Daughter in hospital

[Weary Mother]

Well, my daughter, who was homeless last June, is coming for a visit. It is only a 4 day "visit", but will be interesting. She has gone through a lot in 6 mo., hopefully growth wise as well as realizing the pain of what her life is. She was hospitalized a bit before Christmas due to mental issues, has since lost her job and her only vehicle is not working and is too old to to put money into at this point. Her other adult daughter is living with her, working and paying the bills for the time being. So, my adult daughter will be here in February for 4 days, after the awful scene between her and her oldest daughter here. She called me today to ask if she could stay with me those days. I told her I would be ok with that with the stipulation that there is to be no drama and none of her old "friends" come to my home. The old "friends" are an ex boyfriend, ex fg who used her and was her partner in crime for years meaning that they milked the system, drank together, and did other things that I am glad I don't know. They came to blows and the friendship ended last summer during the big drama that caused my daughter to leave town. So, after saying all that, I am understandably nervous but will be ok as long as her friends stay away. Funny how much I worry and feel sad that we don't have a relationship, but now that she is going to actually visit, I am nervous. She did say that she wanted to see me and her grandmother and her grandkids, which I am glad to hear. She needs to mend relations with her family and move on and be happy. I hope the visit goes well for all of us as I need to heal too and be able to quit worrying about her.

 

[Tanya M]

I will be holding good thoughts for you that the visit will go well and no drama!!

I understand you being nervous. I thinks it's normal as you have been through so much with her. It's about the "unknown", even though she says she will be on her best behavior and no old friends will be around you will still be on your guard. I think it's better to be nervous than to think it will be a "Hallmark" moment.

 

[Weary Mother]

I will be holding good thoughts for you that the visit will go well and no drama!!

I understand you being nervous. I thinks it's normal as you have been through so much with her. It's about the "unknown", even though she says she will be on her best behavior and no old friends will be around you will still be on your guard. I think it's better to be nervous than to think it will be a "Hallmark" moment.

Thanks Tanya. I remember when she first became homeless, I found this forum

 

[Weary Mother]

sorry, I hit sent too soon. I found this forum at that time out of pure desperation by looking online. I was glad at the time that she was in Missouri, but still devastated by all the life and death drama between my adult children's lives. Now after 6 months or so, I don't know if I can handle more than a small visit. I don't want the friends around, but also I don't want more emotional upheaval for myself. Getting attached and unattached to people is hard. I mean that it is easier to love from a distance sometimes. Sounds weird but somehow right.

 

[RN0441]

I understand the feeling of wanting to be with them but not wanting to be with them at the same time. It's a very strange feeling and I feel that when I'm with my Difficult Child.

I don't like the feeling and hope maybe in time I can figure out a way to put it into perspective and make it be a good thing. I think it's impossible to "unsee" what you've seen - or "unfeel" the fears you have felt in the past - at least for me.

I am always nervous about what behaviors I'll see that I don't like so am cautious.

But do try to enjoy your visit!

 

[Weary Mother]

I understand the feeling of wanting to be with them but not wanting to be with them at the same time. It's a very strange feeling and I feel that when I'm with my Difficult Child.

I don't like the feeling and hope maybe in time I can figure out a way to put it into perspective and make it be a good thing. I think it's impossible to "unsee" what you've seen - or "unfeel" the fears you have felt in the past - at least for me.

I am always nervous about what behaviors I'll see that I don't like so am cautious.

But do try to enjoy your visit!

Good point!! I also feel this way and when I say this I feel very confused and guilty. I feel that if this were not my child I would not want to be around them at all. So it is not liking them, while still loving them. Make sense?

 

[TheWalrus]

My relationship with my daughter has deteriorated to the point of not having one at this point. It has deteriorated over the years, but not like it is now - no contact. Were she to call me and ask to stay, or even just call, I would be incredibly nervous, sad, anxious, hopeful, fearful - you name it. So I completely understand your churning emotions. But my daughter has a way of disappearing and reappearing, acting as though no time has passed and she has never said or done the things she has. There were times it made me a little crazy. Did she feel nothing? Did she believe that as my daughter, it was acceptable for her to treat us the way she did and we were to just accept her when she came back? Did she feel no remorse? Sadness? Worry? Did she not care for us at all? I cannot imagine doing the things she has done, but if I did, I would feel so ashamed and that I had to earn that trust and acceptance. It seems this is a strand I see over and over here with our children. I pray that this is not the case for you, and that you are able to come to a place of peace with your daughter and let go of your worries for her. Please keep us updated.

 

[Tanya M]

But my daughter has a way of disappearing and reappearing, acting as though no time has passed and she has never said or done the things she has.

My son acts the same way. Will never understand how his conscience never seams to bother him.

 

[Copabanana]

She did say that she wanted to see me and her grandmother and her grandkids, which I am glad to hear. She needs to mend relations with her family and move on and be happy.

The reality of your daughter's life speaks much louder than do her aspirations for contact. She is responsible for discord and pain of which I can only imagine. That said, everybody deserves the chance to change, and to demonstrate they have.

Four days is not that long but it is long enough.

My son has made huge trouble within an hour or two ending up in a physical altercation, and his calling the cops on us in our house, with the intent of putting us in jail.

I would try to think about right now what you will do if there are problems. If I know I have a plan going in, I have more confidence and can relax. I am less defensive, and less aggressive.

You are putting your strength and hope forward. In my opinion, we need to also be ready for all outcomes.

Take care. I hope it is a good visit. You deserve it.

 

[BusynMember]

I love my son in St. LOUIS, BUT I don't really like him and he could never stay with me in my house again. I feel bad saying that truth because my daughter is here this weekend and she didn't even have to ask if she could stay...she knows she can. But my son is very hard to get along with and would have to stay at a hotel.

I have learned not to keep repeating mistakes. He has not lived with us since he used to scare me and I made him leave. I am even secretly glad he lives far away although I wish I saw my grandson more. But my heart isn't broken over it as I have only seen my grandson maybe six times in my life (he is eight and son won't drive him to Chicago to meet us halfway)...and there is no easy way to get to St. Louis from where WE LIVE.... and I know what I can and can't handle and what I'm willing and not willing to put my loving, kind husband through.

Things are different between my difficult son and me and my other very caring adult children. They have to be.

I hope your visit goes well. I believe though that you have to have a a Plan B in case it doesnt. Without a lot of therapy and insight people normally don't change so take good care of yourself and guard your heart. If she is one of the women here that is borderline...remember how that could affect the visit. Don't expect miracles. It can break your heart.

Lots of good wishes and gentle hugs.

 

[Weary Mother]

I love my son in St. LOUIS, BUT I don't really like him and he could never stay with me in my house again. I feel bad saying that truth because my daughter is here this weekend and she didn't even have to ask if she could stay...she knows she can. But my son is very hard to get along with and would have to stay at a hotel.

I have learned not to keep repeating mistakes. He has not lived with us since he used to scare me and I made him leave. I am even secretly glad he lives far away although I wish I saw my grandson more. But my heart isn't broken over it as I have only seen my grandson maybe six times in my life (he is eight and son won't drive him to Chicago to meet us halfway)...and there is no easy way to get to St. Louis from where WE LIVE.... and I know what I can and can't handle and what I'm willing and not willing to put my loving, kind husband through.

Things are different between my difficult son and me and my other very caring adult children. They have to be.

I hope your visit goes well. I believe though that you have to have a a Plan B in case it doesnt. Without a lot of therapy and insight people normally don't change so take good care of yourself and guard your heart. If she is one of the women here that is borderline...remember how that could affect the visit. Don't expect miracles. It can break your heart.

Lots of good wishes and gentle hugs.

Somewhere: I got a call last night from troubled adult daughter. She was crying. Seems that the disabled child of hers (my grandaughter who is mentally disabled due to some behaviour and mood disorder since childhood and has collected disablity for years on this) lives with her. The disabled daughter has a 5 mo. old child. Recently my daughter lost her job due to not being able to stay well enough to get to work and having transportation issues. The disabled daughter got a job, the first in her adult life and she is in her mid 20's. She probably will not be able to manage long term working but for now that is the only income either of them have except food stams and public assistance. So, the disabled daughter is sleeping all day and working all night due to her medications that is prescribed for her mood disorder. Leaving my daughter to watch the 5 month old day and night and she was crying. I told her to get a job, tell the disabled child of her to get her butt up and take care of her son and to move on. This is what I meant when I said waiting for the other shoe to drop. Here we go again. I am happy that my own daughter is apparently not on the streets using drugs, but her life is so out of control. And, an email from son in prison, saying they are on lockdown and he snuck on the kiosk to tell me to call before visiting. How do I respond to that? They read all the emails so they know he snuck in after a lockdown. What next?

 

[BusynMember]

Do not think you can cut the bonds you feel. You can't. That's not what we mean when we say to detach. Detaching is a survival skill for us. It means to love them in our hearts, but to detach from their problems that are usually of their own making. Do not step in to fix it.
That makes you feel useless as it doesn't work and personality disordered adults do not change, feel remorse, or love unconditionally like other people. And many of our very adult kids feel That you either save them or you are a "bad" mother, a terrible person. It's not true and who wants to hear that?

They don't want mature mother/ daughter relationships. They want a mommy to kiss it and make it better. Or else rage. Not normal. You can't put up with this or it can make you doubt yourself and get sick and it's not worth it.

Keep looking out for yourself. Your daughter grew up long ago. It's her choice what she chooses to do with her adulthood. But she's no child anymore.

 

[Weary Mother]

Do not think you can cut the bonds you feel. You can't. That's not what we mean when we say to detach. Detachind is a survival skill for us. It means to live them in our hearts, but to detach from their problems that are usually of their own making. Do not step in to fix it
That makes you feel useless as it doesn't work and personality disordered adults do not change, feel remorse, or love unconditionally. You either save them or you are a "bad" mother, a terrible person.

They don't want mature mother/ daughter relationships. They want a mommy to kids or and make it better. You can't.

Keep looking out for yourself.

Thanks, I need to keep hearing this over and over. I feel just terrible when I know what is happening to my children. Why oh why do they put themselves in such a mess? To me survival is a matter of necessity not a luxury. I pay bills on time, go to work, manage my money and life and can't figure out why some don't. not that I don't have issues. But the basic living skills, to keep a roof over the head and food in the stomach is just puzzling to me why some people can't manage that much. And why my son would risk sneaking to the email kiosk to tell me to check before coming because they are on lockdown? This stuff drives me nuts!!

 

[BusynMember]

Try to emotionally detach. You don't need to get so involved.

Drug abuse and personality disorders can keep even 60 year olds acting stupid...and ten years old. But they have been alive a long time. They can do better. They just wont.

Enjoy your life. I can't state that enough.