difficult child home visit: grade, D+

[HereWeGoAgain]

Not quite six weeks since we evicted difficult child permanently. easy child 1 has spent the night with difficult child at difficult child's girlfriend Erica's house, where she currently is squatting, three times without any major lapse on difficult child's part, although bedtime/meals/bathing are haphazard at best.

The most recent time was two nights ago. wife had to check in for an outpatient thing yesterday at 5:30 a.m., and I needed to go with her. difficult child volunteered to have easy child 1 spend the night rather than us dragging easy child 1 out of bed and along with us.

That went fine. I got wife home and resting comfortably and laid down for a couple of hours myself. Then I called Erica's to say I was coming over to get easy child 1. difficult child says, "Mom said I could stay overnight there sometime, so I can spend more time with easy child 1. Can I make it tonight?" (wife had actually said that we would consider it at some future time, not "You're invited, name a day.") I was loathe to wake up wife and verify. The upshot was, that I caved.

difficult child was a model of perfection for, oh, about three hours. Picking up behind herself, engaging with easy child 1, even unloaded the dishwasher. She gets an A for those three hours, and a big fat F for the next 21, hence the D+ overall.

I left to run some errands. easy child 1 went to play across the street. wife was sleeping. So difficult child decided to catch a nap -- out of sight, out of mind, I guess. As soon as she was asleep, easy child 1 and friend came back over to our house (they run back and forth all the time), fixed themselves chocolate milk, and spilled a big old cup all over the sofa. wife heard the commotion and being the type-A that she is when confronted with a disaster in her living room, kicked into high gear, stripping off cushion covers, spraying spot remover, blotting with paper towels, etc., all this activity being against strict medical prohibitions. Then it dawned on her, where is difficult child? So she woke up difficult child, asked her to finish cleaning up and please keep an eye on the kids, and laid back down. What does difficult child do? Sends the kids back across the street and goes back to bed, leaving piles of chocolate-milk-soaked paper towels lying on the floor.

So anyway, I could go on, but suffice it to say that difficult child regarded her visit to "spend time with easy child 1" as a free stay at the Mom-and-Pop Motel, with TV, room phone, and air conditioning, and meals, snacks, and maid service provided.

So I was thinking of the following guidelines for future "spending time with easy child 1":
- difficult child to provide own transportation.
- difficult child to spend time one-on-one with easy child 1, not sleep, watch TV, read email, or talk on phone.
- Visits to be scheduled and kept, no-shows to result in temporary suspension of visitation privileges.

Reasonable?

 

[trinityroyal]

More than reasonable.

Sorry difficult child was so irresponsible.
Trinity

 

[Suz]

How would you feel about a scheduled activity for like...2-3 hours...duration since that seems to be the limit that difficult child can be a easy child herself. They could meet at a playground...or McD's or something like that to *force* the interaction.

Suz

 

[Star*]

reasonable? yeahhhhhhhh not so much ( like Glen Beck)

I think that what she did is equivalent of dog p on the hydrant logic.

My Mother years ago (did not like my x but kept mum) sent him 2 things for Christmas at 2 different times in our 13 years of marriage -

1> a lump of coal
2> a ball cap that said if I can't eat it or screw it I pi@@ on it.

When you get down to a bare bone minimalist type of thinking? She was right (at least about my x) but it applies to such a broad spectrum of user people.

I like Sues idea of the "Situation" for spending that "QUALITY" time with easy child 1. EESH - at my house? nope. At a park, restaurant, movie where you also supervised? Yeah.

I get type A people. I worked for one high maintenance man who was A+++++ for years - his family loved me - he went home without stress from ME. I cared not for his moods and told him how life with me as his executive secretary was. I probably am an A- type A. I like what I like how I like it and I'm not a bendy straw. So if what had happened in your home happend in MY home? And I was out of the hospital? YOU CAN BET - if I still had any connections at Sea World, my kid would be on a boat, getting dropped off at some equatorial island for say - 5 years.....and then we'd talk about coming to my house to spend time (quality or otherwise) with my other kid.

It's like that relative you have in your family - probably your grandmother's sister - that ALWAYS picks up "little" momentos and pockets them, but because she's "OLD/99" everyone just overlooks her little clepto problem - because well she's going to be gone someday and then that little missing thing won't matter. When my son comes? The doors get locked, valuables if any are socked away - and Light Fingers Louis does NOT have free run of the house. He's watched like a hawk.

I'm sorry about the poor non-passing grade. Tell me - were you grading on a Bell curve or just being kind in giving her a D?

I don't know if that's a white flag or a sling blade. Some calls it a sling blade I calls it a Kaiser blade. Uh huh.

Hang in there HWGA -

But I really think it's too soon for visits in home with or without revised rules - you've HAD rules - and she once again chose to ignore them. AGAIN.

 

[witzend]

I agree with Suz and Star that there should be the opportunity for visits with easy child but at a much shorter length of time. 2 - 3 hours seems about right. But in all honesty, when it comes down to it being a short visit instead of a free night at the mom and pop luxury hotel, I'd be surprised if she actually took advantage of it.

by the way, this could so totally be L. It's really sad that they can act this way at 27. My tendency with L is to think that if when asked to take care of a specific task, and if she applied herself, she could do it. Because I know that she can do it for others. Unfortunately, she's just too darned self-centered and comfortable with her role in our lives to try.