difficult child d

[Woofens]

I didn't post about this when it happened... maybe I should have. Over a week ago (not sure exactly when), difficult child D called me, and asked for the title for his motorcycle. Said he could trade it for a car... so I had either Moonwolf or Mo run it up to him. I didn't think anything about it at the time. A little while later he called again, asked me if I thought he was responsible. WTH? I said that he was getting better. He then asked me if I liked a certain acquaintance. If this person annoyed me? HUH?? Well, I soon found out what it was leading up to. SO had asked this acquaintance if he would be interested in working a couple shifts a week at his gas station. difficult child D thought that we should have offered the job to him. SO had in the past had his own difficult child working for him. It didn't work out. When SO and I started talking about hiring someone part time, difficult child D never was mentioned. difficult child D took us not offering him the job as a personal attack on him, told me that he was "done with me" and that he wanted nothing more to do with me. I hung up on him. This isn't the first time he has done this, he is 18 now, and I don't need the stress. I'm tired of being the b**ch. I'm tired of hearing from my nieces how he talks about me when I'm not around. I'm tired of doing things for him to keep the peace. He asked me for gas money or parts money for his motorcycle at least a couple times a week, and if I has gas here in a can, I would give it to him. I don't have any idea how much money I gave him, but it was 10 or 20 bucks a few times a week for the past few months. There were a couple times we made deals, he would do something to earn the money. Sometimes he would hold up his end of the deal, sometimes he wouldn't. I put the temporary tag on his bike, and had SO put him and the motorcycle on our insurance. So that he could get a job.

Fast forward to last night. We took the kids trick or treating. He ignored me, like I wasn't even there. What ever. Then after SO and I got home from our Friday night date, Mo and Moonwolf showed me a Myspace bulletin he posted a few days ago.

there are so many things i'd like to ask you
Body: I'd like to be able to sit down, across a table with you, and just ask you some things.


What did I do to deserve all the things you've said?
Why is it that I was always just a paycheck to you? you said you love me, but i know you're a liar.

a couple hundred bucks a month in 'handouts to get me off your back'? a couple hundred bucks total, maybe.

I don't want to fight, i just want to know why it is that you act like i'm the f****** anti christ.

Now I know that this is directed at me, because it is almost a direct quote from a reply I posted to a thread on the WC. So he is spying on me here. I'm not sure what I have done to deserve this venom. I haven't been saying things about him. I don't run around telling everyone what an he is being. I have pretty much been ignoring the situation, figuring he would come back when he got desperate for money. I had already decided that I wasn't going to help him anymore. Detachment, ya know. I can't help him anymore. Nothing I do is good enough. I'm tired of trying to buy his love. SO and I talked last night, and the insurance on his bike expires on Nov 2. SO had already made the decision to not renew it. SO made that decision on his own. I actually brought it up because I didn't want to keep the insurance on it with the way he was treating me, but SO had already talked to the insurance agent about not renewing it. As for the job we offered someone else instead of him, SO didn't offer him the job for a couple reasons. He didn't believe that difficult child D was responsible enough for the job, and a couple years ago, difficult child D was cutting grass for SO on the weekends. He just started not showing up, never said a word to SO about it. SO didn't feel he could count on difficult child D to show up for his shifts at the station because of that.

I tried to help him. I tried to keep him in school. I tried to help him get his bike legal so he could get a job. All the while, he was talking behind my back telling everyone what a b**ch I am. I'm tired of being the bad guy. Am I wrong in just wanting to detach from him? I just don't know anymore. I don't need this stress. I have enough on my plate without this adding to it. He obviously knows that I'm pregnant, since he knows what I'm posting here. Its also obvious to me that he doesn't care. That is his right. I didn't expect him to be happy about it.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. I know that some of you have had to detach from your G'sFG. Am I wrong in washing my hands of this?

Hugs,
Jan

 

[mstang67chic]

Are you wrong? Nope, not at all. It seems he only comes around when he needs something. He's only nice when he wants something from you and he think he should get things just because he's your son. Well sorry but it doesn't work like that. It sounds like you have been more than helpful for him and if he can't see his way to being appreciative and respectful, then he can do for himself. He's 18 and (sounds like) not living at home. He can figure things out for himself. If, at some point, he decides that he can be civil, respectful and hold up his end of responsibilities....feel free to help him out in whatever you deem appropriate. Until then.....sounds like you're on the right track. Just because he's your son doesn't mean he's entitled to every single thing he wants from you. He's a big boy and in the real world. Here in the real world, if we want something, we have to work for it. He needs to learn that.

Hugs.

 

[witzend]

It sounds as though he is gasping the last gasps of a spoiled little boy. For me and M, it just made it that much easier to detach from him when I realized that he was still trying to engage me with his long distance poison. When he realizes that you are not going to react, he will give it up, I think. I think that the best answer, if he deserves one at all, is something along the lines of "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry that you haven't been able to move on with your own life." This is all on him, and a child who blames you for his problems (you're giving him money, or am I misunderstanding the "hundred dollars a month" statement?) really isn't deserving of the blood sweat and tears it takes to be hurt by his spoiled brat vitriol.

 

[Woofens]

Thanks to you both. Its been a rough 24 hours. I thought I was doing the right thing, but hearing it from someone else helps.

I have been giving him money... not sure how much, but a good bit. Pretty much every time he asked for it. I bought him parts for his bikes, gas money, expensive shoes... pretty much what ever he asked for, if it was possible.

He hasn't lived here for a couple years, he lives with my mom.

Its just a mess. I hope that he can get his life straight, get a job, go to college. I need to detach from him. I know that his dad and I both did some things that probably contributed to his behavior, but I have tried to make it better. I can't do it anymore, not when all I get in return is grief.

Thanks again

Hugs
Jan

 

[susiestar]

I think detachment is probably the best road you can take. Responses other than the ones Witz posted will only engage you in his conflama.

As long as you are giving him money and parts and things, he is going to continue to abuse you - he will somehow talk himself into the poor pity me game. Time to stop giving him anything, and back away from the relationship until he can be respectful and appropriate around you.

I am sorry. THis is hard under any circumstances. But having to cope with this and the hormones of pregnancy, that is a triple whammy. Sending gentle hugs.

 

[mom_to_3]

Are you doing the right thing??? Yep. It's time for him to put on his big boy pants and act like a man. Right now, it doesn't matter that you feel you may have done something to contribute to his life situation or not. He needs to own his own life and take it where HE wants it to go. I would not support anyone in ANY way if they were even one iota disrespectable towards me. Why would you do that? I also wouldn't be bullied or guilted into it, that is so childish on his part. Take a deep breath, hold up your head and march on!