difficult child still not doing well (update call with CW )

[rejectedmom]

HH, The fact that they do know right from wrong makes it so much harder for us and for them when they do end up in the penal system. And yes each case is different. You are talking from a personal perspective. I am talking about a societal perspective. You are a victim of your son's actions just as I was and many of the others here at CD.com have been. After spending many years raising up our difficult child's, After watching them throw out all that we have taught and given. After watching them destroy our lives our families and our health, we do need to detach. But if they are mentally ill another support system has to kick in. If they end up in the penal system they should not be dealt with more harshly than if they were not ill. They should not be given poor mental heath care or no mental health care at all. Their entrance into the penal system could be utilized to enforce good mental health care upon them. society should not be warehousing the mentally ill and releasing them when their time is up without interventions. Yet that is what is happening and the recidivism is statistically higher than for the non mentally ill.

My son was recently up for parole. I was told that if I was willing to take him under my roof he could get out. Well that was a heck of a thing. He has had no real program of rehabilitation, no counseling to speak of, no anger management, no drug intervention other than enforced abstinence, no life skills training, no job training, nothing! yet the PO tried to make me whose rib he broke feel guilty and take responsibility for him? She gives me the choice to either take him back under my roof or let him rot in prison? NO to either! I did not take him back but I am working hard to get all kinds of supports in place for when he get out. I can do that and still be detached but it is not easy.

The bottom line is that I shouldn't have to be doing this. It should be automatic. My difficult child is not capable of doing this for himself and if I was not here and still willing to work from an administrative capacity he would undoubtedly fail and end up right back in prison. He still might but at least he will have a fighting chance.

by the way my son is in jail for a parole violation that was in essence a 20 minute trip to Walmart. He has been there for almost a year. His total time served counting the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is eighteen months. He had the least serious charges against him than all involved in the initial burglary. They were all out of prison within four months. My son would be out if I hadn't tried to get treatment for him. How is that for irony? -RM

 

[Scent of Cedar I]

I'm sorry, RM.

I can hear the pain and sense of helplessness so clearly in your last post.

All along, you have struggled to know the right thing, the best thing, and then you have done your best for your son.

But we cannot do it for them.

Barbara

 

[rejectedmom]

No Barbara we cannot do it for them. I do not feel helpless though just frustrated that I have been fighting systems for so many years and still not much has changed. first it was the foster care system and the medicare system and then the school system and then the judicial system and now the penal system. I've been wading through buracratic quagmires for thirty years and nothing has changed. Still I have to push and push and push just to get people to do their job. I am tired of hearing about their huge work load. I am tired of hearing that the system grinds away at a snail's pace. The workers do not seem to realize that every hour they procrastinate on writing a report or making that appointment or picking up the phone is another week of incarceration for the person on the wait. At least my son has a compassionate and knowledgeable case worker. I am glad for that but he too has a tendancey to let things get buried for a while. But at least when I call he returns the call in a timely manner. At least he does exactly what he says he is going to do. At least he cares. That is so much more than most that I dealt with. -RM

 

[Sunlight]

just want to you know I read your every word and pray for your son to get help soon. I sympathize and feel like the silent majority as well.

 

[rejectedmom]

Thank you Janet. I do the same for you. -RM

 

[rejectedmom]

Caseworker returned my call he says that there does not apper to be any spots opening up in the near future. He took down my request for a complete neuropsychologist and why I thought it was important. He also said that PO has not returned his calls. husband and I will discuss the possibility of persuing this from a legal standpoint on this weekend comming. We are afraid that difficult child is going to snap soon and do something rash and harmful to himself. I ordered books for him from Amazon and they should be delivered this week. Hopefully that will bouy up his spirits a little. -RM

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

Really sorry things are going so poorly for him, and I hope and pray that nothing bad happens. I agree with you about the system failing so many people.

 

[DDD]

I've read all of this thread and I have nothing to offer except my sincere hope that some miracle happens. I have spent over
forty years advocating for children in need and working as a human rights activist in my State. Although I know that some people have actually benefited from that effort, the vast majority are no better off than if I'd stayed home reading trash
novels. Even "fighting the system" for strangers is exhausting.
When we have to be daily Warrior Moms too, it just finally saps
your strength and it becomes an endurance contest.

"Ignorance is bliss"...I didn't understand that when I was young.

Now, I know about the "system" and I wish I didn't.

Sending supportive hugs and thoughts as always. DDD

 

[Sunlight]

ant liked a book called Don't Panic
someone here recommended it and I had it sent to him when he was in jail.

God bless and speed your path as you search for help for your son.

 

[hearthope]

Sorry RM, my thoughts are with you and your son. Thinking of you also as you and husband make decisions regarding what direction to take in legal pursuit.

 

[Merris]

RM - all I can say is I'm so sorry. I understand your pain and frustration. I asked my psychiatrist once if he felt that people with MH issues should be held to the same standards as others. He said no, he believes that the illness should be taken into account. If only he was "in charge".

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Call the ACLU. They'll be on this one in a second!

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

[Sunlight]

please do call your state reps and congressman's office. one of those helped me with ant by making calls and it put things in motion to get ant out of Warren CO and back into his own area.

 

[rejectedmom]

HH, Merris, Janet, thank you for your suggestions and support.

 

[witzend]

I wish I had some words of advice. Hugs are nice, and I offer mine, but they don't help a lot. I'm glad that you are able to continue to advocate for him from afar, such as it is. I hope that something will work out for him, at the very least medications wise, so that he will find it less frustrating waiting for something to happen.

 

[rejectedmom]

Witzend, well if any medications are going to work I am sure we will know by the time difficult child gets out. The prison medical staff is throwing just about everything they have at him hoping something will work. difficult child sent me a letter for my grandchildren I got it yesterday. In it he tells them he will be seeng them before the summer is over. difficult child has it in his head that he will be getting out soon. I think that is what is keeping him going. I am not going to tell him otherwise at this point. I think he is too fragile. Hopefully something wlll open up soon even though the caseworker isn't too optimistic.

While it isn't fair that all the othersfrom the initial crime are free. difficult child's sentance was 18 months or the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). That included his assault charge and all the little stuff from before the burgalary. When difficult child didn't make it through the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) program which was an 18 month program the judge gave him a new sentance of 18 months or their freedom program. difficult child didn't manage to through the freedom program either and it was only a 4 month thing. So on one hand, while difficult child is disabled and possibly incapable of doing these programs n the other hand the judge was compassionate in her sentancing.

Aside fromt he prison staff who also isn't buying into difficult child's disability (although I think they are a little more lately)it is the PO who basically told me I would be surprised at what people like my son can do when they have to. Well difficult child has to and can't so what now? From what I can tell she would like to see difficult child just rot in jail and she has fallen just a hair short of saying that. Unfortunately she is the one who has the most influence and who recommeded that he be denied parole. She hasn't bothered to work with the case manager not even returning his calls. It doesn't surprise me. She didn't return my phone calls when difficult child attempted suicide or started having sesiures. Then when I went over her head she got nasty with me and denied that I had called more than once. in my opinion She is not suited for this job and is both ignorant of the purpose of the position and moody as all get out. She has had no qualms about yelling at me in the past and seems stressed most of the time when I do speak with her. With any luck she will leave the job and difficult child wil get a better PO sometime in the future. I say that with caution and a prayer because I don't want difficult child to end up dealing with someone even worse. -RM

 

[Sunlight]

she sounds like ant's PO in his last jail's county. she was always talking in a shrill angry voice. she never returned calls and ways the gestapo. you could not get thru to her. she had zero compassion. I did go over her head to her supervisor by writing her a letter and sending a copy to him. she did not like that but at least I knew I was heard. she would say he was given every opportunity and failed. thing is many of the men failed. they were given mountains to climb and no gear.

I also told the judge what was up when it got to that point. the one thing that helped was the state reps office making phone calls.

the RTCs are full. the prisons have over worked psychiatrists with two many patients and too few visits to the jails. the social workers are compassionate but I found they could do so little. a bunch of people crying out for help...and no one person to move mountains. it was one of the mjost frustrating experiences I have ever had in the court system in that particular county.