DC1 thought process off

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by WiseChoices, Sep 8, 2019.

  1. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    DC1 was talking with husband and claimed that we treat him like he is imposing on our generosity. When h. said that we do not feel that way , DC1 said that he got that feeling from a talk with me that "frankly he is not over , yet"

    During said talk, I was critical of him, I admit. I said he could have done better at University had he not partied . He graduated magna cum laude and he asked what else I want from him and that no matter what it's never good enough. I felt terrible about that - he has a point. He said he did everything I asked and that school was miserable for him, that he could only get through it by using various vices like alcohol,pot, cigarettes .

    I was harping on the pot use (which was daily for a while semester). My point was that besides good grades, he could have actually learned stuff that prepared him for a job, done an internship (he said every senester he was going to do one and then never signed up), talked with the career center to get hooked up with work, gotten involved in his department. He left campus after class pretty much every day and went to a girl's apartment (she was not a student, didn't work and just got high every day) and got stoned. He defended all these actions with excuses .

    I did not feel good after this conversation .I felt I was too critical and not loving. I am still so very disappointed that son did drugs (it wasn't just pot) at uni and never tried to actually engage with other students or take advantage of all they offered .

    But I have never said to him that he is imposing on our generosity or that he is a burden .I have made statements to the contrary, in fact, while making it clear that we expect him to get a job .Which he has now.

    So why would he claim that we treat him like that? Is it his own guilt? Projection? It bothers me that he would think that . He is loved and we offered for him to move back home when after he graduated he didn't have a car or job.
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I think he is trying to make you feel guilty so that you "help" him. How many years ago was he in college? At some point he needs to get over old perceived slights, use his obvious intelligence, get off the drugs and get over it and adult.

    You need to forgive yourself. i know of no parent who would be happy and quiet about a kid using drugs. To me it would be unloving not to address the serious problem. What parent would not bring it up???? Lets be real. What loving parent never criticises, being human beings? We know our jids are doing wrong. Would we be loving if we didnt try?

    What is your definition of a loving parent?

    Your son needs to find help and move forward. Jmo.

    I suggest you get help and move on and not get roped into his guilting you for his own reasons. You did nothing every loving parent would have done.

    God bless your heart.
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  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    My quote thing isn't working but if it was I would have put "imposing on our generosity."

    If I can put myself in your son's shoes, I would feel bad about myself being home. I wouldn't be thinking about my parents' generosity. I would think about the fact that I would want to be independent, free, self-sustaining and without obligation. I would want to NOT have anybody around who thinks they have a right to say anything to me. Even if they do. I suspect you paid for college; at least the lion's share. You DO have the right to speak up about bad behavior, in my view. Just because he does one (important) thing right (Magna Cum Laude--GREAT) does not mean you have to become deaf, dumb and blind to everything else.

    At the same time, thinking as son, I would be frustrated and pissed about myself that I have to be home. And everybody around me would suffer, because I am angry at myself to have to be home. I would blame myself for shirking to the extent that I did, and not listening to my mother (which I would NEVER admit.) I would recognize that SHE was right about the job prep and internship. (But NOT about the mj.)

    This is an age-appropriate attitude. It is not reasonable. It is not necessarily aware. It is not fair. It just is.

    Please forgive yourself for the conversation. Those kinds of conversations happen for all of us. Let it go. Your son is using that conversation as a (false) way to label his ill-feelings. It's like a handy container so that he does not have to feel bad about himself.

    Wise. Please be kind to yourself and let this one go. Let him be. To stew in his own juices. Why do you need to marinate? You don't. That's what I think.
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    Last edited: Sep 8, 2019
  4. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I agree with Copa except for one thing.

    I don't buy that every adult child is angry to be home after college. Nor do I think every new college grad who is home takes it out on family. I don't think this is age appropriate or not. Its just being a jerk, a word I hate to use. Not all or even most adult kids of 22 or so snap at loved ones if they are not happy about things I don't want to give him a pass there. i have two kids who would never do that and their friends are nice too. We have employed several as they looked for jobs in their fields. No defiance. They came on time. They worked hard.

    Like attracts like.

    I would never have mistreated my family and finances were tough after college for my family, and our house was crowded. I got a great job and made use of my degree, got married to a hardworking young man and then gave my parents money to help them, which they refused to take.

    We make our own heaven or hell. Kay made her life hell. Much of her hellish memories never even happened.She continues to make her life hell. It makes me very sad.

    Your son is being a brat, like Kay is. Another word I hate and never ever said to her. But the kids who bring us here are not nice, hardworking, sober, independent kids or we would not be here. They would not be struggling so much if they tried harder or at least quit the getting high or drunk and went for therapy.

    By the way, right now your son IS imposing on you. So did Kay. I wouldn't see it for a long time. I do now.

    At least as their parents, we are no longer alone. God bless everyone.
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Of course they aren't. But it appears that THIS CHILD is. And he is who we are dealing with here.

    We can't fight reality. The reality is SOMETHING is going on, and this Mother is asking us what. My best guess is what I wrote. For him, not for everybody.

    Of course not all kids are angry to be home. Just (some of) ours.

    Many young men do not have mature brains until 28 to 30ish. This is not admirable behavior on his part. But it does not need to be more than immaturity combined with unwillingness to accept responsibility for his choices. This is NOT that uncommon. Nor is it that bad. In my opinion. Mother needs to move on.
  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Yep. And Kay. i agree. Didn't mean to offend. Hope I did not. Sometimes I think what is going on is drug use messing with their heads!!!! Kay's mind has not been free of at least pot for two decades. She makes up stories about the past, but maybe her drugged mind believes it

    God bless and have a good restful night !
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Of course you didn't. There is a huge difference between this child and ours, Busy. He is functioning. Magna cum laude is NOT a walk in the park. And I think his attitude now is a reflection of his wanting more for himself. He does not seem to be a person who will just lay around and veg indefinitely. I think he will motivate himself. I hope so, at least.
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    Last edited: Sep 8, 2019
  8. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Thank you both!
  9. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Busy, thank you for your candid response . He just graduated in May; we did pay for college except for incidentals and anything to do with his car. He did work for part of a semester when he had spent all of his money. He delivered pizzas .

    Since he has been home (May) , he has not had any alcohol or any drugs. I know this for a fact. He talks about MJ a lot , he loves pot, and is always saying how he can't wait to get his own place and then smoke pot again.

    He has been looking for work ,and has had a handful of interviews and through his effort of visiting jobs he had applied for , landed a job as a cashier. He had a definite go getter attitude about it. He has an interview tomorrow for a better job , more suited for his degree, and an Interview Wed for a wireless phone co.

    I most appreciate your sentiments about me not feeling guilty because I do that a whole lot .I aspire to be perfect as a Mother and a human and we all know that's not going to happen. I will try to give myself a break.
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  10. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Copa, thank you so much!!!! I needed to hear all of that! It is good to know that son's attitude is age appropriate. I think you are right : he hates having to be home in an area he does not like, under our rules , without the means to support himself , and initially without a car that he lost due to MJ influence of himself and his friend whom he let drive. And he knows that is why he is home. He told my daughter he doesn't have a choice but to move home. So that all makes sense.

    I also appreciate hearing that he is just using this false statement to deal with his feelings .he does not actually feel unwelcome which would make me feel terrible.

    I so need to let myself off the hook. I want to be the perfect Al Anon who never slips up, never comments on her adult childrens' lives and I can't seem to be able to do it.

    My son is a good person. I tend to overreact to things and envision the worst. He is seeing a therapist now and he did get on medications for depression .He is helping around the house happily, does everything I ask, he has found a job , he has paid the insurance on his Grandfather's car and he is talking about moving to another state as soon as he has saved enough money .

    Thank you for helping me to move through my self imposed guilt. I do this a lot .I create my own suffering.
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  11. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I don't think you put unreasonable pressure on your son by sending him to college and making him keep his grades up. For a kid who partied that much, his GPA sure was high. It's not like he never had any fun and was in the library all the time. It sounds like his GPA would have been even higher if he hadn't smoked pot and had his fun. I see him as a very bright kid and the type who could do a Ph.D. Obviously, he has the brains, but lacks the drive and desire. If he didn't have to try that hard for a 3.8 GPA, who knows what he could accomplish. He has to see if for himself.
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  12. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Keyword-overreact. Me too. I have been in a real slump and as it turns out with solid communication, my son and his wife have not been ghosting me. They are just really busy and they are looking forward to my visit, which is coming up soon. They have been my rock because of May (40 y/o alcoholic with borderline behaviors, though not diagnosed). I have been so traumatized that I have a knee jerk reaction with all the other children. Finally, after having a nightmare, I called for a second time, but this time I called my daughter in law who was very gracious and said she was glad I called and she totally understood why I would react the way I did after all I have been through. I suffered for a week, unnecessarily. Maybe the lines of communication are needing some attention because of your other son. It's easy to go there. It's understandable that you have concerns for drug abuse (which includes alcohol, in my humble opinion). Does he just want to stay stoned so he doesn't have to interact with life, or does he use it to slow down his mind? High achievers often are tightly wound. He is going to do what he is going to do and we don't have one thing we can do to change that. I am praying that when he gets the job that fits his expectations, he won't want to escape. If he is able to hold down a job, he is functioning and in the end. Our wishes for our children are based on our own experiences and we want to protect them, but the truth is, we can't. All we can do is to let them know they are at risk and encourage them to make informed choices. It's understandable that we over-react. You have been such a good mentor to me on this journey. You said something to me that has helped beyond all measure. When communicating with our wayward adult children, try to communicate as if they are our best friends children.

    Love and light. :staystrong: