Extended family... I can't do it anymore!

[jmama45]

Well I host xmas night, have for 10 years, husband's family (ALL normal responsible people) and mine (none have kids), difficult child's girlfriend and son and my granddaught where coming too. My family... mom- the enabler, bro 1 druggie living at home at 36, bro 2 not stable, new girlfriend-just moved from moms house to hers, filing backrupt and is 43, sis 1 recovered addict- lives with mom, helpful to mom, in college but has ADD and god knows what else-is 44, other 2 sis live away and do not come, 1 didnt call either.

Ok so I tell my mom, tell sibs that come for xmas where difficult child is, but I didnt give her details on the arrest because poor mom is losing her memory and doesnt know who she tells what and I didnt want gossip in front of girlfriend and son (6 and thinks difficult child is visiting his aunt in another state). Ok so I am sitting with girlfriend... who just told me to make sure noone mentions difficult child being in jail becuz her son thinks he is at the aunts. I said everone was told not to mention him, no worry... bro 2 says "where's difficult child?" WHAT!! I give him daggers and he is like what? ARGG I will talk to you later! He is like, uh ok, geesh. Now he has a girlfriend with him, i never met and works the same place as me, but not the same floor. I am not up for someone in my CO knowing my family business! I take bro aside and explain, half in tears, and he says ma never told me, sorry. I am just not pleased. I already had gotten call from difficult child, but the call didnt go through and he didnt call back :frown: I wasn't happy. I wanted to talk to him not when I had company, ya know. Oh and girlfriend told me difficult child had FREE calls all day and he called her like 6 times already :frown: I was feeling sad.

Then fast forward to same bro, now only husband, daughter, mom, bro and new girlfriend there, bro says so ya what place is difficult child at? and then why did he ger arrested? I blow off the ? and husband - who never says a thing, never opens his mouth about stuff like that, blurts out "cuz his roughed up his chick!" I am shocked and go duh, no he didn't, what are you talking about? (husband knows they are all unstable and I dont share stuff like that, I dont see them, talk to them all year, why have them know that stuff? I explained to husband before how I didnt tell mom that part so she wouldnt tell them) I stopped that and moved the converstaion on, but bro just doesn't know when to shut up, he is digging for all this dirt and in front of this co worker I dont know I wanted to die! He is asking "does difficult child's girlfriend do drugs? you know, they are a product of their environment..." um no she doesnt, and ds didnt learn that here or there... what a dumb thing to say! Then he says how he went to difficult child's place and described a mess and dirty place and how he just opened the door... etc. It was just an aweful conversation that had no place at that time. :grrr:

By the time they all left, I felt beat up and that noone understood what I was feeling... I am facing my difficult child having an addiction and he may never get better, what is ahead? just everything being so new and unknown and that fact that he may end up in jail or dead! Doesn't anyone get that?????

Oh and sis that lives with mom was a no show, mom "couldn't get her out of bed" at 43 yrs old!! That is wrong! ANd bro 1 no show, his NEW girlfriend has a biopolar episode!!! An addict and a biopolar- oh god!!!

So my family, ya I do not think I will host it next year. I cringe when ever they are around. I will have to do them seperatly than my husband's family. I am closer to husband's family than mine. They are so supportive and awesome people.

What a train wreck! If this stuff with difficult child didnt happen last week, I would of cancelled for sure, I still should of I guess.

:hammer: :hammer: :hammer:

 

[Suz]

jmama, thanks for adding your signature.

You don't mention any diagnosis's for your son. Has he been evaluated at any point? Tried medication? What/when/why?

From your description it's my guess that there is a strong possibility of several disorders in your family tree - I hope that doesn't offend - it's pretty common for these things to be genetically linked and addiction is a pretty major sign of self-medicating.

For what it's worth, I found that it was better to just tell the truth. You don't need to go into detail and if anyone presses, just tell them you don't want to discuss it further. The stress and strain of keeping it hidden (or who have you told what to) when Rob was at his Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was way more than answering a few questions.

I sure don't blame you for not wanting to host the dinner again next year! YIKES!

Suz

 

[jmama45]

jmama, thanks for adding your signature.

You don't mention any diagnosis's for your son. Has he been evaluated at any point? Tried medication? What/when/why?

From your description it's my guess that there is a strong possibility of several disorders in your family tree - I hope that doesn't offend - it's pretty common for these things to be genetically linked and addiction is a pretty major sign of self-medicating.

For what it's worth, I found that it was better to just tell the truth. You don't need to go into detail and if anyone presses, just tell them you don't want to discuss it further. The stress and strain of keeping it hidden (or who have you told what to) when Rob was at his Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was way more than answering a few questions.

I sure don't blame you for not wanting to host the dinner again next year! YIKES!

Suz

I added to my sig. No he has no mental disorders. He had a great childhood, never any trouble until started partying. This is all drug related.

As far as my family. We all grew up in the same house. Lots of bad drama in my childhood. But although they may have mental disorders, none diagnosis's except sis. They all made bad choices. I could of went down the same road but chose to have a good honest life. I dont believe they couldn't of done the same. Mom is an enabler yet I didnt get sucked into that either. They just need to grow the heck up and take responsibility for their own lives, which will never happen. difficult child is the same. He is capable of living a good life, its all choices.

I am over it. I see them once a year. I dont need that drama in my life, so I will choice to step back futher from them. I choose to surround myself with people who are good and honest. That is why I am where I am in my life. It is a choice for me as well as for them. Peace out as far as their goes LOL!

 

[saving grace]

I am sorry you had such a tough time. It sounds to me like you are "owning" your sons addiction. This is his problem and his embarrasment. Just tell the truth and follow up with I would rather not talk about it. You shouldnt have to carry this burden with you, worrying about who knows or who is saying what. If girlfriend lied to her son then its her responsibilty to keep the lie not yours.

Let it go, stop focusing on him and focus on yourself. I know how disappointed you are that you missed his call then to find out that he has been calling girlfriend but if you ask me calling her 6 times in one day is not good, he is not taking his recovery seriously if he is constantly calling home. If I were you I would not be so available to him. DO NOT wait by the phone for his calls. Tell him to call you once a week or write a letter. I know for a fact that they discourage phone calls.

Good Luck
Grace

 

[jmama45]

Thanks! Did I mention he did call me later...

I posted a reply to this part of the post on my other thread, since it has to do with difficult child and not the topic of the family stuff.

Yes I need to stop owning it. I am trying!!

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Just popping in to offer support. The other gals are right. Honesty is the best way. You guys (starting with girlfriend) could tell girlfriend's son that your difficult child is sick and is at the hospital getting well. Not a lie. I would imagine that your disdain for your addicted sibling(s) might be what is keeping you from sharing the truth about your own difficult child. Well, addiction is a disease (like diabetes) and you don't have to be ashamed of it.

Glad your horrid day with the family is over. Something to think about, just because only one sister has a diagnosis, does not mean that she is the only one with a disorder.

Keep going to your meetings and sharing here. Draw strength and support from others. You'll get through this.

 

[BusynMember]

If they don't respect you, and dare to call you out about "son being a product of his environment" (what ) I wouldn't see them at all. Christmas is a time to be with those you love and who love you and treat you in a loving way. If it were me, next year I wouldn't ruin my Christmas by spending any time with them. And I certainly wouldn't worry about anything they say. Although they are not diagnosed, they could have mental health issues. I have a 23 year old daughter who was a drug abuser and she really acted up when she was on drugs too and she has no diagnosis. However, I do believe she has a mild/moderate mood disorder which may have triggered her drug use. She is clean now, but still tends to get very stressed, even fall apart, under pressure at work. And, no, it's not just like all of us. It's a step beyond. I need to talk her down. Kids choose to take drugs for a reason. If they are not just experimenting and keep it up beyond high school, it's probably (not always) due to underlying mental health issues. My daughter is living a full, functional life now, but she has asked me if I think she should go for any sort of help...it's a start. (((Hugs)))

 

[Star*]

If they don't respect you, and dare to call you out about "son being a product of his environment" (what ) I wouldn't see them at all. Christmas is a time to be with those you love and who love you and treat you in a loving way. If it were me, next year I wouldn't ruin my Christmas by spending any time with them. And I certainly wouldn't worry about anything they say.

AMEN TO THAT!

 

[witzend]

Well, honey, you can join us in Egypt or China or wherever it is we're going next year that doesn't have anyone celebrating Christmas, 'cuz I stomped the Wise Man with the Myrh and the Manger to death and gave every Christmas decoration we own to the Goodwill on 12/23/07. We're not doing it anymore, either! Is it summer yet?

:rolleyes:

Big hugs. I hate that everyone can't just think outside their own little narrow minded world for one day out of the year and not hurt each other. Sheesh! Your family sounds like mine!

Our family therapist told me that the problem with the holidays is that we all expect people to behave because it's a special day, and let's face it, they're the same old jerks that they are the other 364 days out of the year and we shouldn't expect miracles!

:warrior:

 

[jmama45]

Just popping in to offer support. The other gals are right. Honesty is the best way. You guys (starting with girlfriend) could tell girlfriend's son that your difficult child is sick and is at the hospital getting well. Not a lie. I would imagine that your disdain for your addicted sibling(s) might be what is keeping you from sharing the truth about your own difficult child. Well, addiction is a disease (like diabetes) and you don't have to be ashamed of it.

Glad your horrid day with the family is over. Something to think about, just because only one sister has a diagnosis, does not mean that she is the only one with a disorder.

Keep going to your meetings and sharing here. Draw strength and support from others. You'll get through this.

Well the family there is not near just addiction. My mom enables them beyond crazy. IE. She has a great pension, WORKS FULL TIME and makes great money AND has SSI, yet had no money to xmas shop because they her dry. Both Bro's, one not working and one is filing bankrupt yet can go on weekend trips. One got arrested last week and mom paid 1000 to get him out! I cant tell you the loans she has taken for them.

My point is mom and I do nto agree on what we will and will not do for out kids. I have limits, she doesn't. She lets drug addicts live with her and takes care of them, I don't.

Also, since I see them once a year, no calls all year, no relationship to speak of, no like they are gonna call and check on me or difficult child... I feel telling them anything more than that difficult child is in a treatment center, is just going to be something for them to gossip about while they are at the bar. It makes me ill to know that they will do that, but they will. They have no sense of what to say when or to whom. I have no use for them

I dont know what they all have and frankly dont care. They are beyond diagnosis's in my opinion, at this point they all could be said to have something, who knows.

Ya I am over them, over their and their uncaring spirits.

 

[jmama45]

If they don't respect you, and dare to call you out about "son being a product of his environment" (what ) I wouldn't see them at all. Christmas is a time to be with those you love and who love you and treat you in a loving way. If it were me, next year I wouldn't ruin my Christmas by spending any time with them. And I certainly wouldn't worry about anything they say. Although they are not diagnosed, they could have mental health issues. I have a 23 year old daughter who was a drug abuser and she really acted up when she was on drugs too and she has no diagnosis. However, I do believe she has a mild/moderate mood disorder which may have triggered her drug use. She is clean now, but still tends to get very stressed, even fall apart, under pressure at work. And, no, it's not just like all of us. It's a step beyond. I need to talk her down. Kids choose to take drugs for a reason. If they are not just experimenting and keep it up beyond high school, it's probably (not always) due to underlying mental health issues. My daughter is living a full, functional life now, but she has asked me if I think she should go for any sort of help...it's a start. (((Hugs)))

Oh trust me, I AM not having them over next year. So much happened in 2007, 3 major things happened to me, things that would warrant your sibs to call and check on you. I got nada.

I have this hang up that makes me crazy...

Mom taught "always be there for your sibs in a crisis, no matter what"

I say, hey if you don't care about me enough to have a relationship with me more than on one holiday a year. No birthday calls, no checking in calls all year... then I am not gonna "be there for you no matter what" when your hits the fan. I dont know your life, you dont know mine, so what do we have to offer eachother? Personally, I am into the people in my daily life, not the ones who are blood related and MIA! ARGGGG lol

 

[BusynMember]

Hon, your Mom is an enabler. Over my dead and buried body would a drug addict of forty-five come home to live with me and even get the bennies of a "loan" (that he probably never pays back). Nor would I help drug addicted siblings because it's not good for them to get your sympathy when they involve themselves in self-destructive behavior. I happen to think that you care about those who can be in a give-and-take love relationship, and blood doesn't mean a thing when it comes to the important issues. I think you're right and your mom is wrong. JMO and big hugs. Been where you're at.

 

[jmama45]

Hon, your Mom is an enabler. Over my dead and buried body would a drug addict of forty-five come home to live with me and even get the bennies of a "loan" (that he probably never pays back). Nor would I help drug addicted siblings because it's not good for them to get your sympathy when they involve themselves in self-destructive behavior. I happen to think that you care about those who can be in a give-and-take love relationship, and blood doesn't mean a thing when it comes to the important issues. I think you're right and your mom is wrong. JMO and big hugs. Been where you're at.

Thanks! Yep I agree, mom is an enabler and it only hurts them all. No bro will not pay her back a dime. He knows she had to take a cough cough 25,000 loan to get him out trouble for a gambling debt!! SICK!! He works stupid jobs and only sometimes... yet he can go see a pro ball game for a weekend trip- one including airfare and hotel!! SICK! Ya I am so over them all. And mom can do as she pleases, but she cant tell me how to handle my kids... and thank god she doesnt!

 

[susiestar]

I am very sorry your family causes you such pain. It may just be sensible, safe and good boundary setting to not interact with them.

I am so sorry.

Hugs,

Susie