Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Triedntrue, Mar 27, 2019.

  1. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    Hoping for some advice. I haven't been here in awhile. Bipolar 37 year old son. Things had been going relatively well until a couple of nights ago. Son had a good job was starting to take some responsibility and i was slowly detaching. Then the girfriend left and boom he trashed his apt she called police and since he was on house arrest he was violated. He called me threatening suicide has done this many times. I did not go. We are not sure of consequences yet. Anyway he has a hearing tomorrow where his ex is trying to terminate his parental rights i am supposed to verify that he sent his son gifts. I am afraid of three things one that they will ask questions about his past to which i will not lie but i am afraid of his reaction. 2. I am not sure he deserves to hold on to his rights exept it is so permanent. 3. If i show up his ex will probably not let me see him either. I know my son would not intentionally hurt his son but don't feel he is responsible enough to watch him alone. That is not my decision though. Seeing him supervised ok. I told him i might not go because i am angry. Even though it is a small thing he has been told it could make a difference. I have prayed but i don't know what to do. Any advice ?
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I think I might tell him what your concerns are. That his intention is that you answer specific questions to verify the gifts to his son, but that you are concerned that you would be questioned as to wider concerns. That you fear that could not control what would be opened up. The hornet's nest. I would tell son, and let him decide and take responsibility. Even if he does not take responsibility you would know that you made him take responsibility, and to choose what he wanted.

    As far as your feeling that your son is not responsible enough right now to watch his son alone, I would tell him this up front, too. So that he is clear that if you are asked you will tell the truth about your own beliefs.

    Personally, I do not know how it is that your son is threatened to lose parental rights. Custody is one thing. I can understand that he cannot handle custody now. But parental rights? What has he done to lose those? Parents all over are flawed and in trouble and addicted and whatever. They do not lose parental rights, as far as I know, without having time to right themselves through treatment and making a new life. I don't understand this. It does not sound right.

    If it were me I would not be conflicted about helping him maintain parental rights, as long as he is clear that you will honestly answer whatever questions are presented. And that you do not believe that right now he would be fit to be a custodial parent, but that you know he loves his child and wants the child to be safe and cared for.

    I think the truth is the best way to go all around. Let your son decide. He got himself into this. It is not your responsibility to fix it. You can support him, but you cannot put Humpty Dumpty together again. That's son's job to do.
  3. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    His ex is on a vendetta she claims he doesnt try to see his son but wont let him call. Blocks his number. Makes him call her new husband daddy and has pretty much erased my son from his memory. Dont get me wromg my son has messed up but she has done everything in her power to keep him away. My husband and i are allowed to see him as long as we don't allow my son to see or speak to him and do not tell him about my son. My son is allowed supervised visits which he has to pay for and pay for transportation. He just started a new job that may allow him to do that.
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I do not see how she has the power to do all of this. I mean, this is not your immediate concern. I really do understand how pissed you must be with your son that he has gotten himself in this situation. He does not deserve to be alienated from his child. He has every right in the world to see him and be a factor in his life, not erased. This is terrible that he has made himself vulnerable to this. I feel sad for him, for his child, and for you.

    I get that your son is mentally ill and has drug issues, but he loves his child, and wants to have a relationship with him. This puts him head and shoulders above so many parents who are indifferent.

    How will you approach the court issue, have you decided?

    What is 302ed? I forget.

    Triedandtrue. You are in a tough spot emotionally. You love your son so much. You can't fix it, but you want to support him. I would be honest with son. Your son knows how much you love him.

    I am taking heart with you that he has been managing on his own, and that even with all of this, he is beginning a new job.

    The girlfriend incident is exactly why when people are in heavy duty therapy or other recovery activities it is stressed that staying away from serious romantic entanglements is a good idea, until we have ourselves together and stable.
  5. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    She is very manipulative. She has stalked him basically going to court about child support constantly called his first wife and tried to get her to go after him too. Talked another girl into filing false charges which she later dropped on and on. She wants everyone to believe she is wonderful but i have no doubts she has mental issues of her own. I decided to take your advice and told him i am going to tell the truth but I am going. He said he is going to try to have it postponed on the basis that he is currently unable to hire a lawyer but he doesnt know if it will work.
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Good. That kind of vengeance and stalking behavior and wanting to destroy him, as if obliterate him, is very, very sick. She better be careful because sooner or later your son will get it together. I hope he will. And he can go after her legally for what she has done to him.

    He has real strength. A lot of people couldn't take this.
    I hope he can hang onto his parental rights. He deserves this. It's not the same as custody, but isn't there some chance he can right himself with treatment and stabilize and at some point have some custody arrangement. There are special monitors that work with highly conflictual custody situations where there is discord and no trust. Just because your son has not gotten together so far does not mean he will not. You have given him a great deal of inner stability and resilience, despite the mental illness and drugs.
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2019
  7. Pixie Dusted

    Pixie Dusted New Member

    I agree, this seems suspicious. And, just because they are asking for something doesn't mean the court will grant it. I hope your son can get an attorney or CPS involved on some level.

    Our government is supposed to be based on the belief that family reunification - keeping children connected to both parents is best for children whenever possible and they should offer parents support, and services to do so.
    But, I also know its a very broken system.

    I think you did the right thing and maybe you can look into grandparent rights?
    I wish you and your son the best and I hope you keep us updated.
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  8. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your support. Verdict will be out in a week.
  9. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    The verdict came in and his rights have been terminated. He went in and asked for a postponement until he could afford an attorney and they denied and made him represent himself said he had plenty of notice. So basically he tried to defend himself against 2 lawyers and a lot of evidence some not true. When he got it first call to mom. can you pay for a lawyer to appeal? I hate that this is happening but it is like throwing good money after bad. I am not sure an appeal will work as nothing has really changed that he can prove. She has worked things out in such a way that she used his court history against him and the fact that she would allow no contact to make it seem like he didnt try. There were times that he didn't. I am very torn about this whole thing. I would like him to be able to have contact but i am unwilling to bankrupt myself .
  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I was a foster parent and adopted three. It is not uncommon for drug abusers and felons to lose parental rights. In fact it is representative of the kids who are in foster care. It is not that hard for the more functional parent to get this accomplished if the Judge considers the other parent unfit. I have been at many hearings with bio. parents. The "unfit" parent normally has to show extreme rehabilitation to get a second chance. A drug addict who has been in prison is not showing fitness to be a safe parent. His not trying is about not staying clean and not breaking the law. If he were law abiding and safe he would not have lost his parental rights. They only do that when they feel the parent is not able to care for a child and the parent has had time to straighten out. He must have been warned before now. They give many chances. At times I thought the parents got too many chances and still did not straighten out.

    I am sorry that your son did not do what he was told to do. I dont know if a lawyer would make any difference since legally it is the best interest of the child that is supposed to be the first consideration. It is not just about DNA or there would be no foster children.

    It is messy and a big reason we stopped doing foster care. I hope this motivates your son to straighten out. That would be one good thing.
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2019
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I feel sad for him that this has happened.

    Maybe this has touched something in him -- some bottom -- and he will recognize that he does want things, even though he has lost parental rights. I am impressed that at the end he fought for himself and his child, alone, when the deck was stacked. But the thing is, he was a day late and a dollar short. This is not your responsibility to pay for a last ditch effort.

    While he should appeal, I don't see how your paying is the right thing. He needs to find the solutions in himself, the way to turn this around. Because turning this around means turning himself around. We have seen over and over again that what we do does not work. I am very, very sorry.
  12. Pixie Dusted

    Pixie Dusted New Member

    So very true!
    We do Native American (ICWA) foster care only. A community of people decimated from drugs, alcohol, and generational suffering. Tribes have jurisdiction, and it is ridiculous how many chances parents are given and how so many kids are abused over and over.

    I wouldn't waste your money on what is most likely a lost cause. I would focus more on what your state might allow for grandparent rights. . .