difficult child's bring out their best for the holiday.

[tishthedish]

I haven't posted since August re: difficult child 1 and things are starting to heat up. He plead guilty to a charge of aggravated assault and was sentenced to 3 years. They cut that sentence in half and he had already served 1 year while awaiting trial. He is now in prison 3 hours away. He has called on occasion and it has been ok. I have written him a couple of times, funded his commissary account, sent him books. Minimal stuff. He has been polite, pleasant and has actually shown that some of his sense of humor has returned. He has spoken with resolve and optimism about turning his life around and will be looking for a halfway house to live in. He is on medications. This is what enables the calmer behavior.

Until today. He started talking about past lives, how people can have more than one sets of parents, how he will go live in a ditch when he gets out, that he is now one hard m***F*** and has to stay that way. Just out of context weird stuff. I tried to keep the conversation pleasant. He knows I believe in God and he said he didn't. He believes in evolutionary stuff and reincarnation. I said you may be right and I respect your beliefs but FOR ME I am comfortable with my faith. He launches into an assault of something about St. Stephens day and what is the patron saint of miscarried children. I has been a hell of a weekend as it was with difficult child 2, so as my eyes started to glaze over and I started to sink deeper into the couch my husband said, tell difficult child 1 I want to talk to him. I asked him to hold and told him dad wanted to say good bye. He insisted I get back on the phone, I did and just said I had things to do and Dad wanted the last couple of minutes with him. He was livid and said have a nice life and a nice vacation while I sit in here and rot in prison.

Soooooo, here we are. He had spoken with such reason and temperance over the last couple of months we thought we were seeing improvement. Again, hopes dashed.

The heartache with this kid just won't let up. He is not aware that his brother difficult child 2 has been a royal pain in the ass and a mooch. He had me buy his son vitamins and then I come to find out that he gave baby mama $60 which she spent on drugs and lent another friend $100. So essentially, I am buying drugs and lending other grown adults money. PLUS he is still doing his laundry over here. That stops this week. He also gave my adorable grandson a haircut that has left him essentially bald. I am not exaggerating. There go the Christmas pictures. He said it was an accident. I said the 1st 4 times you cut his hair so poorly you had to shave his head was an accident. This time was ineptitude.

Going to Al-Anon Tuesday. Feel like crap tonight and when I feel this way I just want to be alone. Really alone. Except for my dogs.

 

[BusynMember]

Going to Al-Anon is a good way to take care of yourself.

difficult children tend to cycle...they have good times (often when they are in safe places and often jail/prison is safe for them. They make no decisions. Everything is decided for them). But their true nature will eventually come out. I kind of agree with your son's beliefs, although I do believe in a God, however I would never start belittling somebody else's beliefs. I don't know what possessed him to go into that with you. I guess he is just a difficult child and that's what they do.

As for son #2, I am sorry he is also giving your grief. I have a suggestion. Never ever ever ever ever give him a dime, even if he says it's for his child. If his son neeeds vitamins find out what kind, buy them, then he can give them to baby momma. Don't hand a dime over to him. Buy what you want the baby to have, but handing over money is like buying drugs, just like you said. Just Say No I see that your son is 25. So why doesn't he work? Can you afford to support his...whatever-he-does-with-his-money? I know I couldn't.

Pets are wonderful about knowing how to soothe us, aren't they? Have you thought about maybe volunteering at a humane society or a rescue or volunteering ANYHWERE? I did that when I was out of work and it really filled my emptiness. I met a lot of people and found I was not alone. Since you are a believer, maybe get into some church activities. Heck, maybe join Match.Com and try to find a nice man Take care of yourself now. Many people do not get along with their relatives, including their children. It is up to us to create our own support system...and Al-Anon can be a step in the right direction. Some groups go out for coffee afterward!

It really hurts my heart when I read about people whose grown children are ALL dysfunctional, but it is still possible to live a full and happy life. Some people never have children and are happy (sometimes I think happier than us!). I hope you can find serenity and peace in your life in spite of your grown children's bad behaviors. We teach them until they are men and women and they know right from wrong. If they choose to talk a bad fork in the road, it is on them, not us.

Try to have a good night and keep posting. We are a support system too!

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Tish,

I can so relate to what you are going through. Each time my difficult child was in jail I would have similar conversations. I have a deep faith in God and my difficult child wanted none of it. He would always try to bait me into an argument to which I would reply, "I'm the one paying for this collect call and if you can't speak to me with respect I will hang up", sometimes it helped and we could talk, other times I would hang up. I too had the hateful "fine, go enjoy your beach vacation while I rot in here"

Our difficult child's will say and do anything they can to bring us down. They want us to be as miserable as they are. My difficult child is almost 34 and the less contact I have with him the happier I am. I will always love him and will continue to pray for him but there is nothing more I can do for him and I can no longer allow him to cause chaos in my life.

As for your other difficult child I agree with MWM, do not give any money no matter what excuse you are given.

Sending you hugs and wishing you peace.

 

[tishthedish]

MWM, thanks for your reply. I am laughing and that is good because of your suggestion of Match.com. Hubby of 33 years might object! difficult child 1 is ill and the cycling you mention makes sense. Another thing is that his release date in early 2015 is looming. I think he is feeling the pressure of having no where to go. He knows he cannot come here. It was just so nice to have a respite of a few months of conversing with him normally. I miss the person he used to be. As far as the religion stuff, I don't debate anything with anybody. I respect everyones' opinion and choices for their own lives. A higher power of one's understanding as Al-Anon puts it. When he starts in on theory or doctrine it's delivered like a barrage of machine gun fire, intended to mow you down. I don't object to the ideas at all, just to the delivery. And since we know we aren't going to change each other's minds, can't we talk about something else? I guess this conversation just took me back to when he was less well and I was such a mess. The fact that he can get so strident and indignant over a gentle assertion made by me lifts the curtain on what is to come. I had hope. I have less after that conversation. I did hand the phone back to his Dad and his dad heard his nasty goodbye. I just can't listen to that crap anymore.

As for difficult child 2 he is trying. He is working full time. The baby mama, she signed over all parental rights for their son to difficult child 2. He has his special needs son 24/7, so we are trying to help. It's just whatever we do is never enough. As for the money thing, I didn't give him $, I bought the vitamins, snowpants, Christmas outfit, socks, underwear, new bedding for the crib, yes all things for the baby he can't afford, but if he can afford to make loans and gifts of money why ask for ours? We always find out about this foolish spending after the fact. It's about 30 degrees where we live today. He pulls up in the car, gets out to drop off more laundry inside, leaves the car door open with grandson in the car. Grandson is wearing a short sleeve T-shirt. I ask difficult child 2, where is the child's coat? "Oh he doesn't need one in the car." I said you're wearing the one I got you. He says it's warm enough in the car for the baby. So I said, are you taking your coat off when you get in the car too? I bought 2 coats so when one is being washed one can be used. And the babe has a cold as well.

There are some things I've learned though. We are going away to FL for a week. Our niece is dog sitting and has strict instructions not to let difficult child 2 in. My husband handles any calls that come in from home. An emergency to difficult child 2 is not knowing the right temperature to bake chicken nuggets.

Hopefully, because I have been doing some self-work I will bounce back faster. I'll keep you posted.

 

[GuideMe]

Hi Tish, if I may ask because my curiosity is getting the better of me, what did he do to get an aggravated assault charge? Was he ever arrested before that?

 

[tishthedish]

Hi GM. My son had been arrested once before on charge that was dropped. It involved emailing something to someone repeatly. The second time he was homeless, in a grocery store took some juice from their cafe. Store security gave chase, police were called and my son spit on the police and hit the store employee. He also swore at the judge. He was found unfit to stand trial and was hospitalized for over 8 months and finally mandated to take medications. We had been out of touch with him for months. Take a look at my posts and it will fill in the blanks. I refer to him as difficult child 1 as I have 2 difficult children total. If there is anything else you want me to share in order to help you don't hesitate to ask. I will answer you here or by private message. Good luck with your daughter.

 

[tishthedish]

MWM, still chuckling about your suggestion. How about we call this site Mensch.com?

 

[BusynMember]

Tish...hehe. It was a joke anyway, but I'm blushing. I guess I didn't read your entire siggy and I thought you were single. Please explain to your husband that I do not condone infidelity no matter HOW stressed we are!!!!!! Yikes! I guess suggesting a honeymoon weekend would be more appropriate???

 

[2much2recover]

There go the Christmas pictures.

Perhaps buy the poor child a hat for the photo's or call the place where you get the pictures done and see if they have any props that will hid the haircut.

Don't hand a dime over to him. Buy what you want the baby to have, but handing over money is like buying drugs, just like you said. Just Say No

AND take the tags off anything you do buy for the child so it can not be returned for the money!

I too had the hateful "fine, go enjoy your beach vacation while I rot in here"

That statement is just pure gaslighting, plain and simple!

 

[GuideMe]

Hi GM. My son had been arrested once before on charge that was dropped. It involved emailing something to someone repeatly. The second time he was homeless, in a grocery store took some juice from their cafe. Store security gave chase, police were called and my son spit on the police and hit the store employee. He also swore at the judge. He was found unfit to stand trial and was hospitalized for over 8 months and finally mandated to take medications. We had been out of touch with him for months. Take a look at my posts and it will fill in the blanks. I refer to him as difficult child 1 as I have 2 difficult children total. If there is anything else you want me to share in order to help you don't hesitate to ask. I will answer you here or by private message. Good luck with your daughter.

Thanks Trish! I did read a lot of your post just now and my God is all I have to say. A nightmare. My heart goes out to you and thank you for offering to be there for me , I greatly appreciate that.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Another thing is that his release date in early 2015 is looming. I think he is feeling the pressure of having no where to go. He knows he cannot come here. It was just so nice to have a respite of a few months of conversing with him normally.

I can tell you that an impending release can be VERY stressfull on someone who is incarcerated, especially if they have been locked up for a longer period of time. One of the issues we face at work (sorry, I dont have a sig but have worked in Corrections for over 22 years) is that as someone nears their release date, especially someone with a mental health issue, that stress can be much worse than for others. Many of them go off their medications at this point. This is due partly to an attempt to gain control of their life and this is one of the few things in prison that they have control over. Another reason is that, subconciously, they dont want to be released. They are in a (reasonably) safe and structured environment where 90+% of lifes decisions are made for you and it can be very scary facing the possibility of being responsible for your own life.

That being said, you may want to contact the institution and speak with either his caseworker or counselor. If he has gone off his medications, they need to know so an attempt can be made to get him back on them. The chance of an offender staying out while not being medication compliant is depressing at best.

 

[Tanya M]

My difficult child has been in and out jail several times. His longest stay was 2 years. I too dreaded his release but I still had hope that he could turn his life around. While he was locked up my husband and I moved from CO to the Midwest to care for my husband's aging parents. When my difficult child was released at age 25 I flew out to CO, picked him up and flew him back here. I knew better than to have him stay with us so my husband and I purchased a small house for him to live in. We purchased him clothes, food, cell phone, etc... all he had to do was find a job and start being responsible. We had done this type of thing for him in the past also but he never could manage to keep it together. I had really hoped that it would be different this time and once again he screwed it up. My husband and I gave our difficult child more second chances than we should have but this last time really was the last time. He will be 34 in Jan and for the most part is jobless and homeless. He made his way back to CO where he has been back in jail twice, that I know of. He will never get another dime out of us. I know with every fiber of my being that we did absolutely everything we could to help him. He of course likes to lie about us telling people we are the worst parents ever, how we have never been there for him, how his messed up life is our fault, blah, blah, blah. I am so over it and do not care what others think (it may sting a little) but ultimately I don't care because I know the truth.

As for you, you have to do what you feel is right, just make sure that you consider the safety of yourself and your home.

 

[2much2recover]

I gave you a winner sticker because as your case shows it does not matter how much WE do for the difficult child, sometimes all that happens is we end up being poorer for having helped and confirms what I believe - if they are not ready - no matter how much money you throw at the "problem" nothing will come of it. I feel for you, I can't imagine in dollars you must have spent in vain trying to help your difficult child! Hopefully someone else will wake up from learning about your circumstances.

 

[Tanya M]

Thanks @2much2recover. It's always nice to have positive affirmation.

You and I are most definitely on the same page when it comes to taking care of ourselves and planning for our "golden" years and beyond.

My difficult child has two children that he abandoned. I am blessed to have a wonderful relationship with their momma who is a wonderful person. (my difficult child really screwed up when he let her and the kids go) Anyway, my husband and I do what we can to help with our grandchildren. One thing that we have done is to get our wills done. We have put everything into a trust for our grandchildren which they can access when they are 30. I took a lot of grief from people saying things like "how could you write your own flesh and blood out of your will" I simply reply "until you have walked in my shoes don't judge me"

You stated it perfectly:

no matter how much money you throw at the "problem" nothing will come of it.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

He will never get another dime out of us. I know with every fiber of my being that we did absolutely everything we could to help him. He of course likes to lie about us telling people we are the worst parents ever, how we have never been there for him, how his messed up life is our fault, blah, blah, blah. I am so over it and do not care what others think (it may sting a little) but ultimately I don't care because I know the truth.

Reading these kinds of things ~ exactly the kinds of things difficult child son says and believes ~ is so helpful to me. He seems so certain that I wonder, myself, whether we should have done more.

husband is like, "F him." And I get a little horrified, but I know he is right.

We have put everything into a trust for our grandchildren which they can access when they are 30.

We are thinking about how to do this, how to handle these things, too.

"until you have walked in my shoes don't judge me"

That is going to be my new motto, even to myself. I am my harshest judge.

I never, ever, want to believe this is what happened to all of us.

Such an ugly story.

Cedar