Favoritism

[BusynMember1]

Well, husband and I are still at the cabin and relaxing. I cant remember the last time we were so close or so relaxed. The only people who can reach us by our cabin phone are son and daughter. They have largely left us alone to rest. My daughter called last night to make sure we are okay. She is not Kay but my other one. We had a short loving conversation.

When we were finished my.husband and I walked along tje beach(holding hands!) and had a heartfelt conversation about the kids. My husband is very soft spoken and honest and sadly told me that although it had never been rhis way untill Kay was at least in her mid twenties, he did not love her anymore in the same way or as much as he loved our other two. We didnt discuss it for long but I thought it over and said "I feel the same way. Her personality is off-putting and selfish and she never asks how anyone else is feeling.." its true too.

• I am not on vacation to feel guilty but I do. Does anyone else share diffferences in how you love your kids? We love Kay but she is not pleasant and is not a good mother to Jaden. We adore Jaden to the moon when we are allowed to see him. That is not often.

Any thoughts? Feelings? Is it just us?

 

[Copabanana]

If somebody mistreats you and abuses you and takes you for granted, and does not allow you to speak, and takes everything you offer them and then abuses you more if you withhold even one thing, to protect yourselves, do you think it is human to react with fear and restraint? I don't think this is a loss of love. I think it is the only way to respond that makes sense.

If Kay were to change, even 50 percent, I believe your love for her would come back. I think it is hiding, not gone. Dormant, I guess, is the word.

But how do you keep living from love in relation to somebody who over the years only hurts you and targets you? Think about it. That would be like in evolution an organism, say a rabbit, that only sought out its predators. Oh. I just want to hang out with hawks and rattlers. How long would that species survive? Or somebody that just went around looking for hot irons to touch. How long would that person last?

What you and your husband are doing is called the instinct to survive. It is the most basic and strongest instinct we have. It has not one thing to do with favoritism. We turn away (finally) from those who hurt us.

 

[BusynMember1]

Thank you very much.

You are right.

 

[LauraH]

I can't speak from your perspective, as I only have the one son. But there have been many many times, even as a child, when I felt little or no love for him. And many many many more times when I loved him but could not stand to be in the same room with him. Don't feel guilty. Your daughter's choices and behavior brought you to this point, not a lack of feeling on the part of you or your husband. Maybe things will improve, maybe not. It is what it is and you have to accept where you are as your current reality. Even now that my son is doing so great and we are getting along better, there is still some resentment between us lingering from the past and probably always will be. But it sounds like you and your husband are making peace with it. I'm glad you are having this alone time to work on and strengthen your relationship.

As far as favoritism, my mother loved all three of her children and never withheld that love, but she did things for one that she would never have done for the other two. That applied to all three of us. But I do have to say that my sister, the middle child, was obviously her favorite. From a teenager, my sister and my mother were more like BFFs than mother and daughter. I was always jealous of that, because in my mother's eyes I never quite measured up to my sister, no matter how hard I tried. But I learned to live with it. To repeat a phrase, it was what it was. I think favoritism among multiple children is inevitable for one reason or another. Parents can try to compensate but I don't believe any child will ever be raised or treated exactly like their siblings. I think it's just the nature of the beast. Again, nothing to feel guilty about in my opinion.

 

[ckay87]

I feel like a portion of our love for them comes from simply being their parent. This is the love that is unconditional. Then there is a portion of our love that is based on who they are as a person. Would you even LIKE her if she weren't your daughter? I'll tell you here and now that my son would not be a friend of mine if he were my peer. I would downright dislike him. This is a result of his behavior and how he treats me. This is his choice. We can treat people however we want but we should fully expect to viewed accordingly. Maybe a little harsh, but those are my thoughts