difficult child, gparents, meltdown

[nvts]

Why not bring it down to basics? When he's calm ask him one simple question:

"Honey, when I told you that the gp's were coming for a visit, what was the very first thing that you felt?"

Don't look for an explanation - find a word - fear, anger, frustration, guilt, confusion, what? If it's anything short of happy, excited, joyous, a little nervous, tell the gp's that it's not a good idea. For now, I don't think that he should or maybe even could validate why he's feeling these things. I think he just needs you to understand what he doesn't understand. As he sees you accept his feelings as just that - feelings, he'll open up more.

I've said in other posts: guilt is a useless emotion unless you're using it on someone else to get what YOU want! I say that with tongue in cheek, but to a degree, it's true.

Honestly, you need to take a long, hard look at who the person is here who should be feeling guilty. GPa was abusive to you and to difficult child. When kids (you and difficult child) are abused at a young age, they're made to feel that THEY were the guilty party and the reaction gets justified by the person being abusive. THAT'S why you keep feeling guilty - even though YOU'RE only trying to please EVERYONE ELSE!!! You have been conditioned to accept guilt for things that weren't your fault.

Let difficult child answer the question. Tell mom & dad "sorry" maybe another time, then give difficult child the website for "Fixing Drywall" instructions and make a quick run to Home Depot. Then let him know that you want him to think about the "question" every time he starts to feel stressed OR get a job at the Home Depot!

We're with you kid! Hug difficult child from all of his cyber Aunties and we hope that he's feeling better!

me

 

[Fran]

Steely, my difficult child just returned home on Monday. I haven't found a facility that can give difficult child the freedoms he needs to grow and the supports that difficult child needs in his areas of weakness. It seems it goes one or the other in terms of facilities.
Add that difficult child is very verbal and argumentative and the regular staff isn't anxious to befriend him.
We will look at the county where we live to see what services he can be a part of.

Where you are there is county services for housing, vocational support etc. The list is long but get on their books so you can tap into local resources.

Much to my disappointment my son was evaluated at 21 to be disabled. He gets financial help and worked part time( very part time). He hasn't done terrific at jobs but each one is a little better.

 

[butterflydreams]

Steely, just wanted to offer you hugs.

Christy

 

[Hound dog]

Steely

If he's not seeing a therapist to deal with these issues of abuse, he needs to.

Otherwise, Honestly, and this is from someone who's been there done that. Don't push the issue. difficult child is old enough to decide what he wants his relationship with his grandparents to be. He is old enough to know how "close" he can handle. And evidently, that might not be very at this point.

Like you said, you don't have the full details. Odds are, alot was left out of the story from all parties involved. Your parents wanting to cover up, and difficult child not wanting to hurt you.

(((hugs)))

 

[Christy]

Sending hugs to you. It is smart not to push your son if he is not ready to see them now (or ever). If you are able to maintain a relationship with them outside of the home, it is probably best for everyone. You were smart to pick up on the cuase of his stress.

 

[witzend]

Could it be that you are little bit right on all counts? Maybe he is upset by your parents, sad about losing your sister, and having personal difficulties of his own. You have also been very unhappy at work, and he probably is aware of that. Everything all together may be more than he can handle from time to time.

I know it can all seem like "forever" at the moment, but maybe he was having a really hard day. We all have really bad days, and when we're his age, we have less practice at handling them well.

 

[totoro]

I hope he is doing better now. I am so sorry you are even having to think about this stuff. Always one more thing, Huh?
I agree with the others... the Mommy Gut most times is right on!

I know for myself when I have had to see my family, just last week My Dad... I get worked up, due to the PTSD but also having BiPolar (BP).
I find I don't even realize that is what is going on. I start by getting worked up, agitated, anxious... reactive. It usually takes husband to kind of snap me back to reality. I seriously do not realize that, for example, my Dad coming last week would get me so anxious.
I am OK... then as it gets closer, bam! Usually after the fact I can look back at how I felt and see it clearly.
It is that nervous energy, the stress inside, my head just going... I don't or can't stop and think that it may be stressing me more than is good.

Talking about it after, husband helping me see how I am acting, him telling me that it is OK to feel this way. Trying to just stop and breathe a bit. I tend to do too much at times like this, so I am trying to slow down and take a break. With teens it is much harder, much more reactionary.
Hang in there you both have been through a lot lately.

 

[Shari]

FWIW, DEX walked the line with abuse with difficult child 1. So did his bio mom. Probably crossed it more than once. And like Fran said, I know both difficult child 1 and difficult child 2 knew they could not live up to the expectations that are placed on them in certain situations.
***
I have always demanded difficult child 1 treat people respectfully regardless of their history with them. If they call, he can tell them he needs to go and cut the conversation short, but he can not hang up on them, etc. But being "respectful" doesn't mean they're welcome in your personal space. I'd let him define the relationship from here. Being 17, he's still young enough that you can sort of guide and help, but certainly old enough to know how he feels. After time, he may come around and have some sort of relationship with them, but it will have to be on his terms.
***
If you want to have them to dinner, take them out, or give difficult child movie money while you have them in. I wouldn't force this.
***
Hugs. You don't need this right now.