DS at my sister's house-

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Beta, Aug 6, 2019.

  1. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    Thinking of you. So much of this resonates with me. Taking off a day of work to end up messing around dealing with your CDC (Chronically Difficult Child, lol). I know that pain well.

    So here's one thing that another member mentioned - GOVERNMENT PHONE. Why do these children run through phones like water? My daughter loses/kills hers so often. She finally got a gov. phone after killing yet another one, having us buy her a substitute, killing that (not getting another one from us), and then swindling one from some dude. If he's homeless, he can get one.
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I was going to say that there may be paranoia about the bank and dmv and/or anxiety, about driving. Beta. I could have written this thread. Its eerie how similar are our situations and our sons.
    One thing in particular that's identical is that our sons are adopted, biracial and mentally ill.

    I have been here on this site for over 4 years. I have been trying and trying and trying. And I do believe my son is improving. Not on my timetable. Not as I would want. Not enough. But I want to say this. I think that our situations are different than many mothers here. While I think we can if we need to, detach completely and let them fall, I think there is another way.

    And I think I am improving too. I think I am quicker to realize that there is no silver bullet. That I do not have to react. That I don't need to be an extremist. That I don't have to listen to everybody. That I can connect with what I need, what I am. That I can connect with my great love for my son. I seem to be able to go back to the drawing board more quickly, and so can my son. We seem to have more tools in our emotional toolkit. All of these better things can be, even though things objectively, are not "better."

    That it does not work at your sister's does not mean that nothing will ever work. While your sister and her husband are only motivated by love and concern, they want to "do good." When the good result they seek, does not come about of course they will let go. This does not mean anything at all about your child. It says more about the situation than about him. This has happened to us too. It is very hurtful. But this is a process.

    We do have control of ourselves. Our thoughts. Our intentions. How we interpret things. You do not have to see this as doom. It's one more day. It's Thursday. You can respond with neutrality. You can meditate. I know how hard this is. There are no shoulds. Not for you. Not for Josh. Not for me or my son.

    I see improvement in Josh. Really. I see his searching for something in himself. This, all of it, could be (and may or may not get) way worse.

    I see one of our tasks as learning to manage our wild emotional swings, and reactions. That is about us. Not our sons.

    That's another perspective. I don't know what's right either. But people here have very patiently helped me to see what I need, which is very, very different from what I thought I should do, or even what I thought I wanted to do.

    Don't write the end of the story. I need to remember that. Too.
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    My son's (old/former) psychiatrist said that marijuana helps anxiety but it also causes anxiety. So there's that.
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So now you wait for the other shoe to drop which is a place many of us here have been in over and over again.

    I still feel that way although it's been going pretty well. I am thinking of getting on anxiety medications because I'm just overly worried about everything all the time and it's totally exhausting. I know it cannot be healthy either.

    Prayers and hugs for your strength.
  5. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Copa, you are right- I do tend to think it's all over, and I need to remember that I can't write the end of the story. I don't know what the answer is, but I know that we need a break from him. I am struggling with anxiety and depression. His life is just sapping all joy and peace from me.

    I've never heard of government phones. How does that work?

    RN0441, yep. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is how I've been living the last two years since things began to spiral downward. It is exhausting.
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Google Obama phone. In my area, the distributor is Target.
    I'm right here with you.

    It's so much easier to see your situation and the solutions, than in my own.

    You have no control over the situation with your sister. But it will end. She will not keep him forever. Accepting this as a reality may help. This is a respite only. And not much of one if every phone call from her is so destabilizing. (I am like this too.)

    You are the one who is deciding to dwell on this. Oh. I know it does not feel like it's a choice. It feels like there is a voracious monster living in your soul. But we do have a lot of control that we do not exercise to not be eaten up alive.

    I have been meditating every day, sometimes a couple of hours. I am trying to pray the first thing in the morning. I am doing internet course after internet course. I am doing art. I started watching a movie every day. I should be walking every day. (I am not.) I am doing Pilates 2x a week. I force myself.

    The point I want to make is this: When we are moving or praying or drawing or actively studying engrossed in the material, with homework to turn in, and deadlines to make, we are engaged in a world of our own making. The past 48 hours have been a nightmare for me with my son. But in the midst of it, I did 6 hours of drawing homework, and I was in another world.

    I woke up again this morning in agony, but in a second I had decided what to do with my son. And I did it. I am trying NOT to marinate myself in agony. I am trying to climb out of the vat. As I can. And when I do fall into the vat, I am trying to act immediately to find a way to climb out.

    Beta. You are in the vat. You don't have to be. If you make it your mission to leave the vat, you will. There will be moments when you fall back. But if you have a safety net of all kinds of activities, you can save yourself each time.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2019
  7. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Copa, I am so sorry for the emotional agony YOU are experiencing with YOUR son. Truly. I just want you to know that. I would not wish the kind of emotional devastation we parents on this site on anybody. It does feel like being eaten alive; that's a good analogy.
    Yes, I can choose to walk away at any time. On the days I consciously decide not to think about him, other than to momentarily stop and pray for him, or imagine what he's doing, or what could happen to him, etc., I feel so much better.
    I do want to disengage from him, as much as possible, because he is not willing to get help and so anything that is done for him is, as my husband said the other night, "a fool's errand." It's pointless and a waste. Without treatment, it doesn't matter how much money is spent or given, what environment they are placed in, etc.

    When I am actively engaged in his problems from one day to the next, I feel like I'm drowning in fear and sadness. I do not want to live this way. I cannot live this way the rest of my life.

    If I knew what I know now back when we got the call from the adoption agency, I would never have laid eyes on him, and I really mean that.
  8. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Same here. There is never 100 per cent peace when in the back of your mind you have to worry about how a loved one will cope after you are gone. I know my other kids and nieces who she has been so mean to will not stay connected to her. Her husband is as dysfunctional as she is. Poor Jaden most of all.
  9. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Do I ever know these feelings, the apprehension can be paralyzing. I am so sorry, but I am also glad you had a brief period of respite. We need those times to regroup and remember who WE are as people and parents. It's hard to let go of our free will of worry, but everything we know says it's not healthy to worry over what we cannot change. I know how hard it is to have family members who think they have the answers and judge us without knowing one iota about what it is really like. Now that your sister does, maybe she will be willing to be part of the solution with you, instead of judging you. I am thinking of you.
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Truly, I do not feel this way.

    I would adopt my son again today, if I had the chance. He was my gift from g-d, the greatest blessing of my life. I will never ever believe differently. Do I feel differently in moments of exhaustion and despair? I have. But I am not my feelings. My life is not decided by feelings. My life is decided by intentions and by my decisions and actions.