difficult child's senior award ceremony
- Thread starter Nancy
- Start date
Stella
New Member
haven't read all the comments Nancy but I know you have been feeling worn out, bitter and resentful for a long time now. You have tried everything, your difficult child is 18 now and still so defiant and oppositional. You have got her to 18. I think you have put your life on hold for a long time and have told yourself once you get her to 18, that you're job is done. Of course you will always be her mom and I'm sure you will be there for her when she really needs you but yes, i think it's time you started focusing on yourself now. Well done, you've helped her survive to adulthood. The only advice I would give is to take it in baby steps and maybe detach bit by bit and not to detach completey the second she hits 18! You do sound so unhappy and understandably so. It's the hardest thing in the world to have a rejecting child. You feel like you are being punished your whole life. It's time to find yourself again now and make yourself happy. You deserve it and who knows, there is always hope that difficult child might come good, and see the error of her ways. I just really think she will have to learn life's lessons for herself, the hard way.
Good Luck!
Good Luck!
Wow, what a true statement that is! In my case I was trying so hard to "help" that I took all the responsibility away from difficult child 1 to help herself. I was the one invested in her life, not her.
Nancy, difficult child may never improve but you will. You will start living your own life and that will enable you to detach from her and then you will be able to have the attitude that if she changes, great, but if she doesn't you will still be okay. You won't be waiting around for it to happen, you will be enjoying your own life.
Hugs,
Jane
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Nancy, I have always told you I see a lot of me in your difficult child. Hopefully it wont take her as long to come around as it took me! I was in a much better place by the time I was in my early to mid twenties. Maybe she wont go to college right now but that doesnt mean she wont go at all. Sometimes a few years off can be a good thing because she will appreciate it more if it is something she has to work for and pay for herself. I certainly did. My father could have afforded to send me to any univesity I wanted to attend but I blew that opportunity because I was a stupid difficult child. Instend I went to a small technical college but I treasured that degree because I worked for it and I payed for it with my blood, sweat and tears. I would have just partied my way through a university at 18.
Even Cory now is telling us that he sees things from such a different angle. He can see why we did the things we did and said the things we said. Life looks different in your twenties than it does in your teens.
So difficult child is probably going to hit some roadblocks and hit some problems. She will figure them out. If she is like most of us difficult child's she will start to come around in a few years. She really wont stop loving you but it may take a few years for that to become apparent again.
Even Cory now is telling us that he sees things from such a different angle. He can see why we did the things we did and said the things we said. Life looks different in your twenties than it does in your teens.
So difficult child is probably going to hit some roadblocks and hit some problems. She will figure them out. If she is like most of us difficult child's she will start to come around in a few years. She really wont stop loving you but it may take a few years for that to become apparent again.
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
Ohh, I'm sorry Nancy.
I hear you. What a bitter disappointment.
Well, as you said, she wasn't driving drunk so there's a silver lining.
I agree with-others here, that she will find her way once she's on her own.
I like your comment about starting to live your life now.
{{hugs}}
I hear you. What a bitter disappointment.
Well, as you said, she wasn't driving drunk so there's a silver lining.
I agree with-others here, that she will find her way once she's on her own.
I like your comment about starting to live your life now.
{{hugs}}
Janet I wish I could have your outlook. She came home higher than a kite last evening.
Nomad I really shouldn't have said she would be sorry when we didn't care anymore. She won't be. I was hoping she would but she won't be. I told her today that she has been spending her entire life angry at us for adopting her. We have signed the papers to have her reunited with her birthmother and I told her that when she met her she could ask her why she gave her to such monster parents. Then I asked her about all the girls she knows that got pregnant and whether they were ready to be parents and she said no. So I asked her what should they have done then?
Nancy
Nomad I really shouldn't have said she would be sorry when we didn't care anymore. She won't be. I was hoping she would but she won't be. I told her today that she has been spending her entire life angry at us for adopting her. We have signed the papers to have her reunited with her birthmother and I told her that when she met her she could ask her why she gave her to such monster parents. Then I asked her about all the girls she knows that got pregnant and whether they were ready to be parents and she said no. So I asked her what should they have done then?
Nancy
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N
Nomad
Guest
(Hugs)
There is a chance she is feeding off of your anguish.
Honestly, I just wouldn't have it anymore.
Please consider googling for the FA meetings and consider attending.
Al Anon might also be appropriate...I'm not sure.
You might read information about Borderline and Co-dependency.
You will be setting a healthy example for her as you start to "live your life." Like Terry and the others have talked about...she is more likely to find her way, as you step out of this world you have been living in and let her live her life the way she choses. You might provide a gentle assist now and then, but that's about it.
If things change, you might do a little more...
This doesn't mean that you failed. This doesn't mean that you don't care deeply for her.
It just means that you have decided to let go and let her grow and you are moving forward with your life.
Time to re discover your needs (do you have hobbies...interests...what are they???)
and make sure your relationship with your husband is well nurtured.
It feels really crummy right now....my guess is that things are likely to get better. You have already expressed your doubts about what is in the cards for her. And honestly, perhaps "better" for her is a different definition than what it is for others. All you can do is hope for the best. There is no need for bitterness. It really is ashame.
However, you CAN control YOU. You can control your thoughts, actions and behaviors.
by the way...if difficult child doesn't go to graduation, you and husband go briefly...and afterwards go on a lovely date...just the two of you!!! AND if you haven't been "dating" now is the time to start again (with your husband of course! LOLOLOL!!!)
These events that have occured are just a very tough transition and you are shell shocked by it all. I know...I have been there done that. Reading, prayer, therapy, the FA meetings, DETACHMENT....all made a humongous difference in my life.
Wishing you well.
There is a chance she is feeding off of your anguish.
Honestly, I just wouldn't have it anymore.
Please consider googling for the FA meetings and consider attending.
Al Anon might also be appropriate...I'm not sure.
You might read information about Borderline and Co-dependency.
You will be setting a healthy example for her as you start to "live your life." Like Terry and the others have talked about...she is more likely to find her way, as you step out of this world you have been living in and let her live her life the way she choses. You might provide a gentle assist now and then, but that's about it.
If things change, you might do a little more...
This doesn't mean that you failed. This doesn't mean that you don't care deeply for her.
It just means that you have decided to let go and let her grow and you are moving forward with your life.
Time to re discover your needs (do you have hobbies...interests...what are they???)
and make sure your relationship with your husband is well nurtured.
It feels really crummy right now....my guess is that things are likely to get better. You have already expressed your doubts about what is in the cards for her. And honestly, perhaps "better" for her is a different definition than what it is for others. All you can do is hope for the best. There is no need for bitterness. It really is ashame.
However, you CAN control YOU. You can control your thoughts, actions and behaviors.
by the way...if difficult child doesn't go to graduation, you and husband go briefly...and afterwards go on a lovely date...just the two of you!!! AND if you haven't been "dating" now is the time to start again (with your husband of course! LOLOLOL!!!)
These events that have occured are just a very tough transition and you are shell shocked by it all. I know...I have been there done that. Reading, prayer, therapy, the FA meetings, DETACHMENT....all made a humongous difference in my life.
Wishing you well.
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graceupongrace
New Member
Nancy,
I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I very well may be writing a similar post about my difficult child in a few years. Here's the thing: You have given her a wonderful gift with all these years of loving care. She has chosen not to accept it... at this point, anyway. She may or may not come to appreciate it in the future, but that doesn't detract from all that you have done. I like Nomad's suggestion of going on a date. Celebrate what you have accomplished -- briefly. And then spend the rest of your time together talking about something other than difficult child.
Many hugs.
I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I very well may be writing a similar post about my difficult child in a few years. Here's the thing: You have given her a wonderful gift with all these years of loving care. She has chosen not to accept it... at this point, anyway. She may or may not come to appreciate it in the future, but that doesn't detract from all that you have done. I like Nomad's suggestion of going on a date. Celebrate what you have accomplished -- briefly. And then spend the rest of your time together talking about something other than difficult child.
Many hugs.
I was really hoping your daughter would turn herself around by the time she finished high school, but it looks like it will take longer. There is always hope as long as she is alive. But, now your focus has to be on your own future and what you can do to rediscover who you are. You have given her 18 years of family life and now she will be a high school graduate, off on her own to make it or not. A time will come when she will realize the need for change...someday.
busywend
Well-Known Member
Nancy, I am in the same position as you. Right down to the tearing up of the nasty carpets and fixing the bedroom door she smashed in. The only true difference is your difficult child is much more social than mine. Sometimes I wish mine were, other times I am thankful.
I have accepted that difficult child is a nasty person. One I will really try not to live with for much longer. I hope she can be happy one day, but she will not steal my happiness forever.
Acceptance is a freeing thing. It does not mean we give up hope. They are only 18. Their learning years are ahead of them. We wish they would learn the easy way - by listening to us
but sadly they choose the hard road. Is that horrible? No. Will they have a more difficult time getting success in their lives? Yes. Is it our fault? No.
She has accepted it. You can, too. Accept that she is not who you wanted her to be. Accept that you do not wish to live with her. Accept that she will have harder times ahead. I would not accept a drug addiction or a criminal act, but we sure can accept a personality trait - even if we do not like it. I have said for years if difficult child were my husband I would have divorced her long ago. I can't be around people that are negative like her.
Yes, you should focus on you now. She will make her choices anyway, so you might as well put your energies into you and husband.
I don't hold out much hope that my difficult child will stop by with a successful husband and well behaved children one day. My true wish is that I could move far away so I only had to endure the chaos a few times a year.
It has never been easy. It may never be easy to be around our difficult children. We have a ton of bad memories to carry with us. Accept that. We will always know what they put us through - even if they never do. Forgiveness will come one day. When they call us to see how we made such and such dish that they remember from childhood. Someday they will call just to see how we are doing.
I sure do not have all the answers, but I do know that when I accepted that difficult child was a miserable, selfish, lazy child - I relaxed a bit. She told me the other day 'why don't you think about someone other than yourself for once' - I swear my mouth fell open. She hung up after that so I had no response. I honestly would not have had anything to respond back because it is sooooo far from the truth and reality and I KNOW there is no reasoning with her. So, let her think that. I don't care if that is what she thinks. It makes no difference to me.
Anyway, I am rambling a bit. I do understand where you are and I hope you can find a way to accept it.
HUGS!
I have accepted that difficult child is a nasty person. One I will really try not to live with for much longer. I hope she can be happy one day, but she will not steal my happiness forever.
Acceptance is a freeing thing. It does not mean we give up hope. They are only 18. Their learning years are ahead of them. We wish they would learn the easy way - by listening to us
but sadly they choose the hard road. Is that horrible? No. Will they have a more difficult time getting success in their lives? Yes. Is it our fault? No. She has accepted it. You can, too. Accept that she is not who you wanted her to be. Accept that you do not wish to live with her. Accept that she will have harder times ahead. I would not accept a drug addiction or a criminal act, but we sure can accept a personality trait - even if we do not like it. I have said for years if difficult child were my husband I would have divorced her long ago. I can't be around people that are negative like her.
Yes, you should focus on you now. She will make her choices anyway, so you might as well put your energies into you and husband.
I don't hold out much hope that my difficult child will stop by with a successful husband and well behaved children one day. My true wish is that I could move far away so I only had to endure the chaos a few times a year.
It has never been easy. It may never be easy to be around our difficult children. We have a ton of bad memories to carry with us. Accept that. We will always know what they put us through - even if they never do. Forgiveness will come one day. When they call us to see how we made such and such dish that they remember from childhood. Someday they will call just to see how we are doing.
I sure do not have all the answers, but I do know that when I accepted that difficult child was a miserable, selfish, lazy child - I relaxed a bit. She told me the other day 'why don't you think about someone other than yourself for once' - I swear my mouth fell open. She hung up after that so I had no response. I honestly would not have had anything to respond back because it is sooooo far from the truth and reality and I KNOW there is no reasoning with her. So, let her think that. I don't care if that is what she thinks. It makes no difference to me.
Anyway, I am rambling a bit. I do understand where you are and I hope you can find a way to accept it.
HUGS!
KTMom91
Well-Known Member
Nancy, I'm so sorry for your pain. They sure know where the target is, don't they? I wish I had some words of wisdom, something that someone else hasn't already said, but I don't. All I can do is send hugs and prayers to you, so you can find peace, no matter what difficult child is doing.
Nancy,
All I can say is that I am sorry. I know you and SH did all you could do and some kids just won't change.
I agree with all who point out that YOU kept her in school and if she turns around on her own at any time, being a h.s. grad, rather than a drop-out will be an advantage.
HUGS to you,
Martie
All I can say is that I am sorry. I know you and SH did all you could do and some kids just won't change.
I agree with all who point out that YOU kept her in school and if she turns around on her own at any time, being a h.s. grad, rather than a drop-out will be an advantage.
HUGS to you,
Martie
