difficult child slipped already

[rejectedmom]

OK here it is in a nutshell. difficult child got out of prison shortly before Thanksgiving. He is in a good program with housing living real close by. He has creditors after him for his manic spending last time he was out and we offered to help him pay the bills by letting him do difficult chores here under our supervision. husband told him the plan when I was out of the room and all I was privy to when I joined the conversation was that difficult child had been told we wouldlet him work off the bill. difficult child left here to have lunch at the program residence and then will meet with his AA sponsor.

Only then does my husband tell me that difficult child has slipped and his PO has told him that one more episode and he is to be sent back to prison. Well I'm miffed because I only came up with the plan to help difficult child with his bills because I thought he was doing good. Now I find out that he is not and husband has already given him the plan and the hope of climbing out from under the weight of his past indiscretions. I told husband that I wouldn't have made the offer if I had known about the drinking episode and husband tells me to call difficult child and tell him the deal is off if I want to. So husband doesn't inform me of new developements, lays out the program as he and I talked about when we both thought difficult child was doing well, and now that I have misgivings due to the new information I am to be the heavy and tell difficult child the deal is off. ARG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The bill I am supposed to pay and let difficult child work off is for almost $500. Not sure what to do as I only wanted to help difficult child out because I thought he was helping himself. In light of the new information I am wondering if I go ahead with the plan am I now enabling him? It is a "do to get" set up but I need to pay the bill up frount or difficult child will be taken to court immediately. Thoughts comments and ideas are welcome as long as they do not involve doing harm to my husband. LOL -RM

 

[hearts and roses]

What a cruddy situation. I would feel as you do. Not sure what to tell you, however, as these types of situations with H/difficult child have never worked out so well in the past.

I suppose I would go ahead with the offer/deal but let difficult child know that had you known in advance you would not have so readily agreed - just so he knows it's bigger than just a favor or nice thing you're doing for him. Not that it would do much good, but I think he should know on some level that you not only are aware of his slip up but are very disappointed. Then you just get on with it.

Best of luck with whatever you decide - I'm sure there are others on here who would take a harder action with difficult child and completely withdraw the offer and not care about being the heavy. I don't think any one of us can tell another how to react. What is your gut telling you?

 

[Suz]

Thoughts comments and ideas are welcome as long as they do not involve doing harm to my husband.

I don't think it really matters what you do but I think you and husband need to make the decision together. If you decide to go ahead and pay the bill, so be it. If you decide to recind the offer, then husband should be the one to tell your son about the change. No way should you be put in the position of being the bad guy.

I think your husband will only learn to work with you as a team, if he's forced to take responsibility of being a team member- good and bad.

Suz

 

[standswithcourage]

I agreed with Suz! For what it is worth!

 

[rejectedmom]

husband is not a team player especially when he screws up. When that happens he goes on the defensive and tells me that I should just do things myself cause he can't ever do things right... bla bla bla. After 36 years of his blustering everytime I try to point out a better way of handling things I know and accept that he will not change. I still speak my mind but I know it falls on deaf ears. He is a narcissistwhich means he is never wrong, always misunderstood, Joe nice guy to the world and somwhat less than that to me. I have long ago given up on him.

In order to move on I just droped it and got to thinking about how to best get some work out of difficult child before he once again gets something for nothing.

I thoought about it and came up with a few ideas and talked to husband about them. We decided that instead of a bunch of little chores we would just have difficult child strip the paint off the carriage house to ready it for fresh paint in the spring. This way he is not in my house and he can get it done in about a week and maybe I won't end up with nothing to show for my efforts at helping him. I will also tell him that if he stays out of trouble he can have the job of painting it later on in exchange for more debt reversal. This way difficult child has something to work toward after this chore is done. -RM

 

[Suz]

That sounds like a good plan, RM. I would not pay a penny until the job is completed to insure it will be done.

Suz

 

[Star*]

RM,

Ugh - well ya had me up until you said - NO harm to husband. (bwah ha haaaH)

I have a policy about money. It's saved me a lot of heartache over the years, but it's a difficult thing to make into a habit. BECAUSE - it's money.

However - I never "loan" money without a written contract. Ever. If you ask me for money and I "give" it to you - it's because I never expect to be repaid. If I am repaid then good for us both. In the future I MAY "loan" you more. If I don't get it back - it's a lesson learned.

With my son? I give him money. I gave him money to get out of jail - I "loaned" him money for probation. I have a piece of paper and he has a balance. I wrote it out, I wrote out that certain chores = $ off his loan. So far he's been about 50/50 on doing the chores. That means when it comes time for probation, since he has been having trouble finding a job? I'm not giving him money. The catch? If he doesn't go to probation with money - he goes to a work camp. THAT hanging over your head is a lot worse than Mom being jilted out of a few hundred bucks. ESPECIALLY if you're a difficult child.

recently he's taking some broken radios, vacuum cleaners and fixing them for cash for probation. He gets the broken things free from community service.....so at least he's thinking. And earning it on his own. So far he has only gotten $40 that we haven't gottent he work out of him for. It's written down - BUT ......with this new found way to make his own money and not have to "kill himself working at his parents" (bwah hah ha again) I'm not sure I'll ever see it. I'm not holding my breath either.

I dont' know where your son is in the process of all of this - but I know that if he thinks that Mom will BAIL him out - he's less likely to be concerned about paying you back - I think Suz had a good idea.

As far as him drinking? One day at a time Momma - HUGS. God Grant YOU the serenity too.

Star

 

[everywoman]

Unless you told him ahead of time that the deal was off for any infraction, I would go ahead with the deal. It's better to give a big job rather than small little jobs. Less to keep track of. There will be natural consequences if he continues to drink. You don't have to be the "heavy" anymore---let probabtion do it's job---and concentrate on being his mom. It will make you feel so much better!!

 

[rejectedmom]

Star, I like the idea of a contract and I will have him sign it but as you said it really doesn't hold alot of weight with a difficult child. Expecially a difficult child who is always looking to get around the rules.

Everywoman, No conditions of obeying probation were in the agreement, so you are right. I do not have to be the enforcer.

Thanks -RM

 

[Star*]

Ugh - I'm there with you - I HATE being the outside the jail police.

Maybe if someone had given me a badge..........

(We don' need no stinking badges)

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Everything that needed to be said, has been said.

Just sending my support.