Done, so why do I feel worse?

[allydem]

Oh my goodness, Star, I feel terrible for the pain you had to endure. It almost seems like a story right out of the movies. But everything you said makes so much sense. I'm grateful you understand my pain, but certainly not at the expense of your own wellbeing ( or lack thereof ). I'm slowly getting used to the new lifestyle that I once upon a time never envisioned for my family. I've had to go back to my family doctor to get medications to help me sleep as I already passed out at work due to lack of sleep and not eating properly. My days consist of keeping busy at work, keeping busy once I get home, and weekends, I thankfully have my crew of friends and family to keep me occupied. I'm lucky if I get a text once every 10 days from my son, but the way I see it? He's making his path, and hopefully it'll be on the road to a successful future. When the texts do come in, I ask no quesitons, just comment with a "good for you!". I don't initiate messages, haven't heard his voice in over 2 weeks, and missed him terribly. I guess it'll be a couple of years before I hear "thank you" if at all. I'm not expecting it, but there isn't a day that I pray he's happy in the decision he's made.
Thank you very much for your insight. I'm sorry to say, I actually feel a sense of relief after reading your story.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[Kathy813]

I read the article and was struck in particular with this sentence:

When I finally realized this, I told my son, “You are not the source of my happiness.”

I think that all of us with adult children that are difficult children need to remember that we cannot let our difficult child's behavior keep us from enjoying life. It helps me to comparmentalize.

~Kathy

 

[Chaosuncontained]

Star*,

Wow. I REALLY needed to hear your story. Thank you for sharing.


Allydem,

You are in my thoughts. My daughter has been out of our house for a few years--but she was always welcome to be here. She just chose not to (we have 7 other children and it's just too much for her). Now she isn't allowed to live here. I have other children to protect. And she has changes to make in her life that I can't help her with. I wish you well...

 

[Star*]

ally -

It (my life) to me now really is not pain. At the time? Yes, absolutely. There were things that happened that seemed so out of my control; and some were - that it would drag me down, and tire me out and make me self-abuse myself (a form of depression that is so hard to recognize) like - not eating well, or not doing things that I normally enjoyed because of fear of actually HAVING joy in my life when someone else is so sad, or having joy in my life when my (then spouse) would have forbade my happiness, I mean WHO was HE to lord over me and speak when I could and could not be happy? Just like your son the difficult child - he's doing the exact same thing to you, and you are ALLOWING this. Think about it. His happiness and yours are not really connected. We think....that they should be - because we're their Mother's and we want them to be well-adjusted, and have introspect on life, and successful, and if not happy at the least - be satisfied with their own selves. When that doesn't happen many of us take it SO personally like it was a failure on OUR parts as Mothers, or parents - we MUST have missed something (a class perhaps, a book, a meeting at the PTA?) I mean what ....tell me what was it that you missed in raising your child that HE ended up ----so miserable? OH I know you made ALL the poor choices for him after telling him know - so now it's ALL your fault. Ah HA.....well then he should be free and you should just go put yourself in jail. And in essense? That's what we do. We punish ourselves without knowing.

In reality - What we should be doing in my humble opinion is LIVING - and showing our kids - YOu know what? I raised you, I did a good job - best I could do, I taught you right from wrong, and even if I was a screw up? I should have been the ABSOLUTE best example of WHAT NOT TO BE to NOT model your life after -----so even in that? I was a fantastic example for you. It's all a matter of perception and what YOU do with it from there. Granted there are some situations that require further help - and if you've tried over and over to get that help for your kids? IT hasn't worked? Then - it's time to step out of the arena.....start taking care of YOU, and ALLOW your children the GOD GIVEN RIGHT for them to TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES ALL ON THEIR OWN and screw it up royally ANYWAY THEY SEE FIT - and also....reap the consequences OF those particular choices......and when the walls crumble in on them? Tell them ----THESE are the choices you made.....you made them alone....YOU FIX them alone. It's what adults /and people who continually want to be left alone to make their own choices do-----because if you don't.....? If you continually rush in with your 1/3, 1/8, 1/4, smidge of assistance? You start ALL OVER AGAIN ------EVERY.SINGLE.TIME and the time just gets set out in the zone longer, and longer and longer --------and they learn NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. (and serioulsy neither do you except that it's taking LONGER AND LONGER AND LONGER for THEM to get it and that YOU ARE NOT HELPING THEM - but prolonging the inevitable and possibly making it worse)

DId I worry about things like suicide? Yup. I sure did.....and for us it was worse because we've buried two other children both at age 18. One to a bullriding accident, and one 2 years ago in a bad auto accident. Both were not my natural born children, both were my sons. So when this child acts out, is my natural born son and does have all this fallout? It is hard - because not only is he a difficult child, but he has Disney to contend with and the death of two brothers, plus what seems like a life-time of failure. It's very hard to look at him and say "The only one who can fail yourself is you - and you'de better get busy living." knowing he's thinking about his brothers. (shrug) You bite back more than a few tears when you have to dig for things like that. AND personally? Welbutrin is a huge help.......and not allowing people to step on you - therapy, and just finding things that make YOU happy and going for it.

Don't ever grieve for a life like mine.....if I ever did write the book? It'd be science fiction....lol. From birth to now? It's been such a wild ride - but with a purpose and a reason and EVERYONE I meet? I learn something from and if I am () lucky - something I've overcome (not survived) and been able to share - helps someone else. I think honestly - that is more important than anything. I don't ever grieve that. - I celebrate it. Took a long time to be able to do that - Well that and throwing clumps of mud and long grass at God and screaming WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT from me????????? In a flood.....and then? My house was struck by lighting and burnt to the ground ----so I don't ask anymore. I just kinda goooo with the flowwww. lol.

If it has helped? I'm better for knowing you.

Hugs and love -----Take CARE of YOU......you're the only YOU there is.
And.......well you have to live long enough to be a pain in the nursing home to your kids. (snicker) ----soflty snicker
Star

 

[buddy]

And if he is on adhd medications have they been adjusted recently? Our psychiatrist has explained the effects of stimulants on a younger kid versus an older teen/young man. As the frontal lobe develops and kids age, the stimulants that had been calming and helped them organize their thoughts and deeds....change. It becomes stimulating and people can become frustrated, angry, impulsive, etc. I am sure he probably has a good doctor but just sharing in case...