Expectations bleh
- Thread starter Triedntrue
- Start date
BusynMember1
Well-Known Member
Copa is right on the mark.
We need to in my opinion silence ourselves and not give them more ammo for abuse. They are not listening to our common sense. They are looking at our letters and texts to see what they can twist and hurt us with. We are their first line enemies when they are upset because we love them. Misery loves company. Plus they never take blame and the only one willing to listen to that nonsense is us. The more we listen and feed into it with answers of our own, the worse it is. For us.
At any rate, I have found that less is more.
Blessings to all.
We need to in my opinion silence ourselves and not give them more ammo for abuse. They are not listening to our common sense. They are looking at our letters and texts to see what they can twist and hurt us with. We are their first line enemies when they are upset because we love them. Misery loves company. Plus they never take blame and the only one willing to listen to that nonsense is us. The more we listen and feed into it with answers of our own, the worse it is. For us.
At any rate, I have found that less is more.
Blessings to all.
I have been exactly where you are! My son is also 37. He was in jail a couple of years ago (not his first go around). I had successfully detached from him quite a few years before his last stay in jail but that did not stop him from writing me a letter asking that I put $200 on his account because he needed the money in order to buy extra food and also toiletries, oh and he also wanted to buy a better pair of shoes. Seriously, shoes?? Where was he planning on walking to? I sent a reply letter to him. I told him I was not going to be putting any money on his account. I reminded him that jail was not supposed to be enjoyable. I also told him I knew that he was getting three square meals a day and also was supplied with all his basic needs.
He was in for 2 years. When he was released he told me "all the right things" how he was going to attend AA, get a job and get his life back on track. He actually did pretty good but he was on parole and knew if he screwed up, it was back to jail. Once he was off parole he couldn't get moving fast enough. He started working his way towards the NW so he could go work on a pot farm. He was close to his destination, he and the friend he was traveling (hitchhiking) with when he sent me a message. He was begging for money for a hotel room for a few days. I replied "I cannot help you. You are smart and can figure something out, I wish you well, I love you" Instead of replying to me, he posted some rather nasty comments on FB. So be it.
In the earlier years my husband and I have gone above and beyond to try and help our son get his life on a better track. We did buy him a house. It was a foreclosure but a nice modest house. It was well lived in and we started to rehab it. This was another time my son was released from jail. We bought the house so he could live in it (there was no way he was living with us in our house). All he had to do was get a job and start putting his life together. Needless to say it did not work out. We kept the house and rented it out for many years and finally decided to sell it last year.
The point is, it doesn't matter how much we do for them, it will never be enough and until we firmly start telling them NO, they will continue to try and guilt us into enabling them.
I love my son and I wish him well. He has made a choice to live a homeless wondering life. I don't like it but it is what it is.
Sending you ((HUGS))
He was in for 2 years. When he was released he told me "all the right things" how he was going to attend AA, get a job and get his life back on track. He actually did pretty good but he was on parole and knew if he screwed up, it was back to jail. Once he was off parole he couldn't get moving fast enough. He started working his way towards the NW so he could go work on a pot farm. He was close to his destination, he and the friend he was traveling (hitchhiking) with when he sent me a message. He was begging for money for a hotel room for a few days. I replied "I cannot help you. You are smart and can figure something out, I wish you well, I love you" Instead of replying to me, he posted some rather nasty comments on FB. So be it.
In the earlier years my husband and I have gone above and beyond to try and help our son get his life on a better track. We did buy him a house. It was a foreclosure but a nice modest house. It was well lived in and we started to rehab it. This was another time my son was released from jail. We bought the house so he could live in it (there was no way he was living with us in our house). All he had to do was get a job and start putting his life together. Needless to say it did not work out. We kept the house and rented it out for many years and finally decided to sell it last year.
The point is, it doesn't matter how much we do for them, it will never be enough and until we firmly start telling them NO, they will continue to try and guilt us into enabling them.
I love my son and I wish him well. He has made a choice to live a homeless wondering life. I don't like it but it is what it is.
Sending you ((HUGS))
JayPee
Sending good vibes...
Tanya
Thanks for sharing your story. It helps keep me be strong. Knowing that it’s not just my sons who say and do the same things gives me comfort.
The only true freedom from all this is when we can finally accept the situation and not feel we are responsible to fix their problems.
That’s when the change can begin in us. I say this all the time as affirmation to myself that WE ARE the ones who have to be the change. We cannot sit back and wait for adult children to change to be happy. Work thru the guilt, sadness and disappointments but get rid of the notion that you should only have peace and happiness if adult children with issues are doing ok.
If we waste our lives by putting it on hold until this happens we will possibly have wasted our lives away.
Thanks for sharing your story. It helps keep me be strong. Knowing that it’s not just my sons who say and do the same things gives me comfort.
The only true freedom from all this is when we can finally accept the situation and not feel we are responsible to fix their problems.
That’s when the change can begin in us. I say this all the time as affirmation to myself that WE ARE the ones who have to be the change. We cannot sit back and wait for adult children to change to be happy. Work thru the guilt, sadness and disappointments but get rid of the notion that you should only have peace and happiness if adult children with issues are doing ok.
If we waste our lives by putting it on hold until this happens we will possibly have wasted our lives away.
BusynMember1
Well-Known Member
It seems as if the more we do the less Kay tries.
Kay actually found a way to be homeless without our throwing money at her. Now I don't know where she is getting gas money etc. But Lee worked until they left for California.
Maybe they actually had to....SAVE!
Or maybe they are/were involved in some illegal ways to earn money.
Either way, they had to figure out how to get enough gas and food to drive far far away to California. Without us. And they have left in the camper so they found a way. It may not be my way. It may have been a very bad way. But it could have been a NOT illegal way too. They did it themselves.
I don't like that Lee and Kay will be living in a camper. But so far it runs and it's shelter that is bigger and better than a box. Lee is a good mechanic. Can't tell you how often both his parents and us begged him to get a job as a mechanic. But he is very lazy. Still, he will be able to somewhat maintain the camper until it's inevitable final collapse.
Here's both a bright and solemn note. They did the research to find where you can indefinitely park this camper and decided that of all the places they could be homeless in a camper, California was best. Of course this is not good news to those who legally live in high rent apartments or have homes in the area. I have read about the SF poop patrol (shudder).
I still feel a semi glimmer of hope because they will have to be on their own. We are very far away now. I also hope that they start to like not having Jaden around. He does sadly cry for his inept parents but he is getting love and support for the first time in his life. I love this brave little man to the stars. He doesn't need to live in a camper.
So.....the point of this?
Well, these adults do not want to follow society's rules or work hard. But Kay at least is finding out how to live in a lifestyle she won't give up. I suspect Lee and Kay will become very savvy at getting government benefits, something Kay once scoffed at. And this is good because unless Lee and Kay decide to get off the pot farm in their heads and work at a sustainable job, they will need to keep their benefits. The silly pride will dissapate and common sense will have to kick in. They NEED benefits. Maybe Kay would qualify for SSI. Who knows?
I think about what I know and have learned about epigenetics. Is that Kay's problem? We don't know her ancestors trauma. But then my husband and kids are pat black and have slavery going on and none of them are so steeped in trauma. Why? One more thing I can't know. Those annoying X factors.
I lean heavily on God to please guide Kay to a better path. Only He knows what she needs to learn here. Only He can help her. I hope she hears.
I know I can't help her. Husband can't. Nobody will, on either side of the family. We had Lee's folks over to see Jaden last Sunday and we had a long talk.
Have a blessed day, all.
Kay actually found a way to be homeless without our throwing money at her. Now I don't know where she is getting gas money etc. But Lee worked until they left for California.
Maybe they actually had to....SAVE!
Or maybe they are/were involved in some illegal ways to earn money.
Either way, they had to figure out how to get enough gas and food to drive far far away to California. Without us. And they have left in the camper so they found a way. It may not be my way. It may have been a very bad way. But it could have been a NOT illegal way too. They did it themselves.
I don't like that Lee and Kay will be living in a camper. But so far it runs and it's shelter that is bigger and better than a box. Lee is a good mechanic. Can't tell you how often both his parents and us begged him to get a job as a mechanic. But he is very lazy. Still, he will be able to somewhat maintain the camper until it's inevitable final collapse.
Here's both a bright and solemn note. They did the research to find where you can indefinitely park this camper and decided that of all the places they could be homeless in a camper, California was best. Of course this is not good news to those who legally live in high rent apartments or have homes in the area. I have read about the SF poop patrol (shudder).
I still feel a semi glimmer of hope because they will have to be on their own. We are very far away now. I also hope that they start to like not having Jaden around. He does sadly cry for his inept parents but he is getting love and support for the first time in his life. I love this brave little man to the stars. He doesn't need to live in a camper.
So.....the point of this?
Well, these adults do not want to follow society's rules or work hard. But Kay at least is finding out how to live in a lifestyle she won't give up. I suspect Lee and Kay will become very savvy at getting government benefits, something Kay once scoffed at. And this is good because unless Lee and Kay decide to get off the pot farm in their heads and work at a sustainable job, they will need to keep their benefits. The silly pride will dissapate and common sense will have to kick in. They NEED benefits. Maybe Kay would qualify for SSI. Who knows?
I think about what I know and have learned about epigenetics. Is that Kay's problem? We don't know her ancestors trauma. But then my husband and kids are pat black and have slavery going on and none of them are so steeped in trauma. Why? One more thing I can't know. Those annoying X factors.
I lean heavily on God to please guide Kay to a better path. Only He knows what she needs to learn here. Only He can help her. I hope she hears.
I know I can't help her. Husband can't. Nobody will, on either side of the family. We had Lee's folks over to see Jaden last Sunday and we had a long talk.
Have a blessed day, all.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Well. I did this too. He's in it now. He barely ever leaves. On his phone with his edible marijuana. (He uses the edible, apparently, so I won't catch on. Ha. )He does nothing to maintain it. Not weeding, not taking out the garbage. Nothing. I am trying to rent the front house. I have to tell him, please don't come out to smoke unless you're clean and shaven.
I go back in forth in my heart/mind. How can I accept he die on the street from his Hep B? And the other side of me asks, how do I his mother sustain his living as he does? He did pay rent this month.
So. I get what Jay Pee says, brilliantly. Both sides of my internal conversation are on me. What I should do to fix his problems. That's the fallacy. On the one side, that I house him; on the other, that I bear responsibility to alter the way that he chooses to live. As long as I keep this hot potato conversation going inside myself I will be tormented. It really doesn't have to do with any action that I take. The question is not only what will torment me less. The answer is: why torment myself at all? The key for me is getting conversations about his life outside of my own head/heart. The answer is not in words or even deeds. The answer is about space. What is that saying about renting space in my head?
It's like the Sabbath. Which is about time and space. Beginning Friday night to Saturday we give that space in time to G-d. Like clockwork. This does not require a decision. There's no right or wrong.
There is this freedom that comes when I think about my son this way. If I just don't let him rent space in my head. I can breathe deeply. I can rest into myself. I can be in myself.
If I think of it this way this is doable. It's like a practice. The second I begin to agonize about what I should do or what can I do or how can I do it, I'm off the reservation. And I can bring myself back.
Thank you very much, ladies, for this thread.
Last edited: