Difficult mother-daughter relationship

[Younggmaat34]

My daughter and I have had a difficult relationship since I left her father ten years ago. My poor kids who are now 16 and 19 have witnessed him abuse me until I took them and left ten years ago. He never physically abused them but seeing him abuse me has left a lasting impression to say the least. My daughter was very angry at me for leaving him alone one night while he was at anger management I took my kids and left. The four of us would be dead by his hands if I had not made the escape when I did. She instantly took his place of abusing me.

 

[Younggmaat34]

Its gets worse than this when she was 16 she had her own daughter. She has no mothering common sense, she doesnt want to keep things safe for her toddler. She refused so ofcorse being the worrier that I have become since her birth I baby proofed the entire house alone with baby on my heels. Her daughter is very confused at the role I play in her life the other day she whispered to me grandma I have two mommies your mommy and my momma is to. Her mom acts as if her baby is bugging her when she is forced to lay her phone down and take a few for her. She doesnt teach her or play with her I do it all. People ask why make her be a mom...sorry but the kid that had a kid isnt into mommyhood if grandma dont do it her mommy ignores what ever it is. Im so fed up the disrespect is beyond what any mom should hve to deal with. Being called names like C**T, told to F off B**** or told to shut the f up and go to my f'ing room. If she takes the baby to bed with her the baby screams I want grandma because her mom forgets she is a mom and wont take the time away from whatever it is she does on her dang phone. Im so fed up I ready to tell her to find another place to live but she isnt taking the baby. I cant do it if I tell her to go I feel like Im failing her more than I already have.

 

[BusynMember]

Try to get legal custody of granddaughter? Get an attorney. Your daughter needs to stop abusing or live elsewhere.

 

[Copabanana]

I agree with SWOT that you need to speak with an attorney if your goal is to have legal rights in the care of your granddaughter. It is not clear that you want to go that route but I do not think it is easy to wrest custody of a child from a mother unless there is a history of documented serious abuse.

You need to think long and hard about what you want.

As it is the baby is with you. You have some control over her welfare as long as she is in your home. But you have no legal rights. At any point your daughter can leave with the baby.

If you want to be the primary parent under the law, if your daughter is indifferent about being a mother she might consent. She is less likely to do so if there is open hostility between you.

Nothing is served by allowing yourself to be abused by your daughter. It is not good for your granddaughter either. But it will not be in your interests to have unnecessary conflict either. To hurt you she might take the baby and leave.

Have you thought about going to Al Anon? That would really help, I think, to work this through.

Write back and tell us more.

Take care. I am glad you are here. Keep posting.

 

[Younggmaat34]

When the baby was first born my daughter made no decisions for her I had full medical power of attorney by her own choice. She doesnt even know where her daughters cloths are at in her dresser and she doesnt see a need for her do the babies laundry she will let it pile up until i give up and do it along with all the other household chores

 

[susiestar]

For the sake of that child, get an attorney and document, document, document. As others said, she can leave and/or revoke that power of atty any time she gets mad at you. She can take the chils and leave and you would KNOW the child was at least neglected but you could do NOTHING about it. Use YOUR phone to film her neglect and abuse of her child.

Get an attorney and learn what to document, how to get witnesses the court will pay attention to, and how to go about this. Otherwise that child will be abused & neglected and will be used to abuse you also.

Neglect is now thought to do more long term harm to a child than physical abuse does. It can cause problems that cannot be fixed. PLEASE save your grandbaby from this. You know how precious and full of potential she is. Don't let that be wasted by your daughter's refusal to parent.

 

[Childofmine]

I'm so sorry. I think you are getting good advice here.

Plus, the abuse of you has to stop, one way or the other. Either she stops it, or she leaves. You can't allow that, for you, for her or for her baby, because if you do, history will just keep repeating itself.

Decide what you want, and get an attorney. If you want the child, take the steps to make that happen. If you can't raise her (and that is understandable if you can't), then do the work on yourself to be able to let both your daughter and your granddaughter go.

You need and deserve a good life. It will take time, but start by getting the professional advice you need to move forward.

We're here for you. We understand how hard this can be.

 

[BusynMember]

OMG. Call CPS and express your concerns. If she is incapable of taking care of a c hild, and sounds like it, you would have an excellent chance of getting the custody, especially since the baby has lived with you and you have cared for her. Please do it for your grandchild and maybe for your daughter too who may either be incapable of taking care of a baby or just not emotionally willing to do it right now. Either way, it's a win/win/win f or everybody.

Big hugs for your hurting heart. Stay with us.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Somehow, get professional advice about gaining custody, though. In some places (like where I live), you are better off being a foster parent, and having the system PAY for your grand-daughter's care, so that part is not a burden for you.

 

[Copabanana]

In some places (like where I live), you are better off being a foster parent, and having the system PAY for your grand-daughter's care

Insane I think here there is no security of placement for a straight foster care placement. At least theoretically the child could still be yanked.

I think it might be best for Young to develop a plan first. If there is clear cut and abuse that can be documented, of course call CPS now. If not, start documenting now.

Young, do you want to accept legal responsibility to raise your granddaughter until she is 18?

If indeed your daughter will surrender her parental rights to you, or if you do make a case with CPS, the way to go might be a fost-adopt placement with you. That is a foster placement with the intention of adoption. You would get paid as a foster parent.

You could then legally adopt the baby and you would transition to receive AAP or Adoption Assistance Payment, continued until the baby is 18. If the baby is a foster placement even temporarily I believe she can also get medical paid by the placing county until she is 18.

The key is the baby would need to be in the system, i.e. foster care, to be entitled to this payment and paid medical care.

All this needs to be verified, because I am speaking from how things were 25 years ago. I agree with you, Insane. Young needs professional advice.

Take care and keep posting.

COPA

 

[BusynMember]

In the U.S. the only way to gain custody is if the child signs away her parental rights or signs for you to get guardianship with a lawyer's help. You don't have to go through CPS if this happens. If it doesn't, then you need to contact your county foster care agency and talk to a caseworker, but in the end you still go to court.

This should be easy as far as getting parental rights if CPS finds the parent unfit. A homestudy will be done.

We've adopted every way possible in the U.S.--private adoption where birthmother signed her rights away in court (and birthfather...close call with him and this was Jumper), foster care (Sonic), inernational (Princess). All required a homestudy and social worker and guardian ad litem for the child. It may be different if it is a relative placement.

 

[Younggmaat34]

I have spent my entire adult life being a mom and a house wife which I loved doing. I did go to college off and for eight years but because I was unable to do anything with my education as far as having a job its now worthless to employeers. Im thirty seven I have been divorced twice the second divorce was due to more abuse to me by my spouse and the fact that daughter verbally abused my spouse. Since the baby was born I seem to have a reason to smile and I also feel like I owe it to her to protect her and try and reverse any negitive damage her mom may cause her. I feel devoted to her.

 

[Copabanana]

Since the baby was born I seem to have a reason to smile and I also feel like I owe it to her to protect her and try and reverse any negitive damage her mom may cause her. I feel devoted to her.

If it were to be possible, would you want to be the legally designated parent to your grandchild, to raise her to adulthood?

 

[Younggmaat34]

I do document everything that occurs that is out of the range of normal parenting. I take pics of their bedroom if something look dangerous like if she leaves anything out thats just everyday usage items or when she was in diapers she would allow them to pile up for a whole day I would walk past her room and then I would take a picture then remove them. Im completely capable of taking her on fully and raising her and doing a better job than I did with her mother obviously.

 

[Younggmaat34]

I feel like I set my grand daughter up for a life thats hard and unfair. When her mom was pregnant my mom and I assured her that we would help her in every aspect every way she needs to help her be a successful mom. She would have aborted her otherwise we talked her into having the baby because in my eye it was the right thing to do. She acted like she was ok with the changes that were coming toward the end of her very difficult pregnancy (she was barely 16 when baby was born and went from a size 00 to having a 46 inch waist and the baby was only 6lbs 1oz. She has a disease that causes her hip to become dislocated on its own with any step she takes. She nearly died durning child birth when both she and baby lost their normal heart function. The baby was stuck and one of her main arteries was compressed because of internal abdominal pressure. So i saw my life pass before my eyes and the got my daughter back and she said i dont care about my own life get my daughter out. She lived they both did. Anyways a year later ny daughter said i cant do it mom and i told her finish high school and go to college maybe by the time you come back you will be readyfor all of the good stuff thats yet to come

 

[Copabanana]

I feel like I set my grand daughter up for a life thats hard and unfair.

When her mom was pregnant my mom and I assured her that we would help her in every aspect every way she needs to help her be a successful mom.

Now I understand better. You feel guilt, I think.

Have you thought about the possibility of adopting the baby formally, and freeing your daughter to go about her life?

She would have aborted her otherwise we talked her into having the baby because in my eye it was the right thing to do.

Oh dear. This is hard. Because you could not have known how hard on her would be the birth and delivery. Even if you knew she had a preexisting condition you could not now how hard it would be.

You thought you were giving her the best counsel possible. After all she was exposed to the same belief system as you and your Mom. She could well have suffered more from the decision to abort. I know women who never get over abortions. Other do.

You did what you thought best at the time.

You did not know then. Nobody does.

It could have worked out better. Or maybe worse.. She was a child. It was your responsibility to help her decide.

Whether or not she had the legal right to decide, what 15 year old really can, knowing what will be the real consequences? Not too many. It was your responsibility to help her. It is your responsibility now, too.

Anyway, bygones are bygones. We are in the now.

Guilt does not help.

I do not think you did a bad job as a Mom. You are a good Mom and a good grandma. I have problems with my son but still I am a good mother. It happens to people.

Even making mistakes, I am a good mother. You too. We have to go forward.
'
Keep posting. I will watch for you.

PS About the thought you set up your granddaughter. Think about it. All of us were set up. We are born innocents in families, often with a boat load of problems and spend ourselves our lives dealing with it and digging ourselves out of a hole. That's life.

 

[theblindleading]

I think you would ultimately regret kicking your daughter out. Based on her concern for her daughter's well being over her own during the delivery, I'd hazard a guess that she does love her, but is suffering from depression and feels overwhelmed by the responsibility. Because you talked her out of an abortion, she probably feels that you should bear much of this responsibility, so she's passed much of it off to you. But it has to hurt her to see the bond that you have with her daughter, and which she doesn't have. Think of it from her perspective. Her mother dotes on this cute little toddler, and resents her. And this cute little toddler, who should (at this age at least) love her more than anything in the whole world, loves grandma more. That hurts. And sure, her actions have contributed to the creation of this dynamic, but it's still painful, and really hard to break out of. Family counseling may be helpful if she's willing to go.

 

[constancestress]

Its gets worse than this when she was 16 she had her own daughter. She has no mothering common sense, she doesnt want to keep things safe for her toddler. She refused so ofcorse being the worrier that I have become since her birth I baby proofed the entire house alone with baby on my heels. Her daughter is very confused at the role I play in her life the other day she whispered to me grandma I have two mommies your mommy and my momma is to. Her mom acts as if her baby is bugging her when she is forced to lay her phone down and take a few for her. She doesnt teach her or play with her I do it all. People ask why make her be a mom...sorry but the kid that had a kid isnt into mommyhood if grandma dont do it her mommy ignores what ever it is. Im so fed up the disrespect is beyond what any mom should hve to deal with. Being called names like C**T, told to F off B**** or told to shut the f up and go to my f'ing room. If she takes the baby to bed with her the baby screams I want grandma because her mom forgets she is a mom and wont take the time away from whatever it is she does on her dang phone. Im so fed up I ready to tell her to find another place to live but she isnt taking the baby. I cant do it if I tell her to go I feel like Im failing her more than I already have.

I am in shock after reading your post, it is like I wrote it myself, I am actually sick just reading it because my daughter is a carbon copy of EVERYTHING that you have written even to the point of when my granddaughter goes to bed she crys for me and wants me.it is SO HARD to live like this and everyone tells me throw her out get custody, it is not that easy. I have a friend that fought for custody for her son to get her grandson away from the drug addict mother, her son finally got custody after 4 years of fighting and over $20,000 in court cost and lawyer fees and that was for the biological Dad fighting for custody. One thing I did learn from her fight is document EVERYTHING, it makes a big difference if you have something solid.
it is horrible that these kids are blessed with beautiful healthy children and they could care less, their phone, their Facebook and their friends are so much more important than the child they were given.

 

[Copabanana]

constancestress, why do you not start your own new thread. This one is kind of old. Not a lot of people will see it.

I am so sorry you find yourself in these similar, difficult circumstances. Thank goodness your granddaughter has you.

I do not have grandchildren, but I could never had made it through life without my maternal grandmother. My mother was self-centered and a disinterested mother, too. Had I not had my grandmother close to me for my first 13 years, I do not think I would be myself that I am today.

Keep posting. Think about a new thread. Take care.
You are not alone.