Estrangement

[RedCedar]

After four months of having my 36yo son living in my home to "get on his feet", four months that he spent stoned pretty much 24x7 and excelling at Twitter and RPG's, four months in which he saved NO money, four months in which I drove him back and forth to his part-time job, four months during which I asked him every couple of weeks what progress he was making toward getting out on his own; four weeks of turning his room into a pigsty of dirty dishes, dirty clothes, filth - common scenario, I suppose.

The last time I asked him, after setting a deadline (2 months, which seemed reasonable) to hopefully create some urgency, how he was doing - he blew up. Screamed and swore at me, blamed me for everything wrong in his life. I was crying so hard I could hardly speak. My SO called and said he was coming over. He knocked on my son's door; was told to "LEAVE ME ALONE!", opened the door and told my son it was time to go - NOW. With or without the police. Son pushed at the door; SO pushed back. SO came out and dialed 911. Son came out of room threatening SO ("I'll beat the S(tuffing?) out of you!") SO kept talking to police. Son rushed to throw drug paraphernalia in the river - kept only the small amount of "stash" he had left.

The police arrived, and we explained the incident. Son said he was having a "mental health crisis"; I offered to drive him to the hospital; when police said he would not be arrested, he refused to go to the hospital. Police offered him a ride to town, but he wanted his bicycle. Police found and confiscated his stash - a tiny amount of very concentrated cannabis oil. In the end, son left on his own, on his bicycle.

I have seen him only a few times since - once when he came to get his things, and a few times as I was driving around our small town. He is staying in touch with his brother and sister, thankfully, so I do get a little news.

Shortly before Christmas he asked my daughter in law to drive him to the hospital for mental health issues. He said the house he was living in was full of addicts and he could no longer take living there. He was hospitalized for few days and the hospital got him set up to go to a halfway house. I was happy about that, thinking he was going to get the help he needed. He was to be discharged on the 22nd of December.

After not hearing from him, my daughter in law called the hospital to determine whether he'd been discharged, and to try to locate him. The hospital confirmed discharge but would provide no other information (yes, we understand HIPAA). After 48 hours- Christmas Eve - and my eldest trying numerous times to contact him- we were getting worried. He'd been suicidal when admitted to the hospital (no actions; he was just having thoughts, he said). It was VERY cold. Late on Christmas Eve, I broke down and said, "I just want to know that my son is ALIVE!" My daughter in law, an RN, called the hospital again, trying to get information on where he MIGHT be. No help. We called homeless shelters, group homes, everything we could think of.

Finally I thought of one more avenue - Twitter. He'd blocked me long ago (though I *never* responded to the nasty things he said to me via Twitter), but my eldest has a Twitter account. Eldest searched for him and found his account. There were photos of a big Christmas Eve dinner he'd prepared - back at the meth house that he'd been living in prior to the hospitalization. It was sad that he'd deliberately ignored my eldest's calls and texts and e-mails, but at least we knew he was alive.

He'd been invited to the eldest's home for Christmas Day (after refusing to come if I was there). I left early Christmas morning, and he did call his brother. I was so happy to see photos on Facebook posted by my daughter in law - he was making cookies with his brother and two little nieces... rather bittersweet, of course.

I had changed my Twitter account a few months back and had not realized that I could see his posts. I figured it out... and read them. According to what he says, he's lost all of his jobs for "pointing out illegal/shady practices", has NO contact with his family (and wants even less), he's a veteran (threatened suicide in boot camp, was locked up for a few weeks then discharged), and he's started a gofundme account to "keep himself off the streets".

I've been on an emotional roller coaster. I WANT OFF. Every 1-2 months I send a note, apologizing for the times I know I could have done better when he was a child, telling him I love him, telling him the door is always open to talk, telling him I'd be happy to meet. The only time he responded was once, threatening to get a restraining order. NOTE: I do not know where he lives. I have NEVER gone to his workplace. I do not know his phone number. I have not made any efforts to try to see him outside of the e-mails, and those are NOT often. He has cashed the check I sent for his birthday and accepted gifts I've sent through his brother when I've found out he was in need of something.

It's the hardest thing I have ever gone through, even more so than the death of my beloved husband.

Son was invited to a gathering (probably a surprise birthday party for my 60th this month?) and refused to come if I am there.

I'm hurting. I'm still feeling anger at times. I need to learn how to detach before this eats away at me any further. Thank you for reading.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi. Your son is acting like a toddler brat after he made himself impossible to live with and used drugs. That is the truth of it. He threatened your husband and cussed you out in your own home.

That doesn't mean you don't still love him and sometimes forget he is an adult doing meth ( very nasty drug...my daughter used it with cocaine) however nothing about this drug use or his home in a meth house is anyone's fault but his. They all guilt us about how our divorce, or how we yelled at them at age ten or how we don't love them (big lie and they know it) drove them to this point but words are not facts. These types of words are meant to hurt and guilt us so that we feel bad (maybe because lthey are ashamed and need a scapegoat) and to get favors from us because of our guilt. Your son is punishing you because you dared to want hi to act half his age in your house. He wants you to put u with anything he shoves at you.

Drug addict adult kids can take over the family
Is that fair to the others?

You have 2 choices. You can ruin you golden years over an adult child you have no control over. Or you can get therapy and maybe go to NA to learn coping skills and to build a life for yourself. Your angst won't help your son improve or act more loving. The addicted brain is not kind.

You only have any control over one person...yourself. You are a good person and deserve to start loving yourself first. Your son will heal if he chooses, when he chooses. Your killing yourself with stress will not help your son. Please start being good to yourself and go for help. You need a fresh perspective. You need a therapist to put it into reality when adult son snubs or abuses you. You need to put a good life first too...for you. It can be done. Many of us do it/have done it.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Hugs and love

 

[RedCedar]

Love your reply. Thank you. One thing: son is not using meth (he's told my daughter in law this and it's actually believable). He did for a while in his 20's. His drug is called different things - shatter, dab, are two that I can think of. It's a VERY concentrated form of cannabis. He was using it constantly when he lived with me... before work, after work, throughout the night. It has become an addiction for him, and he has said he has a whole litany of ailments for which he uses it "medicinally". PTSD, anxiety, social anxiety disorder, and now seizures (which to any of the family's knowledge, he's never had).

No Nar-Anon around here, but I can do Al-Anon. And I *know* I can learn to detach.

 

[BusynMember]

No problem red cedar. I used Al Anon. It is pretty much the same thing.

I do have doubts that he isn't using meth. They all say it's just pot. My daughter did. Then after she quit she told the truth...meth, cocaine, ADHD drugs crushed and snorted, downers for sleep and psychodelics. But we believed it was only pot until we caught her with pills. We don't know what our drug kids do. We really don't. I think my jaw hit the floor as she told me Drug Tales, some scary stories too!

What your son admits to is bad enough.

Let us know how things go. If you want to vent we are here. Be good to you and have a peaceful night.

 

[Littleboylost]

Red Cedar;

How my heart goes out to you. First of all a very big hug. Second you have apologized enough. Nothing you did in his childhood can compare with what he has done to you.

He is an adult and an addict. Mental health issues asside. He knows how and where to get help and chooses not to.

If love could cure this none of us would be here.

Be good to yourself, read and go to support groups focus on yourself.

If he accepts your gifts and you feel good about that great. We all do what our hearts can bear. Detachment is a process. It is not a one and done. It is a daily practice on a continuum of emotions and human frailty.

I have be through hell and back with my son and we are still in the throws of it all.

You are making good choices and being strong with your boundaries and expectations. This is good. It’s not easy but it is what will help him if anything will.

He is highjacked by his monster of addiction, this will make his MH unstable and make him lie, cheat and steal and say horrible things. It is what it is. you didn’t Cause this, you can’t Cure this nor can you Control this. It is up to him and I suggest you get out of his way.

Be good to yourself and know you are not alone.

 

[RedCedar]

Yes, he could be. Thank you again.

 

[Littleboylost]

Love your reply. Thank you. One thing: son is not using meth (he's told my daughter in law this and it's actually believable). He did for a while in his 20's. His drug is called different things - shatter, dab, are two that I can think of. It's a VERY concentrated form of cannabis. He was using it constantly when he lived with me... before work, after work, throughout the night. It has become an addiction for him, and he has said he has a whole litany of ailments for which he uses it "medicinally". PTSD, anxiety, social anxiety disorder, and now seizures (which to any of the family's knowledge, he's never had).

No Nar-Anon around here, but I can do Al-Anon. And I *know* I can learn to detach.

You find Naranon on line and by phone in as well. Dab is awful stuff and it is so high in THC here is no medicinal benefit to it. The majority of the benefit of MJ comes from CBD not THC and Dab is concetrated with THC. He can delude himself all he likes. No medicinal benefit in it at all. High doses of THC can unregulate a lot of MH issues as well. Sigh. I hear this crap from my son who was hooked on smoking weed and pot from his Bong. Nasty just nasty.

 

[RedCedar]

You find Naranon on line and by phone in as well. Dab is awful stuff and it is so high in THC here is no medicinal benefit to it. The majority of the benefit of MJ comes from CBD not THC and Dab is concetrated with THC. He can delude himself all he likes. No medicinal benefit in it at all. High doses of THC can unregulate a lot of MH issues as well. Sigh. I hear this crap from my son who was hooked on smoking weed and pot from his Bong. Nasty just nasty.

Thank you for that information - VERY helpful.

 

[Enmeshedmom]

After four months of having my 36yo son living in my home to "get on his feet", four months that he spent stoned pretty much 24x7 and excelling at Twitter and RPG's, four months in which he saved NO money, four months in which I drove him back and forth to his part-time job, four months during which I asked him every couple of weeks what progress he was making toward getting out on his own; four weeks of turning his room into a pigsty of dirty dishes, dirty clothes, filth - common scenario, I suppose.

The last time I asked him, after setting a deadline (2 months, which seemed reasonable) to hopefully create some urgency, how he was doing - he blew up. Screamed and swore at me, blamed me for everything wrong in his life. I was crying so hard I could hardly speak. My SO called and said he was coming over. He knocked on my son's door; was told to "LEAVE ME ALONE!", opened the door and told my son it was time to go - NOW. With or without the police. Son pushed at the door; SO pushed back. SO came out and dialed 911. Son came out of room threatening SO ("I'll beat the S(tuffing?) out of you!") SO kept talking to police. Son rushed to throw drug paraphernalia in the river - kept only the small amount of "stash" he had left.

The police arrived, and we explained the incident. Son said he was having a "mental health crisis"; I offered to drive him to the hospital; when police said he would not be arrested, he refused to go to the hospital. Police offered him a ride to town, but he wanted his bicycle. Police found and confiscated his stash - a tiny amount of very concentrated cannabis oil. In the end, son left on his own, on his bicycle.

I have seen him only a few times since - once when he came to get his things, and a few times as I was driving around our small town. He is staying in touch with his brother and sister, thankfully, so I do get a little news.

Shortly before Christmas he asked my daughter in law to drive him to the hospital for mental health issues. He said the house he was living in was full of addicts and he could no longer take living there. He was hospitalized for few days and the hospital got him set up to go to a halfway house. I was happy about that, thinking he was going to get the help he needed. He was to be discharged on the 22nd of December.

After not hearing from him, my daughter in law called the hospital to determine whether he'd been discharged, and to try to locate him. The hospital confirmed discharge but would provide no other information (yes, we understand HIPAA). After 48 hours- Christmas Eve - and my eldest trying numerous times to contact him- we were getting worried. He'd been suicidal when admitted to the hospital (no actions; he was just having thoughts, he said). It was VERY cold. Late on Christmas Eve, I broke down and said, "I just want to know that my son is ALIVE!" My daughter in law, an RN, called the hospital again, trying to get information on where he MIGHT be. No help. We called homeless shelters, group homes, everything we could think of.

Finally I thought of one more avenue - Twitter. He'd blocked me long ago (though I *never* responded to the nasty things he said to me via Twitter), but my eldest has a Twitter account. Eldest searched for him and found his account. There were photos of a big Christmas Eve dinner he'd prepared - back at the meth house that he'd been living in prior to the hospitalization. It was sad that he'd deliberately ignored my eldest's calls and texts and e-mails, but at least we knew he was alive.

He'd been invited to the eldest's home for Christmas Day (after refusing to come if I was there). I left early Christmas morning, and he did call his brother. I was so happy to see photos on Facebook posted by my daughter in law - he was making cookies with his brother and two little nieces... rather bittersweet, of course.

I had changed my Twitter account a few months back and had not realized that I could see his posts. I figured it out... and read them. According to what he says, he's lost all of his jobs for "pointing out illegal/shady practices", has NO contact with his family (and wants even less), he's a veteran (threatened suicide in boot camp, was locked up for a few weeks then discharged), and he's started a gofundme account to "keep himself off the streets".

I've been on an emotional roller coaster. I WANT OFF. Every 1-2 months I send a note, apologizing for the times I know I could have done better when he was a child, telling him I love him, telling him the door is always open to talk, telling him I'd be happy to meet. The only time he responded was once, threatening to get a restraining order. NOTE: I do not know where he lives. I have NEVER gone to his workplace. I do not know his phone number. I have not made any efforts to try to see him outside of the e-mails, and those are NOT often. He has cashed the check I sent for his birthday and accepted gifts I've sent through his brother when I've found out he was in need of something.

It's the hardest thing I have ever gone through, even more so than the death of my beloved husband.

Son was invited to a gathering (probably a surprise birthday party for my 60th this month?) and refused to come if I am there.

I'm hurting. I'm still feeling anger at times. I need to learn how to detach before this eats away at me any further. Thank you for reading.

I wonder what would happen if you stopped apologizing every 1 or two months and stepped writing checks for birthdays or holidays? If he wants something from you make it a requirement that he face you and talk to you respectfully. I think he knows he doesn’t have to and he can still get something from you, and your apologies are just icing on the cake that tell him he is not in the wrong here. My ex is in his 40’s and is horrible to his mother, always has been and she goes running to him still whenever he wants something. It is really hard to feel so rejected my our kids. I hope you do start putting yourself first. Good luck

 

[RN0441]

RedCedar:

Welcome and sorry you have to go through this.

Your son is a grown man that has an addiction problem. He has to figure this out on his own. Obviously your helping him is not truly helping and only enables him to continue in this destructive lifestyle. We are all guilty of it until we figure out what is truly going on.

Please know that this is NOT your fault and we can all tell that you are a loving mother. Addicts blame everyone else because they don't want to look at themselves.

I would limit contact with your son until he is ready to change his life. There is no reason you have to ride this rollercoaster with him. It's not helping him and the stress is certainly not good for you. You matter too. Your happiness matters too.

We decided not to wait until our son was READY to change. We forced it. He was much younger than your son is now and not wanting him to continue this life into his 30's is probably one of the driving factors in us getting really serious about pushing back and not enabling.

I suggest that you find a therapist for yourself that specializes in addiction. They can help you create firm boundaries with your son. He needs this as much as you do. I had to do that for myself also. It's not easy but it can be done.

This is tough stuff and not a quick or easy fix. Keep posting and reading here - I suggest the substance abuse forum because that is really what you are dealing with and the sooner you accept it the easier it will be to help yourself.

Good luck and we're here for you! We get it.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Red Cedar, welcome. I'm sorry you're going thru this nightmare with your son. You've received very good advice....please begin taking care of YOU now. You matter. You deserve a life of joy and peace.

It's time for your son to face the natural consequences of his choices. You cannot save him, fix him, heal him, control him or in any way make any difference that HE is not ready to make. You did not cause this. What you are is powerless.....which is the hardest thing to accept. We're all powerless to impact the lives of another. All we can do is learn how to respond differently. And learn how to accept what we can't control.

You might find solace in the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. You may also benefit from reading Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. Since your son has mental issues, you may try contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. You can access them online and they have chapters in many cities. They offer an excellent parent course which will provide you with resources, information, guidance and support. It may be helpful as well to look into Families anonymous or Al Anon, many here find comfort in the 12 step groups.

It sounds as if you've reached your "bottom." From that point, you can rise up. It's not easy to detach from our adult troubled kids choices and behaviors but it becomes necessary for our own health and well being. Get yourself as much support as you can muster. Continue posting, it helps to write down our stories and get support from others who understand and have compassion for our plight. Focus on your own needs now. Find joy and laughter, fun and comfort. Take care of YOU now. You're not alone.

 

[susiestar]

The others have given you wonderful advice. I am sorry that you are going through this. Addiction is a gift that infects the entire family even though only one person uses the substance in many cases. The rest just get the behaviors.

I do want to point out something. Relapse is incredibly common. Without active work on sobriety, relapse from meth use while being around active meth users is almost unheard of. Even if your son truly was clean for 10 years, clean of ALL substances, just living in and around meth users would be more than enough to push him into meth use. It would be for the majority of meth addicts. Your son wasn't clean, he was in active addiction to very concentrated THC at the very least.

Kicking your son out did NOT NOT NOT cause him to live with meth users and start to use meth. His CHOICES caused him to start doing this. He CHOSE that place to live. He CHOSE to behave atrociously to you and to your SO. He CHOSE the house with the meth addicts rather than to go somewhere else. He CHOSE addiction rather than to get clean. HE CHOSE.

You did not. Now it is time for you to choose. Choose yourself. Choose to demand to not be abused by him. He has shown that he can find his way out of the cold. It is time for you to choose yourself and your other children. They deserve that as much as you do. Read the books suggested, go to 12 step groups, get a therapist who makes sense to you. If the therapist tells you that you must give your son another chance in your home, get a new therapist. They are not all the right fit. Changing your behavior isn't easy, but you are a strong lady and I think you can do it. After all, you have come this far!