Daughter Crashes Vehicle for 2nd Time...

[ChickPea]

I'm just so tired. Weary.

My daughter got a job at a grocery store. Was able to pull off a week of work, and then started to crumble. She admitted to drinking and doing coke. Then she skipped work because of "back pain" - and then I face timed out of the blue so she could talk to her son, and she was drunk in the middle of the day with her friend.

A few hours later we get a call from the ER. She said she ran off the road and tried to kill herself.
She had no injuries, but they had to keep her in detox.

She was driving drunk, she ran off the road, she does not own the car, she does not have a license.

She received NO citations, and was free to go after her BAC was 0.

My husband took her to get her items out of her van, and then drove her to the place she's been staying at. No thank you, nothing. Just an "it's all your fault" and a slam of the car door.

I'm terribly worried about her, and I'm terribly weary of the same old stuff. It's a broken record, and she doesn't seem to have he muscle to get her stuff together.

To top it off, my college son got a possession ticket a month ago he never mentioned.

I feel like a crappy parent, and I'm scared for my daughter, but also so very tired of her. I feel like my life is at a stand still and I'm just wading through it day by day.

Today's just a day I'm mourning I guess. I don't know what I am, actually.

 

[MissLulu]

Oh Chick Pea, I’m so sorry this happened and I understand that deep down weariness that you are feeling. You are NOT a crappy parent. You are the mother of a difficult child. I don’t know what to tell you, other than you deserve better and you are not alone.

 

[ChickPea]

Thank you.
Now I have one of my adult sons emailing me about car crashes and dead people. He worries.

 

[Blindsided]

ChickPea, I am so sorry. In times like these I know I feel torn emotionally. Then I ask myself those 3 C's from Put of the Fog,

1. Can I cure it?
2. Did I cause it?
3. Can I change it?

Maybe not in that exact order, but so helpful to get my bearings straight that I have committed it to memory, which for me says a lot.

I have learned to let go.

We can only change our journey. Like I said in another post, I am very grateful that this group has helped me see dwelling on what ifs, making emotional rather than logical decisions and accepting responsibility for something I have no control over is unhealthy and wont change the outcome.

Love and light

 

[ChickPea]

1. Can I cure it?
2. Did I cause it?
3. Can I change it?

My daughter blames us for everything. I really don't think it's true; my brain knows that.
We've done so much for years to help her. But we're so exhausted from that.

ETA... She's upset because we don't seem upset (we are, but are to the point of numbing out as a form of self-protection, I think) by her suicide attempt, yet she is out grilling, dressed up, enjoying the spring-like weather with friends. We're sitting home on quarantine.

 

[RN0441]

I'm so sorry you have to endure this.

One does become numb to protect themselves. How can you experience the same things over and over again.

They are hurting and want us to hurt too. We do hurt because we know they are not happy. They are not living a good life. They are choosing not to live a good life.

Anyone can get better and do better. It happens every day. I hope and pray that she does see this soon for herself and for her son.

I do remember what it was like when our son was trying to destroy himself. It is truly heartbreaking. It does take over your whole life and your mind. I get that.

All we can do is get therapy and learn how to deal with it from afar so we can have some happiness in our own lives, which we deserve.

There is no magical answer to this.

Prayers for a better tomorrow for your family.

 

[JayPee]

CP,

I hope things have calmed down internally for you since you posted this. I'm so sorry for all you're going through. It's so difficult when they're going off the deep end. But it's important for you to stay strong. You can do this but you will need to re-fuel your inner strength. How I do this sometimes is really with just self-care. Detach immediately, even if it's for a a hour or two and pull away from the crisis at hand. I know for myself I don't think clearly when crisis happens and they say it's not good to make decisions based on "emotions" but rather make them based on what you "know".

Do something to nurture yourself and don't get caught up in the repetitive loop thoughts that keep you hurting and miserable thinking a million different things should have been done differently. Remember even on a good day, they will blame us for things that happen. I believe it's just their way of deflecting the pain inside of themselves. It's like a hot potato and they need to get rid of the responsibility of their errors and so they throw it at us.

Keep strong, get rest and take care of yourself.

 

[ChickPea]

They are hurting and want us to hurt too. We do hurt because we know they are not happy. They are not living a good life. They are choosing not to live a good life.

I do remember what it was like when our son was trying to destroy himself. It is truly heartbreaking. It does take over your whole life and your mind. I get that.

I believe it's just their way of deflecting the pain inside of themselves. It's like a hot potato and they need to get rid of the responsibility of their errors and so they throw it at us.

Yes, you guys nailed it.

I'm still in a funk, trying to pull myself out. Trying to re-focus on doing things for me, taking care of me. It's difficult.

I can take care of a toddler full-time, that's all fine. But dealing with her is putting me over the edge.

Today she called to yell at me when she was supposedly at work so she could yell at me and tell me she was working so hard and we are taking her kid from her and we are such jerks. My husband called her work and they said she wasn't even there. That she's been no-call no show constantly. Nothing new.

I can't deal with the mind games. The lies, the scare of getting calls where she's in the ER and doesn't even know what happened. The waiting to hear if she hit someone or was going to jail. My stomach has been in knots since Friday. I hate it.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi ChickPea

I am so sorry for all of this. Let me tell you what is running through my mind. Everybody else pretty much summed up the basics.

She said she ran off the road and tried to kill herself.

I think you're at a choice point here.

She has been pushing for more unrestricted access to the house and to the baby. And yet this? How is this in any way compatible with greater proximity to him? It's not.

I can't deal with the mind games. The lies, the scare of getting calls where she's in the ER and doesn't even know what happened. The waiting to hear if she hit someone or was going to jail.

Then there's how she is affecting you. How destabilizing she is. How she is unaware, and ups the ante, blames you for everything. She not only creates chaos and confusion everywhere she goes. She blames you for having caused it. If this isn't gaslighting I don't know what is. It's like Dante's inferno, with so many levels of Hell. Except with her, you have to experience all of the levels at once.

I guess what I am suggesting you see is that this is all too much. It's not only that it feels too much. It feels too much because it is too much. You're her mother. Of course you would react when she's in drunken, suicidal car crashes. Of course there would be fear and helplessness, and even hopelessness. She not only exposes you to her never ending craziness, she blames you for it. And she punishes you with it.

I see this as the universe asking you to make a decision about boundaries. How much more of this can you take? What next will she expose you to? And when you're beaten down, how can the baby not sense it? Let alone the whole family.

I don't know Chickpea. I think it feels too much because it is. I'm sorry, ChickPea.

 

[ChickPea]

Thank you, Copa. Will all you have going on, I very much appreciate your words.

It's like Dante's inferno, with so many levels of Hell. Except with her, you have to experience all of the levels at once.

This made me laugh!!! I'm so glad I can at least laugh about things sometimes.

I see this as the universe asking you to make a decision about boundaries. How much more of this can you take? What next will she expose you to? And when you're beaten down, how can the baby not sense it? Let alone the whole family.

I really feel at a different level of "low" than I have in a while. I've been here before and I know time heals it a bit. Things are wonky with Covid and everything, so I don't really know how much I can really DO, but my heart is starting to lead me towards pushing for something through court. It's terribly frightening to me, but I've felt that more and more lately as a means to take some of the pressure off my back when it comes to her. I don't know what else to do, honestly, or it's keep going the same way and she will continue to push, push and manipulate.

 

[JayPee]

CP,

We do ourselves a dis-service when we allow others to make us feel through manipulation or otherwise, that our boundaries are not valuable. By doing so we're telling ourselves, we are not valuable.

It's years of this behavior that has made you feel small, unimportant and afraid. At least that's what I feel for myself. We are also "sick" as they say in Al anon and we have behaviors and patterns of doing and thinking certain ways that have become like a knee-jerk reaction for us because it's what we've done to survive. Until we can detach from the situation a bit and realize there's actually other options and one is to try not to wallow in our adult childrens sadness and misery which at time seems never changing, never ending and suffocating.

It all takes a "U-turn" back to us in the end to be the change in the situation. For myself, I kept waiting, waiting, assisting, enabling, begging, pleading, manipulating etc., my sons thinking this one more thing I will do for them will either save them if they were in crisis or put them on the right path and I would be the one who saved the day again.

You don't have to save the day. Turn your daughter over to God and pray not only for her but maybe just maybe more importantly for yourself. I often forgot and still do until I'm reminded..."I'm no more important than my dependent, ill adult sons BUT I am no less than them either."

Sending hugs and hopes that you will try taking some steps forward and see how they feel. I can see even in your last post you are thinking this way which is a good sign.

 

[Beta]

Just wanted to throw my "I'm sorry" into the ring as well. I understand your sense of weariness and feelings of being a bad mother. No matter what we say or do with our Difficult Child, it will always be the wrong thing, too much, not enough, and on and on. You are not a crappy parent. Crappy parents wouldn't even bother to find a website such as this, to begin with. Caring parents are the ones who experience the hurt, disappointment, self-doubt, anger, grief. The crappy ones wouldn't give it a second thought. I hope you have found that inner equilibrium and sense of peace that went missing when you're daughter did what she did and then blamed you (They always blame us for everything, don't they? Nothing is ever their fault).

 

[ChickPea]

Turn your daughter over to God and pray not only for her but maybe just maybe more importantly for yourself. I often forgot and still do until I'm reminded..."I'm no more important than my dependent, ill adult sons BUT I am no less than them either."

Thanks JayPee.
I went for a walk after she blasted me on Facebook (then blocked me).

My son called to say she was standing outside our house demanding to see her son. I knew she had called the cops.

This, all in the middle of me sitting by the pond while the baby snoozed and I was in prayer.
So frustrating.

The officer was about unknowledgeable of probate situations as many officers are, so there was a lot of hemming and hawing. Finally he was satisfied and left, but did not make her leave our property as asked. He told us we needed to go to court. Maybe that is a sign. She said she would, and would get custody, and we would NEVER see him again.

She called me horrible names.

I don't know how to feel. I'm going to try to release it, though.

 

[JayPee]

Oh CP...just awful. I remember the days of police at my door at any given time and the naming calling. That's something I never got used to an it would send me into knots for hours if not days.

How would your daughter be able to get custody? Is she employed for any length of time regularly? Does she have permanent housing etc? I'm thinking maybe it is time to go to Court too. Get things in writing so that you are not walking on egg shells where that's concerned.

I hope you can release and unwind and find your inner peace amongst the turmoil.

 

[Copabanana]

she was standing outside our house demanding to see her son. I knew she had called the cops.

He told us we needed to go to court.

She said she would get custody, and we would NEVER see him again.

This is horrible. I agree with you and others that this needs to come to a head. She can't keep torturing you, as you're holding the entire world in your hands. It's wrong. I'm going to look to find a depiction of that goddess whose name I can't remember who holds the world in her hands. But she wasn't tortured as she did so.

If she wants custody and she is deemed legally capable, let that be decided by the courts. I don't think a suicidal, drunken car wreck is compatible with holding complete control and responsibility. Do you really see her as capable and willing to hold this child's world in her arms? I don't.

I am so sorry Chickpea. She is forcing the issue. You have held back as long as was humanly possible. No other human being could take more.

 

[Blindsided]

My daughter blames us for everything. I really don't think it's true; my brain knows that.
We've done so much for years to help her. But we're so exhausted from that.

ETA... She's upset because we don't seem upset (we are, but are to the point of numbing out as a form of self-protection, I think) by her suicide attempt, yet she is out grilling, dressed up, enjoying the spring-like weather with friends. We're sitting home on quarantine.

All the more reason to start putting yourself first. We can't help our Difficult Child when they refuse to help themselves. My grandad used to say...

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make 'em drink."

I just said in another post, it doesn't matter what I say to my Difficult Child, it will never be good enough, I will always be at fault. I have learned I can only be responsible for me, and it's up to me how my journey goes. I have endured more than I ever thought I could, but I also have many blessings. I feel better when I am grateful for the things that are going right. I so wish my Difficult Child could get to that point and I am sure you wish the same. It is horrible when they threaten suicide, my Difficult Child had it all planned out. The pain became more than I could bear and I realized I had to let go. The what if's will destroy anyone.

I am thinking of you. In healing

 

[JMom]

I'm just so tired. Weary.

My daughter got a job at a grocery store. Was able to pull off a week of work, and then started to crumble. She admitted to drinking and doing coke. Then she skipped work because of "back pain" - and then I face timed out of the blue so she could talk to her son, and she was drunk in the middle of the day with her friend.

A few hours later we get a call from the ER. She said she ran off the road and tried to kill herself.
She had no injuries, but they had to keep her in detox.

She was driving drunk, she ran off the road, she does not own the car, she does not have a license.

She received NO citations, and was free to go after her BAC was 0.

My husband took her to get her items out of her van, and then drove her to the place she's been staying at. No thank you, nothing. Just an "it's all your fault" and a slam of the car door.

I'm terribly worried about her, and I'm terribly weary of the same old stuff. It's a broken record, and she doesn't seem to have he muscle to get her stuff together.

To top it off, my college son got a possession ticket a month ago he never mentioned.

I feel like a crappy parent, and I'm scared for my daughter, but also so very tired of her. I feel like my life is at a stand still and I'm just wading through it day by day.

Today's just a day I'm mourning I guess. I don't know what I am, actually.

Ho ChickPea,

I'm thankful that you are here. I think court is a wonderful idea. I would say if you are struggling with the decision, turn your focus onto the child, who doesn't have a voice. Be that voice, your daughter is grown and capable of recovery if that is what she chooses. Even if you get custody, she can get sober, work and provide a place to live, food on the table and a stable life for her child, then fight for her son. This might be the turning point for her as well. Her son is young and you have the opportunity to provide the life he deserves rather than a lifetime of her poor parenting, leading to disappointment for him. These are just my opinions, I hope I am not over stepping.

I know you are mourning the life you want for her and for your son's actions, which is scary after all that you have endured. Hopefully, they will both be left to their own consequences, as not to delay the inevitable. They NEED consequences to learn from their mistakes. If you take on those consequences, it leaves them without the tools to fend for themselves-when you are no longer willing or able.

I will pray for your grandson to have a peaceful life, your daughter's recovery and your son's bonehead decision. I will also pray for you and hubby to take care of yourselves. I'm sorry that you are tired. Take it easy on yourself. You are certainly not a bad parent and I want you to stop telling yourself that. God has given us all free will and we have the ability to fix something that is 100% preventable. She can prevent this, she's just not there yet. This is a disease but a choice. She doesn't have to use ChickPea, she chooses this.

Thank you for providing for your grandson, he will certainly have a better chance with you than an addicted mother. Peace and love, and again, I apologize if I have overstepped.

JMOM

 

[JMom]

That was supposed to be *hi...not ho. YIKES

 

[ChickPea]

We do ourselves a dis-service when we allow others to make us feel through manipulation or otherwise, that our boundaries are not valuable. By doing so we're telling ourselves, we are not valuable.

Good reminder. It is true.

How would your daughter be able to get custody? Is she employed for any length of time regularly? Does she have permanent housing etc? I'm thinking maybe it is time to go to Court too. Get things in writing so that you are not walking on egg shells where that's concerned.

I don't believe so. No job, no real home (she admitted sexual favors for her current living situation --almost a year now since her eviction-- and has applied for low-income housing).

I consulted a lawyer (one we have worked with) and he was going to look into it some more for us. I'm not sold on this lawyer, though, which is a bummer.

Do you really see her as capable and willing to hold this child's world in her arms?

Not today.

The what if's will destroy anyone.

OMG YES.

They NEED consequences to learn from their mistakes.

This is true. Changing my own ways of thinking and doing is hard. I'm trying to work on it. One step forward, two back.

UPDATE: She went to the hospital a couple days ago, checked herself in. I'm trying not to put too much weight on it, but am glad she is there (and I don't have to worry about her coming here). I can't say if her motives are all genuine or not. I guess we will see when she gets out. It's difficult not to be somewhat cynical.

Thank you all SO much for your encouragement and feedback. It really is helpful to not feel so alone.

 

[Blindsided]

. I can't say if her motives are all genuine or not.

There never is a way to know, so until you learn otherwise.
I hope you find some peace knowing she checked herself in. It won't change the outcome but you will feel better.

It's difficult not to be somewhat cynical

I think anyone in our position would be cynical. That's normal. It is evidentiary.

In healing