Difficult child.

[Uncertain09?]

My child has been difficult since birth. He has a diagnosis of ODD. He dropped out of school officially in January, his second semester of 10th grade but has only an 8th grade education. I literally have done everything. Counseling. Hospital. medications. IEP. Doing his homework for him. Etc. He refuses. FF to my breaking point. Over the weekend he quit his job after throwing a fit because no one was around to drive him to work because he dialed do let anyone know he needed a ride. I offered him Uber money but he declined. So he left and went to a friends house and I haven’t seen him since Saturday.
He was allowed to get his license, but is not allowed to drive due to not being insured. Today He drove his girlfriend car, the day after an ice storm, and totaled it. I refused to pick him up from the hospital and told him he’s no longer welcome in my home. He will be 17 in July. His dad has been out of the picture since he was 6 weeks old with sporadic involvement since he was 6. I am so tired of him yelling and screaming and disrespecting me. He does nothing around the house to help me, he lives in filth in his room. Literally disgusting. Food and drinks and absolutely filthy. I’m tired. I’m drained. And now I’m financially responsible for a $200 ticket and whatever else for this girls car. Now that I’m calm. I want to call him and tell him he can come home. But I need him to learn his lesson. He thinks he’s grown and knows everything, he needs to handle this crap himself. Right?

 

[BusynMember1]

My child has been difficult since birth. He has a diagnosis of ODD. He dropped out of school officially in January, his second semester of 10th grade but has only an 8th grade education. I literally have done everything. Counseling. Hospital. medications. IEP. Doing his homework for him. Etc. He refuses. FF to my breaking point. Over the weekend he quit his job after throwing a fit because no one was around to drive him to work because he dialed do let anyone know he needed a ride. I offered him Uber money but he declined. So he left and went to a friends house and I haven’t seen him since Saturday.
He was allowed to get his license, but is not allowed to drive due to not being insured. Today He drove his girlfriend car, the day after an ice storm, and totaled it. I refused to pick him up from the hospital and told him he’s no longer welcome in my home. He will be 17 in July. His dad has been out of the picture since he was 6 weeks old with sporadic involvement since he was 6. I am so tired of him yelling and screaming and disrespecting me. He does nothing around the house to help me, he lives in filth in his room. Literally disgusting. Food and drinks and absolutely filthy. I’m tired. I’m drained. And now I’m financially responsible for a $200 ticket and whatever else for this girls car. Now that I’m calm. I want to call him and tell him he can come home. But I need him to learn his lesson. He thinks he’s grown and knows everything, he needs to handle this crap himself. Right?

Right. Or else you may still be at this when he is 35. I wish we had quit the money train and enabling bad behavior sooner. She was over 30 when we realized it was making her less independent. She was also abusive to us and we overlooked it.

Hugs

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Hi Uncertain, I feel for your pain! As he is still a minor, I guess he must come home, but if I had known what I know now, when my son was 17 and disrespecting us, we should have given him CLEAR boundaries and not tolerated it. I doubt, however that we could have done it. My mum brought me up alone, and she was quite tough - I would have had trouble convincing husband to be strict with him, as it wasn't his style!
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries... You need to get rigid and unbending. I know it's a hard thing to ask especially as you're on your own. Do you know any sargeant majors?!

 

[Copabanana]

I want to call him and tell him he can come home. But I need him to learn his lesson. He thinks he’s grown and knows everything, he needs to handle this crap himself.

I agree with Waitingforamiracle. He's 16. A minor. You're obligated to house and feed him, under most conditions. The thing that most of us learn, however, is that nothing we do or don't do will teach them a lesson if they are unwilling or indifferent to learning. But you can learn. You are the one that needs boundaries. Not that he will learn. He won't until he wants to. But you may gain control of your own space. You deserve that.

It sounds like he is not open to treatment. Or anything else except doing what he wants to do when he wants it. So it would be more money thrown down a hole, by doing more of the same. What many of us come to is that the only way through this is protecting ourselves, our belongings, and our home.

The other thing I am thinking of is involving the school. He's got an IEP. Maybe you can get some kind of a behavioral program written into his IEP. Or maybe he can be transferred away from his girlfriend, and other friends who may be poor influences. You may feel this is rash. It may be, but everything needs to be on the table. He is running wild. He needs to be curbed. (Maybe I've gone off the deep end, I don't know.) But I am sick of these kids that are on the rampage.

The girlfriend colluded with him, with the car. Who else gave him the key? He didn't steal it. I would not be so quick to take full financial responsibility. Perhaps even the parents were involved. We don't know, one way or another. I wouldn't make this easy for anybody. (Gosh, I'm sounding extreme. But I mean it.)

He can't be allowed to scream at you and abuse you with impunity. That has got to stop, whatever way you can. But it's especially difficult for a female alone. Trying to curb him may generate physical aggressivity towards you. And I raised my son alone. When he began to buck me, I would haul him into the police station or call the police to the house. And I never stopped doing it. I don't think it helped to change him but I believe it helped that it not get worse. Children should not abuse their parents!

I don't know where you live, but in the United States, there is a federal jobs program for youth called Job Corps. They take kids at 16. The sites are all over the country. It is free. They are well-supervised. It's room and board and excellent entry-level vocational training. They can finish high school there. My son went. He hated it. I loved it. I don't know the status of admissions now, due to Covid. One parent here called and there was a temporary pause, but that was already more than 6 months ago, If your child doesn't want to conform to living in your home and obeying your simple, reasonable rules, let him live there. His choice. You do have options.

All of us welcome you. We understand all too well how hard this is. There is no judgment here. Every.single.person here knows what you are up against. Every word I write comes from that place, knowing all too well how this feels.

Personally, I think your son needs to make some sort of restitution for the car. He broke the law driving that car without insurance. At least in my state, it would be breaking the law. It may well be that you are legally responsible. But that doesn't mean that you need to take away the consequence for him, in my opinion.

Best of luck to you.