Enough pain, lies and hurt - the boy needs to go.
- Thread starter Momnotlivingthedream
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Momnotlivingthedream
Had it up to here and i'm not coming down.
Thanks. I am finding it helpful already - kind of scary too. Scary because I'm learning it's probably a life-long challenge where difficult children don't often improve.
sodamnweary
New Member
Like I've done a hundred times, I was trolling the internet tonight about my very handsome troubled son and came across this site with a post mirroring much of what I've experienced. My 22 year old has never been easy, in fact always quite difficult, but these past 6 years or so have been a living hell for me. He's managed to stay out of trouble legally somehow but has bungled virtually every other aspect of his life - bad grades in school, two good colleges which he quit (that I got him into and let's not include the $155,000 that cost us), ridiculous amounts of all kinds of drugs (because it's "fun" he claims), dealing drugs at various points, shrinks, rehab, depression, defiance, disrespect, lies, lies and more lies, rage, nonstop drama, a verbally abusive girlfriend that's just as much a train wreck as him - I really could go on forever and none of it's good. I can't tell you how negatively he's impacted my wellbeing - years and years of it. He's also pretty much destroyed my relationship with my husband/his father since he's enabled this kid's behavior from DAY ONE, including yelling AT ME when this kid would be in one of his drug-fueled explosions and we'd be fighting and this kid would push me hard - numerous times and his Dad would yell AT ME! I told my husband that I'll never forgive him for those times, but that's only a fraction of his ignoring and condoning this kid's behavior. I realize this is irrational but I also blame my husband and his horrible gene pool for making this kid like this as all of his nephews are messed-up in similar ways and some even worse (homeless, prison, etc...) I'm also angry at myself for not seeing this when I was young and allowing myself to even get involved with him in the first place. I come from a family who is so far on the other side and this actually compounds the problem - I had to see all of my brothers' PERFECT children at Christmas, all of whom couldn't have been more shining and bright and excelling at everything, yet here is this bad seed that seems to emit negativity and for lack of a better word, almost a sleazy vibe. I did not raise him like this! I have given this kid everything, helped him WAY more all along the way than I should have and there's nothing different that I could have done to make him different. I have another son who, although not perfect, is a good kid. After yet more true AGONY that this kid has put me through in the past months, I told him that things have to change and I don't want to have a bad relationship with him anymore. He's promised things will be different but it'll be temporary. I'm sick that I have a kid like this. I don't like him virtually all of the time and beyond ashamed to admit that a lot of the time I'm not even sure I love him. He's destroyed me and I wonder how I can find any semblance of joy with knowledge that someone I've put so much effort into has turned into what he has. Yes, I know I need to detach - but I can't imagine getting over the profound disappointment and pain of what could've been and what is.
sodamnweary
New Member
Forgot to add in my post that my son also has ADD, a condition that I think has a lot more to it than known...
Hope_Floats
Member
I'm so sorry that you had to find us, weary, but I'm glad you did. And I'm glad that you realize that it wasn't bad parenting, but DNA that got you here.
You will find much support and wisdom here. Please stay. And read. Post to vent and get feedback, read other posts to learn. You are not alone. We understand, we have been there, and we hear you.
The grief is real, and painful. But many of us have learned to accept what is and move on. It is a long journey and one in which we need support and encouragement. Others will be along as well who will encourage and support you. You have come to the right place.
By the way, you will probably get better input and feedback if you start your own thread instead of replying to someone else's. Stick around, you'll get the hang of it.
You will find much support and wisdom here. Please stay. And read. Post to vent and get feedback, read other posts to learn. You are not alone. We understand, we have been there, and we hear you.
The grief is real, and painful. But many of us have learned to accept what is and move on. It is a long journey and one in which we need support and encouragement. Others will be along as well who will encourage and support you. You have come to the right place.
By the way, you will probably get better input and feedback if you start your own thread instead of replying to someone else's. Stick around, you'll get the hang of it.
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Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
I admire your honesty, both with yourself and with us. I love the way you see your situation. No guilt. No blaming yourself. A clearly stated acknowledgment that this child has destroyed something intrinsic in you.
"...that someone I've put so much effort into has turned into what he has."
"I can't imagine getting over the profound disappointment and pain of what could've been and what it."
No guilt.
This is where I want to get to.
Cedar
Momnotlivingthedream
Had it up to here and i'm not coming down.
I honestly know I need to detach but feel the same way as you. It will be a life sentence of agony for me if I do. I get what your saying about the gene pool but seems like that's a little unfair and what's done is done. What I don't like to hear is your that husband has not been on the same page with you and failed to support you. I'm sure that's really compounded the problem for you
and although my husband and I have argued a lot about his enabling I never quite went through what you're going through there. That must make it exponentially hard. Have you been able to take him to a psychiatrist and have any diagnosis beyond the ADHD? Not that the that he would follow through on a therapeutic plan. I was just curious.
It really resonated me when you said that he's destroyed you because I feel the same way. I've become a much different person since all of this torture began. Used to be very optimistic, kept myself in good shape and had a positive outlook about the world. I now feel like a broken, beaten down, sad, woman where my circle of friends is very small compared to what it used to be, I'm not a great wife to my husband, mother to my other kids and I'm always on the verge of having some kind of anxiety attack due to years of PTSD of getting phone calls where something horrific has happened. Each phone call one step further into this incredulous realization that this person, the same beautiful boy I raised who was such a loving ball of joy in his younger years, is now someone I don't know, like or respect.
I'm not as far along in the process as many on here are. I am all talk on detachment but still have unrealistic hopes and think detachment will be the end of my ability to live my life. I know that sounds dramatic but that's how I feel. I feel like despite everything else being positive in my life, if I dont know hes ok, nothing will be ok in my world. I wish there were places to turn to in person where parents like us could talk.
2much2recover
Well-Known Member
I agree and I do not thing you ever get over it, you just learn, for your own mental and emotional health to move forward, leaving them and all their "stuff" behind you. You will never get over loving your child, having deep attached feelings for them. It just becomes a situation of literately it is you or them. Staying involved with someone who is mentally ill, or personality disordered is one of the saddest things in the world for a parent because chances are marginal at best of you ever having any kind of true back and forth loving relationship with them ever again.
I think, when we talk about DNA disorder, we somehow feel like we must now carry on our shoulders that it is our fault (DNA) or our DNA that brought this on our children. In the fog of self-blame we forget that the DNA could be that of a far off relative, or even closer to home, your parents and this disordered personality gene fortunately missed you. It had to because we don't act the way they do nor do we love (or not love as the case may be) the way they do. Also in our self-blame game we forget that because either we came from dysfunction, low self esteem or simply fell for a charming disordered person, we may have made mistakes in choosing (or overlooked) the shared DNA of our difficult child. Does any of this, that which we can not control, condemn us to a life of being treated poorly by the disordered person because we simply love them? I don't think it does, what I do think is that, depending on what they do, continue to do, or are unable to control how they treat us in a respectful way, after we know and accept deep in our own hearts, we have a responsibility to ourselves first. We owe it to ourselves to let go and let God for them but also for a chance at a happier life for our-self. Ironically for most of us we, before we can bare to "end it" we will allow them to treat us worse than we would ever allow them to treat others. We think for some reason, our own happiness doesn't count for much because we bore and raised these difficult child's.
Once you are able to step back and see that it is not you that is abandoning your child, but that there is something wrong with your child, whatever it is, that does not allow them to communicate with anyone beyond their needs, their wants, (that something likely beyond your control) that you have to start the long, lonely, emotional and painful walk of walking to re-gain your happiness, your joy. To consider that you may be able to have a life for yourself that extends beyond the role of mother/father and for whatever the reason, undeserving of bad treatment, takes time - but it does come to a point in time that ultimately what is in each animal, even the human ones, the will to survive.
Momnotlivingthedream
Had it up to here and i'm not coming down.
Wow. Thank you for such a wise post. It has to be me.
sodamnweary
New Member
Thanks for the above comments - it helps to know that I'm not alone but I agree that I wish there were face to face talks among us. Actually I'm going to a Al-Anon meeting tonight, something I was told a year ago to start attending when my son started rehab. I need to find some peace and things are so bad that I have to try anything at this point (including meditation, daily walks, etc...). I understand about feeling broken and beaten down. There have been so many times when I think I just can't do it anymore. Maybe I've also somewhat isolated myself in recent years as I think I'M a bit depressed because of this incredible dysfunction and pain in my house. Yes, my husband has NEVER been "on the same page", never supported anything - I've always considered myself a single parent. The ironic part is that we had the best time for the 11 years together before kids - I was so young when I started with him (19) and know nothing else but if I had a crystal ball back then, I would've run the other direction. I'm still fortunate though in ways as he's provided a privileged life for all of us, hasn't strayed, is hard-working, etc... I also realize how unfair and irrational it is being angry with him because his genes gave this kid his problems, but that's the way I feel. I've told him that I have to try to get past my anger and resentment and move on, but I wonder if I can do that. I also understand about the anxiety of waiting for the next ball to drop. I knew things were getting worse with my son in 2013 and after several doctors., that's what eventually led him to rehab. I had no idea he was into what he was and still can't understand it. I'm angry at his prior shrink who missed all of the warning signs that I now know, despite me pointing out to the shrink many times what in fact were these warning signs. I thought things would dramatically improve now that he's clean for a year, and some things slightly have, but I believe he's suffering from "dry drunk" syndrome - removed his substance abuse but hasn't continued with the rest of his rehabilitation. He takes antidepressants and he claims they help, which I understand would actually make things worse if he were bipolar. I had him at another dr. this summer and that one added an impulse control/anger disorder to the mix. I'm insisting that he get his own place for EVERYONE'S sake and I'm hoping that improves things. I still have hope that this kid will turn out better than he is now but they teach you in rehab (which I also attended as part of his program) that you have to save yourself first. I feel this way now but that can change tomorrow and I'm back trying to fix and save this kid. It's beyond exhausting.
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
It is scary.
http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?section=Education_Training_and_Peer_Support_Center
Al Anon and working the Twelve Step program for ourselves is a godsend.
Nothing about this is easy.
I am glad you both found us.
Welcome.
:O)
Cedar
All of the feelings are so real and devastating, it does feel as if we will never be able to truly be okay......however, we can move beyond them.
Detachment is a death, a death of the way things were, the way we wanted it to be for our kids. It is very similar to the stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It is a process. It takes time. It takes a big commitment on our part to change, to let go of what we have no control over. It also, in my opinion, takes a huge amount of support.
I came to this board 3 years ago. It was a very, very dark time with my daughter. Like the two of you, I was broken, exhausted, depleted, angry, filled with despair, grief, guilt and so much sorrow. I read all the stories here. It was remarkable to not feel so alone anymore. I began to realize that I had to stop enabling my child and waiting for her to change. It started to become clear that I was the one who had to do all the changing, all the learning, all of the letting go. She may or may not change. Did I want to have this be a life sentence of devastation for me?
I sought out professional help. I started a 2 year long Codependency program through a huge HMO which was part of their Substance Abuse Course. I ended up in a group with other parents with kids like ours here. I saw a therapist once a week and had the parent group once a week. I attended 12 step groups as much as I could and I stayed on this forum. I read a lot of books, Codependent no More by Melody Beattie, which is very good and any books by Pema Chodron, Brene Brown and Eckhart Tolle. I contacted NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness and talked to Social Workers and attended classes there. I made peace of mind, regardless of the circumstances going on around me, my goal.
It took a lot of work on my part to be able to successfully detach from my only child and learn to accept what is. It is not an easy journey, in particular when it involves our own children. The choice for me was if my child does not or cannot change, then I can either figure out a way to move through the pain of that and be okay, or I will suffer in a hell of misery for the rest of my life. I made the choice to at least try to move beyond the hell of it.
This is a harrowing path. I understand completely the feelings the two of you are having right now. It seems as if there is no way out and that the pain you are feeling right now will never go away. I know that feeling well. I think all of us here know that feeling well. It is excruciating. But, there is hope. There is a way out of the devastation. Al Anon is a good choice, there are many here who have found that to be a great source of solace and guidance. Therapy, parent groups, 12 step groups, clergy, whatever support feels appropriate to you, do it. It will shorten this and offer you comfort.
Mediation, yoga, exercise of any type, eating a very healthy diet, sleeping well, taking very good care of YOU will assist you in recovering and healing. Shifting the focus off of your kids and putting it on YOU will be a turning point. Once we make that shift, begin taking care of us as the priority, take in the support, take very good care of us, things begin to change, we begin to see clearly, we start to feel better, the choices in front of us seem manageable and doable.
Our kids sometimes change as we change. Sometimes not. We cannot make that the goal, we cannot control the choices of anyone else, that is one of the lessons. We are powerless in the face of it. Facing that powerlessness is not easy. But it is the truth. The truth is we have no power to make our kids do anything, the recognition of that is freeing. Getting there is tough. Support helps.
You are both at a turning point. You can choose to stay where you are and continue, which it sounds like you are pretty weary of at this point. Or you can choose to change. Change is hard. Change is not easy for us humans. But it is necessary. Here on this forum, we are all at varying degrees of that change, you will likely always find someone you can relate to in the journey........someone who will be right there with you.........others will be the beacon you see in the future who will help to guide you.........you will, if you stay, provide that beacon for others............that's what we do.........we help each other find our way through this dark maze..........
I'm glad you're both here. Hang in there..........it will get better...........
Momnotlivingthedream
Had it up to here and i'm not coming down.
Thank you.
HeadlightsMom
Well-Known Member
MWM -- Thank you for your words, above! Great insight! True and soothing words for us parents!
HeadlightsMom
Well-Known Member
MNLTD --- Welcome. Glad that you're here with us, but sad that life events had to bring you here. I just joined this group a few months ago and, like you, was utterly shocked how relieved I was to find others exist with same scenario. Although some of our scenarios differ somewhat, the overlaps is STUNNING. I mean, just STUNNING. My mouth just hung wide open for minutes on end when I first discovered how much overlap in our stories.
My heart is with you. I, also, second others' who think there should be another evaluation. Could be any number of diagnoses mingling. Or not. See.......that's the hard thing about this whole mess. And while having a diagnosis may help your child's situation (or not), it always seems to help us parents (to some degree, anyway) in understanding the situation a little better.
It is so hard being the parent of a difficult child! We understand......and we are here for you. Take care and share whenever you feel inclined. We care. We, also, are "notlivingthatdream". (love your screen name, by the way)
My heart is with you. I, also, second others' who think there should be another evaluation. Could be any number of diagnoses mingling. Or not. See.......that's the hard thing about this whole mess. And while having a diagnosis may help your child's situation (or not), it always seems to help us parents (to some degree, anyway) in understanding the situation a little better.
It is so hard being the parent of a difficult child! We understand......and we are here for you. Take care and share whenever you feel inclined. We care. We, also, are "notlivingthatdream". (love your screen name, by the way)
I used to feel the same way. I used to think "how can I ever be happy again knowing my one and only child is homeless" and yet here I am living a very happy life.
It takes time. I have been dealing with my difficult child for 20 years. I was able to detach from my son because husband and I have done all we can to try and help him get his life on track. We literally spent years and tens of thousands of dollars in hopes that "this time" he will get it together. I lost track of how many "this time's" there were. The chaos from difficult child was affecting my physical and emotional health and I could not allow him to have that kind of power over my emotions any longer. Let me repeat that part, I could not allow him to have that kind of power over my emotions any longer.
He was sucking the life force right out of me and it had to stop and the only way was to let him go. It became crystal clear that I could not help him and the only one I could help was myself. I have a life to live and I have to live it for myself. I'm 51, I'm also a cancer survivor. I don't know how many more years I will be blessed to have but I do know that I cannot waste any more of my time or energy worrying about my son. I know he doesn't worry about me or husband. I have to focus on relationships that are healthy and all the positive things in my life. I have a wonderful life and am very happy. 15 years ago I could not have imagined that I would be.
Don't get me wrong, I will always love my son and will hold onto hope that someday he will decide to make changes in his life but bottom line it's his life and his choices. If he chooses to not work and be homeless there is nothing I can do to change it and not for lack of trying.
Hang in there, you will get through this.
2much2recover
Well-Known Member
Like grief, these deep, dark emotions are only something you can stay in for periods of time. These rush of emotions will ebb and flow over time. The hardest part of having a disordered child is that while you will never stop loving that child, sometimes the situation warrants that you love them, for your own sanity, from afar. They are there, but loving them is the chosen weapon to use against you. So you don't stop loving them, when you are ready you just make a choice to back away and stop allowing them to you the fact they they know you love them as a weapon against you. Also because the acts of the difficult child take up so much of our energies (mentally, emotionally and even financially) at what point does it become dysfunctional for you to focus so much on the difficult child child and a "good outcome". Is all this focus taking the time and love away from you spouse/partner? Other children? With the financial help you are giving are you endangering your future welfare, your retirement? How long can you imagine in the future you can allow the difficult child to continue to strain you, you relationships and your financial well being? Only each parent here can answer those questions for themselves. Little by little relationships with a difficult child child (adult) chip away at what every good person is deserving of, a happy life.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
HLM, most of us were over-the-top incredible in trying to help our kids from a young age, and you seem like you did what most of us did. My son, who seemed like he had a combo of narcissism and antisocial in his younger years, was put into a hospital for his anger at age twelve. But, dang, he told me a sob story about how awful it was and how he had to hear, in group therapy, about being raped and other bad stuff and I panicked and got him discharged. Grrrrrrrrrrr. He was playing me as young as twelve. He was in therapy from age eight unti he refused to go anymore, and I tried so hard to get him to go and when he wouldn't *I* went to extra therapy to find out what *I* was doing wrong to make him so disrespectful and devious. I get tired thinking of those days. Finally he started threatening me and scaring me so he ended up leaving, at my wish. That didn't make it less awful though. But it did make our house safer for my youngest. I was divorced at the time and he was much bigger than me and much older than my daughter, who he routinely terrorized and abused...it is hard to type this about my own child. But he did these things. He seems to be much better now, but he lives two states away. I can only hope I'm right.
HLM, you will never give up hoping he will change, not in your heart. But you and I can not make our grown children change. They have to do it themselves. We are guiltless. I really think a lot of their behavior is genetic. There are so many who are ten times worse than my son on my family tree. I know he got it from me. But if I had known...but I didn't know. Do I have to blame myself forever? I don't...but I wish I had gone with my first instinct which was to adopt all my children so that I didn't pass around my genes. Sounds weird, right?
Anyhow, I so feel for you and your pain. I am in such a better place now, but when I was younger and he was younger, I was really a mess because he was a mess.
Hang in there. You rock
HLM, you will never give up hoping he will change, not in your heart. But you and I can not make our grown children change. They have to do it themselves. We are guiltless. I really think a lot of their behavior is genetic. There are so many who are ten times worse than my son on my family tree. I know he got it from me. But if I had known...but I didn't know. Do I have to blame myself forever? I don't...but I wish I had gone with my first instinct which was to adopt all my children so that I didn't pass around my genes. Sounds weird, right?
Anyhow, I so feel for you and your pain. I am in such a better place now, but when I was younger and he was younger, I was really a mess because he was a mess.
Hang in there. You rock
Momnotlivingthedream
Had it up to here and i'm not coming down.
Hope I have your strength someday. Great post, thanks.
