Drama with a capital D

[newstart]

37 year old daughter with 44 year old boyfriend living their normal secretive lifestyle. I have not said one word to the boyfriend in 7 months. Christmas eve my daughter and boyfriend go to his mothers home and find his mother dead. She had been sick with the flu.
Both daughter and boyfriend are frantic and manic. It was horribly hard for both of them. My daughter is tacky to me on most days but since this has happened, needed my support. My husband and I had a few plans but decided to stay close to home so we can offer support. My daughter's boyfriend's entire energy is horrific but I still tried to give him comfort.
My daughter's boyfriends mother was a major enabler.. He is 44 but acts like 10. I had met his mother once and wanted to talk with her but she was not interested. She was a lot like him, no eye contact and no interest in me at all, barely a hello. I was so sad after I met her that I actually cried. My daughter may have told her BS about me. My daughter likes to re write history to make her sound like a victim. Anyone that knows us both, her friends and mine will tell you that she is way out of line. The total nonsense lifestyle, the lies, the up and down craziness, the coldness, the aloof, the sharp tongue, the mean attitude all of this she dishes out to me and yet I made myself totally available to her when she is hurting and stressed. I re arranged my life to be of support to her..
Who is the crazy one? These two hurt my spirit on a regular basis and I am standing with them, driving them places and making sure they are ok. I need to go back to therapy to see why my need to try to connect and comfort them is over powering my need to step back. My daughter has told me sincerely that she has appreciated all the support I have given. The boyfriend even said thank you for the ride to his mother's funeral. Yes, believe it or not a thank you from him after 8 years. It sounded like a real thank you and not just lip service. Did we move one inch forward? Will there be changes in the right direction or will this death end things in a downward spiral? The next few months will be very interesting. I had the flu, sinus infection, shingles and depression. I ache everywhere mostly from the depression. I have enviromental depression, but can get a handle on it when I get alone time. I get shocked to the core with ugly behavior, I know not to take it personal and ugly behavior says more about the person spitting the venom but it still shocks me to the core. I was raised in a very peaceful enviroment by my grandmother, she was a spirit filled lovely person. There was never a harsh word, alway positive, lots of laughter, lots of love. Now I have this chaos that sends me into a tail spin. I am tried, deep down tired to the core of my being.

 

[Across The Pond]

Hi Newstart

My heart went out to you when I read your post. It prompted me to join up after reading the forum off and on for a while and reach out to you as I am sure many others will also do soon. I could feel the tiredness in your message and the confusion over your own actions of helping them. All I can say is that I probably would have done the same as you. It sounds like they did appreciate what you did, but it has come at a cost to you. You deserve gentle care and kindness to restore you and digest what went on.

 

[Blindsided]

37 year old daughter with 44 year old boyfriend living their normal secretive lifestyle. I have not said one word to the boyfriend in 7 months. Christmas eve my daughter and boyfriend go to his mothers home and find his mother dead. She had been sick with the flu.
Both daughter and boyfriend are frantic and manic. It was horribly hard for both of them. My daughter is tacky to me on most days but since this has happened, needed my support. My husband and I had a few plans but decided to stay close to home so we can offer support. My daughter's boyfriend's entire energy is horrific but I still tried to give him comfort.
My daughter's boyfriends mother was a major enabler.. He is 44 but acts like 10. I had met his mother once and wanted to talk with her but she was not interested. She was a lot like him, no eye contact and no interest in me at all, barely a hello. I was so sad after I met her that I actually cried. My daughter may have told her BS about me. My daughter likes to re write history to make her sound like a victim. Anyone that knows us both, her friends and mine will tell you that she is way out of line. The total nonsense lifestyle, the lies, the up and down craziness, the coldness, the aloof, the sharp tongue, the mean attitude all of this she dishes out to me and yet I made myself totally available to her when she is hurting and stressed. I re arranged my life to be of support to her..
Who is the crazy one? These two hurt my spirit on a regular basis and I am standing with them, driving them places and making sure they are ok. I need to go back to therapy to see why my need to try to connect and comfort them is over powering my need to step back. My daughter has told me sincerely that she has appreciated all the support I have given. The boyfriend even said thank you for the ride to his mother's funeral. Yes, believe it or not a thank you from him after 8 years. It sounded like a real thank you and not just lip service. Did we move one inch forward? Will there be changes in the right direction or will this death end things in a downward spiral? The next few months will be very interesting. I had the flu, sinus infection, shingles and depression. I ache everywhere mostly from the depression. I have enviromental depression, but can get a handle on it when I get alone time. I get shocked to the core with ugly behavior, I know not to take it personal and ugly behavior says more about the person spitting the venom but it still shocks me to the core. I was raised in a very peaceful enviroment by my grandmother, she was a spirit filled lovely person. There was never a harsh word, alway positive, lots of laughter, lots of love. Now I have this chaos that sends me into a tail spin. I am tried, deep down tired to the core of my being.

Newstart, I could have written much of this.

It's hard to say what the right thing to do is here, accept to keep your stress levels under control.

Maybe focus on detachment with compassion. Do what you feel you can handle, always ready to accept you may not get what you expect from your kindness.

I was raised half the time by my grands who doted on me. I learned the self reflective value of respect at a young age. That said, we dont have the compass for others. Our Difficult Child children dance to a different drummer. We know this, but as a mother, we hope one day they will see the world as we do. In reality, that wont happen. Each of us creates our own path by the choices we make.

Acceptance is the first step to the grieving process. This major life event for your daughter and boyfriend could bring about real change. It is an opportunity for you to show you are setting boundaries that protect you. You may need to reevaluate what support means under these extreme circumstances, without sending the wrong message. That is what you feel would be wrong, because if your Difficult Child is like mine, there never is a right thing.

We want to support our DCs but need to do it wisely. No abusive dialogue, respect, gratitude, all the things we would give to those who would support us under these circumstances.

Gosh, my thoughts are with you. My children's father (we had been divorced for many years) died from sudden cardiac arrest at the age of 55. I had to tell my children. I feel to this day that event escalated any mental issues with my daughter. I sympathized with their pain as my daddy (not my bio father) died when I was 24. Maybe that's why I went on an enabling spree, who knows. I am sharing this so you understand that you not loose a foothold on logical thinking and to care for you.

My sympathies to all during this difficult time.

 

[RN0441]

Newstart:

Sorry that you had to be in the middle of this but you did what you felt you wanted to do from your heart. I do think they probably are truly grateful.

I would try not to think this is the start of change for them because you don't want to set yourself up for being let down. He may be forced to grow up now that his mother died and she was an enabler it seems.

Continue to take good care of YOU and hubs and be good to yourself.

 

[JMom]

Newstart,

I think you were very kind to help them during their time of grief. I believe some situations call for putting a pause on "normal". This passing of his mother will undoubtedly (likely) be the hardest thing he has had to go through. Your daughter will suffer as she feels his pain. I think you did the right thing. You comforted your child during a tough time. If you feel anxious about it possibly opening a door to enabling, you can control that. I think you are doing fine. You said you had a peaceful upbringing with your grand, just put into motion things that comforted you then.

Peace and hugs to you,
Jmom

 

[newstart]

Across the pond~ Welcome. I am so glad you joined us and I look forward to getting to know you and your child. Thank you for your thoughts and compassion.
Blindsided~ Thank you for your wise words and compassion. Glad you got to experience the love of Grandparents. Such a gift from God.
RN~Thank you for your continued compassion and wise words. I have learned a lot from your posts. I thought about you at Christmas sitting near the relaxing ocean. Hope you felt deep down peace.
Jmom~ Thank you for your words of compassion and understanding. Thank you for reminding me to put into motion the things that comforted me when I was with my grand. I read your profile and my heart and love go out to you, you have your hands very full.


Update. Daughter and boyfriend are shell shocked to the core over boyfriends mothers death. I pray that a lot of growing up can happen and they can move forward.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Hi newstart, so glad you found us. This place is absolutely amazing. They have listened without judgement and have made me feel welcomed.
I understand your dilemma so well. I am just starting on my first baby steps myself and have a long way to go.
Although it breaks my heart that there are so many of us out there dealing with these issues, it comforts me to have someone that understands.
I am praying for you and your family.
May you find peace and comfort in the days ahead.

Peace and Love