Fearing the worst

[Origami]

I just have such a hard time with the guilt I feel when I'm not comforting him, feeding him, giving him a warm bed. He has a place to stay and a job, but keeps saying he feels overwhelmed and wants our help to get caught up.

This is so much how I've been feeling about my son. I'll probably get skewered for this (be gentle, fellow Warrior Parents!) but I let him stay at our house over the weekend during the blizzard we just endured. He had been over to see his kids and the weatherman was saying nobody should be traveling, so daughter-in-law (his wife) asked if it would be OK for him to stay. He was home all day yesterday with everybody (it was a snow day for schools and for my workplace), and mainly slept all day. I think he was "dope sick" as my daughter-in-law calls it.

Anyway, it's out the door again tonight since this wasn't intended as a full-time thing. My son isn't trying very hard to change anything despite his promises. He was supposed to save half his paycheck he just received Friday to rent an apartment, but his wife said he spent most of it. And he's on probation for a heroin possession charge!

Hope you can stay strong, lovemyson. I'm trying, also, but it's not easy to watch your grown child self-destruct.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

One thing they said at our family counseling at the rehab - we were ALL there because we FINALLY cut them off and they went and got treatment. You HAVE to cut him off so he can save himself. He CANNOT do it alone. My difficult child said she finally realized that one night when she was upstairs pacing back and forth between the windows while her son slept on the bed. She finally asked God for help and he plucked her butt in jail and kept her there until she went where she needed to go.

 

[lovemyson1]

I never thought of telling him to use an alternate drug instead. I will look into that, discuss with my husband and perhaps suggest it to my son. Thank you for the valuable info I really appreciate it! Tonight he told us he is gonna get his "sh_t" together,
He doesn't want to disappoint us and he loves us. Man I hate drugs!!!

 

[2much2recover]

I never thought of telling him to use an alternate drug instead.

Yes, reading the article from the Huffington Post is definitely enlightening. Why make a person suffer in 2015 using practices for another addiction (alcohol) that are out of the 1930's? I have some acquaintances that almost lost heir son to a heroin OD so after seeing everything they went through - well I can not see another family ever having to go through this and I agree with the article that we need to wake up to a new rehab reality that if we don't change away from abstinence based programs to more modern medical alternative we are just damning heroin addicts to a possible life ending OD. Also I can not imagine what the medical financial costs were of bringing my friends son back - well actually taxpayers ended up paying for it because the son was uninsured. So society is paying for the failure of abstinence based programs anyway (regarding heroin).

 

[lovemyson1]

What I don't understand is that he was completely drug free for several months before he just decided to use again. When you suggest for him to try using another form of drug that is less harmful I don't know if that will help. What I'm saying is, if he was drug free, he wasn't having withdrawals, he was living a healthy life and just like that, he used. We asked him why and he just said he wasn't really thinkig about it. How dumb is that? After all he went through to get clean?!! It makes me mad!! What would make someone who was clean for so many months want to use again? I fear that if he was using say, "methadone" and then also decides to use heroin, wouldn't that be fatal?

 

[PatriotsGirl]

My Difficult Child relapsed after several months of being clean, too. It boggled my mind why she would use again after being clean and having a good life??? But I realize she never worked out her issues that are truly causing her addiction and she never learned the tools that she needs to STAY clean.

 

[lovemyson1]

PatriotsGirl, that is exactly what I think. He has always been in denial and states that he is not an addict and can quit any time. Even looking down on the others at rehab and feeling "better" than them. He needs to accept that he IS an adddict and needs to deal with the issues that cause him to want to use. I will talk to him about that. I sure hope he wakes the heck up!!

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Oh that was another thing that boggled me after I found out about the relapse!! After she relapsed, she would continually bring up how "bad" others were doing with their addiction. Looking back she must have been trying to make herself feel better about her own situation...

 

[2much2recover]

When you suggest for him to try using another form of drug that is less harmful I don't know if that will help. What I'm saying is, if he was drug free, he wasn't having withdrawals, he was living a healthy life and just like that, he used. We asked him why and he just said he wasn't really thinkig about it. How dumb is that? After all he went through to get clean?!! It makes me mad!! What would make someone who was clean for so many months want to use again? I

From what I have read using the medications vs heroin gives the brain time to calm down and adjust to the damage done from heroin use. The point is to stay off "street drugs" wean down through medication and give the brain time to heal. Also by using the medications the addict has a chance to get away from the "people, places and things" that can cause relapse as they SLOWLY wean off the pharmaceuticals. I think it is important for the parent of a heroin addict to understand that there are, because of the nature of the drug, underlying physiological problems.

 

[Estranged2015]

Thank you Lil. Every thought, encouraging word, wise advice, prayer, and hug is greatly appreciated! I love you all and pray for all of us.

Sending hugs and strength.

 

[lovemyson1]

I would like your opinion dear friends. Since our son is on probation and we know he's using again, do you think we should turn him in to his P.O. He would lose his job and go back to jail :-( or should we just let things take their course.. We are trying to decide what is best to do. Of course this would have to be after we test him since he claims he's gonna quit. If he is clean we would let it be. I just don't wanna see him die. I love him so much.

 

[stressedmama]

Call the PO. Let the PO test him. If he's not using, great. If he is using, he'll have to suffer the consequences, whatever they may be. Better to be safe than sorry. Have no guilt; have no regrets.

 

[BusynMember]

What I don't understand is that he was completely drug free for several months before he just decided to use again. When you suggest for him to try using another form of drug that is less harmful I don't know if that will help. What I'm saying is, if he was drug free, he wasn't having withdrawals, he was living a healthy life and just like that, he used. We asked him why and he just said he wasn't really thinkig about it. How dumb is that? After all he went through to get clean?!! It makes me mad!! What would make someone who was clean for so many months want to use again? I fear that if he was using say, "methadone" and then also decides to use heroin, wouldn't that be fatal?

Methodone is NOT a safe alternative. Yikes!
You do not know if he was clean or not or if he was using something else that made him seem like he was clean.
I know methadone (not the Meth you are thinking of) has been used forever. At least I don't THINK it's meth, like the meth my daughter used.
He keeps going back to heroin because his body craves it. It isn't to be mean or defiant or irresponsible. It is so highly addictive that it gets into your blood, and it is more powerful than his family or his job or anything else. Heroin changes the brain. Rather than another rehab, have you checked out particular doctors who may specialize in drug addiction? Medical doctors, like therapists or counseling. I don't even know if such doctors exist, but I always think outside the box for solutions. It can't hurt to ask. SOMEBODY is monitoring these people when they detox, and many times medication is prescribed to make it bearable.

 

[Origami]

I think there are mixed reviews on methadone as a treatment option. I suggested it to my son, and he said everyone he knows who is on methadone is hooked on it and making no effort to get off. He said it's trading one addiction for another. Of course, this is the opinion of a heroin addict who hasn't figured out anything himself, so maybe he's not the best judge. He's got his court-ordered drug evaluation today where they'll tell him what kind of treatment he'll be getting.

Since our son is on probation and we know he's using again, do you think we should turn him in to his P.O. He would lose his job and go back to jail :-( or should we just let things take their course.. We are trying to decide what is best to do.

Lovemyson, I'd tend to leave things alone and let the consequences catch up with him. I'm just not comfortable myself with that kind of thing, but you may have more urgent reasons for wanting to speed up the jail/losing job/etc. process. If he's still using, these things will happen eventually, but it will be of his own volition and not because you called someone. In other words, he can only blame himself, not you. But ultimately you need to decide what's best for your situation since there is no clear-cut right or wrong approach, and your instincts will often be your best guide.

 

[BusynMember]

You do get hooked on it, Oragami. It is sort of a much lesser of two evils. Heroin is almost impossible to kick. Methodone is safer. Lots of us need to be on medication for life. What I feel methodone does that is good is allows the person to function, work, NOT SHOOT UP, not risk needles/HIV/etc. It is given to the person in a clean way. The few I've seen on methadone were able to live a normal life, although that does not mean they never slipped up.But at least it was not constant heroin in the body and brain.

Heroin is a killer. 50% of all heroin users die young. Methadone is a better addiction than heroin. Well, I should add this is only my opinion.

Big hugs. You have so much on your plate. Be sure to be good to yourself.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Its a tough call on whether to call PO or not.
I'm more inclined to take natural consequences. It doesn't damage the long-term relationship. But, that's assuming there IS a long-term relationship.

 

[lovemyson1]

Thank you all. I guess our reason for wanting to call the PO is because we don't want to see him o.d. And think we could have forced him to be in jail or rehab which possibly could give him time to change. But I agree with most of you. Natural consequences are best. His dad threatened him last night about it and our son said, "with all due respect, "F" you!" Man, hubby was pissed! I will calm everyone down since that's usually my roll.. And now I don't like the idea of the methodone either. I need to let it go, let it be and trust Gods plan. Not an easy thing to do. Thank you all so much!

 

[2much2recover]

I think there are mixed reviews on methadone as a treatment option. I suggested it to my son, and he said everyone he knows who is on methadone is hooked on it and making no effort to get off. He said it's trading one addiction for another. Of course, this is the opinion of a heroin addict who hasn't figured out anything himself, so maybe he's not the best judge. He's got his court-ordered drug evaluation today where they'll tell him what kind of treatment he'll be getting.

There was a situation in the Huffington post article about some parents who, once again, facing a child (adult) ODing, considered (for a moment) if it wouldn't have been better to not call for emergency services and just let the hell of addiction run it's course with their son and let him die. What a horrible situation for the parents to be in. Personally with heroin addiction, I feel that it does come down whether you are willing to take a roll of the dice with your child's life. (again adult) It seems like with heroin addiction it is a long death spiral. I kind of see it now, as withholding insulin from a diabetic child; expecting the child to withstand eating sugar to put off going into diabetic shock.
There are a lot of actions and issues that cohabit with heroin addiction that I would definitely disagree with, but fundamentally, once someone has crossed that line, physically, all things considered, if medical science can help them and the addict is willing, I believe in at least opening ones mind to the possibility of a medical intervention. What happens after that is offered, accepted or denied then becomes up to each parent how they wish to precede in the relationship or non-relationship after that.

 

[lovemyson1]

His SLE counselor called me today and asked me if I knew anything because they all think he's using again. I didn't say he was but said he did look bad. Hubby and I argued about whether we should tell the SLE or let it happen on its own. I told SLE to test him again but make him strip down. They think he's cheating the test. So do I. Hubby wants him to be forced to get treatment and wants to tell SLE he's using so they will force him! I worry that what if he's truly quitting and then we tell on him! Ugh!!!! Help me dear people!

 

[dstc_99]

If he was truly quiting he would be getting help. He isn't.

While I agree with the not calling up the law and telling them what is going on I would not lie for him if they contacted me. Honestly I would tell them the straight up truth. "I think he is and this is the evidence we found." Then let them handle it.

When he gets you to lie to the law/SLE/whomever to cover for him you are not helping. JMHO