difficult child psychiatric hospital update

[GuideMe]

Without getting into too long of a story, difficult child finally called me today from psychiatric hospital after not wanting to speak to me, having so much anger against me and telling the doctors what a horrible, horrible mother I am. Which you know what, I was not a great mom, it was out of my control. I wish I could have been better and given my child what she truly deserved, peace, stability, no chaos or dysfunction, a happy home and an emotionally stable mother, but unfortunately being a young single broken mom with lots of issues myself, I could not. She has witnessed too many things and been through too many things. I get why she is so angry with me and life in general, I just WISH she knew that if I had the money, a good father figure for her, stability, emotional health and all of that, I would have GIVEN it to her in a heart beat. It's not like I purposely withheld all of that. I tried so desperately hard for so many years, killed myself trying, to give all of this to her, what she deserved, only to come to reality, it was never, ever going to happen. No matter how hard I worked, we were never going to get ahead. I could not do it all by myself, and that my friends, was the bottom line. I never did drugs or party or drink. I was not a thief or a scoundrel. I tried so HARD to achieve my dream for her and I, but I failed. I also simply had very bad luck. I don't expect her to understand it, she's too young, but I hope one day that she does. I just wish I had one of those kids who understand their mothers hard time and are sweet and gentle with them in spite of everything. I know kids like this, I've met them through out my life. The kids that no matter how f***** up their parents are, they love, respect and cherish them. You know those kids right? Man, those parents are so very lucky. Those parents who purposely do bad and wrong things, get all the love from their kids, and then there is me, the one who tried her very best, but failed, and I get all the hate and anger.

Anyway, back to my point, difficult child finally called me. She was in a better mood, however, this is what confuses me. At the drop of a hat, she will change her mood drastically. She asked if any of her friends called her and then she asked about this guy, this guy who I thought was out of her life, this guy who is a PIECE OF UTTER DIRT SH*T!!!! She had the nerve to ask me about him. She said "Did John call you?" No, why the hell would John call me?? I think it's because she has been telling him all of our problems and maybe she half expected him to call me being as though she disappeared. I dare that piece of to call me. PLEASE, let HIM call ME. I am half temped to call my brother and let him get him but I worry about consequences. This might make this kid worse off to my daughter who will in the end, see him regardless.

How should I have handled that phone call? I told her yes her friends did call and no, john did not call. I wanted to say "are you stuck on STUPID??? This is what your worried about????'" It makes me so damn mad man. It's back to square one. I am tired of being used and only being nice to what she wants something. It just shows how little respect she has for me. If her psychiatrist calls me again, I want to talk to her about this.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[SuZir]

She is an official adult and apparently really wants to make her own mistakes so you have no other option than let her.

Do not get involved on her drama. It is difficult but it is healthier for you both. If she asks your advice, well, they are cheap to give, but trying to make her see reason likely makes her just more bullheaded about being unreasonable.

Keep your focus on solving a living situation thing, let her take care about her social life.

I'm sure you did your very best to give her everything one can wish when she was young. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. She is too immature to see that yet. Someday she likely will. And this probably doesn't make you feel better, but those kids who cherish their crappy parents? They are even more screwed up than your daughter. It doesn't show yet, but it is worse not to recognize dysfunctional childhood situation than to be a squeaky wheel from early on.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Oh boy. First, take a DEEP BREATH -- right now .. in, out. OK?

Second, reassure yourself that you did the best you could raising her,and all your decisions were made with her best interests at heart, with the knowledge and resources you had at the time. I was a single mom too, raised two difficult children by myself .. and I absolutely know the guilt trip you're getting right now. Been there, and know that feeling that nothing you ever did, or ever will do, is ever good enough for her. Because of that, please know that you do NOT need to defend any of your choices to her -- and don't buy into the guilt trip/pity party. Even if you did make some mistakes (and we all do), she's an adult now, and what she does with her life now is up to her. She can't lay her *current* choices at your feet, no matter what you did or did not do in the past .. she's making life choices for herself now. I used to say, "well, if I screwed you up so badly, I'm certainly glad you're getting help now!" (or, "hope you'll get help," as the case may be).

Third, it's really really hard, but try not to worry about what she's telling people. I know how much this used to drive me nuts ... I just knew my girls were weaving all sorts of crazy stories about what a horrible mom I was, and I was SO worried the counselors (or other well-meaning adults) would believe them, and I wanted desperately to jump in and tell them MY side of the story .. but in the end, it doesn't matter. It's out of your control. YOU know the truth, and those who matter know too. And eventually, people stop believing them.

I'd try as best you can to stay out of the friend drama. As tempting as it is to tell her she's an idiot (been there done that, too), know that it will fall on deaf ears. I used to beg my youngest to stop dating this loser/abuser guy - but the more I told her what a loser he was, the more I pushed her towards him. Heck I even moved out of the neighborhood to get away from him. Didn't matter. She had to figure it out in her own time. When she asks, just give simple answers -- yes, no. Don't add any judgment, opinion or commentary. Stay as detached as you can.

I can't remember if you're seeing a counselor for yourself (and forgive me if you've already answered this) but I strongly urge you to find one if you can. I honestly don't think I could have made it through the toughest years without the help of mine. If it's a matter of cost, check into free support groups through NAMI or other organizations.

Hang in there!

 

[BusynMember]

GuideMe, I read your message.

With what I know, you were the best mother you could be and did everything you could have. Did you make mistakes? Did all of us? The answer is yes. No manual comes with the child and some k ids are easier than others, temperment-wise. You do not deserve this abuse from her and if my own kid started blasting me, he'd get a big fat hang up. Would he be mad? Yes. Hate me more? Maybe at the time. My son is older than your daughter and sees more now (and your daughter will grow up too). My son is almost as old as you, although much less mature, but you know that time gives you lots of insight you didn't have when you were younger.

If you don't stop the guilt, you will end up sick yourself. You are not the only person whose chldren's had hardships. TRUST ME. And some parents here are still intact couples who never divorced and had that picture perfect family...yet here they are. There is no guaranteed playbook for raising a child who loves you, loves herself, or does well in life.

You know, GM, you don't have to listen to anybody abuse you. I once listened to all the abuse and somewhere in my 40's something snapped and I said to myself, "NO MORE! NO MORE OF THIS ****!" And that started my journey to sanity. We are all worthy of respect. If treated in a bad way, we did not deserve it, especially as children. I had abusive parents and was the family blacksheep. Everything was my fault. It took me a long time to realize that THEY were the sick ones. Yes, I was sick too from years and years of abuse...but I was also the only one who did the hard work on myself to get so much better. You can do this too.

I think CrazyinVa gave you good advice. Let her handle her own drama. And develop rino skin, a term that I remember with fondness from days long ago when I first came to this site. rino skin means you do not care what other people hear about you or think about you, especially the strangers a difficult child trash talks you to. I am at an advatage that I never did care much what anyone thought about me, unless I loved them, but I am even more detached from the opinions of strangers now. I define a stranger as anyone who does not know me intimately, like my husband and children and one close friend. Of course those who truly love and respect you, they would not abuse you. The respect part is important. I know 36 loves me. The respect issue is getting better as I assert my rights as a living human being who demands respect from him or I hang up the phone. And I advise you to do the same. If your daughter starts trying to hurt you, hang up. Tell her in advance that if she is verbally abusive you will hang up so that she knows and can choose not to be verbally abusive. Then, at the first sign of disrespect/abuse, gently hang up.

In spite of your fears for her, do not let her move back into your home. She is a threat to you. Take out a restraining order on her. Lil gave you sound advice. I believe (sorry if I'm wrong, Lil) that Lil is a lawyer and would know the best thing to do to protect yourself in the legal sense. Your daughter can get help in the community. She doesn't have to live with family to get help. And she needs it.

GM, I was going to post (and will post) a descritpion of borderline personality disorder. Many, many of the female difficult children in this world have borderline personality disorder, although a psychiatrist would need to know the person a long time before diagnosing it. They are good at hiding it at first. This may be what you are dealing with...a borderline who is not at all invested in changing or who is not willing to admit her behavior is her own responsiblity. This is not the same sort of mental health issue as bipolar or schizophrenia. These adults are very much in touch with reality and know the consequences of their actions. They are often hurtful, very horrible people unless they truly want to get better and are willing to invest time, hard work, and more time into something such as dialectal behavioral therapy. Ok, I am going to post a link that describes borderline personality disorder. I heard that the new DSM that just came out calls it Emotional Dysregulation Disorder, which surely describes it better, but I'm not sure. I am also posting an Amazon book that explains borderline in more detail, just in case you see your daughter in the explanation and wish to explore it more. It is not caused by bad parenting and the newest psychiatric minds believe it has a genetic link. I was thinking of your ex and other members of your family who are not adverse to hurting others. I have a difficult family too, what little there is of them.

Ok, links coming:

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-...ality-disorder/basics/definition/con-20023204 (this link is very reassuring and calm and it is brought to you by Mayo Clinic in Minnesota, one of the very best medical facilities in our country. The second page explains the symptoms the most. I had to fight borderline traits as a younger person. I am happy to say that, since I did try so hard, I never feel empty or alone anymore, don't self-help, and when I do think about suicide I never act on it. I just do my coping skills to get out of it. IT IS TREATABLE, but it takes hard work and it is very hard for anyone who lives with a true 100% borderline to walk on eggshells constantly and, yes, sometimes they can get violent. I did not get violent with people. I did break things sometimes, usually when I was alone. Ok, next is the book. It's a great, hopeful book!!)

This awesome book and the true story of this woman who is a heroine to me is a wonderful five-star read. She reminds me a lot of myself about how she didn't quit until she got on with her life, shedding most of her borderline and doesn't even have the traits anymore (I don't either). This book will make you, or anyone with a borderline daughter, understand that there are ways to change your behavior through learning to cope and to think differently.

Never quit on yourself, no matter what your daughter says to you. She isn't telling the truth. I don't know what color your hair is but pretend it's blond. It she screams at you that you have black hair, does that make it black? No.If sh e calls you selfish or a bad parent and you aren't, and I don't think you are, it doesn't make you a bad parent either. Her words do not equal the truth.

Take care of yourself. Keep in touch. Please Don't think you are the only one who goes through this either.

 

[Bertmery]

(this link is very reassuring and calm and it is brought to you by Mayo Clinic in Minnesota, one of the very best medical facilities in our country.

Thank you for this good reads, this is what i need right now. ( can't post the link since i did not meet the requirements yet.)

 

[GuideMe]

thank you so much everybody, I read your words over and over. I am so glad I have this group

 

[recoveringenabler]

GM, you've been given such good support. I just want you to know I'm here too, reading along, sending you warm wishes and hugs..........hang on, breathe deeply, take care of you and keep posting..............

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I am tired of being used

This is a very good beginning for you, Guide Me.

It takes a long time for us to see the real patterns in our families. And when we do, it breaks our hearts and so, we try so hard to fix, to apologize, to make up for or make better. But we are looking from the wrong perspective, I think. We are seeing things from the perspective of the responsible parent. Surely it was this, that, or the next person, place, or thing I did or did not do that made it impossible for poor, angelic difficult child to meet his or her potential.

But as the years pass and the difficult child continues to act out to the point that even we see it for what it is, then we have to work really hard to let go of what we did to create the situation for difficult child, and begin to really look at...the difficult child.

I did not teach my children to do what they do.

Boy, did I not teach my children to do what they do.

That is a huge step for me. To believe that I did not, some magical somehow, teach my kids the exact opposite of what I'd hoped to teach them.

I was so sure it was my fault.

I am the mother.

And then, really dimly at first, and with much shock and turning away and wondering what kind of mother are we, anyway...we get it that our difficult child isn't normal.

And that feels like we are betraying the child we somehow managed to raise so poorly that they are having all these terrible problems and cannot, somehow, in the midst of the chaos and rescuing and crashing and burning again, manage to keep a civil tongue in their heads when they are talking to us.

It is almost impossibly hard to see what is for what it is without berating ourselves. But that is what we are here on the site to learn.

How to do this impossible thing.

You have taken the first step, Guide Me.

To see ourselves as being used instead of seeing ourselves as responsible for the words or actions of another adult ~ that is a huge first step.

***

You posted about your difficult children current actions and attitudes possibly being related to her upbringing.... MWM alluded to moms here on the site, posting away from the depths of Guilt City, who supposedly did the "right" things, and still find themselves right here on the site.

One of them is me.

My children had a stable home life. Not tons of money, but we did alright. Not a perfect family life, but again, we did all right.

I am one of the moms who has been married for over forty years to the same man, who is the father of both my children. I was never married to anyone else. I have no other children. I was a mom at home. I did Brownies, Cubs, Great Books, PTA and blah, blah, blah.

We lived in the same neighborhood for something like twenty years. In a house we'd built when the kids were just babies.

And here I am, posting away, and have been forever, it seems.

I can't figure out what I did wrong, either.

But here is an interesting story:

Because treatment/treatment/treatment only made difficult child daughter worse, we did not want difficult child son in treatment until 1) we finally got it that the problem was drugs, and not what happened with his sister and 2) we had already tried everything else.

He was old enough then to refuse, and he did.

So we dug him out ourselves and of course, that did not work.

As the years went on and we kept trying to figure out how we had managed to mess our children up to this degree, we realized the thing we had considered but hadn't done was military school.

Boy, did we kick ourselves in the pants over that one.

And then, another mom came onto the site?

And she was sure her child was having the problems he was having because she did put him in military school!

So...there seem to be no hard and fast answers, except that whatever we do, the difficult child somehow manages not to get better, or succeed, or graduate.

Or manage to keep a civil tongue in their heads when talking to their own mothers.

Which is really starting to bug me about difficult child son.

I must be getting better.

:O)

Cedar

 

[GuideMe]

Thank you Cedar <3