.'

In fact I'm little worried that also my country's culture is becoming 'Americanized' and our kids start to feel they are somehow special and extraordinary. That being ordinary is not enough. And unfortunately that idea has not brought the internal drive with it, but some kids seem to think that those extraordinary things should just be handed to them. It is really scary to watch our version of American Idol there kids seem to think they should just be given 'the stardom' on the merit that they feel extraordinary. Not yet that bad as the kids on American version, but bad enough. And totally against our core cultural values, that emphasize doing your own share and not thinking too much of yourself.

And I really feel that you can not install that internal passion, that may make some extraordinary in their thing, to someone, but you are born with it. And often that drive or passion doesn't make a happy life. People who i know and who have that kind of internal passion have had it from very young. Both my dad and my difficult child were not much more than toddlers, when their passion to certain thing already came up first time. For my dad it was, and is, art, for my difficult child it's his sport. It's not just what they do, it's who they are. It haven't made my dad happy or content guy and I have my doubts that my difficult child will never be that happy and content either. And it is taxing way of life. But it is who they were born to be.

In my quest for mediocrity I almost never applied myself the best of my ability. I have some talents I have left unharvested, because they would take too much out of my happiness in ordinary. The few bouts of drivenness I have had, have usually backfired (I think I have told here how i tried being a perfect mother and almost believed it myself and how miserable, small-minded a**hole that made of me.)

 

[AnnieO]

Perhaps, because we are coming from different cultures, we view success differently.

To me - success is being able to feed, clothe and house my family, transport them as necessary, and do some fun stuff, too - but not TOO much goofing. Success is learning my job well enough to be able to say when I don't know something. Having people who genuinely care about me, and who I genuinely care about.

And being able to curl up in bed at night with nothing weighing on my conscience.

I don't need to be rich, or famous, or the most beautiful, or the most talented. I don't need to compete at Master Chef - my family thinks I'm a good cook and that's enough. I have a nest egg in the bank that will last me about a month (not long enough, I know). I clean up pretty well, and I'm smart enough to know that I'm not the brightest bulb, but I'm far from the dimmest.

on the other hand, I don't consider myself mediocre. I am the BEST Stepto2 I can be. I still want to be a better Stepto2, and I'll keep working on that. I'm not giving up now because I am "good enough".

 

[SuZir]

Perhaps, because we are coming from different cultures, we view success differently.

To me - success is being able to feed, clothe and house my family, transport them as necessary, and do some fun stuff, too - but not TOO much goofing. Success is learning my job well enough to be able to say when I don't know something. Having people who genuinely care about me, and who I genuinely care about.

Yes, we define word mediocre different way. For me, all that is very ordinary and mediocre. I would say well over 80 % of people here are able to do that. How is that not ordinary and mediocre? Do mind, for me meritocracy is not a bad thing. I see all that to be very good goal in life. It would also be nice to be able to enjoy your work and think it is meaningful. But it usually doesn't mean, that you have to really push your abilities to their limits and beyond. Usually you don't need to give your absolute 100 % best to achieve that. Most of the time your 80 % is enough to give you that and even little bit more.

Yes, it is good to test your limits and push it at times in area of your interest. But really giving your 100 % for your work (or school) everyday? Not usually needed and would just cause most people to burn out.

EDIT with trying to clarify my meaning with example: I'm on my summer vacation right now. today I decided to mow our lawn. Our mower is one you need to push around. I was walking and pushing the mower with maybe giving it my 60 % of effort and and the same time enjoying the nice weather and watching my garden and everything was going fine and dandy. Then I heard a thunder coming and saw dark clouds. I wanted to get the lawn done before it would get wet, so I started to push the mower by running and giving my 100 % to get it done before rain. It took me 15 more minutes to finish and I succeeded. With my original efficiency it would had taken me 25 minutes to finish. After giving my 100 % I was sweaty, grass all over me and I hadn't enjoy the task as much as normally. Because of the short time it was totally possible to run with the mower and give that 100 % effort, but if my job would be to mow lawns 8 hours a day? I would stand to do it with my 100 % maybe half a day, two days at tops. With giving 80 % effort, I could do it a long time without getting too stressed over it.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

This is such an interesting thread! I believe that as parents, it's our job to guide our children in the direction they ultimately want their lives to take. I believe we have to be flexible in the approach taken getting our cues from the personalities of our children. In other words, what works for one child, doesn't necessarily work for another child even in the same family.

From the time difficult child 1 got his very first computer (age 7), he has been passionate, to the point of being obsessed, with learning everything he possibly can about them. He has a genius level IQ but only put out his best effort in his computer science classes. In all other classes, as long as he passed, he was content. Honestly, even if he didn't pass, he was content. husband and I were frustrated, sad, angry, disappointed, that no matter what consequences we gave him for not putting forth his best effort, it didn't matter. Then one day, the wisest therapist he ever had, told us that we should encourage difficult child 1's love of computers and not be overly concerned about his lack of effort in everything else.

From that conversation forward we changed our approach. Although we insisted he pass every class, that he had to graduate from high school, we stopped giving him consequences for his lack of effort in school. We allowed him to take college level computer classes even though he was barely scraping by with D's in other subjects. difficult child 1 flourished. He not only excelled in all of his computer classes, but also he went above and beyond what he learned in them, having us buy him more advanced books on the subject. He read them from cover to cover, teaching himself far more then he learned in his classes.

To make a long story short, he didn't graduate with high enough grades to get into a four year college. However, with lots of encouragement from us, he attended a junior college and got an associates degree in web design, programming. He started his own company with a friend and although it didn't really take off, it was a stepping stone to the job he has now - His dream job.

He is working for a wonderful company, is the youngest employee there, the only one without at least a four year college degree, and is doing an amazing job. He absolutely loves going to work and his happiness shines through in everything else he does. I'm grateful every single day for the advice his therapist gave us.

on the other hand, difficult child 2 has an average IQ, has many deficits as far as executive functioning, and absolutely no social skills. Our job as we saw it, was to make sure he would be as independent as possible as an adult. While he has an amazing memory for facts, he has great difficulty in applying those facts to real life situations. Throughout high school, he had a straight A average. His teachers gave him A's even when the work he passed in wasn't even legible and it was impossible to know if he understood the assignments. The bottom line was that the quality of his education didn't matter, the school budget did.

While they kept telling us how smart he was and he should go to a four year college, we kept pushing ADL's. We got him an apartment the second semester of his senior year of high school. We had his life coach work with him at his own place. Gradually we had him spend more and more nights sleeping in his apartment until he felt comfortable being there. difficult child 2 has been living on his own with supports for over a year now. He is happy and enjoys a simple lifestyle with lots of routine. We're thrilled with his progress.

His love of learning made it possible for him to go to a junior college and he'll be transferring to a four year college in the fall. While we believe he'll eventually graduate and that with the help of his life coach, he'll find employment, he'll probably always prefer a simple lifestyle with a great deal of routine, as free of stress as possible, and not strive to acheive to be the best at whatever he decides or is able to do. husband and I consider him every bit as successful in life as his older brother, difficult child 1.

Success, as far as I'm concerned, is being a happy, successful, contributing member of society, whatever that means for each and every individual. I also believe that a component of success as StepTo2 put it, "is being able to curl up in bed at night, with nothing weighing on my conscience."

Great thread, I could go on and on and on about this topic. Thanks so much for starting this conversation JJJ! SFR

 

[AnnieO]

How is that not ordinary and mediocre?

It may be ordinary - but it's not mediocre. To me, mediocre is giving just enough effort to scrape by. For some people, that is all the effort they can give - which means for them, it's not mediocre. If you are capable of great things without burning yourself out, why wouldn't you at least try?

But really giving your 100 % for your work (or school) everyday? Not usually needed and would just cause most people to burn out.

I differ in my opinion. I give 100% every day. Perhaps 60% to work, 20% to my home and other things that must be done, and 20% to my family (which includes myself). Off days? 40% to home and 60% to family. I never give less than 100% total every day. But that doesn't mean I give everything 100%. There's only 100% of me. I can't give more than I am.

Success, as far as I'm concerned, is being a happy, successful, contributing member of society, whatever that means for each and every individual.

Happy. Contented. That's not mediocre. Everyone's success is different.

 

[SuZir]

It may be ordinary - but it's not mediocre. To me, mediocre is giving just enough effort to scrape by. For some people, that is all the effort they can give - which means for them, it's not mediocre. If you are capable of great things without burning yourself out, why wouldn't you at least try?

Maybe this is language issue? To my native language (and language has very much to do in how we think) mediocre translate to same as average. Middle of the pack, good enough, not great, not bad. And for me, middle is a great place to be

I differ in my opinion. I give 100% every day. Perhaps 60% to work, 20% to my home and other things that must be done, and 20% to my family (which includes myself). Off days? 40% to home and 60% to family. I never give less than 100% total every day. But that doesn't mean I give everything 100%. There's only 100% of me. I can't give more than I am.

I meant giving your 100 % effort for something at that moment. 100 % for work, when you are at work, 100 % for your home life when you are at home and maybe 100 % for yourself, when you do that. For me that sounds just too exhausting. At work I usually give enough effort to get my tasks done in time and with good enough (B+ or A- maybe?) level but I also may spend time just talking with my co-workers at time and not being efficient at all. Or I doodle or check my Fb or something. If I would give it my all, I could do my tasks in shorter time and even little better. At home I may well just sit reading newspaper and scratching a dog with my toe and tell my husband to find his own socks by himself and easy child to go and entertain himself instead of telling me he is bored and expecting me to solve that for him instead of giving my 100 % effort for house work, being a nice spouse, supportive and committed mother or even active dog owner. And even with my me-time I'm certainly not only spending it taking enlightening yoga lessons to best recharge myself to challenges of my work and family

And if my easy child can do homework half an hour a day and make those good enough marks around 90, that he is making, I don't really see a reason why he should really apply himself, do for example 3 hours a day homework to get grades up to 95-97. I can easily see, that he doesn't feel it is worth it to go up from top 5 % to top 1 %, when you would have to work so much more. Whatever his goals will end up to be academically, that 90 is going to be good enough. And for most things 80 would be enough.

My point of view has a lot to do with living with people, who really have that internal drive. Who have a passion to give their 100 % to something. And seeing how much that kind of passion takes from the person. As I said, I have learned to admire it, but I also know it is not for me and I'm happy that my easy child isn't as high-strung as his brother. being more laid back may mean that easy child achieves less traditional success, but I also believe it will make easy child much happier person.

 

[Malika]

Yes, I think it's partly a language issue. Technically (according to my Oxford Dictionary), the first meaning of "mediocre" is simply "of middling quality" but it has come to native English speakers to be overwhelmingly pejorative, synonymous with "poor" or "rubbish".
Lol, SuZir, I see you are not in the running for Domestic Goddess of the Year... And neither, of course, am I. Long time back I decided that what was important to me was quality of life over money, success and ambition - hence I do work I enjoy and am good at but have never had a career or much money to speak of. These things are subtle, though. I had always had this view of myself that I was anti-ambition, not concerned with status, etc, and was very surprised when a professional counsellor I saw last year for a few months said to me that, looking at my CV, I was clearly someone who had always been concerned with success. And perhaps it is true... I worked for a very prestigious organisation in the UK for a long time, I have published translations by some interesting and famous authors, I got the highest class of degree at university. I feel caught between middle class values of status and success, and spiritual values to do with quality of life, presence and giving oneself to what one does without looking at the end point or result. I had always thought I despised and turned my back on the middle class, status-driven background I came from and in fact... not so!
There may be more to all this than meets the eye. Usually is. And I should add that... despite my own conflicted attitude to this, I think the spiritual values of being rather than doing, the inherent value of the moment rather than the conceptual "end point" of ambition, status or success as judged from the world's point of view, are the ones that really give us life and heart and meaning. The status and achievement stuff feeds the ego but not the soul, Know what I mean??

 

[DammitJanet]

I am more with Cubsgirl. I so look back on my HS years with regret. I could have sailed through them with top honors and had full rides to many of the Ivy Leagues. I blew it and spent most of my time in with Steven Tyler. LOL. You know, Sex, Drugs and Rock n Roll.

I had to do college on my own and I really appreciated what it took. Nothing other than perfect was good enough for me. I watch Mandy study and I just shake my head. She barely passes. Heck Cory does half her homework for her.

Cory blew a full ride scholarship but I think they really offered it in a stupid way. There was a famous man who came from this area and he came in to Cory's Kindergarten class and offered all of those kids a full ride scholarship to any state university in NC if they graduated on time. Now really, what 5 year old understands what that means? I didnt even remember it during the bad years. It wasnt until he was out of school a few years that I remembered it and wondered how many of those kids actually used it.

 

[tiredmommy]

This is a lesson we started pushing with Duckie last year because she seemed to feel very entitled. That didn't work for me. I look at it as issues of self discipline, determination and self respect. I also throw a healthy dose of guilt in there, in that Duckie is fortunate enough to be growing up in a good school district where she is afforded a free and appropriate public education by the people of this community. To give it less than her best is a disservice to herself and our community. A little high-handed, I know, but I can't risk her falling into bad habits when she's already a difficult child, from which she may not be able to recover.

 

[trinityroyal]

This has been such an interesting discussion. So many different perspectives on ambition and success, and I can see everyone's point to a certain degree.

I think the key with getting our children motivated is, unless it matters to them, then it doesn't matter. I was such an indifferent student, a complete dilettante. I scored at the top of (or off) the charts on all the aptitude tests (IQ, SAT, Canadian Basic Skills, what-have-you), but didn't "apply myself" and therefore didn't get the marks in school that people expected of me. I got A+'s in phys ed, music and calculus because I found them interesting. For everything else, I just didn't give a toss. I worked just hard enough in high school to get the minimum mark I needed to get into the university I wanted to attend. And in university, I worked just (barely) hard enough to maintain a place in my program. Because none of it mattered to me.

The reason? I just didn't care. None of it mattered to me, and no matter how many people (parents, teachers, guidance counsellors, blah blah blah) told me that I had to do well now so as not to doom my future, it just didn't matter. I put in only as much effort as I needed to tread water, because changing schools would have been more work than staying put. I didn't have a career ambition to strive for. I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had lots of pat answers such as "I want to get a PhD in English Literature" or "I want to be a doctor, or perhaps a lawyer", but it was all a variant of "I dunno".

When I got out into the world and started to work, I found a line of work that really interested me and that I was good at. All of a sudden it DID matter to me. I busted my behind working hard, taking training courses, finding mentors, soaking up all the knowledge I could. I became very good at that job, and then the next one I was promoted into, and the next one after that, and so on. I discovered that I wasn't lazy or unambitious at all (as I'd been led to believe by all that talk of "being so smart but not applying yourself"). I just didn't have a reason to care until then. And boy did I care, and boy did it show.

People who know me now but didn't know me in school assume that I was always a diligent straight-A student. If they only knew!

I guess in my rambling way, I'm trying to say that until we find something that makes it matter to our difficult children it's really hard to motivate them to put in the effort. Much more so than with PCs. I'm still trying to figure out what they key is with my difficult child. He's scary-smart, but none of his talents are marketable, and he doesn't have a burning desire to do anything other than sit home and be taken care of, which won't make a good living for him.