"Dad, I'm so proud of myself"

[Kathy813]

husband called my difficult child a little while ago to say goodnight and to tell her that he was leaving on a business trip in the morning.

She said, "Dad, I'm so proud of myself. I worked on a study guide for my class from 1 to 6 today."

Be still my heart! She seems so focused on doing well this time around. The last time she was over here I heard her tell a friend on the phone that even some "idiots" from her high school class had graduated from college. I think that it is sinking in that others have made something of themselves and she was just spinning her wheels.

I'm still trying to keep myself from getting too excited and am taking a hands off approach. I almost called her after a math test that I knew she had last week to see how she did but decided not to call. I pushed her to make good grades in high school and although she did, she always complained that I cared too much about grades.

So I don't want her to feel like I am pushing now. This has to be hers to do.

But I also want to encourage her so I feel like I am walking a fine line here.

What do y'all think? Should I keep my hands off approach and just let her share when she wants to or should I call and ask how the test was when I know she has taken a test? She did call after the test to ask me something else and mentioned that she had gotten one of the highest grades on the test.

~Kathy

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

First thing that popped into my mind: Send a card.

She can read it at her leisure. She can keep it, if she likes. She does not have to respond if she does not feel compelled to do so.

Make it something like this - I just wanted you to know that I am very proud of your effort; keep up the good work.

This way, it opens the door for her to call you with good news, but even if this is something she wants to do on her own, she can at least feel like she has mom's support.

Kudos to difficult child!

 

[DazedandConfused]

If hands off is working at this point, I would keep with it. :future:

I'm so glad you difficult child is really pulling it together. :bravo:

 

[Suz]

I agree with Dazed. Hands off seems to be working, helping your relationship, and she made it clear in the past that she didn't want your involvement. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Suz :princess:

 

[goldenguru]

Occasionally my son will call from college to ask for prayer while he has an exam. I will usually follow up with a phone call or email to see how it went. Other than that I would NEVER call to check on grades. He's an adult now ... he answers to himself for grades.

 

[Kathy813]

I know that you all are right. I just needed a little reassurance that I was on the right track.

The only reason that I even thought about calling about the test was that she had mentioned it to me before she took it. She still does seem to bask in praise about her "adult" behavior so I'm still unsure where the line is. husband calls and talks to both easy child and difficult child much more than I do so I started thinking I wasn't involved enough. It's funny because it is a reversal of the roles we took when they were growing up.

Thanks for being my sounding board. :grin:

~Kathy

 

[KFld]

I agree with the card sending and the fact that if the hands off is working, then keep it up.

 

[busywend]

My first thought was a card, too.

You could wait a bit and see if she is still doing well then send a 'proud of you' card. Not necessarily about grades, but just being a good person.

 

[rejectedmom]

I vot for your hands off approach. Let her have control over what she shares and do not pry but know that you might not be getting the whole or the real story from her. _RM

 

[Scent of Cedar I]

I think it is always a good idea to tell the kids we are proud of them, and happy for them, whenever we have that opportunity.

:smile:

Lord knows there are enough times when we can't think of one positive thing!

The idea of a card is very nice, and there are some beautiful cards out there.

I'm glad she is doing well, Kathy.

Barbara

:smile:

 

[SunnyFlorida]

I like the card idea too. I also like the hands off policy too.

That's just fantastic that she's doing so well.

 

[Fran]

Ask her what she would prefer.
Tell her what you said here. You want her success to be hers and not because you rode her to do well. You also want her to know that you are gratified to see her working hard because she has ability.

If she would prefer a less enthusiastic support then follow her suggestions. Give her some input.

 

[Kathy813]

Thanks for all of the replies.

Tonight was a good example how things have changed. difficult child called from her job (I guess she was between deliveries) and asked for help on how to use her graphing calculator to graph a histogram.

I tried to talk her through the steps but something was going wrong and it wouldn't graph the histogram. I told her that I would have to see the calculator to figure out what she was doing wrong. She said that she would try to figure it out herself and if she couldn't, she would come over after work.

In the past, I would have worried all night about whether she was going to get the problem figured out. I even thought about looking online to try to find the TI-83 instruction book to see if I could figure out what she was doing wrong.

Then I stopped myself and realized that I had my own paper to work on. I told myself to let her handle this.

She called me a little while later to tell me that she had figured it out herself. I could hear the pride in her voice. She also said that she had gotten a 100 on a quiz that she had this week (I didn't ask ~ honest!).

It's funny ~ education is the only thing I really obsess about when it comes to difficult child or easy child. I guess it's the teacher in me.

I am thrilled at how hard she is working on her classes. :grin: Please let it continue. . .

~Kathy

 

[Scent of Cedar I]

:smile:

Education matters very much. It is the one thing no one can take away from us.

I feel the same way.

Barbara

 

[goldenguru]

By allowing her to figure this out on her own ... you gave her the very best of educations. She LEARNED how to rely on herself. They can't teach those kinds of things in classrooms.

Way to go Kathy!!

 

[DDD]

I'm thrilled that things have improved so much, Kathy. I know
it's too early to really relax but it sure is great to be able
to detach more easily. She may end up being the star that she
was expected to be! Hugs. DDD