If he wants to move out, and the workers dont trust him, id tell him he can move out when he has a job and can pay for himself 100%. I would not trust his intentions. Nor pay fpr him to dodge drug testing.
On the other hand paying $2500 if he isnt committed to sobriety is also insane. We never sent my daughter anywhere and she quit twelve years ago. If all this is more for you than him, maybe cut out the money and let him decide how to straighten out his life. He sounds very entitled, laughig at $350. Do you know how he spent it? Did you demand he pay it back or deduct it from any otner money you give him. DO you give him other money?
In the end, you cant control his choices. You cant make him stay clean (nor can beggaring yourself to send somebody not comitted to sobriety to a very expensive rehab), you cant force him to finish college (most adult kids who bring us here never finish college) nor can you stop him from being who he is. Our children are who THEY are, not what we dreamed for them to be. Sometimes we love them but dont like them. I have one like that. They are heartbreakers for sure...
Drug addiction is hard for parents. We feel we have to aggressively act, yet we really cant do anything if our adult child wont try. They have to want it as much or more than we do for results.
Sounds like ypur son has no concept of money and he expects you to keep supporting him no matter how old he is or what he does. My daughter was a cocaine/meth addict but we are of modest means. In high school, even using drugs, she worked part time. If not she had Walmart clothes. We gave her enough for, say, pants at Walmart...she had to earn the rest or shop there. She had no car of her own and after her first accident we never let her use our vehicles again. She always, as did all my kids, have to work hard for all she had. It paid off in the end. They did not hate us. They understood.
After years on this site I totally believe our lack of funds helped all my kids, especially daughter. They all knew they could not come to us for money or rent so all of them paid their own way and my daughter quit using drugs by 19 (we made her leave after finding her having a pill party at home). She started using at 12!
I never think a good solution is to through money, support snd toys at our kids, even if we have it. It just makes them more helpless and dependent and very abusive when parents finally get fed up and say NO.
All four of our adult kids grew up working hard and are thriving on their own.
If I were you, and I am not and we are all different, id maybe pay for his rehab room, but nothing else. And if he decided to leave, he is old enough to work and pay his own way, toys included and car expenses. The less he gets from you, the less he has to go back to using drugs. He may then end up like my now very sweet daughter who tells me,"Using drugs was too hard and expensive." She went back to school on a loan, has been with one guy for twelve years, oens a house, and is an awesome mom to my granddaughter, the love of my life.
Isnt it time for you to be kind to yourself? You sound like a wonderful, loving person. Isnt it time to have fun yourself and not be abused by the child you are trying so hard to help...who wont try? Who laughs at $350 like it is chump change?
I dont envy you. I remember crying all night when my daughter was on the streets using drugs. It hurts us right in our hearts. You love your son to the moon.Hon, I so get it. Now love yourself too. Dont let him be youe boss. Use ypur mom gut to decide if he will really stay sober if he is in a rental that you pay. Will he take care of it or destroy it and cost you more? You know your child best.is he ready to do life sober?
One last thing. AA doesnt work for everyone.