daughter-12 raging, destructive behavior ... help!

[myfirstandlast]

He was fine this morning, getting ready for school. No issues since we had our talk. He did a lot of chores to make up for the extra time he was on computer and video games, without complaint.

I have to learn how to head these things off better. Time to reread Explosive Child and get hubby on board. His daughter has a lot of the same issues that the book would help with. But she is doing really well with us.

 

[BusynMember]

I respectfully disagree with "at twelve your son is old enough..." A spectrum kid, at twelve, is at best seven or eight. On top of that, spectrum kids and adults are different, plain and simple, and may forever need transitional warnings. My son still does at fourteen. This is a lifelong difference and you can't really make it go away. What we do is say, "You have a half an hour on the Wii. After that, you can save it. Then you have to get off." And we do remind him of the time. Being a spectrum kid, he is very concrete and will look at the clock. "I have seven minutes to go." The "saving" part may take an extra ten minutes, but I don't feel it's defiance for them to want to save it. Sometimes "My way or the highway" doesn't work 100% and you have to go to 80%. This child is not the same as a bipolar child or a kid diagnosed with ODD. He has a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). I let my son take time to save his game because otherwise he loses what he's worked towards and I don't consider him "running the roost." He doesn't. In fact, he has turned into my easiest child, even though we have to parent him in ways appropriate to Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)/autism. I don't believe he is trying to rule the house, although, if he's high functioning, maybe he is, but I see this more of a spectrum problem. Anyone who tries to fight the "Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)" out of a spectrum kid is going to lose and have a chaotic house with raging and possible violence. You are talking about differently wired kids who will be differently wired adults. Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) means pervasive developmental disorder (global delay)--many of these kids don't get mature until thirty, if ever.

 

[myfirstandlast]

Thanks for the link, I'll check that out. Of my three, he's the only one I'm really comfortable with leaving home alone more than an hour or two. He's very matter-of-fact. If I say, do these three things before you get on the computer, he'll do them. He won't play with the stove (very against anything with a "risk" factor) and won't prank call or snoop through my bedroom.

The girls, on the other hand ...

 

[BusynMember]

Hon, that is sooooooooo typical. Spectrum kids are rule followers and get agitated when somebody breaks a rule. Lucas is just like your son. I know that if I give him a list of rules, he'll follow them moreso than my "typical" daughter. He won't touch the stove either or let in a stranger or answer the phone if I tell him not to. But he'll have a fit if I try to interrupt him too quickly from something he feels obsessed to finish. That's why we ease it down, even on the easy stuff. We don't let him "get away" with stuff, but we don't abruptly cut him off unless it's an emergency. I have learned I have to parent all my kids differently. He is the fourth of five and is a very different experience than my other kids. In fact, they are ALL very different so I do what works best for them and for the family. Not all kids who seem defiant are being that way to take control. In the case of a child on the spectrum, in my opinion it's more anxiety related, rule related, transition related, etc. That doesn't mean they don't mouth off and should be allowed to do it. They shouldn't. Just saying that the motive isn't usually to control mom and dad--it's more because they are extremely frustrated because they think something is very important that "typical" people don't care about (such as making sure everything is in ONE certain place). And punishing them over it won't change who they are. I suggest reading Tony Attwood books. They are fantastic