dishonest adult daughter

[Nanny55]

Hi everyone
I'm new to the forum so not sure that I'm doing it right.
Today I discovered that my 30 year old daughter had stolen a credit card from me while she was staying with us to save. It now has a balance of over £4000. I've asked her by txt what she knows about it and she has confessed all, saying that she was trying to get on her feet and had been making the monthly payments on line.

I don't know how, without starting an argument that will end in the usual way - her just leaving and me getting nowhere - to manage it, to make her see how serious it is. have thought about the police but don't want to go that far.

I saw in an earlier post about learning about detachment from adult children, as I've probably always picked up the pieces for her.

Any help welcome

 

[LauraH]

Can you confirm that she really is making the monthly payments? Hopefully you can see that she keeps making the payments without putting more charges on the card. Can you request a new card with a different number so she doesn't have access to it?

When my son was a minor he went online and made a small purchase with one of my credit cards. With shoplifting and theft the charge is determined by the amount...up to $x is a misdemeanor and over $x is a felony. $20 I think, but I could be wrong. Thinking it worked that way with theft by credit card I called the police. He was already on juvenile probation and I figured an additional misdemeanor wouldn't make that much difference. But I was told that any credit card fraud, regardless of amount, is a felony. I didn't want to be the one to put a felony on my child's record so I didn't pursue the matter. But I told him in no uncertain terms that if he used my card(s) again without permission I wouldn't hesitate to charge him, felony or not. To my knowledge, he never stole my cards again.

 

[BusynMember]

She is 30. If you dont hold her accountable and press charges, she is not suffering con sequences. I would think about what it means to her emotional growth as an obviously not morally sound full grown adult. If she steals from a stranger, and she might, she will get no mercy. She is too old to be stealing from you for any reason.

Jmo

 

[Nanny55]

Thank you both. Food for thought. I have a new card and changed my on line details and yes she has been making payments. Maybe the police is the answer

 

[Triedntrue]

Is there a reason that she needed to get back on her feet? Could you monitor the payments and if she tries to stop tell her you will turn it over to the police? Have you reported the theft to the credit card company it is possible they will reimburse you? Although they might insist you press charges.

 

[Nanny55]

Thank you. back on her feet after years of overspending and me bailing her out. She's agreed to set up monthly payments directly to me. Agree, the old habit of helping needs to stop.

 

[Nomad]

Glad for some positive indicators.
She confessed and is making payments.
But, honestly this is a very concerning behavior.
I would let her know that any future dishonesty / illegal behavior will absolutely not be tolerated and you will call the police.
Don’t think twice. in my humble opinion you must not falter.
I also think if she stops paying on this bill you are probaby stuck for it since you knew about it and didn’t call the police when you discovered it.
Yes, the old habit of helping needs to stop very urgently. in my humble opinion you must not give in again, it would be extremely bad not only for you, but for her.

 

[LauraH]

Glad for some positive indicators.
She confessed and is making payments.
But, honestly this is a very concerning behavior.
I would let her know that any future dishonesty / illegal behavior will absolutely not be tolerated and you will call the police.
Don’t think twice. in my humble opinion you must not falter.
I also think if she stops paying on this bill you are probaby stuck for it since you knew about it and didn’t call the police when you discovered it.
Yes, the old habit of helping needs to stop very urgently. in my humble opinion you must not give in again, it would be extremely bad not only for you, but for her.

That's how I handled a similar situation with my son, the main difference being that he was a juvenile with no way of making the payments. Fortunately it was a small amount, around $20. He knew without a doubt that any future incidents would result in me calling the police, which would mean a felony on his record. At the time he had ambitions of going into the military, and even a juvenile felony offense would disqualify him. At any rate, to my knowledge he never again took or used my card(s) without my permission. He did a lot of other stuff but that's for another discussion.

I also think you are probably right about having to make the payments should the daughter stop making them herself. If there is a way to prove she used your card fraudulently you might be able to take her to civil court, but I'm not sure how that works.

Good luck with everything and I'm crossing my fingers that your daughter keeps to her end of the bargain for everyone's sake.