My standard line became, "I've got to go, I'll get back to you." It worked, it unhooked me from the insanity. Stopped it cold in it's tracks and got me out.
Email from difficult child-- do I (how) respond?
- Thread starter BackintheSaddle
- Start date
BackintheSaddle
Active Member
when I stopped enabling her, she pretty much stopped contacting me.
Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...t child-do-i-how-respond.56370/#ixzz2sOfGW4kw
Hello everyone-- thanks for the posts last night and today...they're perfect...I've had a sad day today-- I guess it's the realization that I really don't matter to him...I was a single mom, decided to keep him, put myself through school so I could afford a decent life for us, terminated his sperm donors rights because he didn't want anything to do with him, married a wonderful man who immediately adopted difficult child and we've been a family ever since...my husband has put up with so much crap from that child...when you suggest above, let's pause and talk about it later, when my difficult child lived here the last few months, I tried that a couple of times...I would say I want to talk about it later and turn and walk away...he'd follow me and keep at it!...trying to make his point, bully me (I realized later) into giving him what he wanted...I hope it works better for you than it did for me!...;-)....you're so right about the circular conversations and how I'd walk away from them so so many times thinking I must have misremembered, misunderstood, something for things to be so out of whack!?...but it mostly wasn't me-- I can't say I haven't made mistake, but I can say that I did everything for that child that was humanly possible, standing by him through so much crap at school, with friend after friend not wanting to have anything to do with him and me always being there to play or take him to the movie as he got older so he wouldn't be alone...I poured my heart into raising him and isn't that what we're supposed to do? that's what they teach us anyhow...but he's got such a sick thought process that he can't remember anything (literally) good about his childhood, says it was horrible (mind you, we've travelled alot, done a lot of fun things, hung out at the beach a lot, etc)...no alcohol or drugs in the home and the only abuse came from him...we always used language like 'I don't like your behavior' or whatever and not say 'you', no imply that it was him but what he was doing that was the problem...still do that but he has nothing nice to say about me or his life growing up...I do feel so tired and used...and I keep wondering today, which I guess is why I can't shake the sadness, what did I do it all for? maybe I should have just let him do whatever, not be as engaged in his life as I was...then it wouldn't hurt so bad now that he doesn't give a damn...
thanks for the messages...just having a bad day, trying not to cry and push myself to get through it...things will be better tomorrow!...;-)
Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...t child-do-i-how-respond.56370/#ixzz2sOfGW4kw
Hello everyone-- thanks for the posts last night and today...they're perfect...I've had a sad day today-- I guess it's the realization that I really don't matter to him...I was a single mom, decided to keep him, put myself through school so I could afford a decent life for us, terminated his sperm donors rights because he didn't want anything to do with him, married a wonderful man who immediately adopted difficult child and we've been a family ever since...my husband has put up with so much crap from that child...when you suggest above, let's pause and talk about it later, when my difficult child lived here the last few months, I tried that a couple of times...I would say I want to talk about it later and turn and walk away...he'd follow me and keep at it!...trying to make his point, bully me (I realized later) into giving him what he wanted...I hope it works better for you than it did for me!...;-)....you're so right about the circular conversations and how I'd walk away from them so so many times thinking I must have misremembered, misunderstood, something for things to be so out of whack!?...but it mostly wasn't me-- I can't say I haven't made mistake, but I can say that I did everything for that child that was humanly possible, standing by him through so much crap at school, with friend after friend not wanting to have anything to do with him and me always being there to play or take him to the movie as he got older so he wouldn't be alone...I poured my heart into raising him and isn't that what we're supposed to do? that's what they teach us anyhow...but he's got such a sick thought process that he can't remember anything (literally) good about his childhood, says it was horrible (mind you, we've travelled alot, done a lot of fun things, hung out at the beach a lot, etc)...no alcohol or drugs in the home and the only abuse came from him...we always used language like 'I don't like your behavior' or whatever and not say 'you', no imply that it was him but what he was doing that was the problem...still do that but he has nothing nice to say about me or his life growing up...I do feel so tired and used...and I keep wondering today, which I guess is why I can't shake the sadness, what did I do it all for? maybe I should have just let him do whatever, not be as engaged in his life as I was...then it wouldn't hurt so bad now that he doesn't give a damn...
thanks for the messages...just having a bad day, trying not to cry and push myself to get through it...things will be better tomorrow!...;-)
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I adopted a child at age six, which was probably too late and I don't advice anyone adopt a child who is any older than an infant. They just don't always attach.
However, I gave my son a good life. I did everything you did for him. Now he has decided I abused him, forced him to pay bills when he was a child (not sure where this fantasy came from), and I'm not even sure what else he thinks. But it is twisted thinking and not the reality that any of my other kids or my ex remember. He walked away from me and told his wife she should be afraid of me. She is. Who knows where these adult kids get their ideas? I hurt a lot when this adult child left and I feel badly for you...I know it hurts. It has been six years and I am mostly over it, because he has been so vile, but sometimes..it still hurts. A lot. But it did get better the more I saw him for who he is.
I do want you to maybe consider something that you probably haven't thought about. You seem to have been a stellar family, doing all the right things, everything you could do...of course, we all makes mistakes, but doesn't sound like he had anything to complain about. That brings me to Sperm Donor. I have learned, from adopting kids and hanging around with adoptive parents, that our adopted kids tend to be much more like their biological parents than we who raised them. Many parents are amazed, when meeting biological parents for the first time, how much their kids, who never even SAW these bio. parents, talk like, walk like and have interests like them. They also tend to screw up more if bio. mom/dad did. And, of course, mental illness is inherited. And so are personality traits. Yes, I do have a reason for typing the last two paragraphs and I WILL tie them together
Think about Sperm Donor for a second. I know it won't be a fond memory. You thought you got rid of him. All of us whose children have biological parents with bad traits hope we can overome the DNA they have in their bodies by giving them stability, choices, opportunities, piano lessons, dancing, baseball, and lots and lots of love. But...alas, your son is 50% his Sperm Donor's genes and perhaps Sperm Donor had his negative way of looking at life and his anger and he may have inherited more of SD than you. THAT is out of your control, but you certainly did nothing wrong.
Your son, in spite of his genetics, can still decide to take responsibility for his behavior and change, just as Sperm Donor could have. But, hey, don't blame yourself for giving your son a great life. And it does sound like he had a great life. And you were brave as hello to decide to raise him and then to find a great man to be his role model/father.
But you never can really dump the Sperm Donor or the Womb Contributor or, if, as I did, we adopt our kids...their birthparent's genes live within their biological children. And that is not our faults.
I don't know if your son is like Sperm Donor or not, it is not his fault that he is, although he can certainly decide to be a different type of person than he is. But it is then certainly not YOUR fault at all that he chose not to cash in on a great life and to take no responsibility for his actions and to lash out...perhaps as hie Sperm Donor might have.
Please put that guilt on a shelf. You were a great mother to him, in spite of his blather which is only to justify why he is acting like a spoiled brat...and worse.
It is very important that all of us remember that these problems are not our faults, because our difficult children are forever telling us why the way they are is our faults, and they argue as well as lawyers. But they are just manipulating us and we all are good, loving, caring parents or we would not be here.
Hugs!!!
However, I gave my son a good life. I did everything you did for him. Now he has decided I abused him, forced him to pay bills when he was a child (not sure where this fantasy came from), and I'm not even sure what else he thinks. But it is twisted thinking and not the reality that any of my other kids or my ex remember. He walked away from me and told his wife she should be afraid of me. She is. Who knows where these adult kids get their ideas? I hurt a lot when this adult child left and I feel badly for you...I know it hurts. It has been six years and I am mostly over it, because he has been so vile, but sometimes..it still hurts. A lot. But it did get better the more I saw him for who he is.
I do want you to maybe consider something that you probably haven't thought about. You seem to have been a stellar family, doing all the right things, everything you could do...of course, we all makes mistakes, but doesn't sound like he had anything to complain about. That brings me to Sperm Donor. I have learned, from adopting kids and hanging around with adoptive parents, that our adopted kids tend to be much more like their biological parents than we who raised them. Many parents are amazed, when meeting biological parents for the first time, how much their kids, who never even SAW these bio. parents, talk like, walk like and have interests like them. They also tend to screw up more if bio. mom/dad did. And, of course, mental illness is inherited. And so are personality traits. Yes, I do have a reason for typing the last two paragraphs and I WILL tie them together
Think about Sperm Donor for a second. I know it won't be a fond memory. You thought you got rid of him. All of us whose children have biological parents with bad traits hope we can overome the DNA they have in their bodies by giving them stability, choices, opportunities, piano lessons, dancing, baseball, and lots and lots of love. But...alas, your son is 50% his Sperm Donor's genes and perhaps Sperm Donor had his negative way of looking at life and his anger and he may have inherited more of SD than you. THAT is out of your control, but you certainly did nothing wrong.
Your son, in spite of his genetics, can still decide to take responsibility for his behavior and change, just as Sperm Donor could have. But, hey, don't blame yourself for giving your son a great life. And it does sound like he had a great life. And you were brave as hello to decide to raise him and then to find a great man to be his role model/father.
But you never can really dump the Sperm Donor or the Womb Contributor or, if, as I did, we adopt our kids...their birthparent's genes live within their biological children. And that is not our faults.
I don't know if your son is like Sperm Donor or not, it is not his fault that he is, although he can certainly decide to be a different type of person than he is. But it is then certainly not YOUR fault at all that he chose not to cash in on a great life and to take no responsibility for his actions and to lash out...perhaps as hie Sperm Donor might have.
Please put that guilt on a shelf. You were a great mother to him, in spite of his blather which is only to justify why he is acting like a spoiled brat...and worse.
It is very important that all of us remember that these problems are not our faults, because our difficult children are forever telling us why the way they are is our faults, and they argue as well as lawyers. But they are just manipulating us and we all are good, loving, caring parents or we would not be here.
Hugs!!!
Oh BITS, you didn't do anything wrong, I'm sure you were a loving, nurturing, wonderful mother to your son. There are many stages of this detaching stuff and one part is the self blame and the guilt..............it certainly pushes us in that direction when our kids blame us for everything, but the rest we do to ourselves. "If I were a better Mom, this wouldn't be happening to my son"................."I could have somehow done something to prevent this."............."It's all my fault."...........and scores of more self blame. We somehow believe we have the power to work a miracle with our kids............we will love them enough, get them enough resources, stand by them, do whatever it takes to make whatever is wrong, right. And.......................we don't have that power. None of us have the power to change another person, or help him if he doesn't want help. There is NOTHING you can do, and NOTHING you could have done to change any of this.
He is who he is and the reason becomes irrelevant once he is an adult and refuses any help............there is nothing more you could have done or can do now. Keep telling yourself, "this is not my fault."
I remember when all of this came together for me and one day I said out loud, "none of this has anything to do with me, this is not my fault." It was like a totally new thought..................I said it quite a bit for awhile too............it was very freeing.
You did everything you could do, everything you knew to do, if you knew more, you would have done more. That is ALL any of us can ever do. Let yourself off that guilt hook. It will only cause suffering for you. Suffering you don't deserve. Your son is choosing the life he is in, as my daughter is, as the adult kids of everyone here is........
You did it all because he is your son, you love him and you wanted him to have a wonderful life. It wasn't a wasted effort, you enjoyed a lot of your life with him, as he did with you. He may not admit that now, but that's the truth. But, really, now he has other plans. We need to let go and let them go where they want to be.
He may or may not wake up. But you have a whole life to live. You have husband, a farm, horses, you have a beautiful life you can now focus on. Do something especially kind for yourself today, tomorrow, and every single day. We're right here BITS, you're not alone............hugs.........
He is who he is and the reason becomes irrelevant once he is an adult and refuses any help............there is nothing more you could have done or can do now. Keep telling yourself, "this is not my fault."
I remember when all of this came together for me and one day I said out loud, "none of this has anything to do with me, this is not my fault." It was like a totally new thought..................I said it quite a bit for awhile too............it was very freeing.
You did everything you could do, everything you knew to do, if you knew more, you would have done more. That is ALL any of us can ever do. Let yourself off that guilt hook. It will only cause suffering for you. Suffering you don't deserve. Your son is choosing the life he is in, as my daughter is, as the adult kids of everyone here is........
You did it all because he is your son, you love him and you wanted him to have a wonderful life. It wasn't a wasted effort, you enjoyed a lot of your life with him, as he did with you. He may not admit that now, but that's the truth. But, really, now he has other plans. We need to let go and let them go where they want to be.
He may or may not wake up. But you have a whole life to live. You have husband, a farm, horses, you have a beautiful life you can now focus on. Do something especially kind for yourself today, tomorrow, and every single day. We're right here BITS, you're not alone............hugs.........
BackintheSaddle
Active Member
You guys are amazing...what you must have gone through to be where you are today...I've been 'babying' myself tonight (watching tv, reading mags) and decided to check in...thanks so much for the hugs, advice, and hard lessons learned...yes, MWM, that SD was a BIG loser (he's the one who finally convinced me I was making bad choices with the men I was picking and needed Al-Anon!)...;-)....that was before I found out I was pregnant...but nonetheless, genes are powerful sources of our stuff so removing SD from difficult child's life legally didn't mean it happened genetically, huh?!...
;-)...you're all right, I need to quit having a pity party and get on with living my life!
;-)...you're all right, I need to quit having a pity party and get on with living my life!
