Daughters boyfriend is awful

[ski10]

Hello,
Well, it's another day! I swear everytime I open my eyes in the AM my stress level goes way up!
Yes, my daughters natural father has a lot to do with this mess, when my daughter would go to his house he'd give her money, buy her lot's of things then the next minute get sooo angry at her for nothing, he can turn on a dime it's scary to watch, he has always said terrible things about me to her, he is so spiteful, his whole family is the same way, to tell a 5 year your mother is a b..ch straight to her face killed me, she'd come running to the car crying, it was so hard, he has done so much damage, I told him he was hurting our daughter so much by saying nasty things but all he did was swear at me, he is nuts, it was such a battle all the time.

She no longer sees him or his family, absolutely hates them all, but she has been affected badly I know it. We've had the talks about how she can be attracted to the "bad guys" because of her father and she actually said she'd never do that, not realizing that is exactly what she is doing.
She dropped out of high school 2 months ago, the principal was calling me all the time saying her grades were falling so much and she'd just walk off school property in the middle of the day, her boyfriend was kicked out for stealing, fighting and swearing at the principal last year. She got her GED a month ago so at least she has that for now, I practically forced her to get that. The principal said she can go so far, she's smart but her boyfriend is a terrible influence...

I wasn't going to mention this but, 5 months ago she told me she was pregnant, I went in to such a depression seeing her and the baby's life right before my eyes, can't really get in to all the details, too painful really, but she did lose the baby, after seeing it on a scan, he was so angry and told everyone a bunch of lies, she was so hurt but he lied his way out of it all, so, I'm also worried for her because every so often she'll mention what happened and blames herself, I think therapy will help but she won't go.

mrsammler, You are right, my daughter is an adult, even though I thought I'd never ever say the words, this is my house...I have said it, she doesn't like to hear it and tells me that's cruel...aggh, always has something to say...it's usually "WOW!" like I'm such a mean person, my brain hurts..

toughlovin, she was just a normal teen before meeting this boyfriend, had girl-friends, they all had sleepovers, went to the mall, usual stuff, now she never sees her friends, she says they are not her friends and guess who she heard that from?

Hound dog, let's hope he gets another girlfriend! I won't tell her to leave unless it is the last resort, then that would be hard to do, I did say a few things the other day, bringing stealing in to the converstion, slipped that one in somehow...and she said "Im not stupid.."..... end of conversation.

lovemysons, it is very interesting to hear from someone who has been on my daughters end, you actually know what she's feeling and what you say makes perfect sense, I hope you are okay now.

CrazyinVA, You and your daughter have been through so much, truly terrible, I just want to give you a big hug, yes, I have banned him from our home and told my daughter I'm not going to give her any money (I would treat her to some things but found out she was treating him with it) while he is around because he never has anything and I'm not paying for him, she did say she understood that. As I'm writing this she called and said they are going to the pawn shop to sell his guitar....omg..wonder who's guitar it is

elizabrary, I had no idea so many of us are going through the same things, I've done the same thing as you, told her I know she is lying and not get in to an argument, it's funny you should say you deal with everything matter of factly, i was just thinking of that the other day and have put it in to action a few times, the boyfriend is not allowed in our home, that's it..I have been so ill over all this, crying, not sleeping properly, I feel like hell and probably look it too! I can't go on like this so I'm interested in how you are detaching, and hope they come to their senses.

Dammit Janet, love the name!...she hardly ever answers her cell to me, whether I call or text, I always text "I love you" though.
I know what you're saying about the stealing part but I KNOW she is up to no good! I can tell, but I did manage to tell her no one should ever steal, they always get caught and did she know cameras are everywhere, and I'm sure jail is not a good place, hope she listened.

Hi Star, how did you know my daughter has had venom in her eyes looking at me! those were the exact words I used once when I was trying to tell her something.
Ah yes, therapy office and adoption, I was adopted too and that's a whole other issue isn't it!

Sorry this is so long, but everyone is helping so much, everyday I am a mess but I have also been thinking, I've said how I feel and need to keep an eye on what's happening but I think I'm going to concentrate on talking to her about college and the future, not the boyfriend.
Oh...sooooo difficult isn't it..hugs to everyone.

 

[Hound dog]

Talking to her about college and the future is a great idea. Encouragement and support is always good.

And yes, it's very difficult, but not impossible. Just takes lots of practice. And you've got us now to help and to vent to when needed.

His lies will catch up to him eventually.

I'm sorry your daughter had to go through the trauma of a miscarriage.........and yet, it was most likely a blessing that a baby hasn't been brought into the situation. That's when it really gets complicated and makes it rough to try ti detach.

Hugs

 

[dashcat]

mrsammler, with all due respect; since you stated your daughters are PCs please know that advice as to handle a situation with a easy child is often very, very different than that of a difficult child.

My difficult child was boy-crazy, sneaking,lying about boys, behaving innappoririately, from the time she was very young. There were a few occassions where it was necessary to "ban" someone (although simply not liking him was never the criterea) and in every, single case we were unable to keep her from sneaking and seeing/talking to the boy in question. Now, understand, she was between 12-16 during these siutations and we DID have to do what we had to do (ban), but it never worked. Never.

She is now 20 and has brought some really doozies around, but - once she hit about 17 - we ceased with the bans.

Ski, my daughter is a rescuer too. She LOOKS for guys like this and finds them with no trouble. Keep the door open and your mouth shut.

As to the internet searches, just watch and wait. Believe me, I know how hard this is. My daughter googles all sorts of crazy stuff ... it doesn't mean she's going to do it. She might even find, through her "research", that it isn't worth it.

Hang in there. It's so hard when they are tehcnically adults.

Dash

 

[mrsammler]

Dashcat, my nephew is a difficult child (big-time); at my sister's invitation (and for her protection), I lived with him for 15 months in '09-'10. I'm aware of the distinction.

 

[lovemysons]

Dear ski,
I will try to make this brief as I am typing with one finger on my iPhone lol.
I wanted to thank you first for your consideration of how I am now.

To be honest I think there will always be a hole in my heart because of the lack of love pain depravation from my bio dad. He died this past November and I was asked by a half sister he raised if I would visit him in the hospital a month before he passes away. I did...and the only thing I asked of him was to write me a letter...I never received a card or letter from him my whole life. So a month later at his funeral I was still left "wanting" as o received no letter.

What did leave me? Hm...bipolar disorder and the disease of alcoholism...thanks dad, sigh. But I suppose there are gifts that come out of tragedy too. I found AA for myself also Al Anon as both my sons are addicts. I had a psychotic breakdown 4 yrs ago and was finally dxd with bipolar disorder which explains many many years of depression that I suffered and for certain the loss of love from bio dad has been probably the single worst emotional pain aside from the grief I have experienced from my difficult children lives.

Most of my adult life I have had a special place in my heart for fatherless children and husband and I have taken into our home at least 3 of them in the past 5 yrs. I try and emphasize the Riches of heart that can come from so much pain and loss. I refer to them as survivor and try to steer them away from self pity and victimhood.

I so wish your daughter would agree to some counseling. I think I really could have benefitted from a female counselor who deals with loss of a parent when I was a teenager.

by the way my mom was 17 when she had me. Her parents had forbidden her from seeing my bio dad...but she only got good at sneaking around to see him. Marrying him not long after and having me 9 mtgs later. He was an abusive alcoholic and he beat my mom over the corse of 2 yrs. She divorced him at 19 yrs of age and I did not meet him or hear from him til age 17.
My mom has loved me through it all although my childhood was unstable with her as she moved 10 times by the time I was in the ninth grade and she worked full time and put herself through college as well. I spent alot of my childhood in different places and with many babysitters or alone. But all of my adult life she has been there for me when it mattered most. Took me a long time to appreciate how much my mother has always loved me.

I will always be reminded of bio dad too because my young difficult child is the spitting image of him... Geez!

Anyway I so hope your daughter will get the therapy she really needs one of these days soon.
Thinking of you...and thank you for thinking of me too.
Hugs,
Tammy

 

[ski10]

Hi Tammy,
I know there is a hole in your heart, the pain and the huge feelings of loss, I too have a special place in my heart for fatherless children, or I should say parentless children I just have to see a story on TV and I am bawling, yet at the same time I feel fiercely protective, wish I had a ton of money to help people.

I was adopted as a baby, I located my bio mother several years ago, she wanted nothing to do with me, made that very clear and I felt like a piece of dirt, she also turned my 1/2 siblings against me, they all had such cruel things to say and all I wanted was to know where I came from and to "see" pictures of them, and wouldn't you just know it, I was the one who looked like bio mom the most, it took 2 1/2 years of a breakdown and therapy to come out of the I should never have been born, I am not good enough, syndrome, it all literally broke my heart in two, I know it did because I felt it. So, I know exactly how you feel, yet I have the same way of thinking, not to feel like a victim or have self-pity, to march on!

Do not know who my bio father is... I was told I was never going to know..thank you... but bio mom's side is riddled with mental illness, I have had depression since my late teens, am on Wellbutrin, was diagnosed BiPolar (BP) then that was changed to severe depressive illness, because the Dr's said I have more depression than anything else, I am not sure what the heck I am! I had a breakdown after my daughter was born, stayed in a hospital for almost a month for depression, the depression would stay with me for months then it would suddenly lift, then it would come again, then it'd lift, I couldn't control it but with AD's am somewhat stable, lol...I say that because whenever I am under stress it hits big time, AD's or not.

I have often wondered if my daughter has inherited anything, she is much more outgoing than I was at her age but she is depressed, won't see a therapist now but I will still try to get her to go.
I am sending you a BIG hug, and thank you for all your kind words, take care.