De ja vu....
- Thread starter ksm
- Start date
Yes, most the time my Difficult Child isn't as D as other Difficult Child's can be. But we have dealt with alcohol poisoning and with a suicide attempt... When life gets overwhelming she doesn't cope well.
If everything goes her way, life is great...but life isn't like that and she has a way of bringing out the worst in people or situations.
But like I said earlier, it is what it is...and I am stepping back...a little at a time...
KSM
If everything goes her way, life is great...but life isn't like that and she has a way of bringing out the worst in people or situations.
But like I said earlier, it is what it is...and I am stepping back...a little at a time...
KSM
pasajes4
Well-Known Member
KSM, I do understand about not wanti g her to feel unloved or abandoned. There comes a point where handing them money and loaning them cars needs to stop. She has shown you what she thinks of your love by not being truthful to you time after time. Doing things out of fear, guilt, and worry teaches them to gaslight to keep what they want coming.
You matter. You deserve to be able to spend or save your money for what you need and want. Decide what your limit on helping will be and then have that conversation with kiddo. You don't deserve to have your kindness taken for granted.
You matter. You deserve to be able to spend or save your money for what you need and want. Decide what your limit on helping will be and then have that conversation with kiddo. You don't deserve to have your kindness taken for granted.
Last night I took Difficult Child and little Difficult Child out for supper...it was our anniversary of adopting them 11 years ago. I fixed little "goodie" bags as a gift. Some new makeup and head phones...
We went to a franchise (not fast food) and I had told them ahead of time that on Tuesday they had a special for hamburger and fries. It is what Difficult Child normally orders when we go to a restaurant. Well, she didn't seem too pleased, but admitted she wasn't that hungry. Little sis, said she wasn't very hungry and had upset stomach so just wanted to share our fries.
Overall it went well. She is still saying she is still working, but I know otherwise. Says she is applying for other jobs, but when I asked where, she said, well, she hadn't went any where yet, but was thinking about where to apply.
So I just let it drop. Her car is out of the shop now. I am going to just not get involved. If she asks for money, then I will have to say, you have a job, you need to budget better...
KSM
We went to a franchise (not fast food) and I had told them ahead of time that on Tuesday they had a special for hamburger and fries. It is what Difficult Child normally orders when we go to a restaurant. Well, she didn't seem too pleased, but admitted she wasn't that hungry. Little sis, said she wasn't very hungry and had upset stomach so just wanted to share our fries.
Overall it went well. She is still saying she is still working, but I know otherwise. Says she is applying for other jobs, but when I asked where, she said, well, she hadn't went any where yet, but was thinking about where to apply.
So I just let it drop. Her car is out of the shop now. I am going to just not get involved. If she asks for money, then I will have to say, you have a job, you need to budget better...
KSM
Snow White
On the Mad Tea Party Ride
Sounds like the dinner event went ok. Good for you to stay uninvolved and not offer money.
I hope that she will find a way to get out an apply for work - realizing that she needs to be earning her own money.
I hope that she will find a way to get out an apply for work - realizing that she needs to be earning her own money.
Difficult Child update... She called me today and asked if I would help her buy a ball gown for a friend's Marine Ball in another state. I told her she needs to concentrate on getting a job and paying for car insurance in 6 weeks. I suggested she wear the black strapless dress with the beaded detail that I bought for prom. She was worried that a black dress would clash with his dress blues... I told her black is a neutral. Plus she has the shoes that match the dress.
Then she asked if she could come by and use the computer to apply for jobs. I said sure.
She showed up with a friend's baby... She said she had stopped a couple of places while the babies mom was with her and was told to apply on line. So she never got to use the computer. I think she mainly came to make a sandwich. She was dressed terribly inappropriately for applying for jobs. Skimpy black camisole and a very short skort. And thong underwear. The reason I know it was a thong was that the shorts slipped up her crack in back and showed half a butt cheek.
Her hair was in a "messy bun" as she likes to call it. Basically, it is a bun put up three days ago, that she never brushes out. Her face had broken out some, not bad, but then she had picked at some on her cheek and they were now sores.
She doesn't say she is working...but has not admitted she hasn't worked for the last two weeks. I am still detaching...didn't ask many questions...didn't try to solve her problems. I did suggest before she goes to a restaurant that she mentioned (her dad is friends with the manager) that she change clothes, brush her hair, and use a little make up. She didn't appreciate my advice. She replied..."I am pretty with out make up". I agreed she was, but a food service business expects people to have clean, styled hair.
I dropped it. When she asks for real help, like gas money, I am still going to require she apply for mental health services.
This was her 4th job that didn't last more than 90 days. By that time, she is tired of it, doesn't like co workers and thinks all the supervisors were stupid and has an attitude.
I am sure things will get worse before they get better.
KSM
Then she asked if she could come by and use the computer to apply for jobs. I said sure.
She showed up with a friend's baby... She said she had stopped a couple of places while the babies mom was with her and was told to apply on line. So she never got to use the computer. I think she mainly came to make a sandwich. She was dressed terribly inappropriately for applying for jobs. Skimpy black camisole and a very short skort. And thong underwear. The reason I know it was a thong was that the shorts slipped up her crack in back and showed half a butt cheek.
Her hair was in a "messy bun" as she likes to call it. Basically, it is a bun put up three days ago, that she never brushes out. Her face had broken out some, not bad, but then she had picked at some on her cheek and they were now sores.
She doesn't say she is working...but has not admitted she hasn't worked for the last two weeks. I am still detaching...didn't ask many questions...didn't try to solve her problems. I did suggest before she goes to a restaurant that she mentioned (her dad is friends with the manager) that she change clothes, brush her hair, and use a little make up. She didn't appreciate my advice. She replied..."I am pretty with out make up". I agreed she was, but a food service business expects people to have clean, styled hair.
I dropped it. When she asks for real help, like gas money, I am still going to require she apply for mental health services.
This was her 4th job that didn't last more than 90 days. By that time, she is tired of it, doesn't like co workers and thinks all the supervisors were stupid and has an attitude.
I am sure things will get worse before they get better.
KSM
Wow the only thing I am still surprised is how is she such a master at socializing as she got so many friends that is just wow just wow that is just amazing. That is a true gift maybe something that requires working with people is really in her line.
I ignored all the flaws you described because they certainly do not act as a deterrent.
Really watch the full part of the glass also to much focus on the empty side is not good.
I ignored all the flaws you described because they certainly do not act as a deterrent.
Really watch the full part of the glass also to much focus on the empty side is not good.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Not to scare you but breaking out can be caused by meth. My daughter had a horrible complexion when she used. It's a symptom.
A Dad...it looks good on paper. Her "friends" last as long as she has money. She does not have any long term friends. There is too much drama. She has been babysitting for a "friend". She likes to be needed. But it's not a paying job and she will will soon have no money for gas or food.
I don't think she is on meth or an drugs, and for that I am thankful. I think it is a lack of cleanliness, and touching her face. But she has nervous habits, and picking at sores and nails is a habit she can't break.she has lived with us since age 6 and she has never had to have toenails and fingernails cut. She chews them to the quick and sometimes they bleed.
Last weekend, little sis spent the night with their dad, and said Difficult Child had to rub coconut oil in to her hair to try to get the tangles out, as she hadn't taken the messy bun down in three days.
The guy that invited her to the Marine Ball...never heard her mention him til today. Nothing like an 18 year old leaving the state with a guy none of us knows. I hope it is all on the up and up.
Difficult Child is friendly and outgoing and pretty, so it is hard on me when I see her with dirty clothes and hair. And body odor... But she gets offended if I mention it. I really try not to...
KSM
I don't think she is on meth or an drugs, and for that I am thankful. I think it is a lack of cleanliness, and touching her face. But she has nervous habits, and picking at sores and nails is a habit she can't break.she has lived with us since age 6 and she has never had to have toenails and fingernails cut. She chews them to the quick and sometimes they bleed.
Last weekend, little sis spent the night with their dad, and said Difficult Child had to rub coconut oil in to her hair to try to get the tangles out, as she hadn't taken the messy bun down in three days.
The guy that invited her to the Marine Ball...never heard her mention him til today. Nothing like an 18 year old leaving the state with a guy none of us knows. I hope it is all on the up and up.
Difficult Child is friendly and outgoing and pretty, so it is hard on me when I see her with dirty clothes and hair. And body odor... But she gets offended if I mention it. I really try not to...
KSM
A Dad - I looked at her FB and found the "friend" who she said invited her to the Marine Ball. He actually listed he needed a date for the dance. I don't know if he invited her, as several girls responded. But she probably thinks it's a date. Sad.
You say I see the glass half full...but basically I see the actual glass...you see what I write and interpret it with your lenses.
KSM
You say I see the glass half full...but basically I see the actual glass...you see what I write and interpret it with your lenses.
KSM
Just an update... Difficult Child is still not adulting. She is not doing horrible things, but not taking care of what she needs to do. We got a $20 check from when she was on my husbands SS benefits and they did a price adjustment from several months ago. In told her I would bring it to her if she would help me at the medical office to get an insurance issue straightened out. and stop by the credit union to find out if she has any money.
Since I posted this back in September, she did walk off her job and did not really search for a new one in the last 6 weeks. She supposedy had a babysitting job after school for a single dad that was going to pay $200. She didn't get paid the first week, or the second, then the dad ended up in the hospital and she says he has lung cancer. His younger kids are 5,6 and 7. He has at least two adult children, also. She is friends with his adult daughter. So basically, he tries o give her gas money to pick kids up from school and watch them at his house.
Her car ins runs out November 10. Her car tag expires Nov 30. She had signed a contract with Planet Fitness for a monthly membership, with money coming out of the credit union. Well, there has not been any money in the CU and now she has a negative balance. The awkward part is, my husband is president of the CU board, because he worked for the post office, and it is a private postal credit union. It's not a paid position, just a volunteer type thing.
We have saved some funds over the years, because we received about $80 a month SS benefits or her. Of course, we spent more than $80 a month for food and clothes. We had wanted to use these funds to help her start her secondary or vocational schooling.
We won't bail her out for the car or other expenses...but this one we might.
I know it's going to take a long time for her to get on her feet. I again suggested going back to the mental health place and getting her old case manager back, and the job coach, and see if she qualifies for other benefits. She didn't commit...yet...maybe if things get worse. She isn't really living with her dad, but staying at various friends and thand family she baby sits for.
It is very kind of her to do that, but I see it more as she is being manipulated. She feels like she is part of their family now. I know she just really wants to "belong".
Don't really know that there is much else I can do at this point.
KSM
Since I posted this back in September, she did walk off her job and did not really search for a new one in the last 6 weeks. She supposedy had a babysitting job after school for a single dad that was going to pay $200. She didn't get paid the first week, or the second, then the dad ended up in the hospital and she says he has lung cancer. His younger kids are 5,6 and 7. He has at least two adult children, also. She is friends with his adult daughter. So basically, he tries o give her gas money to pick kids up from school and watch them at his house.
Her car ins runs out November 10. Her car tag expires Nov 30. She had signed a contract with Planet Fitness for a monthly membership, with money coming out of the credit union. Well, there has not been any money in the CU and now she has a negative balance. The awkward part is, my husband is president of the CU board, because he worked for the post office, and it is a private postal credit union. It's not a paid position, just a volunteer type thing.
We have saved some funds over the years, because we received about $80 a month SS benefits or her. Of course, we spent more than $80 a month for food and clothes. We had wanted to use these funds to help her start her secondary or vocational schooling.
We won't bail her out for the car or other expenses...but this one we might.
I know it's going to take a long time for her to get on her feet. I again suggested going back to the mental health place and getting her old case manager back, and the job coach, and see if she qualifies for other benefits. She didn't commit...yet...maybe if things get worse. She isn't really living with her dad, but staying at various friends and thand family she baby sits for.
It is very kind of her to do that, but I see it more as she is being manipulated. She feels like she is part of their family now. I know she just really wants to "belong".
Don't really know that there is much else I can do at this point.
KSM
AppleCori
Well-Known Member
She has been put in a difficult situation, with the dad not paying her for babysitting, then he finds out he is terribly sick. I'm sure she feels obligated to keep watching the kids.
I hope they have a grandparent or other relative that can take over their care.
Maybe she will decide to go back to the caseworker if things don't get better. We can only hope....
Like most of our kids, she has to do things the hard way.
I hope they have a grandparent or other relative that can take over their care.
Maybe she will decide to go back to the caseworker if things don't get better. We can only hope....
Like most of our kids, she has to do things the hard way.
