difficult child is "the worst", again

[Jena]

Steely i'm sorry i know this has been so very hard on you, and your hopes were high. I'm sorry i'm late to this, first time on today.

I just wanted to offer you some hugs, and support. You are a true warrior mom and it's ok to feel down at times, it's normal. You have been through alot with this.

((((((hugs)))))) You and M are in my thoughts

 

[meowbunny]

My daughter's calls were supervised and were only 30 minutes a week and, most of the time, were much less than that because of her attitude. It was like that until she got to her third level. Only took her a year to do that. I would get her complaints via letters and when I saw her on my monthly visits. Honestly, supervised phone calls are pretty common.

If you can, try to help Matt understand that the kids are treating him badly because they're afraid of him. It is up to him to show he is at least a little more stable. Give them time and they will forgive. There was a girl at my daughter's Residential Treatment Center (RTC) who broke one girl's arm and a staff member's nose in a rage. She also broke a window in the dead of a New England snow storm, punched holes in the walls, the whole 9 yards. She was hospitalized and allowed to return. The girls really were afraid of her but it did give her a very valuable lesson that her rages did affect others even if she had no control over them (she had some before the rage started but she refused to use her tools to help deal with her anger). I think that in the long run her having to earn back everyone's trust and truly seeing for the first time that her behavior affected others and that the rest of the world was not as forgiving as parents helped her. She did learn to walk away until she was under control no matter how provoked she was and there was no question that some of the girls went out of their way to try to provoke her -- they wanted her gone. Hopefully, Matt will learn this skill while he is there. It may be the greatest tool he takes away from any place he is in.

Hon, they haven't said they're giving up on Matt. Actually, it seems like they're saying the exact opposite. Even though they have some real fears, they're working with him and trying to help him. Hopefully, the docs will find the right medication mix to help him.

There was a time or two that I was extremely dissatisfied at what was going on with my daughter. One was when her therapist wasn't returning my calls. I called the director of the school and seriously vented. Amazingly, the therapist called me the next day. So, if you can't get the answers you need, don't hesitate to skip a few steps and go right to the top. Many of these places really aren't used to parents who are actively involved.

Sorry, I keep doing these long posts to you, but it is just that I do understand some of your pain and frustration and I'm hoping I'm helping a little. HUGS

 

[Steely]

rotsne..........your perspective is the one that I have been worried about the most. The man that "bent the pipe in his suicide" actually lived a couple of miles from me. It was on the news forever in 1994. Through researching your last post, that place you mentioned is distantly affiliated with the place my son is in. I do say, distantly, but yet, connected. After much research, I do believe there is not that level of neglience in any way shape or form with the place Matt is in. None the less, the fact I have not seen or really "talked" to him one on one in 2 months concerns me greatly. Things have changed greatly since 1994, but I am still pretty concerned because I am just that kinda mom. I have sent him envelopes and stamps - I hope he uses them - to tell me the truth.

Meow, I hear you, except you got to see your daughter once a month. I have nothing here, except knowing he is in about 10 feet of snow with more coming, and apparently he needs a lot of snow gear in order to live where he is living. It is on it's way. How would I know, living in Dallas? And how much more money do I spend here? Cr@p, maybe Matt should just move home. Truthfully when he was here it was much less stressful for me than this. But I want him to have a life. And here he did not.

 

[klmno]

Steely- hang on- I don't know how much faith you, or even I, can put in my insticts anymore, but my "board-auntie" vibes tell me that a turning point of some sorts is coming with M. I really have that gut feeling. Now, I don't know if it means he'll reach a turning point or something is going to happen that the place recommends something different for him or if you find something you are more comfortable with for him, but I can't see this lasting a long time the way things are going. Either he makes a change, they make a change, or you change the fact that he is there. That's my wierd vision for this situation!

 

[Rotsne]

Yes things have changed a lot for the better. People learn. Maybe thats why they never have fixed the pipe so they can pass it every day reminding themselves of why they have to be so much better. Imaging to live with that as a staff. It is just one of those things which must never happen.

When I spoke with my colleague we talked about two cases. He worked for the government which was in charge with regulations of group homes. After a similar loss in Syracuse - Utah they removed every single furniture which could be used wrongly. Even the bathrooms were modified. They could have learned something up in Thompson Falls in Montana but unfortunately nothing was changed and it was a tragedy. The latest official one in Utah (There was an unofficial in a wilderness program) was believed manipulation which turned out to be a stomach infection. Unfortunately the nature of this specific kind of facility in Draper don't allow precausions to be made in order to avoid it in the future. They were cleared of wrongdoing.

The 1990's were a decade with hard lessons taught with loss of lives. It is those lessons which should turn out to be a life saver for your child. I will send you a lot of hugs.

 

[meowbunny]

Steely, to see my daughter once a month, I had to drive 3 hours one way to the airport from home; fly from the Pacific Northwest to New England; drive for 4 hours up a mountain; and then return. We don't want to discuss the cost. What would kill me was to get there and end up leaving 30 minutes later because my daughter opted to be a bvtch and/or a brat.

There was a month when I couldn't fly up when she was still on supervised calls. I made arrangements with the director that she would be allowed 5 minutes of private time if she asked for it. That way, I felt she had a needed safety plan in place if needed. The rules were it could not be for general griping but had to be for very specific things happening to her. She did complain once about being abused by another girl. After talking to staff and my daughter a few times the following day, it turned out my daughter had a cold and was snoring. The other girl threw a pillow at her. Sometimes you really do have to investigate thoroughly to get all the facts but do make sure Matt has a way to talk to you in private (maybe in the director's office by request) if he feels he is in danger. If nothing else, it will help you to cope better.

I do understand you want him home, especially during the holidays. It hurts to be away from our kids. It hurts that someone else is trying to help them because we somehow failed. Everything about having our kids in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) hurts. But it may just be the thing that saves him. I know I didn't like everything my daughter's Residential Treatment Center (RTC) did for consequences or even all of their rules but I svcked it in and let them do their job. Only once during her stay did I flat out say I would not follow their rules and that I expected there to be no repercussions against her for this. It was my decision, not hers. But it wasn't easy. There were times I wanted to bring her home and protect her from her peers, the staff, the rules. They just didn't seem fair or right sometimes, but they did help her. Maybe not as much as I had hoped, but more than I could help her at home.

One thing I did do to stop myself from bringing her home is make a list of exactly why I had sent her there. I would look at that list and ask myself if I really could help her at home with these issues and did I think her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was in fact helping with them. It truly did stop me a few times.