Do difficult child's ever respect the hands that feed them?
- Thread starter Wakegirl
- Start date
welcometowitsend
Member
Wakegirl - I really feel for you and totally understand what you are feeling with regards to your difficult child. I love mine to the depths of my being but I really, really, really do not want him to come back home. Yet every day that he is gone from our family is heartbreaking.
I would dump his clothes on the floor beside the washing machine and do my laundry. I'd buy food that I liked to eat and not worry about his tastes. And based on what you said he'd never get that vehicle back! Yikes!
I sure hope he gets in soon and is off to training and a whole new way of life. Crossing my fingers and toes that this works out for him! That will give him a new life and give you your life back.
I would dump his clothes on the floor beside the washing machine and do my laundry. I'd buy food that I liked to eat and not worry about his tastes. And based on what you said he'd never get that vehicle back! Yikes!
I sure hope he gets in soon and is off to training and a whole new way of life. Crossing my fingers and toes that this works out for him! That will give him a new life and give you your life back.
It always amazes me how my difficult child thinks that by throwing a tantrum, acting violent or making threats will work for him to get his way. My husband and I have NEVER given in, changed our minds or gone back on a punishment/consequence. That was something we learned early from all the care providers and Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) specialists we worked with over the years. Even on Saturday night after difficult child violated house rules AGAIN and then lied about it and became aggressive and confrontational, my husband remained calm and consistent. So while I think consistency, neutral or bland responses are important, I really wonder sometimes why my difficult child thinks these tactics will get him what he wants.
And I know how you feel Wake about being scared to even ask difficult child to take care of his dishes. We have gone thru the same thing. That makes me wonder if while the above tactics do not work to change our minds, I wonder if he thinks if he keeps doing it we will stop expecting him to pick up after himself, have personal responsibility and be an active contributing member of our household. He has made rude and disrespectful comments about us bothering him with trivial things when he is busy (like on facebook... geesh, really??)
On a side note, a few years ago, my husband and I decided our whole house had Aspergers as we would panic if bedtime was not at the exact time every night - all parents know it is hard to be on a exact schedule. But we could never says "Oh its okay if you go to bed 20 minutes later" because then the next night that was the new time to difficult child, period. Of course if it was 20 minutes early, he would not try to institute the new time. LOL This is one example of House Aspergers, but we learned to relax and deal with issues like that as they came up.
And I know how you feel Wake about being scared to even ask difficult child to take care of his dishes. We have gone thru the same thing. That makes me wonder if while the above tactics do not work to change our minds, I wonder if he thinks if he keeps doing it we will stop expecting him to pick up after himself, have personal responsibility and be an active contributing member of our household. He has made rude and disrespectful comments about us bothering him with trivial things when he is busy (like on facebook... geesh, really??)
On a side note, a few years ago, my husband and I decided our whole house had Aspergers as we would panic if bedtime was not at the exact time every night - all parents know it is hard to be on a exact schedule. But we could never says "Oh its okay if you go to bed 20 minutes later" because then the next night that was the new time to difficult child, period. Of course if it was 20 minutes early, he would not try to institute the new time. LOL This is one example of House Aspergers, but we learned to relax and deal with issues like that as they came up.
trinityroyal
Well-Known Member
Winnielg, I really like that phrase "House Aspergers". Around the Trinity household, we call it Binary. As in something is either 100% on or 100% off, with no middle ground (this is what you get from a houseful of computer geek-people). What it means in practical terms is that, once a rule is set, it's set in stone. If something needs to change, we switch off the old rule and institute a new one.
Example:
difficult child's medications are strongly tied to blood serum levels, so his sleep and eating schedules have to be timed closely. That means that bed time is 9:00 pm for him, no matter what. If his medications change and his bed time has to change with them, then we remove the 9:00 pm bedtime rule, and implement a 9:30 pm (or whatever) bed time. Changing the rule doesn't work nearly as well for some reason, as it introduces flexibility into the whole rule structure, and then he feels the need to test the fences with ALL rules, not just the one being changed.
I think our difficult children need a level of stability that the rest of us can barely begin to understand. One of difficult child's tdocs said, "He works very well when cornered like a rat in a trap." Take the decisions out of the mix and he does much better.
That is so crazy and so true! It is so sad though - difficult child needs lists, visual reminders and calendars to remember to succeed in general. He finds them demeaning and is completely insulted by their very existence. He thrives when structure is in place but rebels against so vehemently for so long. And then .... POP.... all of the sudden it becomes routine. SIGH
Just tossing an alternative perspective out there...
How do you know what he is thinking?
Maybe he isn't thinking that at all.
For example, my difficult child had major tantrums - but they were never pre-meditated to get him X or Y. They were a reaction to overload, and whatever the trigger was, was simply the last straw. It was all the other straws that were the "real" problem... as in, just too many straws.
All three of these issues - tantrums, violence and threats - are an attempt to re-gain control. The wrong way. But... what's the REAL trigger?
You are right InsaneCdn - I guess we cannot know everytime. However with our difficult child most times my husband and I will ask him what it is he is looking for as an outcome to some circular irrational argument and he 9 times out of 10 will, in a very Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) way, bluntly say "compliance". Seriously...
His circular arguments which turn into full blown tantrums and threats normally start out with him trying to prove the rule had no merit to begin with, therefore he should not be punished for not following it - like food in his room. When we do not agree than the tantrum/violence/threats begin. Easily predictable at this point.
When he was younger - under 12 half of the time I do not even think he knew why the tantrum was thrown half way into it.
His circular arguments which turn into full blown tantrums and threats normally start out with him trying to prove the rule had no merit to begin with, therefore he should not be punished for not following it - like food in his room. When we do not agree than the tantrum/violence/threats begin. Easily predictable at this point.
When he was younger - under 12 half of the time I do not even think he knew why the tantrum was thrown half way into it.
My mom used to go bonkers over laundry left in the machine. Bro was esp bad about it. She did the garbage bag on his bed. No change. She put it wet on his bed. No change. She threw it outside, he washed it at 2 am and mad SURE the dryer buzzer went off multiple times, waking both of our parents. That was his biggest mistake. It was between mom and bro to that point. My dad? Out stubborns and out aspies darn near any 2 aspies I know when he gets something into his head. He is also very dissapproving of his children challenging his wife that way, well more of ro doing it because I usually kept my antics under the radar.
difficult children' next loadleftint he laundry? My father took out to the dog run, stomped it around in the dirt and dog feces, put it in a trash bag and let it sit in the heat of an OK July for several days. Then he 'found' it and put it in bro's room, with the nasty, stinking bag open on his bed.
Bro stopped that challenge at that point. HE was afraid of what would happen next. He may be slow, but he isn't that stupid.
I would notbuy what he likes. Iw ould be buying what he doesn't until/unless he treats you with dignity, respect,a nd he is a respectful considerate roommate. Otherwise he can stay at a friends until he enlists. You owe him NOTHING at this point, and he owes you a TON, respect and courtesy being the least of what he owes you.
difficult children' next loadleftint he laundry? My father took out to the dog run, stomped it around in the dirt and dog feces, put it in a trash bag and let it sit in the heat of an OK July for several days. Then he 'found' it and put it in bro's room, with the nasty, stinking bag open on his bed.
Bro stopped that challenge at that point. HE was afraid of what would happen next. He may be slow, but he isn't that stupid.
I would notbuy what he likes. Iw ould be buying what he doesn't until/unless he treats you with dignity, respect,a nd he is a respectful considerate roommate. Otherwise he can stay at a friends until he enlists. You owe him NOTHING at this point, and he owes you a TON, respect and courtesy being the least of what he owes you.
I will add that in considering this about the trigger - my husband and I have always noticed two things - first that difficult child, his moods and outburst are very cyclical and second the Spring is always the worst. We will usually have at least one week per month that is fine - usually right after some big episode - like he POPS and the relief is palpable. Although for us the POP leaves us shell shocked. So that is the monthly cyclical. The yearly - we think that the school pressures build up during the year for all the things he has not done, refused to do, or consequences to things school-related and by end of March to the end of the school year - which also includes his birthday - he is like a ticking time bomb. We have tried to explore this over the years but to no avail except to identify it is happening.
His birthday is in May. The first time Mobile crisis and the police were called (by the school by the way) was on his birthday. Last year his assault on me happened a week before his birthday and when he was committed to the psychiatric ward we had to wait for a bed, which ironically opened on his birthday.
Socially he is very behind and we used to think his birthday created anxiety of all kinds - I think it still does with high expectations but little social delivery because he really just does not have too many friends.
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