I have been having problems with my now 21 year old daughter for around 4 years. I'd like to tell everyone the story and hopefully receive some good advice. The situation has taken place over years, so this explanation is rather long, sorry.
Just over 6 years ago I got divorced. I have two daughters now 21, Shannon, and 18, Shay. My ex was unfaithful and even though I wanted the whole world to know at the time of our divorce, he and I agreed that we would never fully disclose the reason for our divorce. I did not want my kids to think poorly of their father so we came us with a "not so detailed" version of our split to be shared with them and others.
My daughter Shannon and I were always close during her growing up years, enjoying the same hobbies and interests. Her strengths and weaknesses were also very similar to mine. My youngest daughter was a little more like her dad. My daughters have always been very close with each other, best friends. The bond only tightened with the divorce.
After the divorce Shannon was very angry with her father and rarely saw him or stayed with him for 3 years. Shay would go and stay with him weekly usually for a night because she didn't like being without Shannon and me. My ex remarried about 10 months after our divorce and this was very difficult for the girls. I was happy that he remarried. I knew that getting married would provide stability for him and eventually the girls if they would want to visit him .
Both of my daughters went/go to counseling. I think that Shannon's counselor finally convinced her to find peace with her dad. I encouraged it as well. As she started to do this, my younger daughter just followed suit.
My ex says that he is a born again Christian. I have no problem with this other than over the years he has been and then hasn't been a born again Christian many different times. He is very judgmental and believes that everyone should follow his religion and that he is the authority on all things right and wrong. He always acts very calmly and sort of hypnotically speaks to others.
We never did before but when Shay became a teenager she and I began to argue. At times she would become super angry and very irrational, not to unlike many teenagers. I would try talking with her because that had always worked with Shannon, but it didn't most of the time with Shay so I had to start punishing her. I used typical punishments depending on the infraction.
Shay became so upset with me one time when I gave her a punishment that she called her dad and this is where I believe that the problem started. Instead of him talking with me, getting my take on the situation, he listened to her, then told me off. Then, he came and picked her up and took her to his house. She was not punished there but instead told that he knew how she felt when I got angry etc etc....
Shannon being so close and protective of Shay became just as emotionally charged in these situations seeing that her little sister needed protection from me the person causing her all of this pain. This continued to happen. Shay would get into trouble and many times both my daughters would argue with me and both would leave with their dad. They would return after a few days when things cooled off. I know now that I should have just told them to stay at his house, but honestly at the time I was thinking about what a horrible parent he was and I didn't want them with him, hindsight is 20/20.
I have now learned that my ex told them that my unfaithfulness ended our marriage, that I had a horrible temper, and that I was a liar. He said that I had been emotionally and verbally abusive to him during our whole marriage. Of course none of this was remotely true. He had his brother, a practicing psychologist, come to his house on multiple occasions to "counsel" the girls on how to handle "my mental health issues", which he gave the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I believe this helped provide validation for anger that Shay felt towards me and maybe even provided a target for their anger caused by the divorce.
My ex got books from his brother on Borderline (BPD) and other books of the like and he and Shannon and sometimes Shay read them together. Shannon began talking to her counselor about this and her counselor bought in on the idea as well.
As time went on my ex used Shannon as Shay's mother. He spoke to her about issues regarding Shay and I excluded me completely. I was told that I "did not act like a mother" so I was not being treated as such. Shannon really came into her own during her senior year of high school so she appeared to everyone as if she had it all together. I believe that she was in a good place, however, it was NOT her job to parent Shay and she was NOT doing a good job of it, after all she was NOT HER MOM.
As you can imagine I became more and more frustrated. I felt like the Will Smith in the movie, "Enemy of the State" when he is TRYING to tell everyone that he was innocent and EVERYONE collectively believed him to be guilty, no one listened, and almost no one was in a position to help him. I was watching Shay participate in activities that were unsafe and that I knew would only cause more problems for her later. My hands were tied. My ex wouldn't talk to me. I couldn't get counselors to listen and even lawyers didn't know how/where to intervene.
I WAS NOT emotionally unstable at anytime nor have I ever been in my life, but all of this has taken a toll. I am actually very calm, go with the flow, patient, kind and helpful. After all, not many people can teach children and adults with multiple disabilities for over 25 years. My ex and I broke up because he was unfaithful and that was it, we rarely if ever argued or fought during our 19 years of marriage. I had typical issues with Shay as she became a teenager. I believe that if my ex would have either backed me up when I imposed a punishment or just let me parent at my house and he could have parented at his, none of this would have taken place.
As the years have gone by my youngest, Shay, and I actually get along quite well. She has seemed to have made it through most all of high school and outgrew the desire to make the poor choices of her earlier days. Any issues that seem to occur happen when Shannon comes home from college. Shannon is a junior in college now majoring in counseling and social work. Most of the time things are calm between us, however, if Shay happens to share even a slight annoyance with me to Shannon, or if Shannon and I don't agree on something... the problems begin again.
Shannon and I might be in a slight disagreement and she immediately takes the "parent" role over me. I don't want to "parent" her anymore, she is 21, but I don't need her to "parent" me! I do have rules in MY HOME and want them followed when she is at home, there are very few. If Shannon is angry with me she immediately goes into an emotional place telling me all that I have done wrong, sometimes from WAY back. I also get to hear repeatedly that I have a mental illness, Borderline Personality Disorder. Yep....it's STILL being said.
Last May, right before Shannon came home for summer break I found a paper that she wrote for class on Borderline (BPD) with ME as the subject of the paper. We had a long, I thought good discussion, about this and she said that she was wrong and now realized it and wanted to move on. I was SO relieved. Then, while helping her, by her request, with an email issue/book order, I saw an opened email to a professor. (I was NOT trying to read her email I thought the email was the one that she wanted me to read in order to help her to solve the "book" situation) It was only after reading about 3 lines of the email that I realized she was telling this professor about "MY MENTAL ILLNESS" and all that she and her sister have had to endure because of it. I couldn't believe it!
A few things, firstly, I am not going to pass judgement on anyone suffering from a mental illness, I have spent all of my years as a special education teacher helping children and adults who need intensive assistance. The problem that I have is that I DO NOT HAVE a mental illness, let alone this particular one that does not in the least bit describe me. Secondly, I really don't care what Shannon believes about me at this point. She can think how/what she wants. What I do care about is not being allowed to parent/assist/guide Shay as she transitions from high school into college, this is a very important time in her life. When Shannon is around and sometimes when she is not around, this is a concern, because my input is a source of constant problems. Thirdly, the fact that she is telling EVERYONE who will listen that I have this illness as well as posting it on social media has been a problem with my career advancement and socially in my town. Lastly, I am sad that this is what Shannon's and my relationship has come to, we used to have such wonderful times together.
I would just like it if Shannon would let me live my life and for her to go and live hers. I have a happy life with lots of friends, wonderful extended family and a serious boyfriend. I have a good job and have had opportunities to advance to great possibilities. Shay will graduate this year, and I will be finished raising my kids. They will be adults. Although, I desire to have close relationships with them I can't control that and can only do my part. I guess at this point I'm not sure if I just continue to wait, pray and hope for things to get better with Shannon? Or is there something I could/should be doing now to help to heal this relationship and my little family? Like I said, I know this is long but if any of you have input that you would like to share I would be appreciative.
Thanks, Meghan
Just over 6 years ago I got divorced. I have two daughters now 21, Shannon, and 18, Shay. My ex was unfaithful and even though I wanted the whole world to know at the time of our divorce, he and I agreed that we would never fully disclose the reason for our divorce. I did not want my kids to think poorly of their father so we came us with a "not so detailed" version of our split to be shared with them and others.
My daughter Shannon and I were always close during her growing up years, enjoying the same hobbies and interests. Her strengths and weaknesses were also very similar to mine. My youngest daughter was a little more like her dad. My daughters have always been very close with each other, best friends. The bond only tightened with the divorce.
After the divorce Shannon was very angry with her father and rarely saw him or stayed with him for 3 years. Shay would go and stay with him weekly usually for a night because she didn't like being without Shannon and me. My ex remarried about 10 months after our divorce and this was very difficult for the girls. I was happy that he remarried. I knew that getting married would provide stability for him and eventually the girls if they would want to visit him .
Both of my daughters went/go to counseling. I think that Shannon's counselor finally convinced her to find peace with her dad. I encouraged it as well. As she started to do this, my younger daughter just followed suit.
My ex says that he is a born again Christian. I have no problem with this other than over the years he has been and then hasn't been a born again Christian many different times. He is very judgmental and believes that everyone should follow his religion and that he is the authority on all things right and wrong. He always acts very calmly and sort of hypnotically speaks to others.
We never did before but when Shay became a teenager she and I began to argue. At times she would become super angry and very irrational, not to unlike many teenagers. I would try talking with her because that had always worked with Shannon, but it didn't most of the time with Shay so I had to start punishing her. I used typical punishments depending on the infraction.
Shay became so upset with me one time when I gave her a punishment that she called her dad and this is where I believe that the problem started. Instead of him talking with me, getting my take on the situation, he listened to her, then told me off. Then, he came and picked her up and took her to his house. She was not punished there but instead told that he knew how she felt when I got angry etc etc....
Shannon being so close and protective of Shay became just as emotionally charged in these situations seeing that her little sister needed protection from me the person causing her all of this pain. This continued to happen. Shay would get into trouble and many times both my daughters would argue with me and both would leave with their dad. They would return after a few days when things cooled off. I know now that I should have just told them to stay at his house, but honestly at the time I was thinking about what a horrible parent he was and I didn't want them with him, hindsight is 20/20.
I have now learned that my ex told them that my unfaithfulness ended our marriage, that I had a horrible temper, and that I was a liar. He said that I had been emotionally and verbally abusive to him during our whole marriage. Of course none of this was remotely true. He had his brother, a practicing psychologist, come to his house on multiple occasions to "counsel" the girls on how to handle "my mental health issues", which he gave the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I believe this helped provide validation for anger that Shay felt towards me and maybe even provided a target for their anger caused by the divorce.
My ex got books from his brother on Borderline (BPD) and other books of the like and he and Shannon and sometimes Shay read them together. Shannon began talking to her counselor about this and her counselor bought in on the idea as well.
As time went on my ex used Shannon as Shay's mother. He spoke to her about issues regarding Shay and I excluded me completely. I was told that I "did not act like a mother" so I was not being treated as such. Shannon really came into her own during her senior year of high school so she appeared to everyone as if she had it all together. I believe that she was in a good place, however, it was NOT her job to parent Shay and she was NOT doing a good job of it, after all she was NOT HER MOM.
As you can imagine I became more and more frustrated. I felt like the Will Smith in the movie, "Enemy of the State" when he is TRYING to tell everyone that he was innocent and EVERYONE collectively believed him to be guilty, no one listened, and almost no one was in a position to help him. I was watching Shay participate in activities that were unsafe and that I knew would only cause more problems for her later. My hands were tied. My ex wouldn't talk to me. I couldn't get counselors to listen and even lawyers didn't know how/where to intervene.
I WAS NOT emotionally unstable at anytime nor have I ever been in my life, but all of this has taken a toll. I am actually very calm, go with the flow, patient, kind and helpful. After all, not many people can teach children and adults with multiple disabilities for over 25 years. My ex and I broke up because he was unfaithful and that was it, we rarely if ever argued or fought during our 19 years of marriage. I had typical issues with Shay as she became a teenager. I believe that if my ex would have either backed me up when I imposed a punishment or just let me parent at my house and he could have parented at his, none of this would have taken place.
As the years have gone by my youngest, Shay, and I actually get along quite well. She has seemed to have made it through most all of high school and outgrew the desire to make the poor choices of her earlier days. Any issues that seem to occur happen when Shannon comes home from college. Shannon is a junior in college now majoring in counseling and social work. Most of the time things are calm between us, however, if Shay happens to share even a slight annoyance with me to Shannon, or if Shannon and I don't agree on something... the problems begin again.
Shannon and I might be in a slight disagreement and she immediately takes the "parent" role over me. I don't want to "parent" her anymore, she is 21, but I don't need her to "parent" me! I do have rules in MY HOME and want them followed when she is at home, there are very few. If Shannon is angry with me she immediately goes into an emotional place telling me all that I have done wrong, sometimes from WAY back. I also get to hear repeatedly that I have a mental illness, Borderline Personality Disorder. Yep....it's STILL being said.
Last May, right before Shannon came home for summer break I found a paper that she wrote for class on Borderline (BPD) with ME as the subject of the paper. We had a long, I thought good discussion, about this and she said that she was wrong and now realized it and wanted to move on. I was SO relieved. Then, while helping her, by her request, with an email issue/book order, I saw an opened email to a professor. (I was NOT trying to read her email I thought the email was the one that she wanted me to read in order to help her to solve the "book" situation) It was only after reading about 3 lines of the email that I realized she was telling this professor about "MY MENTAL ILLNESS" and all that she and her sister have had to endure because of it. I couldn't believe it!
A few things, firstly, I am not going to pass judgement on anyone suffering from a mental illness, I have spent all of my years as a special education teacher helping children and adults who need intensive assistance. The problem that I have is that I DO NOT HAVE a mental illness, let alone this particular one that does not in the least bit describe me. Secondly, I really don't care what Shannon believes about me at this point. She can think how/what she wants. What I do care about is not being allowed to parent/assist/guide Shay as she transitions from high school into college, this is a very important time in her life. When Shannon is around and sometimes when she is not around, this is a concern, because my input is a source of constant problems. Thirdly, the fact that she is telling EVERYONE who will listen that I have this illness as well as posting it on social media has been a problem with my career advancement and socially in my town. Lastly, I am sad that this is what Shannon's and my relationship has come to, we used to have such wonderful times together.
I would just like it if Shannon would let me live my life and for her to go and live hers. I have a happy life with lots of friends, wonderful extended family and a serious boyfriend. I have a good job and have had opportunities to advance to great possibilities. Shay will graduate this year, and I will be finished raising my kids. They will be adults. Although, I desire to have close relationships with them I can't control that and can only do my part. I guess at this point I'm not sure if I just continue to wait, pray and hope for things to get better with Shannon? Or is there something I could/should be doing now to help to heal this relationship and my little family? Like I said, I know this is long but if any of you have input that you would like to share I would be appreciative.
Thanks, Meghan
You can nurture your positive relationships and it sounds like you have so many good people who love and appreciate the real you and not some made up fictional character. If you had Borderline (BPD), you would not have so many stable relationships in your life. You can calmly point that out to your girls once or twice. I would not push it. I say this as somebody who has borderline traits and has worked very hard to eliminate them when I can and to correct the mistake when I slide. You are fine and if it were me, I'd spend my days with those who know it, loving them and loving myself. This does not mean you have to not love your daughters, but if they hurt you, it isn't a bad idea to keep contact to a tolerable minimum. You can not make either of them change nor can you stop older one from influencing younger one or ex from being probably the narcissistic man that he is.
