difficult children, curfews, boundaries ...help!
- Thread starter dashcat
- Start date
FlowerGarden
Active Member
No curfew here. They tell me when they are going out. If they know they will not be home before they leave they tell me. If they decide to stay at someone's house after leaving, they text me. I always had a problem with hearing them coming in after I was asleep so I solved the problem with getting an air purifier for my room. It isn't loud and it muffles the noise of them moving around downstairs.
They help with things around the house and do their own laundry.
husband and I help them out with things too. We don't just have them help us. If they start a load of laundry before they go to bed, we don't mind putting it in the dryer when we get up in the morning. This way it is ready to be folded when they get up.
They help with things around the house and do their own laundry.
husband and I help them out with things too. We don't just have them help us. If they start a load of laundry before they go to bed, we don't mind putting it in the dryer when we get up in the morning. This way it is ready to be folded when they get up.
Star*
call 911........call 911
Interesting - Maybe it would be survey worthy to see how many and why adults would want a curfew or call, for adult difficult children and at what age you'd need to know or how long out of the home they'd been/returned before you'd asked for such things.
I for one - think I'd like to know if you lived in my house (period) if you were coming home - so that I didn't worry about you. At any age. DF and I have this as a standing rule --If you are not coming home -or going to be late - just call and say where you are...how late you'll be. It's common courtesy. It's not (to us) being snoopy - we just have each other and we need to know where the other is. When Dude lived here - we needed to know so we didn't stay up waiting for him worried. DIdn't care where he spent the night- but just needed to know so we could lock the door - cuz he didn't get a key to OUR house, and if you wake me up at 3:00 in the morning - you'd better be on fire - and in THAT case - call 911.
Interesting -
I for one - think I'd like to know if you lived in my house (period) if you were coming home - so that I didn't worry about you. At any age. DF and I have this as a standing rule --If you are not coming home -or going to be late - just call and say where you are...how late you'll be. It's common courtesy. It's not (to us) being snoopy - we just have each other and we need to know where the other is. When Dude lived here - we needed to know so we didn't stay up waiting for him worried. DIdn't care where he spent the night- but just needed to know so we could lock the door - cuz he didn't get a key to OUR house, and if you wake me up at 3:00 in the morning - you'd better be on fire - and in THAT case - call 911.
Interesting -
donna723
Well-Known Member
I never really had a curfew for mine either once they were out of school and working, or when my daughter was living at home while going to nursing school. I did ask that they let me know if they were going to be coming home later than usual or not coming home at all. That's not really treating them like a kid, it's just common courtesy to the ones waiting for them at home and should apply to everyone who lives there, adults included. Even when my daughter was working nights at the hospital, I couldn't sleep until I heard her car pulling in to the driveway.
Even when they were still in high school, I wasn't totally hard and fast on the curfews. I didn't want them doing 90 mph over those curvy country roads trying to make it home under the wire. I always told them that if they were going to be a few minutes late, call and let me know and I'd be cool with it. However, a "few minutes" isn't a half hour or an hour ... that's pushing their luck! And actually they both were pretty good about it and didn't abuse the privilege.
Even when they were still in high school, I wasn't totally hard and fast on the curfews. I didn't want them doing 90 mph over those curvy country roads trying to make it home under the wire. I always told them that if they were going to be a few minutes late, call and let me know and I'd be cool with it. However, a "few minutes" isn't a half hour or an hour ... that's pushing their luck! And actually they both were pretty good about it and didn't abuse the privilege.
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
I think the reason none of mine ever pushed a curfew is because we never had a set one. Ours was more of a .... you are going out tonite? Ok, where are you going? Movies and dinner? What time are you going to be home? 11...ok, see you then. That way I knew to expect them home around 11. If they werent home around 11 to start worrying. Mine never pushed it. I would worry if they werent home by 12. They would have definitely called if they could.
oldest always calls me when he leaves work to ask me if he needs to pick up something on his way home from work. I know about how long it takes him to get home. Tony carries a cell phone on his way home from work and I can always reach him.
oldest always calls me when he leaves work to ask me if he needs to pick up something on his way home from work. I know about how long it takes him to get home. Tony carries a cell phone on his way home from work and I can always reach him.
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dashcat
Member
I think I used "curfew" for lack of a better word for the common courtesy of letting me knwo when to expect you to come home.
She had a curfew in high school, which she pushed once....and only once. To touch on what donna said about not wanting them to be rushing/speeding to make curfew... boy, do I get that. As a teen, I raced home speeding more times that I want to recall. When my difficult child first started driving, I would set a "time to leave" with her. Since I knew where she was going and about how long it would take to get here, I would say "You have to leave Cassie's at 10. Call when you are leaving". This way, I knew she'd get home, roughly, by 10:30 if she left at the proper time. It isn't perfect, but it did help with my peace of mind. Even now, she will occasionally remark about that and has told me it helped her to feel less pressured.
But, certainly at 20 -difficult child or not - there are a few things you have to let go.
Dash
She had a curfew in high school, which she pushed once....and only once. To touch on what donna said about not wanting them to be rushing/speeding to make curfew... boy, do I get that. As a teen, I raced home speeding more times that I want to recall. When my difficult child first started driving, I would set a "time to leave" with her. Since I knew where she was going and about how long it would take to get here, I would say "You have to leave Cassie's at 10. Call when you are leaving". This way, I knew she'd get home, roughly, by 10:30 if she left at the proper time. It isn't perfect, but it did help with my peace of mind. Even now, she will occasionally remark about that and has told me it helped her to feel less pressured.
But, certainly at 20 -difficult child or not - there are a few things you have to let go.
Dash
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As a difficult child myself.
I have to phone or text mom if I am late or not coming at home. Common courtesy.
Same for her.
But it happens to me not to hear my mobile ringing with my hearing impairment (common when in the street, the street's noise covers the mobile's ringtone). It hardly happens to mom, but it happens a lot to me. So we had to find a solution to make this rule manageable for both (why would she punish me for not having heard my mobile ? It's like punishing someone with epilepsy for having a seizure).
In this case, mom's number appears on the screen and I phone/text her as soon as I see it. It tells her that I've heard her, I inform her and that no, I don't disrespect her.
I have to phone or text mom if I am late or not coming at home. Common courtesy.
Same for her.
But it happens to me not to hear my mobile ringing with my hearing impairment (common when in the street, the street's noise covers the mobile's ringtone). It hardly happens to mom, but it happens a lot to me. So we had to find a solution to make this rule manageable for both (why would she punish me for not having heard my mobile ? It's like punishing someone with epilepsy for having a seizure).
In this case, mom's number appears on the screen and I phone/text her as soon as I see it. It tells her that I've heard her, I inform her and that no, I don't disrespect her.
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Oh heavens I cant tell you how many times I miss hearing my cell phone! Especially if its in my purse or on the charger in another room. It also depends on the ringtone. Some of them are so soft that they are barely audible.
Humm, for me, the main problem of not hearing my mobile is or noise covering the ringtone or in the purse with a computer's noise, or music.....
I easily can hear my mobile in another room. Thank you, hyperacousia
The problem is localizing my mobile.
That's why I always charge it at the same place, my night table, in my room. Then, answering on time at home is a piece of cake
I easily can hear my mobile in another room. Thank you, hyperacousia
The problem is localizing my mobile.
That's why I always charge it at the same place, my night table, in my room. Then, answering on time at home is a piece of cake
S
Signorina
Guest
On the advice of our therapist, we set down some guidelines for difficult child living in our home. Here they are in a nutshell:
Basically, be home before 12:30 on weeknights, 1:30 on weekends because WE need to sleep, if he will be late he needs to sleep elsewhere and let us know before 10:30, be a good example for younger brothers, do not promote drug or alcohol use or provide either to them, if we find drugs or paraphernalia in our home we call the police, no porn or sex or profanity in the house, no driving our cars at all because we know he could test + for marijuana use. And that so long as he followed those guidelines and respected us as his parents, our home would always be open to him.
Now, they didn't work out for us in that difficult child is no longer living here. He followed them for the month he was home over Christmas. Begrudgingly and not in the spirit in which they were written - as far as the staying out. He would often text me at 10:30 to let me know he was sleeping at X's and them 4pm would roll around the next afternoon and we would wonder where he was, if he was coming home, if we should text him, if a text was OTT, etc. etc. And when he did decide to leave for keeps - he threw them in our face because we were trying to "control him" and "not treating him like an adult". Then again, he IS a difficult child. And the "standards" were because WE get to choose how life is lived in OUR house. We both work, the pcs go to school early - we need our sleep. We don't sleep if he isn't home. Locking him out would add to the anxiety - not solve it. And we have the right to decide how we live and operate in OUR home. So, setting the standards was empowering even if they didn't work out. Then again, he left - so maybe they did work out. If we hadn't set them, we would have likely been walking on eggshells and placating him and the situation which is what hurt us in the first place. Take it or leave it. And he left it.
Basically, be home before 12:30 on weeknights, 1:30 on weekends because WE need to sleep, if he will be late he needs to sleep elsewhere and let us know before 10:30, be a good example for younger brothers, do not promote drug or alcohol use or provide either to them, if we find drugs or paraphernalia in our home we call the police, no porn or sex or profanity in the house, no driving our cars at all because we know he could test + for marijuana use. And that so long as he followed those guidelines and respected us as his parents, our home would always be open to him.
Now, they didn't work out for us in that difficult child is no longer living here. He followed them for the month he was home over Christmas. Begrudgingly and not in the spirit in which they were written - as far as the staying out. He would often text me at 10:30 to let me know he was sleeping at X's and them 4pm would roll around the next afternoon and we would wonder where he was, if he was coming home, if we should text him, if a text was OTT, etc. etc. And when he did decide to leave for keeps - he threw them in our face because we were trying to "control him" and "not treating him like an adult". Then again, he IS a difficult child. And the "standards" were because WE get to choose how life is lived in OUR house. We both work, the pcs go to school early - we need our sleep. We don't sleep if he isn't home. Locking him out would add to the anxiety - not solve it. And we have the right to decide how we live and operate in OUR home. So, setting the standards was empowering even if they didn't work out. Then again, he left - so maybe they did work out. If we hadn't set them, we would have likely been walking on eggshells and placating him and the situation which is what hurt us in the first place. Take it or leave it. And he left it.
